In the course of “conversation” (as much as one can have a conversation on Twitter), I disclosed that I’ve been feeling under the weather. I had a pretty high fever for a couple of days, and all the TMI symptoms that accompany it.
When I said I was hopeful I’d be well enough to see J this weekend, one of my Twitter friends responded:
“well if you’re still sick by that time, I’m assuming he’ll pamper and take care of you. :)”
No. This was my response: “No way! I wouldn’t risk making him sick too. If I’m sick, I’ll see him another time.”
And that’s what happened. I felt I might still be contagious, so I canceled our plans to spend the weekend together.
It might be nice to have someone to “pamper and take care” of me (if I could stomach that sort of treatment), but that doesn’t supersede my feelings of responsibility toward my submissive, my responsibility to J.
If I called him, he would be here in a heartbeat (or as long as it would take him to drive the miles to be here). Because I know that, I’m particularly aware of how easy it would be to abuse the faith he’s placed in me to have his best interest at heart. I also know that if I asked him to be here and he ended up sick for a couple of days because of it, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. I get that.
It’s a minor situation that falls under two larger umbrellas of 1) taking care of my property and 2) being the more responsible party in the relationship.
- I take care of my things. I take care of my people, my property, my career, and myself. I take care of things that are important to me because I care about them, and because I want them to be here for me in the future. If I didn’t take good care of J, he might not want to be submissive to me (and I have no interest in a submissive who doesn’t want to be submissive to me).
- I’m the (more) responsible party in our relationship. This isn’t something I agreed to, nor is it something I wanted, but it’s the situation as it exists. It’s reality. J is far more willing to put himself in danger than I am willing to put him in danger (be it from floggers, blood-loss, or germs). He’s made statements about his willingness to call in sick from work, to skip functions where he’s confirmed his attendance, to allow me (or want me) to do things he had previously indicated as “off limits.”
This is not an aspect of his personality I find endearing. I find it difficult and burdensome. While I appreciate his want to be with me and his want to take more for me, I do not appreciate occasionally being the only one in a position to respect his boundaries and his responsibilities… particularly in situations where I want to crush them.
Some part of me wants him to call in sick or to skip his obligations to stay with me another day. I want to violate so many of his boundaries (because I want to and/or because I can). I want those things and he’s ready and willing to give them to me. But because of his eagerness and because I respect him, I have to be the responsible one who reminds him he can’t call in sick and can’t miss the company Christmas party. I have to be responsible and ignore him when he begs me to do those delicious things on his list of limits… those things I’ve been fantasizing about.
In that regard, I’ll admit that I’m submissive to his well-being and to his long-term happiness and success. Of course, I want what I want, but not at the risk of the person I love and not at the risk of the person it seems I’m responsible for.
I didn’t ask for that responsibility (nor do I want it), but it accompanies the person I love. And so I accept it, and often, that means putting his needs above my wants.
If that makes me less dominant, so be it. I’m okay with that.