Mar 262013
femdom spanking punishment

If only we could solve relationship issues with floggers…

I mentioned in an earlier post that J and I have gone around in circles a bit lately.

He’s been inattentive. I’ve been distant. I’m not good at communicating my needs, and he hasn’t done much to figure it out on his own. I don’t like asking for help or demanding attention, and I don’t do either as often as I should. On a few occasions when I have asked something of him or tried to communicate my needs, he’s misunderstood, failed to make it a priority, or flat-out refused. (not every time, but more often than is acceptable)

Our wires get crossed, communication breaks down, and we end up feeling disconnected and apathetic.

I’m partly to blame, as I haven’t been diligent in identifying problems and taking steps to correct them. J isn’t a permanent addition to my life, so I’ve tolerated more in this relationship than I have in others. I want to enjoy our time while we have it, so I’ve chosen to focus on what makes me happy rather than on what doesn’t.

My failure to deal with things is part avoidance and part rational, conscious decision. Since we communicate best in person, dealing with relationship issues would take up what little time we have together (a weekend or two a month, maybe a day or two here and there). Dealing with unpleasant relationship issues isn’t fun.

I’ve thought about what might happen if I were more diligent in identifying issues and figuring out ways to improve them. I’ve considered several possibilities.

Possibility #1: We might try to work on our issues, but then realize they can’t be resolved. We might discover we’re not compatible enough to continue the relationship, and then we lose the opportunity to enjoy each others company while he’s here.

Possibility #2: We take the time, effort, and unpleasantness required to resolve our issues, but then soon after, he gets the call — he’ll leave for the west coast and be out of my life. We will have wasted the time we had time working to sustain a relationship that no longer exists.

Possibility #3: We figure everything out, things improve, and he’s around long enough for us to enjoy the fruits of our efforts.

In my mind, it’s a cost vs. benefits thing.

But, unfortunately, potential costs and potential benefits are both unknowns because of the unique characteristics of our relationship.

We’ve been together two years, but since we can’t see each other as often as a normal couple, we’re in a kind of stunted relationship growth. On one hand, it means there’s still some new relationship energy that makes things exciting and fun. On the other hand, it means we probably don’t know each other as well as we should after two years of dating.

Besides that, J and I aren’t a permanent arrangement. We know that at some point, he’s going to move across the country and I’m not going with him. What we don’t know is when that might happen. It could be next week or it could be next year.

I not sure what to do with all of that. It makes determining any course of action difficult — I can’t assess potential costs or benefits because of other variables in the equation.

Up until now, a combination of avoidance and logical decision-making has led me to inaction (which is, of course, a form of action), and that worked well for a while. I was able to focus on the happy stuff and let little things go, provided those things were relatively insignificant and didn’t recur.

But those little things have become recurring issues which are compounded by other little things… and then it all hit critical mass. Everything I set slide — things I tried to ignore — all came back a hundred times bigger than they were. Now we’re dealing with anger, sadness, resentment, and general butt hurt, not only because of the recent issue that sent us over the cliff, but also, of all the little issues that came before it.

Since my previous approach isn’t working anymore, I’m taking action.

I’m not yet sure what that means or what action will look like, but I’m working on it. I have no way of knowing potential costs or benefits, but we’re going to find out.


  11 Responses to “costs vs. benefits”

  1. Maybe the problem is thinking to much about the future and what may happen and when. Try enjoying the moment with J and be in the here and now.
    If you are thinking to much about the future with J then how can you enjoy and savor the actual moment and time of now.

    • Hello Southern, nice to see you around here again. :)

      Try enjoying the moment with J and be in the here and now.

      Honestly, it’s not that I’m thinking too much about the future. It’s that when J is inattentive, fails to make an effort, and is generally un-submissive, I have no desire to see him. I can’t enjoy the moment with J if I decide not to see him at all.

      I’ve tried to explain to him before that after I’ve been in a relationship for a while, my heart and my cunt (and my will to play) are inseparably connected. If he isn’t making any effort, then I don’t feel loved or important or any of that wonderful stuff. When I don’t feel loved and important, I like him less, and my will-to-fuck fades away.

      If I don’t like him, I certainly don’t want to fuck him.

      Does that make sense? I hope so. It makes sense in my head.

      • Actually it does make a lot of sense. What you say makes me think about something I came across while surfing one day “A Dominant needs to be needed. S submissive needs to feel wanted.”
        Those words ring true, so yes all of what you said is understandable.

        Hope you both can work through it soon.

  2. Ugh. I’m sorry to hear that.

    I imagine you are both equally keen to make the best of the time you do have left together (however long that might be), so given that as a common goal, it seems like your mutual motivation should be super high to come up with something that works.

    I’m sending all sorts of positive thoughts into the ether… should be there by Monday.


