Jan 152013

Hi D,

I’m a very curious sub female in training. It’s all been online so far, I have yet to meet my Dom male in person… and when I do, I’ve been instructed that I will not be allowed to see him.  I’m a bit nervous about this although we have built up an amazing bond of trust so far. Your thoughts please on the first meeting condition…

So, the first time you meet your Dom in person, he will see you, but you aren’t “allowed” to see him?

First, and most importantly, the possible logistics give me some concern for your safety. Obviously, you aren’t meeting in a safe public place with other people around because wearing a blindfold might raise a few eyebrows. Meeting at a “kink friendly” event might make it easier to wear a blindfold, but it doesn’t ensure your safety. If you’re meeting at a kink-friendly club or party, make sure you have in-real-life friends with you — if you don’t know anyone there, you’re not much safer than being alone. Of course, I assume you already know it’s not safe to meet someone alone (just the two of you with no other people around) anywhere — not at your place, not at his place, not in any secluded environment. Seeing or not, it’s just not safe. Don’t do it. If he’s asking you to do this, he’s either unsafe or he’s an insensitive, uninformed asshole. In either case, run for the hills and find someone better.

Now that the obvious safety issues are out of the way, what do I think of it?

I think it’s shitty. It’s a dick move. It’s amateur and immature. Best case scenario: it’s more fantasy than reality, more Fifty Shades of Grey than the start of a meaningful relationship. Worst case scenario: it’s dangerous.

But why doesn’t he want you to see him? Let’s go through some possibilities…

Possibility #1: It’s not really a possibility — it was something he said, but doesn’t mean. Maybe it was a hot sexy fantasy or flirty-fun-D/s talk instead of a suggestion for reality. I hope this is the case.

Possibility #2: He wants to check out “the goods” (you) before he decides if he wants you or not. He could be giving himself a chance to bail — if he doesn’t find you attractive in person, he can cut and run without ever having to look you in the eye. Sure, it sounds extreme, but so does “instructing” you that you’re not allowed to see him when you first meet.

Possibility #3: It’s a “test of your submission.” This might be one of those situations where a d-type asks an s-type to do something just to see if they’ll do it, to see if the s-type will “submit” to their demand. I get this, honestly, I do. I have no problem with these sorts of “submission tests” in the appropriate degree and in the appropriate context. Demanding that you not see him when you meet is neither an appropriate degree nor an appropriate context. If he wants to test your submission, there are less extreme and much safer ways to accomplish the same thing, ways that appropriate for your current relationship and level of familiarity. If he wants to make demands to see if you’ll obey, then he can do something else — demand you wear a red dress, demand you wear mismatched socks, demand you wear your hair the way he likes. If he’s looking to see if you’ll do something more extreme, then he could demand you do something that makes you feel silly — demand you wear a football helmet, blue lipstick, and a bathrobe over your clothes. That would accomplish the same thing in a way that’s appropriate to you current relationship and level of trust. Speaking of trust…

Possibility #4: He’s testing to see whether you “trust” him. If so, he’s a jerk for demanding that level of trust so soon, or he’s an idiot for assuming he should have it. If you decide to go through with it in an unsafe scenario, then you’re irresponsible and reckless. Even if you follow the instruction, it doesn’t necessarily mean you trust him. All it proves is your willingness to act as if you trust him. That’s not trusting him not to hurt you. It’s hoping he won’t hurt you. Hope /= trust. Trust isn’t something you can just give someone; it has to be earned. Trust isn’t something you can expect simply because you demand it. It doesn’t work that way (even if you want it to). He hasn’t earned that sort of trust yet, so he shouldn’t expect it, he shouldn’t ask for it, and you shouldn’t give it to him (nor should you act as if you have).

Possibilities 1 through 4 are all shitty to varying degrees of “not a good idea.”

My question to you is this: What do you think of it?

In case you aren’t sure, I’ll tell you. You aren’t comfortable with it. If you were, you wouldn’t have asked. Listen to your gut.

If you’re not comfortable, tell him. At this early stage in the relationship (before you’ve even met), if he ignores your discomfort, then he’s not a good person, not a good dominant, and he’s not worthy of your submission.

Ask him why he wants this. If he doesn’t tell you, but still expects you to obey, then he’s not a good person, not a good dominant, and not worth your submission.

