I’m a very curious sub female in training. It’s all been online so far, I have yet to meet my Dom male in person… and when I do, I’ve been instructed that I will not be allowed to see him. I’m a bit nervous about this although we have built up an amazing bond of trust so far. Your thoughts please on the first meeting condition…
So, the first time you meet your Dom in person, he will see you, but you aren’t “allowed” to see him?
First, and most importantly, the possible logistics give me some concern for your safety. Obviously, you aren’t meeting in a safe public place with other people around because wearing a blindfold might raise a few eyebrows. Meeting at a “kink friendly” event might make it easier to wear a blindfold, but it doesn’t ensure your safety. If you’re meeting at a kink-friendly club or party, make sure you have in-real-life friends with you — if you don’t know anyone there, you’re not much safer than being alone. Of course, I assume you already know it’s not safe to meet someone alone (just the two of you with no other people around) anywhere — not at your place, not at his place, not in any secluded environment. Seeing or not, it’s just not safe. Don’t do it. If he’s asking you to do this, he’s either unsafe or he’s an insensitive, uninformed asshole. In either case, run for the hills and find someone better.
Now that the obvious safety issues are out of the way, what do I think of it?
I think it’s shitty. It’s a dick move. It’s amateur and immature. Best case scenario: it’s more fantasy than reality, more Fifty Shades of Grey than the start of a meaningful relationship. Worst case scenario: it’s dangerous.
But why doesn’t he want you to see him? Let’s go through some possibilities…
Possibility #1: It’s not really a possibility — it was something he said, but doesn’t mean. Maybe it was a hot sexy fantasy or flirty-fun-D/s talk instead of a suggestion for reality. I hope this is the case.
Possibility #2: He wants to check out “the goods” (you) before he decides if he wants you or not. He could be giving himself a chance to bail — if he doesn’t find you attractive in person, he can cut and run without ever having to look you in the eye. Sure, it sounds extreme, but so does “instructing” you that you’re not allowed to see him when you first meet.
Possibility #3: It’s a “test of your submission.” This might be one of those situations where a d-type asks an s-type to do something just to see if they’ll do it, to see if the s-type will “submit” to their demand. I get this, honestly, I do. I have no problem with these sorts of “submission tests” in the appropriate degree and in the appropriate context. Demanding that you not see him when you meet is neither an appropriate degree nor an appropriate context. If he wants to test your submission, there are less extreme and much safer ways to accomplish the same thing, ways that appropriate for your current relationship and level of familiarity. If he wants to make demands to see if you’ll obey, then he can do something else — demand you wear a red dress, demand you wear mismatched socks, demand you wear your hair the way he likes. If he’s looking to see if you’ll do something more extreme, then he could demand you do something that makes you feel silly — demand you wear a football helmet, blue lipstick, and a bathrobe over your clothes. That would accomplish the same thing in a way that’s appropriate to you current relationship and level of trust. Speaking of trust…
Possibility #4: He’s testing to see whether you “trust” him. If so, he’s a jerk for demanding that level of trust so soon, or he’s an idiot for assuming he should have it. If you decide to go through with it in an unsafe scenario, then you’re irresponsible and reckless. Even if you follow the instruction, it doesn’t necessarily mean you trust him. All it proves is your willingness to act as if you trust him. That’s not trusting him not to hurt you. It’s hoping he won’t hurt you. Hope /= trust. Trust isn’t something you can just give someone; it has to be earned. Trust isn’t something you can expect simply because you demand it. It doesn’t work that way (even if you want it to). He hasn’t earned that sort of trust yet, so he shouldn’t expect it, he shouldn’t ask for it, and you shouldn’t give it to him (nor should you act as if you have).
Possibilities 1 through 4 are all shitty to varying degrees of “not a good idea.”
My question to you is this: What do you think of it?
In case you aren’t sure, I’ll tell you. You aren’t comfortable with it. If you were, you wouldn’t have asked. Listen to your gut.
If you’re not comfortable, tell him. At this early stage in the relationship (before you’ve even met), if he ignores your discomfort, then he’s not a good person, not a good dominant, and he’s not worthy of your submission.
Ask him why he wants this. If he doesn’t tell you, but still expects you to obey, then he’s not a good person, not a good dominant, and not worth your submission.
If at any point he asks “don’t you trust me?” your response should be “fuck no.”
If he’s a good dominant, he’ll ask “What can I do to earn it?”