Dec 132012
 

psychic pussy predicts the futurepsychic pussy?

clairvoyant cunt?

seeing snatch?

visionary vagina?

I’m convinced my pussy can predict the future. Not only can it predict the future, but my pussy has the power to actually change events to come. My pussy makes things happen.

For example, on a few occasions when J and I have had concrete plans to spend the weekend together, I’ve had my pussy waxed in preparation. As soon as the wax is ripped off, our plans fall apart.

Conversely, on other occasions when I’m absolutely sure we won’t get to see each other, I’ll find myself in the shower, staring down at bush-gone-wild, wondering if I should just trim it up a little. When I decide “Nah… fuck it,” J will arrive on my doorstep a few hours later.

It’s not just my pubic hair that determines the future — it’s the whole damn pussy. Looking back at my calendar, based on my calculations, I’m 53% more likely to be able to see J when I’m on my period. On the days when my period is the absolute worst — when I’m bleeding everywhere, bloated, crampy, and miserable, I’m 67% more likely to see J.

A couple of months ago, I was on a course of antibiotics that wreaked havoc on my vaginal ecosystem to such a degree that it felt like it was on fire. My lady-parts doctor told me to take some other medication and refrain from sexual intercourse for a week. Within twenty-four hours, the stars aligned — I got a assigned a project I could do from home and J got a few days off from his job. We had the rare opportunity to spend a whole week together… but my pussy was completely off limits. So my pussy is not only psychic and all powerful, but it also hates me.

Today, I got further proof that my pussy can, in fact, determine the outcome of the future.

J was supposed to spend the weekend with me. In preparation, I painted my toenails, filed down my fingernails, waxed my legs, trimmed my bush, and took a purely utilitarian bubble bath to exfoliate all the parts of me that can be exfoliated.

I don’t get Brazilian waxes anymore (I don’t get enough action to endure the pain and humiliation every month), and I don’t often shave it all off (four or five days later, it’s a mess of patchy stubble, itchy skin, ugly red bumps, and the beginnings of epic ingrown hairs). But I love the feeling of being totally smooth, so while I was in the bathtub, I thought, “Fuck it! I’m going to see my boyfriend!” and I proceeded to shave it all off. Why the hell not? I don’t get to see J as much as I’d like, and my weekend agenda was going to include lots of activities that require his face and my cunt.

When I was done, I got out of the tub, applied whatever lotions and ointments promise to eliminate razor bumps (although they never do), and threw on my bathrobe.

And then I checked my phone.

J had called and left a message. He has to fly up to Virginia on business this weekend. He’s leaving tomorrow morning.

My pussy has been shaved for naught.

Here’s my prediction: In the middle of next week, just when my pussy is starting to punish me for depilating it so cruelly, just when the painful red bumps develop and alert me of impending ingrown hairs, general ouch, and ugliness, J will call and tell me he’s free for the weekend.

 

  10 Responses to “my pussy predicts the future”

  1. This is a great post, had me chuckling. It reminds me of the fond belief in our house of the power of my wife’s uterus. We have all attributed magic 8-ball/compass/GPS like powers to the thing. Anytime anyone looses anything…we ask her and she is able to find it almost immediately. I have always said that if she were ever had to have a hysterectomy, for some medical reason, the we would request to keep her uterus in a glass jar of formaldehyde so we could still find things. Just spin the jar and follow the direction that the uterus points like a GPS. Never underestimate the power of the female.

    • @Roy: I’ve always believed there is great power in the uterus! Apparently, you’re wife is proof! Uterus = finder of all things!

      I’ve always had that power too, but I never attributed it to my uterus… now I know!

  2. This made me giggle… I think it is also know as ‘Sod’s Law’ although I think I prefer the idea of a predictive pussy, bit like predictive text only you get the irritation a few days after the event!

    Mollyxxx

    Ps… Use tons and tons of lovely thick hair conditioner on your pubes, it is the miracle preventative for in-growing hairs.

    • @Molly: So true! Sod’s Law, Murphy’s Law, Psychic Pussy Law… all of them!

      Thanks for the tip on the conditioner — I’ll give it a try!

  3. LOL! I certainly know that kind of predictive analysis. Wolf and I have had more of our ‘fair share’ of this kind of frustration. Last one was both of us being ill.

    • @Wordwytch: Ug! Sorry to hear it. I’d rather have an itchy kitty than illness any day. I guess my magical pussy could hate me worse–I’m glad it doesn’t!

  4. I think your Pussy is taunting you, messing with your head, just waiting for you to throw that cell phone across the room. (Note that i now think it’s your Pussy that is the Domme… the rest of you is simply submissive to Her.)

    Hope you can still salvage a fun weekend.

    • @DC: My pussy does mess with my head. I used to think I was a slave to my libido, but now it does appear that I’m a slave to the whole damn setup!

      I guess it’s time for me to admit, I am submissive to Pussy. (If only I could engage in pussy worship myself… I’ll keep stretching and let you know how that turns out!)

  5. Dang it! After I waited all year to take a week of vacation this week, my wife is on her period! So you don’t have to feel alone.

    • @Roy: Oh no! That’s the absolute worst. Honestly. I know a good time can be had by all when the lady isn’t on her period, but it could be that much better if she wasn’t (and also, she might not feel very well either). I wish you didn’t have to share my bad timing!

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