If at any point he asks “don’t you trust me?” your response should be “fuck no.”

If he’s a good dominant, he’ll ask “What can I do to earn it?”


  25 Responses to “Ask-A-Domme Advice: I’m meeting a dom for the first time, but I’m not allowed to see him”

  1. “In case you aren’t sure, I’ll tell you. You aren’t comfortable with it. If you were, you wouldn’t have asked. Listen to your gut.”

    Great advice there! I could have saved myself untold numbers of problems had I learned that earlier than I did.

    The Dom in question sounds more like a funny uncle than anything else. Even if you discount my finely tuned sense of paranoia, meeting someone that you’re not allowed to actually see could be seen as a somewhat morbid and creepifying event… But maybe that’s just me.

  2. Possibility #5 – His appearance is not as he has represented it, or he has body issues about how he looks. He sees this as a way to progress the relationship beyond online without giving the submissive chance to check out ‘his goods’. He hopes that by the time that does happen they’ll have built a stronger bond, or at the very least he’ll have gotten some physical play time with the submissive.

    It’s not any less shitty a reason than the others you listed, but thought I’d mention it for completeness.

    I think your advice is very sound. If you can’t meet someone for coffee/light lunch/glass of wine/whatever and talk as equals (with possible minor adjustment for the type of submissive tests you mention) then that’s a big red flag in my mind.


    • @paltego: You’re absolutely right about possibility #5 — I hadn’t thought of that. Actually, I hadn’t considered any possibilities that included the dominant feeling less-than-confident or generally apprehensive (for whatever reason). As apprehensive and unsure as I am, you would have thought I might have considered that. Anyway, you’re right on.

  3. Excellent advice. If I’ve ever met anyone for the first time (even just as friends), it’s always been a public place. It’s just not safe, and like you said, trust is earned.

    • @Cammies: Right. I don’t care whether people have never spoken or known each other years online, first meeting should always be in a public place.

  4. I agree, the ‘What the fucking fuck??!!!’ is strong with this one.

    To me, female submissives are the most at-risk of bad things happening (yes, I know there are all sorts of ‘but buts…’ in there, I don’t care) for this very reason.

    I don’t think people online are more dangerous than in real life, but I’m very aware that in real life, you have a bunch of cues that allow you to assess whether a guy is creepy-scary or not. You have never had that, and the online environment allows people to show their best, most charming, lovely face.

    Even if we put aside the creepy-scary, I know that you think you *know* this man from your online interactions, but you don’t.

    How many times have you done this? Met some man from online? I suspect (and am going to assume) that this is your first.

    If you have any experience at all, you would know that even if he is a genuinely nice man and this is just a misguided ‘wouldn’t this be hot!?’ thing, you may meet him and there might be just ‘nothing’ there: it might feel like meeting a brother, a friend, with no spark or heat, and you may have no interest whatsoever in play/sex/whatever with him (which is what the ‘not seeing him’ naturally implies). You have no way to assess that without a proper, normal, sit-down-and-have-a-chat scenario.

    If he pulls the ‘not a real submissive card’ (or some other ‘there is something wrong with you’ rubbish) when you tell him this isn’t something you are comfortable with, tell him to fuck off because then he is revealing himself as a manipulative arsehole.

    Best of luck.


    • Oh, yes!

      This woman is on the fast track to equating reckless abuse of power with dominance. They are NOT the same. She should do some research on what can happen to an uniformed submissive (like myself). God, I was an idiot. He bullied me from email 1 and my own ignorance and desire to please him led me step by step towards a very scary situation.

      A submissive has lots of control, some might even say all of it. It’s like she’s trying to give it all away to someone who hasn’t proven himself one iota!

      I hope to God she prints this post out and carries it around in her purse.

    • @Ferns: “tell him to fuck off” is what I really wanted to say. :)

  5. Hey all, I second all the comments so far! I’ll respond to everything later, but just a quick note for now.

    When I first started writing this, I went off on a whole tangent about “under consideration.” It’s a really strange concept (as it’s labeled and used). I ended going off topic and writing so much, I’m saving it for another post.

    Riveting, I know!

