Mar 282013
 

Ask-a-Domme: How to Introduce Your Wife to Femdom

(or, “how to boil a frog”)

Dear D,

I am slowly introducing my wife of 3 years (dated for 10 prior) to the idea of her taking on a dominant role. So far I have introduced her to large dildo play instead of me (im about 6″ and thin) fisting her, then I jack off in front of her, and face sitting as well as my foot fetish.

Am i on the right path? whats the next best step to femdom?

gradually increase the water temperature until you boil the frogYou clever boy!  That’s pretty slick.  ;)

Your approach reminds me of the anecdote about how to boil a frog…

Folk wisdom says that if you drop a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will instantly jump out. But if you put a frog in cool water and gradually increase the temperature (ever-so-slowly), it won’t notice. Eventually, the frog will cook to death without ever realizing it was in danger. [1]

It sounds like you’re boiling a frog. :)  Instead of dropping all your kinks on your wife at once (essentially dropping her into a dominant role), you’re doing it gradually. You have her do a little orgasm supervision first, a bit of facesitting next, and then you bring in some foot worship… If you introduce your fetishes slowly enough, she won’t notice what’s going on, and eventually she’ll become your dominant without ever having realized what happened.

You sly dog!

It might be a brilliant plan, except for one thing.

Femdom isn’t warm water and your wife isn’t a fucking frog.

Your question mentions your kinks, your wants, and your plan. What it doesn’t mention is what your wife wants, whether she enjoys your fetishes, or if she’s even aware this is all part of your master plan to get her to dominate you.

Do you know what she wants? Do you know if she enjoys your fetishes? Is she aware you have a plan for her? Does she even know you’re already taking steps to turn her into a dominant?

No? You don’t know? You didn’t tell her about your plan? I didn’t think so.

Dominants aren’t fetish delivery systems. They don’t exist to fulfill your fantasies and work out your kinks. If that’s what your wife is doing, then you’re the dominant and she’s service topping you. There’s nothing wrong with that (as long as service topping is something she’s okay with and you aren’t manipulating her into it). But don’t go around feeling all subby, because you’re not. You don’t get to feel hot and bothered because she’s “using” you… because she isn’t. You’re using her.

You asked about the next step, and here it is…

Go apologize to your wife for being an asshole.

 


[1] Not that I give a fuck about frogs, but there’s lots of evidence to suggest the slow-boil-frog thing isn’t true. Theoretically, you could bring the temperature of water up so slowly that the frog wouldn’t notice, but that would take over two hours. A frog isn’t going to stay still that long, so at some point, you’re going to end up with second degree burns and one very angry frog.

if you try to boil a frog, you'll end up with second degree burns and one very angry frog

 Do you have a question? Ask.

  43 Responses to “how do I get my wife to dominate me?”

  1. DD, while I agree with you, let me ask: If a guy slowly manages to condition his partner to be a service top, and if he can pretend that she’s being his cruel, domino-sadistic mistress, then what’s the harm?

    • It depends… does she enjoy it?

      If she does, then fantastic! If she enjoys service topping, then there’s no harm at all.

      But, if she doesn’t enjoy it, then there’s lots of harm in pretending (certainly harm to her, and probably to both of them).

      That’s what bothered me most about the question — he never mentioned whether or not his wife is into it. His recounting the “steps” he’s taken with her so far and his wondering about the “path” to femdom… the language seemed super-creepy to me.

      Again, if she’s GGG, super. But this guy sounds like he’s trying to make his wife into a femdom-bot all sneaky-like.

      (Also, holy shit! I don’t think you’ve ever commented here before…)

      • I have mixed thoughts on this kind of thing. I mean, I get creeped out by the guys who are into “stealth submission,” that is, the practice of *acting* as if you’re submitting, making dinner, being “extra nice”, etc., even though your partner is completely unaware of your motives.

        That said, some guys actually do get off on serving their partner – doing their nails, washing the dishes, whatever – regardless of whether their partner is on the same page. If you can get a charge out of pretending that your wife is dominating you, then maybe in the long run that couple will be happier than all of the other sad cases that I read about on various blogs and forums in which the partner gets introduced to FLR or BDSM, and doesn’t care for it.

