Jan 132013
 

On occasion, I receive strange, highly formal, totally impersonal messages from submissive males who clearly haven’t read much of what’s here on the blog. If they had, they might realize a message with ridiculous honorifics and fucked up D/s capitalization isn’t best way to approach me.

The weirdest thing is the syntax — the lexical choices, arrangement of words and phrases, and sentence types and structures. It’s strange, but something in it sounds familiar. For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out where I had seen that weird writing style before.

Yesterday, I was cleaning up my email inbox and checking my spam folder. Just for a laugh, I opened a few of the “Nigerian email scam” type messages… and then it hit me. That’s where I recognize the style from — some of the language and odd sentence construction in the Nigerian scam emails is nearly indistinguishable from the messages I’ve received from submissive males.

So… I thought it might be fun to play a little game I’m calling “Submissive Male? Or Nigerian Email Scam?”

  1. I edited for things like D/s capitalization that would indicate origin.
  2. Before you yell at me for poking fun at submissive males, read the caveat, (and then you can yell at me).

 

Submissive Male or Nigerian Email Scam?
(static version)

1. I am thankful to have the opportunity to speak with you and let me tell you about myself. I am educated, socially adroit, successful and extremely well respected. I help run an orphanage and feel a yearning to help people. If you see fit, I can offer you the opportunity to enhance your life.

Was this text written by a submissive male? or a Nigerian email scammer?

hover below for the answer
submissive male
2. I understand you demand a high level of maturity and I offer my sincere apologies if this letter causes any form of irritation. I can not vividly explain the emotions I have upon finding you and I look forward to further correspondence. You should know how much is at stake for me in contacting you. I risk my career and my family and ask your discretion for that reason. Despite this nothing ventured is nothing gained and I promise you have much to gain. Your earliest response to this message is appreciated. Humbly yours, …

Was this text written by a submissive male? or a Nigerian email scammer?

hover below for the answer
submissive male
3. I do not mean any disrespect approaching you through this medium, but I crave your indulgence, and hope you do not take undue advantage of the trust I bestow in you. I await your response.

Was this text written by a submissive male? or a Nigerian email scammer?

hover below for the answer
Nigerian email scammer
4. I beg you, grant me the opportunity to show you that I’m worthy of correspondence. It is my deepest prayer that you would consider my request. I am at your mercy.

Was this text written by a submissive male? or a Nigerian email scammer?

hover below for the answer
Nigerian email scammer
5. I confess. I find myself at a loss for words and proceeding tremulously, which is quite uncommon. I beg your indulgence as I attempt to bring to life the situation I find myself in as it relates to you.

Was this text written by a submissive male? or a Nigerian email scammer?

hover below for the answer
submissive male

 

Caveat: I’m not poking fun at all submissive males. I’m poking fun at some submissive males, specifically, the ones that send messages like the ones above. With that said, I have no doubt people of all genders, orientations, and roles send silly emails, but because I’m a dominant female, most of the messages I receive are from submissive males.

To the many submissive males who are polite, respectful, and sincere (without coming off like serfs Medieval serfs or lowly worm wankers simply interested in getting their rocks off), thank you. To the rest, best of luck!

  33 Responses to “submissive male or Nigerian email scam?”

  1. I think that the best way to tell the difference would be to ask them for a bank account number and, of course, the appropriate passwords.

    If the account is full, you know it’s a Nigerian scammer. The empty accounts belong to the submissives in shining armor.

    • @slapshot: Not a bad idea! Also, the submissive might be more willing to give me the bank account number…

      “I’M A FINDOMME… gimme all your money because I am super awesome and you suck!”

      Nah. I don’t think I could say that with a straight face. :)

  2. I was at FetLife for a little while (yes, I know… but I didn’t want to leave any stone unturned), and they seemed hyper-vigilant about what I affectionately call the “Nigerian Gentlemen’s Wank & Woo Country Club”. It’s no wonder. Pests like these spoil anyone’s lifestyle party, and can completely ruin a network like FetLife.
    I had one small advantage over you – most of them gave themselves away by sadly mistaking me for a Domme (because “everyone” knows only Dom/mes employ a large vocabulary).
    And those who did manage to recognise which end of the spectrum I belong to, wrote amusing things, such as “Get down upon your knees for grossly in overstepping your to me bounderies. You errant bitch!” in their “introductory” letters.