    • I’m riveted! I’m also currently ‘under consideration.’ WHEN WILL I KNOW YOUR OPINION? *stocks up on bread and milk (i.e. vodka)*

      • @Heather: My issue isn’t about people who are sure of themselves and have been around enough to know what’s what. In other words, you wouldn’t be the person the rant is directed at. All the same, my opinion will be known… soon… very soon. Bwhahahahah! (not that it matters all that much, I just like drama and evil laughter) :)

  6. Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

    I get it. I do. Sometimes this can be very hot. Hell, I’ve done this rather recently. Its possible he’s just looking to fulfill his fantasies; it could be a power play, trying to assert his dominance in ways that seem appealing to him.

    But for the first meet? No way.

    Set some boundaries. And for everything good, set up a safe call before meeting him.

    • @SirStompsalot: Boundaries = yes!

      In cases where there’s an experienced dominant and an inexperienced submissive, I really think the onus is on the dominant to set the boundaries in such a way as to ensure the safety of the submissive. So, even if this guy is a total dreamboat — wonderful, kind, knight-in-kinky-armor — he should set the example for the sub so that she knows what proper, good, safe behavior looks like for when she wants to meet the next dominant.

      Also, on safe calls, yes. Yes, but. Safe calls are a good idea, just as long as you know that by the time they’re needed, it’s likely too late to do anything about it. Someone could call to see that you’re safe, but by then, you could be locked in a basement somewhere, or worse.

  7. 1000% agreement with the perspectives above… if he can’t come up with an equally thrilling first meet that doesn’t break a cardinal rule of safety, it is very troubling. Agree with saying no, and seeing if he responds dismissively/defensively… if he does, then end it. Power includes awareness, maturity, empathy, self control, ability to listen, etc…

    • @DC: Exactly. I hate hearing stories where a dominant suggested to a new sub that she/he wasn’t submissive enough, wasn’t serious, didn’t trust, etc. It’s rubbish, manipulative, and generally fucking stupid.

      Besides all of that, it seems like some affected mysteriousness and that stuff annoys me to no end.

  8. Response: If you’re meeting in a public place, and he’s supposed to know who you are by what you’re wearing, get six friends to wear the same outfit just to fuck with his mind a little.

  9. In fact, I’d find it almost irresistible to fuck with this guy’s mind a little. Leave a note in the original meeting place and lead the guy on a scavenger hunt.

    Don’t go, but when he calls, say, “I was right there. Didn’t you see me?”

    Show up early, wait for him to come in and then put 85 flyers printed with fuzzy handcuffs under his windshield wipers.

  10. Thanks & DD & all the very concerned out there…..Im the trainee sub in question& I’ve been very obedient up until now…..My instincts have been screaming at me for a while now, he has been excellent at countering ALL my arguments & has finally come up with the answer that “it is now part of his fantasy to meet me blind, & if not ready will take another in this manner” I’m NOT going through with it, he has just shown how totally manipulative he can be…..& Hyacinth, whilst I’ll not print this out, I’ll never forget the support & reaffirmation of my fears….thank you all, keep up the great work D, love it & your fans……xxx….

    • @b.r.: “My instincts have been screaming at me for a while now”

      I’m REALLY glad to hear this. You’re instincts sound like they’re right on… which means you knew all along. :)

      “has finally come up with the answer that “it is now part of his fantasy to meet me blind, & if not ready will take another in this manner””

      *shudder* That’s super creepy of him. I mean, I understand fantasies… but real people aren’t fantasies. This is just too much to ask, plus, his weird countering and inability to compromise when you’re uncomfortable is gross. I’m SO glad he showed himself to be manipulative sooner than later. :)

      I’m sorry this one didn’t work out, b.r., but you should feel really good about recognizing your instincts and following your gut. :) You will do better! MUCH BETTER! Good riddance to bad rubbish… right? :)

      Best to you!

  11. Oh & don’t worry, I’ve given him the fuck off message in such a way he will think that I’ve fallen on my sword!!! Just sent the email now…. ;)
    Now to find a better one! Lol!!!

    • *laugh* I love this!! Go you!!

      I’m so glad your flags went up enough to ask the question, and thank you so much for coming here and telling us what happened. This makes the nosy-parker in me very happy!

      Good luck finding not just a better one, but the best one EVER!


    • Yay b.r.! Glad to hear it! Hope a better one comes along very soon. :)

  12. Hi. I have been talking to a Dom for about 6 months. We have only spoken on the phone once and have not met him. He says this is part of the way he trains. Is this normal?

 Leave a Reply