        The number of blogs that I’ve read over the years (and the number that have closed) detailing failed attempts at some kind of FLR or D/s is positively depressing (is that an oxymoron?)

        But as to the guy writing to you? Not femdom, just fetish. We have no idea what’s going on with her side.

        I’ve commented before, haven’t I? Jeez, you’re in my RSS so I read you all the time.

        • You’re absolutely right — we have no idea what’s going on with the wife (heck, we don’t really know what’s going on with the husband).

          From what little we have to go on, it does sound as if this guy is attempting “stealth submission,” but not the kind you described. I imagine the kind of stealth submission that manifests as washing dishes, doing chores, and being extra nice is far less risky (and less manipulative) than the one this guy might be practicing with dildos, facesitting, and a foot fetish.

          If you can get a charge out of pretending that your wife is dominating you, then maybe in the long run that couple will be happier than all of the other sad cases that I read about on various blogs and forums in which the partner gets introduced to FLR or BDSM, and doesn’t care for it.

          Sure, but again, what you describe isn’t what this guy describes. I’d be happy to dominate just about anyone if all it entails is telling them to do my laundry and my housework. But if that domination entails watching someone jerk off and letting them lick my feet? Well, that potential submissive pool is MUCH smaller. :)

          But as to the guy writing to you? Not femdom, just fetish

          Agreed.

          I’ve commented before, haven’t I? Jeez, you’re in my RSS so I read you all the time.”

          Nope. I don’t think so. :) It’s cool though… *sniffle*

  2. Sounds like he needs to have a conversation with his wife. There were a few awkward conversations last year where I asked the husband to dominate me, but it was totally worth it because after some growing pains it means I enjoy submitting in the bedroom, he enjoys flexing dominant muscles he thought he might have but wasn’t sure how to go about using. Keeping trickery and subterfuge out of it means we can actually talk about what works and what doesn’t and grow the dynamic. Totally worth that first nerve-wracking conversation.

    • I’m glad it worked out for you. :) And, you’re absolutely right, if submission (or domination, or indulgence in a particular fetish) is something a person needs, then they should be honest with their partner about it.

      My guess is that in hetero relationships, a female asking to submit to her male partner (and just in the bedroom) is much better tolerated than the other way around. I have no real evidence to back this up, but I imagine conversations have much less chance of going well when the male asks to submit to the female. Sad, but true.

      • That’s a great question. If my husband expressed any desire to switch, I would be game for trying, but that’s just me. The funny thing is that I was afraid because I looked at it as changing the terms of our agreement/marriage, which is kind of stupid because the terms of marriage can change all the time due to life circumstances changing or just growing as a person, so why can’t the terms of sex?

        • @Tara: Oh… that’s a good point! Excuse my interpretation of your relationship, :) but my hunch is that you’d be willing to try switching because your relationship is already kinky and you’re both honest and open-minded about such things.

          When I hypothesized about hetero relationships, I guess I was only thinking of more vanilla relationships where the partners are unfamiliar with D/s, kinks, and whatnot… where one partner “comes out of the closet” with their kinks for the first time.

          My thinking is that in already-kinky relationships, the partners are both more willing to try new things than in vanilla relationships.

          And now that I’ve made a few more unfounded, sweeping generalizations about entire populations… I should probably give it a rest. :)

          • I think you’re right on all counts. And if my husband had come to me first thing in our relationship and told me he wanted to do stuff to me that I beg him for now, I probably would have freaked out at the time. There’s something about not only becoming more open minded, but also relaxing in a relationship (at least in our case) that can lead to a lot of possibilities.

          • There’s something about not only becoming more open minded, but also relaxing in a relationship (at least in our case) that can lead to a lot of possibilities.

            Yes! ^ This!

            I swear, 95% of the time, when someone mentions “getting comfortable in a relationship,” they mean it negatively — not trying anymore, getting lazy, etc. I wish more people would mention “getting comfortable” in a positive light — (as you suggested) meaning that partners may be more willing to try new things, more comfortable in their own skin, etc., etc.,… and all that good stuff. :)

  3. hahahaha, awesome.

    and totally agreed with! you can’t brainwash someone into wanting something they don’t may not want! it won’t last, and worst of all, it’ll create a seed of resentment that may go unnoticed by both parties x-amount of time, but will eventually come to a head.

    if the guy truly wants to enjoy a femdom wife, then your advice was spot on. he should talk to her and make sure this is something she’s willing to at least try for him.

