Dec 232012
 

In the course of “conversation” (as much as one can have a conversation on Twitter), I disclosed that I’ve been feeling under the weather. I had a pretty high fever for a couple of days, and all the TMI symptoms that accompany it.

When I said I was hopeful I’d be well enough to see J this weekend, one of my Twitter friends responded:

“well if you’re still sick by that time, I’m assuming he’ll pamper and take care of you. :)”

No. This was my response: “No way! I wouldn’t risk making him sick too. If I’m sick, I’ll see him another time.”

And that’s what happened. I felt I might still be contagious, so I canceled our plans to spend the weekend together.

It might be nice to have someone to “pamper and take care” of me (if I could stomach that sort of treatment), but that doesn’t supersede my feelings of responsibility toward my submissive, my responsibility to J.

If I called him, he would be here in a heartbeat (or as long as it would take him to drive the miles to be here). Because I know that, I’m particularly aware of how easy it would be to abuse the faith he’s placed in me to have his best interest at heart. I also know that if I asked him to be here and he ended up sick for a couple of days because of it, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. I get that.

It’s a minor situation that falls under two larger umbrellas of 1) taking care of my property and 2) being the more responsible party in the relationship.

  1. I take care of my things. I take care of my people, my property, my career, and myself. I take care of things that are important to me because I care about them, and because I want them to be here for me in the future. If I didn’t take good care of J, he might not want to be submissive to me (and I have no interest in a submissive who doesn’t want to be submissive to me).
  2. I’m the (more) responsible party in our relationship. This isn’t something I agreed to, nor is it something I wanted, but it’s the situation as it exists. It’s reality. J is far more willing to put himself in danger than I am willing to put him in danger (be it from floggers, blood-loss, or germs). He’s made statements about his willingness to call in sick from work, to skip functions where he’s confirmed his attendance, to allow me (or want me) to do things he had previously indicated as “off limits.”

This is not an aspect of his personality I find endearing. I find it difficult and burdensome. While I appreciate his want to be with me and his want to take more for me, I do not appreciate occasionally being the only one in a position to respect his boundaries and his responsibilities… particularly in situations where I want to crush them.

Some part of me wants him to call in sick or to skip his obligations to stay with me another day. I want to violate so many of his boundaries (because I want to and/or because I can). I want those things and he’s ready and willing to give them to me. But because of his eagerness and because I respect him, I have to be the responsible one who reminds him he can’t call in sick and can’t miss the company Christmas party. I have to be responsible and ignore him when he begs me to do those delicious things on his list of limits… those things I’ve been fantasizing about.

In that regard, I’ll admit that I’m submissive to his well-being and to his long-term happiness and success. Of course, I want what I want, but not at the risk of the person I love and not at the risk of the person it seems I’m responsible for.

I didn’t ask for that responsibility (nor do I want it), but it accompanies the person I love. And so I accept it, and often, that means putting his needs above my wants.

If that makes me less dominant, so be it. I’m okay with that.

 

  18 Responses to “his needs, my wants”

  1. No, it doesn’t make you less dominant. It does however, make you a thoughtful, loving, and kind dominant. Not being like one of those “Evil Ice Queens” that are so often featured in those terrible Femdom porn movies, is a good thing, and it is likely one reason why he offers himself to you so willingly.

    • @Slapshot: Well, I know for sure that it’s a test of my self-control. If you tell someone “don’t eat the cookie,” but then offer it to her over and over and over, you really increase your chance that at some point, she’s going to eat the cookie.

  2. I want to violate so many of his boundaries (because I want to and/or because I can).because of his eagerness and because I respect him, I have to be the responsible one

    Yeah, it’s tough to have to practice self-restraint and to have your hands tied by your own, self-set parameters because you respect the other person, when it would be just as easy to push them to do what you would normally, selfishly want to do, because you care about them. Frustrating, and yet, you wouldn’t respect yourself if you didn’t.

    I don’t think it makes you less dominant. I think it makes you the responsible one, who is cognizant of her responsibilities within the scope of an explicitly consensual, unequal-power relationship. :)

    • @DomDomme: “It makes you the responsible one, who is cognizant of her responsibilities within the scope of an explicitly consensual, unequal-power relationship”

      Yes… but that sucks sometimes! Being responsible is haarrd. *whines*

  3. I don’t think not letting him come comfort and pamper you while you’re sick is a question of dominance at all. Even if it is, the fact that you made the decision, based on reasons of your choosing, certainly doesn’t make you less dominant.

  4. Thank you for this. This post is the answer I wanted from my last tweet.

    Again, thank you for being able to putting this message across. As a submissive, I may never understand why Sir wanted this or that from me although I have already agreed to submit myself. Although both of you are different from each other, it gives me an insight on why he tells me he is concerned about my welfare and that it is for my well being.