    • @Phare du Four: ““Get down upon your knees for grossly in overstepping your to me bounderies. You errant bitch!” in their “introductory””

      OMG, this is my new favorite line!

      I hadn’t realized there was something like that on FetLife — is it a term for wankers or a term for people trying to scam others for money?

      • Want to have more fun with them? Switch languages and watch them follow. You name it! Switch from Spanish to Russian to Estonian – they will follow you without so much as a “WTF?”

        • Nice! Or, I could write back with something completely ridiculous: “I’m looking forward to our cucumber and floor mats. I’ll rotate you as soon as I get the ceiling fan from my follicles!”

  3. I recently signed up on FetLife (I know) out of curiosity. I found many who were annoying. I hate it when people think that submission is just as easy as emailing your credentials then asking something from you. I never thought that Dom/mes get these kinds of email too. I agree that it is irritating and although I have only been in the lifestyle for a year now, it does kill it. I hate that people have the opportunity to easily pose as Dom/mes at places such as FetLife only to take advantage of submissive women or men.

    Love the test! I failed it! The Nigerian email scams were more interesting than the submissive emails. haha!

    • @Louise: “Love the test! I failed it!”

      You know, give me a month or two to forget the answers and I might fail too!

      “The Nigerian email scams were more interesting than the submissive emails. haha!”

      No way! That one submissive ran an orphanage… seriously… an orphanage?!?! That’s my favorite!

  4. @Louise:

    Yeah — I think both sides of the spectrum get it, although I would guess that women get disproportionally more emails than men do, both female subs and female doms.

    “pose as Dom/mes at places such as FetLife only to take advantage of submissive women or men.”

    Agreed. At least when people (men, typically) “pose” as subs and try to solicit dominants with these sorts of messages, the most they’re looking for is a wank while they sit in front of their computers. In those cases, if them simply writing the message helps them get their rocks off, I don’t feel as if I’ve been taken advantage of.

    I wonder if we did a poll, which gender/role combination would report they had felt taken advantage of in the highest percentages, and how did they feel they were taken advantage of?

    Off the top of my head, it would look something like this:

    1. Do you identify primarily as a) female, or b) male
    2. Do you identify primarily as a) submissive, or b) dominant
    3. Do you feel as if you’ve ever been taken advantage of by a person of the “other” role? (if submissive, have you been taken advantage of by a dominant? if dominant, have you been taken advantage of by a submissive?)
    4. Which of the following best describes the way you were taken advantage of: physically, sexually, monetarily, _____, ______, etc.

    Anyway, just initial thoughts… not as if I’m going to actually take a poll any time soon.

  5. Oh carps, D, I failed this test all over the damn place. Apparently both male submissiveness and Nigerian scammers are out to get me and my millions. AND I CAN’T DISTINGUISH THE DIFFERENCE. Because that’s the point of this exercise, right?

    • Silly Heather, you can’t fail the test. I already gave you 14 extra credit points for awesomeness…. and for boobs.

  6. 5/5… I am Super Ultimate Ninja Miss!! The boy had better watch out!

    • @Miss: 5/5? Your boy had better watch out… that’s for sure! By the way, your certificate of completion and diploma of Super Ultimate Ninja status is in the mail. :)

  7. I got all five right, but I wasn’t sure on most of them.

  8. It frightens me slightly that I got the answers right on all of them.

    It’s funny how men THINK they can get your attention. Because, after all, nothing is more appealing than painting yourself as a totally piteous and pathetic and apparently unable to manage your life, right?

    Did any of the Nigerians send pictures of their genitals?

    • @MsConstance: Pitiable? Pathetic? Where do I get me some of that? :)

      No… no genitals. I’m not sure whether that would have helped their cause or not. I guess it depends on the genitals? ;D

  9. Well I failed the test. A lot of Nigerians want me, but apparently no submissive males. If you hadn’t posted this, I would never have believed it! You lucky woman.