    • it’ll create a seed of resentment that may go unnoticed by both parties x-amount of time, but will eventually come to a head.

      Yep. You’re spot on here. That sort of resentment is what I’d caution this guy about most. I mean, I would have, but I was too busy calling him an asshole. :)

  4. I tried the frog in the pot of water thing once, when I was a kid, and it didn’t work. (Well, not for me anyway)

    I couldn’t get it to stay in the water, regardless of the temperature. As soon as I put it in there, it hopped right out and scrambled to get away. After a couple of tries, I just said “Fuck it”, and gave up.

    I figured that either it was scared shitless, or had better things to do than sit around, waiting to die in a pot of boiling water.

    Great post, by the way.

    • Out of curiosity, why were you trying to boil a frog? :)

      I figured that either it was scared shitless, or had better things to do than sit around, waiting to die in a pot of boiling water.

      That’s exactly what the interwebz said — the whole thing isn’t feasible because frogs don’t stay still. I imagine it’s not feasible for wives, either. ;)

      • I was about 8 years old, at the time, and my friend and I misunderstood the whole boil the frog thing. We thought that if you boiled the water slowly enough, the frog would learn to live in boiling water. It was a theory too cool not to test out. We also tried to bring a dead cat back to life, that same summer, by hooking it up to a car battery. That didn’t work out so well either.

        ” I imagine it’s not feasible for wives, either. ;)”

        No, I wouldn’t imagine so. I never did try to boil her though. I did however, cover her up with the bath mat the night she passed out drunk, on the bathroom floor. It was the least I could do.

        • I was about 8 years old [. . .] We thought that if you boiled the water slowly enough, the frog would learn to live in boiling water. [. . .] We also tried to bring a dead cat back to life, that same summer, by hooking it up to a car battery.

          Oh Stephen… that is the saddest, sweetest story ever! I love it. It’s the perfect mix of compassion, optimism, and little boy curiosity. If we were both 8 years old, I’d totally tie you to a tree with my jump rope and give you girl-cooties (they’re transmitted by kissing, of course!)

          I never did try to boil her though. I did however, cover her up with the bath mat the night she passed out drunk, on the bathroom floor. It was the least I could do.

          The compassionate little boy turns into a compassionate man! :) Kudos for not attempting to boil your wife — not everyone makes that same decision! (we have some crazies in this state!)

          As for the bath mat on the bathroom floor, that’s the right move! If you had used a high thread count sheet or expensive comforter, she probably would have yelled at you for letting it touch the bathroom floor. Good call. :)

  5. Thanks for your advice on the elimination of frogs. Do you have any suggestions on getting rid of a colony of prairie dogs in my front yard?

    Mick

    • prairie dogs Mick, you sick fuck. Prairie dogs are adorable!

      Plus, they’re not all that bright and they’re easily conditioned. My suggestion to you is to train them and then you’ll have your very own army of prairie dogs to do your bidding. Just think of the possibilities…

       

       

       

      • DD, just so you know… I love the way your mind works :D

        Also (slightly more on topic) manipulative wannabe sub husbands… my ex hubby fits this bracket. When he finally had the balls to tell me what he wanted the reply was “Well why didn’t you fucking say so!” because a) I had already guessed anyway, and had had several failed attempts at getting him to talk about exactly what he wanted. and b) I’m quite the enthusiastic sado-masochist and rope top, given the opportunity and a cute victim.
        Interestingly it was his general inability to communicate that finally killed off our relationship. He didn’t want to listen if I asked to have my needs met. He didn’t speak up when he needed anything, even if I asked quite specific questions. He didn’t understand the need to talk about anything at all.
        So neither of us was getting what we needed. And that was the end of that.

        • @Lascivious – Yours is another voice to add to the pile recommending honesty and communication. I know it doesn’t always work out, but sometimes, it can. :)

          I’m sorry to hear that it ultimately didn’t work out. Failure to communicate is a huge deal… I imagine that’s what kills most relationships in the long run.

      • that was just too, too funny.

        thank-you!

