Apr 092013
 
I want to take it all — everything you have to give.
I want to suck the breath from your lungs and leave you empty and wasted.
I want to pry you open, shove myself inside you
and get off on the resistance you provide.
I want to break you, to fuck you into pieces and put you back together
just so I can break you again.

linebreaksm

He was bound flat on his back with his feet in the air. Thighs cuffed, ankles tied, he was spread wide, splayed open, stripped and exposed.

I hurt him a little, then sat between his knees, his legs suspended on either side of me. I stroked his cock and teased his hole until he whimpered, until he begged to be fucked.

I teased him until he was desperate, until it looked like he couldn’t stand it anymore.

And then I fucked him.

Nothing about it was new, or extreme, or even remotely forceful. It was more slow and sweet and gentle. There was kissing and friction and as much skin-on-skin contact as I could manage. It was a sweet, loving fuck.

When I had my fill of him and was satisfied he had his fill of me, I was ready for something different. Sadism often follows sweetness — it’s a lovely exercise of contrasts I enjoy. I stepped away to remove my harness, wash up, and consider my options for the boy still tied to my bed.

As I surveyed my equipment, I caught a glimpse of him behind me in the mirror. Something about him was simultaneously troubling and exciting. I attributed it to aesthetics — my own well-lit reflection against his. Mine, calm and clear. His, in the background, dark and blurry.

As I watched him, I couldn’t shake the feeling it was more than that. Something was wrong, or right, or different.

And then a thought flashed through my mind: he’s about to break.

I abandoned the toys and returned to him, unsure of my intuition. Something was different, but I wasn’t sure what, nor was I sure of what to do. He looked wild and simultaneously serene, both desperate and satisfied, about to either laugh or cry. It was troubling that I couldn’t read him in the moment.

I untied him and quickly removed the cuffs. I held him, pulling him back from whatever edge he was approaching and whatever lay beyond. I wasn’t even sure the edge existed or if I had imagined something that wasn’t there.

I held him and talked to him, gently prying to get a sense of what was happening, if there was anything happening at all. His responses were half apologies for his state and incoherent ovations of love and want and sweetness — beautiful, but less-than-helpful.

I whispered my own love and reassurance — there was nothing to apologize for.

After some time, he became familiar to me again and whatever dissonance I perceived faded away. He seemed fine, and so we eased back in to the evening’s activities.

The next morning, without my prompting, he offered an admission about which he assumed I was unaware. His words were tentative and sheepish, offered with the warning he wasn’t sure he could articulate his thoughts.

He explained that what had frightened me had frightened him, too. In that moment, he neared the edge. He was breaking. But instead of giving in or giving over, he pulled back. When he found himself unable to explain, he offered me apologies instead.

In the conversation that followed, he said he had wanted more, or needed more, he isn’t sure.

I’m not sure either.

I’m not sure of any of it.

Breaking — the idea of it — is heady and romantic, but I realize now I have little understanding of what it really means. I don’t know what it is and I can’t explain why I want it. I don’t know why he wants it. I don’t know what it feels like, I don’t know what it looks like, and I’m not sure I’ll recognize it if it happens.

If it does, I’m not sure I’ll know what to do.

 

  17 Responses to “breaking: a beautiful abstraction”

  1. Wow what a fantastic look into the lightly taken concept of breaking a submissive, Personally I believe that when it does happen it is holy and precious something to be cherished but also a challenge because they will need to be put together again :)

    • Thank you, Juanita. :) I don’t take much lightly!

      And yes, the challenge makes me nervous. I’m not sure I know how to put someone back together.

  2. I find this very beautiful and intense and scary and powerful. I have read about this point that a submissive finally breaks and that it can be very powerful for both the Dominant and submissive. I have ready however in a lot of cases it doesn’t happen and some argue its not possible or that some people scoff at the idea. I find it intriguing. And I wonder if it is possible and what it would be like. I do think it was super *love* that you noticed quickly something was happening and you took control.

    Respectfully,
    brattyboi

    • Bratty: I love SUPERLOVE!