    • @Bilikesscifi: Don’t hate just because I’m a lucky bitch. Some women get all cock shots and compliments. I get scams and sad-sacks… further proof, that I’m in high demand. :)

  10. I did pretty well, but only because two of the messages were from me. I still don’t know why you refused to indulge my tremendous request for a lucrative opportunity for enhancing sensual fulfillment Vis-a-vis taking advantage of my ass with your superior strap on loving.

    Please reply soon for this once in a lifetime opportunity.

    • @Peroxide: I thought that was you, but I wasn’t sure. If I knew, I would have responded immediately.

      Now, if you’ll just give me a day or two, I’ll transfer my strapon to your safety deposit box and we’ll live happily ever after, rolling in lucrative sensual fulfillment…

  11. You’ve been nominated! (Because you’re awesome!)

    http://deviantwench.wordpress.com/2013/01/14/fabulous-gutter-blogger-award/

    The Fabulous Gutter Blogger Rules of Acceptance:

    Thank the person who nominated you. (Written thanks, kisses, oral sex, all of the above – whatever seems appropriate.)
    Link back to their blog in your post.
    Post the image of the Award on your blog.
    Copy and answer the six questions from their blog post.
    Nominate nine bloggers, link to them and let them know they’ve been nominated.

  12. This is officially my favorite blog post from a dominant female, ever. Seriously. I love it, even if I did fail the quiz miserably.

    I once sat through a lecture that ended with a 20-minute game of “Syphilis or TB” in which we had to guess which disease famous historical figures died from. This was even more fun!

    • Thanks, Jalan.

      While Syphilis or TB, Historical Figure Edition sounds like fun, I agree that Sub or Scam? is a bit more fun. I guess in the end, they’re all a pain in the crotch. :)

  13. You crack me up. I love this blog

  14. Hello!

    Just a little note to tell you how happy I am to have found your site.

    I am the bottom half in a D/s marriage. We are extremely happy and consider ourselves very lucky to have found each other. Being in love and living together for about three years, we realized marriage was the next logical step. Really now, how lucky can two people be?

    Since I’m professionally employed in the medical field and my wife has double major degrees, we’re considered relatively successful. Yet, in public, the world wouldn’t begin to imagine the fun stuff we do behind closed doors. I mention this because for some bizarre reason, I find that many people seem to equate this lifestyle to some sort of shadowy, dark subculture. Of course, in reality, nothing could be farther from the truth.

    I just wanted to tell you a little something about ourselves and to wish you success and happiness in all your endeavors.

    Sincerely,

    Frank+Vicky

    • Frank & Vicky,

      Thanks for the note! I’m always happy to hear who is lurking around and reading. :)

      “Being in love and living together for about three years, we realized marriage was the next logical step. Really now, how lucky can two people be?”

      Congratulations and continued happiness to you both! Finding love isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. I’d like to think it’s part luck, and part hard work, patience, and being the best person you can be.

      “my wife has double major degrees, we’re considered relatively successful. Yet, in public, the world wouldn’t begin to imagine the fun stuff we do behind closed doors. I mention this because for some bizarre reason, I find that many people seem to equate this lifestyle to some sort of shadowy, dark subculture.”

      Admittedly, I don’t have tons of experience in talking to people about my sex life and relationships (except, of course, here on the blog!), but what you describe hasn’t been my experience. I’ve run into lots of well-educated, successful, people who are also into BDSM (I hesitate to call it a “lifestyle”). I can only hope that my friends, family, and colleagues don’t imagine what I do behind closed doors, and with very few exceptions, I try not to imagine them either! ;)

      “I just wanted to tell you a little something about ourselves and to wish you success and happiness in all your endeavors.”

      Thank you! It’s always nice to hear from people in love! Best to both of you. :)

  15. I only got one of them right. I find that particularly sad considering I am a submissive male. Can’t even identify the native language of my species. Lol. The only one I did get right I got right with reverse psychology. “Well this one looks like a submissive male so… Nigerian Scammer? Success!”

    Also, while I’m taking a break from lurking for a second. Thanks for the good reading. You have a great sense of humor, in my opinion, and I’ve really liked reading the blog.

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