  6. *Dominants aren’t fetish delivery systems. They don’t exist to fulfill your fantasies and work out your kinks. If that’s what your wife is doing, then you’re the dominant and she’s service topping you. There’s nothing wrong with that (as long as service topping is something she’s okay with and you aren’t manipulating her into it). But don’t go around feeling subby, because you’re not. You don’t get to go around all hot and bothered because she’s “using” you… because she isn’t. You’re using her.*

    This is spot-on. I may steal it (with proper credit given to you) and point a few guys in the direction of this post. Well said!

    • Thanks, Susannah. :)

      I wonder if most guys know how creepy it is when they do this? Heh, I guess I wonder if most men are even aware that they’re doing it…

      Also, thank you. It’s lovely to be quoted and pointed to… (pointed at, well, that’s another thing entirely).

      :)

  7. Thanks for the great topic!
    I, wannabe sub, also want my wife to be a mistress to me.
    So far I’ve only admitted and showed my love for chastity as well as my self bought device.
    Initially she was shocked, but now 2months passed, and she told me she likes me being so humble to her.
    She even starts deining me ander Teasing me. I’m locked up now for two weeks for the First time.
    Big step for her and me, and for that I adore her. Still a long way to go, but on the road, and enjoying it BOTH.

    ( Our toys are: Dildo for her, nippleclamps for me, Buttplug for me )

    Peter from the Netherlands….

    • I’m glad to hear it, Peter! I’m sure it was really difficult to be honest and admit what you want, but it seems like it’s working out. Best of luck to you and your wife!

  8. Ha. Awesome. Especially with photos.

  9. A great reply to the all-too-frequent “brilliant scheme” of “slyly” introducing kink – without seeking consent. As you said: “You’re using her.” When a partner is only used as a means to an end, the interaction is not ethical.

    The harm in stealth-anything (be it stealth submission, stealth fetish interaction, stealth-whatever):

    No consent.

    People can not consent if they don’t even get asked.

    And that does not even address the problem of not bothering to ask the partner what she wants to try out.

  10. “People can not consent if they don’t even get asked.”

    Edited to make perfectly it clear to people considering doing sneaky-stealthy-something to their partners:

    People can not choose if they want to consent to something or not, if they don’t even get asked.

    • Ranai: What you said about consent was the first place my mind went, too. But then I thought about all the ways that people use “pretend” and I chose not to use the word consent in my response to the question.

      For example, if I create a scenario in my head about tying David Beckham to the side of the soccer gate with his own shoe laces and use that fantasy to get myself off, I’m mentally using him without his consent. I realize it may sound silly, but I’ve received one or two emails from strangers detailing fantasies about me they’ve used to jerk off and it makes my skin crawl — that’s the first thing I thought of then, too, hey, I didn’t consent to be in your fantasy!

      So, similar to Tom’s first line of thinking, if the wife consents to the toys, and if she enjoys their play, I don’t think it’s a huge issue if he wants to pretend that his wife is dominating him (in the bedroom). It’s not honest, and it’s not the best thing he could do, but I don’t think it’s the worst thing, either.

      Of course, all of the above is really qualified, and it’s a slippery slope that probably won’t end well, but those qualifiers are what drove my decision to leave the word “consent” out of it.

      Anyway… just wanted to clarify my thoughts. Thanks for the comment. :)

      • You haven’t written to David Beckham detailing your fantasies to him. That would have been the step from imaginary interaction to real interaction.

        The email writers did not stop short of writing to you. That’s makes your skin crawl. They’ve overstepped the boundaries of polite interaction between strangers in reality, by writing their fantasies to you, without getting your consent for intimate correspondence first.

        There’s not much information in the email, so who knows about the hypothetical “if”s. We seem to be in agreement anyway, that people need to ask their partners (regarding their own desires and their partners’ desires), rather than avoid asking by resorting to all sorts of subterfuge.

        • You haven’t written to David Beckham detailing your fantasies to him.

          No…. not yet. :) Wait… you mean I shouldn’t do that?

          We seem to be in agreement anyway, that people need to ask their partners (regarding their own desires and their partners’ desires), rather than avoid asking by resorting to all sorts of subterfuge.

          Yes. We’re generally in agreement. :) I’m a proponent of honesty and communication in situations like this.

          While my hunch is that this guy crossed a line, I’m still hesitant to say where that line is or to endorse the idea that everything must be shared. I can think of a few hypotheticals harmless enough to justify not sharing with a partner. But for the record, this guy’s situation probably isn’t harmless.