    • Thank you for the motivation, but seriously, can’t you send it express?

      I’m motivated, and working on a solution (spreadsheet!). Now all he has to do is find the motivation to follow directions. *fingers crossed* :)

  3. I’m not sure where to begin because I’m all wrapped in feelin’ ya, ya know? I have been beaten over the head to “live in the moment,” etc, etc, and while it’s a wonderful philosophy, as you’ve pointed out, it really only applies if the current moment is acceptable. If it isn’t, then you’re kinda screwed.

    I can live in the moment with TN because generally speaking, I get what I need from him. I struggle with it when I don’t. It’s a simple equation, though I’ve never laid it out like that to him before.

    So, be it you have a week or a year after, none of it can be predicted; nothing you do today will affect the ultimate outcome of his departure (that makes me incredibly sad to write, btw). I say, do what brings you the most pleasure now *because* you don’t know when it will end.

    I’m not one to give advice (though I just kinda did). I just want to say I feel like I really get this. It’s what I do due to “the nature of my relationship” and it seems to plug the holes well enough to keep us afloat until we are due to sink.

    I’m sorry you’re having to wrestle with this and wish you a speedy solution. xx Hy

  4. Because my husband and I don’t see each other often, we hardly argue. It seems like a waste of time when time is so precious in person. And so I believe we each focus on the happy, positive sides. But we most assuredly tackle the not fun stuff, mostly by texts. While not ideal (and I don’t like him nearly as much when he’s absent), the texting gives us time to think, write, erase, write, erase, think, write, clarify, before responding. If we were in person discussing this, we would let the emotions of the moment get to us and get carried away, or we would avoid/distract with sex.

    Every couple is so vastly different. You wanting to concentrate on the happy, and avoiding the talking, really suggests that you want to ride this out until you simply can’t. I hope you find a solution together with him that you both find easy to your unique personalities.

  5. This really strikes a chord with me.

    The Gentleman and I were close friends before we entered into a relationship so in one respect we have the advantage of knowing each other well right from the beginning. In fact I would go so far as to say that is probably the only reason we have made it this far!

    We each entered into what we imagined would be a fun and short lived encounter and as you say, in the interests of enjoying it for what it was, found ourselves letting things go that perhaps we should not have, or feeling slightly frustrated with each other. We both had some hard lessons to learn about effective communication! But in what we believed to be a short term affair we didn’t really have the time. Eventually avoidance of issues blew up into a horrendous argument. albeit one which also led to us admitting that we actually loved each other. (The most terrifying day I have had in a very very long time!)

    It has now been two years. And the dynamic of the relationship has altered completely. It is, now, an actual relationship. One we have invested two years of our lives into, even though we too cannot see each other often.

    I am not, like you, struggling with the prospect of being forced to lose him forever at a currently undisclosed time. I do worry that career and long term plans might drag us from each other eventually.

    The communication lesson I have learned that does help us deal with things without too much disruption to our relationship and enjoyment of each other is to very calmly and honestly deal with the small things whilst they are still small things. Not to let them become big bad scary and difficult to solve issues. Its a hell of a lot easier to have one quick conversation about a little thing, then move on from that and carry on enjoying each other, than to deal with the mess of letting things get out of hand.

    It would appear that The Gentleman and I are in it for the long haul, even if that means changing some of our plans slightly in order to accommodate each other. (SCARY!) But even if that were not the case, I will always be grateful to have learned from him the virtue of dealing with things quickly and calmly straight away.

    • What a sweet story!

      I’m glad to hear that you figured things out and glad to hear that your relationship is better than ever! Communication is key — you’re 100% right on that.

      For my part, I’m working to pay attention when things do bother me (even little ones) and forcing myself to say something, even when I don’t want to (I’d rather have fun and not bring us down with silly little things).

      Of course, I’m a major work in progress. Whatever issues we have are at least half my fault — I’m stubborn and generally self-centered. But… I’m working on it! It’s slow going… but it’s going…

      Thanks for the comment! :)

  6. I have far too much sympathy with this situation. Not wanting to spoil the moment or lose the pleasure that there is ‘now’ there are things I will not say because I don’t want to break my relationship and I don’t have certainty that it would survive an attempt to work it out, I don’t even know that the other person would try.

    I know that’s wrong. It takes more courage than I have to change things. I’m glad you’re trying to find ways to work things out. I wish you every success and happiness.

    Faile x

    • I’m sorry that you identify with my situation! As you know, it sucks, and it’s our own fault.

      It’s a lot of not-knowing myself, or him, and it’s a lot of insecurities and impatience. I do the best I can, hope he does the same, and hope for the best.

      Thanks for the well-wishes, Faile. I wish the same for you. :)

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