    P.S. Having him take care of you, does not make you less of a Domme, so does being submissive to his needs.

    Happy holidays!

    Hopes you are well,
    Luise

    • @Luise: You know, I thought of you while I was writing this — not just because of our discussion, but because if/when/while you agree to submit, I hope that your dominant treats you a million times better than this.

      Yes, submission is a gift, and so is dominance. But, also and more importantly, having someone that you cherish is the biggest gift of all. If someone is given that gift, I hope they take great care to keep it safe, and happy, and healthy.

      Happy holidays to you too, Luise!

      Best!

  5. No way! I wouldn’t risk making him sick too. If I’m sick, I’ll see him another time.

    I read this part and my heart melted!! Awwww. So sweet! You care so much!!!

    Then I got to the meat of your article,

    This isn’t something I agreed to, nor is it something I wanted

    And at first my heart sank. I was thinking, “Oh. Wait. What?”

    But I sat on the thought for an hour and bit my knuckle. DEEP IN THOUGHT.

    Coming out the other side of that, I’m thinking it actually makes you even more endearing.

    You know what has to happen, and you make sure it happens, through thick and thin/good and bad. That is one solid, respectful relationship you have there. I’m jealous!

    *wipes nose on sleeve* nobody here to take care of me!

    • @Andy: I can’t put my finger on why, but it was difficult to admit that I don’t want the sorts of responsibilities I mentioned. I figure I should want to have control of those things, right?

      But I don’t. I really, really don’t. I don’t want those responsibilities, particularly in situations when I know putting someone else’s needs before mine is the right thing to do. I really want to be selfish… but sometimes I can’t.

      “*wipes nose on sleeve* nobody here to take care of me!

      No one here to take care of me either… but still, we soldier on. :)

      *sniffle*

  6. *laugh* Oh god, you are so lovely and I am sooo fucking selfish. HOW CAN WE BE TWINS?!

    I’d be all “Get your arse over here right NOW and pet me and make me soup and give me cuddles and sympathy and cater to my every unreasonable demand!!”

    And I wouldn’t even feel bad about it!

    Ferns

    • @Ferns: We may have to adjust the whole twins hypothesis.

      Here’s what I’m thinking: You know that little angel on your shoulder that tells you the sweet thing to do? That’s me (hello there!), sitting on your shoulder… bumbling around a bit, but with the best intentions.

      That little devil that sits on my shoulder? The one that tells me to do what I want (because ultimately, that’s best for me and what’s best for me is best for both of us)… that’s you. You’re way more slick and confident and fucking hot (great heels, BTW, even though the stiletto tips are digging into my shoulder)… but… but… I have a halo!

      Wait… why are you ignoring me? Hello? Hello! Do you see my pretty halo?

      Ohhhhhh fuuuucck… *falls of Ferns’ shoulder*

  7. I really appreciated this post, no doubt because I agree with it so strongly. Just because you CAN do something, make someone do something that wouldn’t be in their best interests, even if its minor, doesn’t mean you should. I think our role as dominants is to determine what’s best for both people, and what I might like is not the same as what I should ask for.

    • @MsConstance: Thank you for the kind words.

      “Just because you CAN do something, make someone do something that wouldn’t be in their best interests, even if its minor, doesn’t mean you should.”

      Yes to this! Unfortunately, sometimes those things I could make him do, things that aren’t in his best interest, they are things I want. Ah well… such is the burden of responsibility. :)

  8. I love your protective streak! I’m much the same way in that my inclination is always to use my authority to protect, even when I’m protecting him from my own sadistic streak.

    Over the course of our year and a half relationship, my pet has been increasingly open to new experiences and kinks, including things that have always been on his list of limits. I’ve tried to be careful not to be coercive in the development of these interests. It feels like a balancing act – respecting his ability to expand his own genuine interests vs. protecting his well-being and the trust we have between us. I’m slow to take him up on things he offers, but he feels like I trust him when I do.

    I feel like that balancing act is part of my responsibility in the position of authority.

    I’m also learning to tell that inner voice that questions whether something makes me “less dominant” to go fuck itself. But I can relate to the sentiment!

    • @Jalan: Thank you for this! Yes! I often feel as if I’m protecting him from me, and that’s an awfully confused feeling. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has it. :)

      “I’m also learning to tell that inner voice that questions whether something makes me “less dominant” to go fuck itself.”

      Yes to this! Also, sometimes I’m not sure whether that little voice is mine or his. Either way, it can certainly fuck itself. :)

      • @DumbDomme: I can also relate to the sense of protecting Naga from me. Partly that’s the voice of adult-like self-control. Partly, it’s knowing the depths of my own “depravity.” I’ll say this though, the times that I’ve let my inner beast out and Naga has seen it and accepted it – that’s been pretty powerful for me. It makes *me* feel trusted and safe.

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