  11. Ignorance of others can be so draining sometimes. I am sorry you had to suffer his pathetic mind. Some people can be so manipulative. Why can’t people just be real I cannot understand, is real so bad. I am sure that having to repond to this jerk probably made you feel like it lowered your IQ some and I am sorry you had to suffer that.

    Love the response though

    Respectfully,
    brattyboi

    • Why can’t people just be real I cannot understand, is real so bad.

      I think I get it… to a point. Real is scary. Real is vulnerable. Real risks rejection. I’ve been less-than-real for all of those reasons on more occasions than I’d like to admit. With that said, there’s a big difference between being less-than-real for fear of rejection and being downright manipulative to get what you want. My thinking is this guy is way over that line.

  12. interesting discussion….seems to highlight also that underlying this/his quandary, is that somehow he did not accept and gain comfort with his own need for FDomme before marrying his wife, whom he is thereafter trying the stealth-conversion approach with…….guys, we need to get on base with our kinks before swearing life-long allegiance with another partner whose predilections in these areas are still questionable or unknown!…this applies oc also to any serious-ly intended relationship even if non-marital.

    • somehow he did not accept and gain comfort with his own need for FDomme before marrying his wife

      While I’m more than ready to make a lot of assumptions about this guy, I don’t always assume that a person knows about their needs before they make a commitment to someone else. Who knows, it might be that he didn’t realize it until recently, or perhaps, that needed something new that wasn’t a need before. Certainly, my tastes and preferences have changed in the past 10 years – – both for potential partners and for the sort of sex that I enjoy.

      With that said, I agree with you that people should attempt to figure themselves out (inasmuch as that’s possible) before they make a commitment to anyone else.

      Thanks for the comment, westfal. :)

  13. It seems to me that a lot of people are terribly, terribly afraid of talking about sex — even with the people they are having sex with.

    I believe that’s what generates these approaches that try to get around consent: if you’re open and above board and ask for someone’s consent, guess what? They can SAY NO.

    Oh noes! World ends!

    Well, except for the fact that it doesn’t. I can understand why people shy away from rejection about something so incredibly personal. Being rejected by someone you’re intimate with when you are truthful about your sexuality hurts like a motherfucker.

    We should be able to expect someone we’re having sex with to be kind and thoughtful when we reveal something about our sexuality that involves consensual behavior between adults. However, a lot of times these conversations go horribly wrong, because the person on the receiving end of the revelations is A) shocked B) feels that they may be under pressure to do this stuff right away and they aren’t ready for it and C) they begin to wonder if you’ve been faking enjoyment of the sex you already have.

    So if you have that discussion, I recommend you take those fears right off the table. Tell them you’re never, ever going to force them to do any sexual activity they don’t want, ever, period, the end. Tell them you do enjoy the sex you have (if that’s true. If it isn’t, y’all got bigger problems than kink). Then say: I’m telling this not because I want to pressure you into doing anything, but because I want you to know me.

    Separate the KNOWING from the DOING. You can always have a second conversation later about “Hey, remember that thing? Are you up for it? If not, is it okay if I do it with someone at a party?” etc.

    • a lot of people are terribly, terribly afraid of talking about sex — even with the people they are having sex with.

      You can count me among them! (unfortunately)

      The advice that you give here is absolutely fantastic:

      So if you have that discussion, I recommend you take those fears right off the table. Tell them you’re never, ever going to force them to do any sexual activity they don’t want, ever, period, the end. Tell them you do enjoy the sex you have (if that’s true. If it isn’t, y’all got bigger problems than kink). Then say: I’m telling this not because I want to pressure you into doing anything, but because I want you to know me.

      Your advice is practical, actionable, and maximizes the chances for everything good while minimizing the potential for disaster. Once again, Lily, you’re brilliant. :)

  14. that’s a good point by Lily re separating out the ‘knowing’ from the ‘doing’…..this is a good approach when developing a new relationship also as it allows the other person to continue the relationship, or not, based on the truth about your interests……unfortunate that this is not done more often during the marital engagement period for many couples it seems…..