      As for the rest, I’m completely uncertain — if it’s “real” or not, what it means, and what to do if it happens. With the exception of my overthinking, I assume I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. I guess? *sigh*

      • As I said on twitter DumbDomme I think maybe you are worried because you care and that you are not experienced with it but I think by the looks and sounds of it I am confident you will know exactly what to do. I think it will come to you. Like I said I said super love because despite not realizing what it was that was happening to him you jumped to react, you took control anyways, and you stayed with him and cared for him, loved him, caressed him until he came back. That is what is super love! It’s okay to be human and make mistakes, but you jumped up and took control despite the lack of knowledge in the moment.

        Like I said my experience was very different it was a Mentor/student relationship that was purely sexual no connection. Maybe it was because of that I do not know. But I was very new she tried something and I reacted and she walked out leaving me there. I felt like I did something very wrong, very bad and very shameful! It was horrible for me to be honest and all I could do was lay there and cry and blame myself for it.

        You were perfect in your actions and I applaud you with yes I Super Loved! it!

  3. I think you will handle it just fine if/when he breaks. Trust yourself. You will know what to do.

    • I appreciate your faith in me (or faith in people, generally) to know how to handle things, but unfortunately, I don’t share it. :) I believe I won’t utterly fuck things up, but knowing what to do is just beyond the limits of my faith. :)

  4. Excellent Domme! And the fact that you recognized his slipping so quickly says so much about your dynamic and awareness of each other. And this writting shows that when it does happen, you’ll be there to not only take him over the edge, but build him back up afterwards. *hugs and kisses*

  5. What a wonderful thing that there is so much trust between the two of you that he would allow himself to come close to breaking and that you are willing to be there for him when he does.

    • Thank you, night owl. Trust is HUGE. Epically huge. I just wish I trusted myself as much as he trusts me. :)

  6. I enjoyed reading your post. Especially the poem. Thank you!

  7. Lovely and scary all at the same time!

    I’m not even sure it’s the same thing or not, but if it helps any (and of course it’s based on extremely limited expirence)… here’s what I discovered

    I always call it “falling off the edge” instead of breaking.. because breaking implies he “needs” to be put back together. To me, it seems more like a loss of self… they can’t articulate it, because it like a nothingness. They litterally lose the thought of who they are in terms of needs or wants and instead become more of an extension of you. The first couple of times it happened, my boy was more aware from his past expirences and just relaxed into it… so of course I didn’t even realize what was going on. Because of this, I inadvertently discovered that if I did nothing differently, he will simple come back to himself as he was before the fall. But over time, I discovered I could use it to create a fundemental shift to the entire nature of the relationship. I find it’s the perfect time to add rules, re-examine limits, push boundaries, etc. Though I don’t buy into the whole “blank slate” and mold them from the ground up… I think it’s too drastic, but I like the shifts. It gives us both time to adjust without feeling like I’m losing who he truly is.

    Though again.. it may not even be the same thing!

    • PS… I LOVE the poem.. especially this line

      “I want to break you, to fuck you into pieces and put you back together
      just so I can break you again.”

      • Thank you, Maggie. I didn’t intend for it to be a poem, but I guess it is! :)

        Wheee! I’m a poet! (ok, not really…)

    • it seems more like a loss of self… they can’t articulate it, because it like a nothingness. They litterally lose the thought of who they are in terms of needs or wants and instead become more of an extension of you

      In the conversations we had about it, J has described approaching something very similar to what you articulated above. It’s still difficult for me to understand, in part because it’s something I’ve never experienced and never even witnessed.

      Also, I like your approach to using particular moments gently and responsibly. I’m not sure I believe that anyone can become a blank slate, but I do believe there’s a lot of potential for very negative forms of manipulation. Using a submissive state to make small shifts and facilitate positive changes is absolutely the approach I want to take. As you said, I certainly don’t want to change who he is – – I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t like the fundamental things that make J who he is. (Besides that, I don’t think I could change those things even if I wanted to.)

      Thanks for your thoughts, Maggie. :)

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