  15. Hi DD,

    I hope you’ll allow a new (and dissenting) opinion on your blog. You have a blog in which you share a lot of personal, sexual details of your relationship to J, someone whom you met as “vanilla”. Your blog also has a Q&A and you offer to give advice by soliciting questions from readers. I think one interpretation, and in my opinion, the fairest and most open-minded, is that the OP just wanted your advice on how to build a femdom relationship because you’re a woman who is in one (and writes about it online).

    There’s nothing in his post, or in his follow-up comments, to suggest that he hasn’t had a conversation with his wife and was asking you for some ideas as a knowledgeable and open person. It’s quite possible that his wife isn’t self-aware and doesn’t have the sexual experience to guide him with her own desires – a problem that seems common among vanilla women, since women are socially conditioned to repress sexuality. While your response was provocative, it came across as unnecessarily harsh, especially if we take the problem at face value and don’t assume any sinister intent.

    Unlike other commenters, I didn’t think he was manipulative or a jerk – and he’s no worse just because he’s trying to get stealth submission through face-sitting and not domestic service, nor would it be better if his submissive interests were less “fetishistic”. If we are being morally consistent, then any sort of stealth submission should be reprehensible because it is a form of non-consensual BDSM. I hope no one here thinks it’s acceptable to overlook the manipulations of only some types of stealth submission based on how much housework it relieves.

    AD

    • Before I take off in my response, thank you for the comment. Absolutely — I encourage disagreement and dissent. I’ve never claimed to know it all (I haven’t even claimed to know much… you know, “Dumb Domme”).

      And of course, if you’re arguing that we don’t know the OP’s situation, intent, or heart, you’re 100% right. We don’t know. We don’t have enough information. With that said, I make judgments based on the information I have. That’s exactly what I did here, and I’m comfortable with that decision.

      ***********
      Your blog also has a Q&A and you offer to give advice by soliciting questions from readers.

      Actually, I don’t offer to give advice. My Q&A asks readers to submit a “question, serious or silly.” Frankly, I’m perpetually shocked by the number of readers who ask for advice from someone who goes by “Dumb Domme.”

      Yes. I’ve given advice, but that was never my intent nor was it something I offered. Honestly, I keep hoping people will ask questions about me. :)

      one interpretation, and in my opinion, the fairest and most open-minded, is that the OP just wanted your advice on how to build a femdom relationship

      “Fair” and “open-minded” do not (necessarily) equal ideal and/or positive. For the record, I considered a “best case scenario,” and I didn’t think it was likely.

      Your interpretation, that the OP wanted advice on how to build a femdom relationship, is completely unsupported. The OP mentioned role, as well as dildo, facesitting, foot fetish, and fisting. He did not mention anything about their relationship. (This is why I didn’t think a a “best case” scenario was likely.)

      There’s nothing in his post, or in his follow-up comments, to suggest that he hasn’t had a conversation with his wife and was asking you for some ideas as a knowledgeable and open person.

      There’s nothing to suggest he has, either.

      And honestly, the fact that he managed to mention facesitting, dildos, foot fetishes, and fisting but did not mention a conversation leads me to believe one is more important to him than the other. Am I sure? Fuck no, but I go with the info I have and make judgments based on that.

      Also, I’m not sure what you mean by “his follow-up comments.” To my knowledge, he did not respond with any comments — I never heard from him again.

      While your response was provocative, it came across as unnecessarily harsh, especially if we take the problem at face value and don’t assume any sinister intent.

      I hate to repeat myself, but “face value” was all about kinks and fetishes. I don’t assume sinister intent — I just assume he’s an asshole.

      and he’s no worse just because he’s trying to get stealth submission through face-sitting and not domestic service, nor would it be better if his submissive interests were less “fetishistic”

      I disagree. Not all honesty/dishonesty is equal — some forms of dishonesty and manipulations are worse than others. If someone decided to pressure or manipulate me by doing chores, bringing me tea, and washing my car, that’s a whole hell of a lot better than someone pressuring or manipulating me with sex acts.

      If we are being morally consistent, then any sort of stealth submission should be reprehensible because it is a form of non-consensual BDSM.

      I’m sorry, but this is silly. I make absolutely no claim to “moral consistency,” in part, because the idea is ridiculous. Being pressured by someone I love into facesitting and fisting is WAY worse than being pressured into allowing him to do the dishes.

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