Dec 072012

I’ve never given you a reason to think I don’t care about what you want. Quite the opposite – I’ve encouraged it, even when it seemed to shake your confidence in me (or in whatever it is you think I am).

I’ve said before, and I’ll say again, I want to know what’s going on in your head. Knowing what you want gives me the power to choose between indulging you and denying you. Knowing what you feel makes me more confident in understanding the consequences of my actions and more comfortable in twisting you in the manner of my choosing. Ultimately, it means I’m better able to take what I want from you.

That is what you want, isn’t it?

That’s what I want.

To that end, and in service of that goal (the goal we share), don’t tell me “no” when I ask you for something. Not now. Not ever.

There’s no need for it — “No” is unnecessary. I’ve proven I won’t push you past the limits you outlined, despite your near-constant suggestions that I do. I won’t do it. That’s not what I want.

It’s disrespectful. I’ve never asked for your respect, and I shouldn’t have to. (Not because I’m “dominant.” Fuck that. Anyone who demands respect simply because they say they’re dominant is fucking ridiculous.) I shouldn’t have to ask for it because I’ve only ever acted in ways that earn your respect. For that reason, I assumed I already had it. If you’re unable or unwilling to give me the respect I’ve earned, then we have a problem. We’re well past the need for that discussion. I earned your respect, and you already know that I will work to keep it.

“No” is destructive and hurtful, perhaps more to my role in this dynamic than to yours. Giving you an instruction or asking something of you feels vulnerable in a way I don’t think you understand. Hearing “no” destroys me — it makes me question my worthiness of your respect, your trust, and your love. It makes me question whether I even have those things at all.

“No” has consequences. I don’t mean I’ll punish you or ignore you if you say it. If you tell me “no,” I’ll stop. You have my word on that. But there are other consequences, one of which is that I won’t feel comfortable expressing dominance anymore. (“Care & Feeding: Six Sigma,” Kink in Exile).  If I don’t feel safe and comfortable being dominant, then I won’t be dominant anymore. Neither one of us wants that.

As I always have, I encourage you to make requests and to voice your opinions. You should tell me when you’re uncomfortable with something — I want to know. For my part, I’ll continue to respect your limits, consider your level of comfort, and make sure your needs are being met.

But from this point forward, don’t you dare look me in the eye and tell me “no.” Not like that. Never again.

For more eloquent words than mine on “no”, see Alisa @ Kink in Exile, “Care & Feeding: Six Sigma and Ferns @ Domme Chronicles, “When your submissive says ‘no’”


  16 Responses to “don’t tell me “no””

  1. Ouch! What the hell happened?

    • I told him to bite me hard enough to leave a mark. I wanted more, and I told him it was okay to mark me — I wanted it.

      He refused.

      It wasn’t just the refusal. It was the way he refused — he looked me straight in the eye and said “no.” It was so simple and so not-up-for-debate that it shook me. It was confidence-destroying and anger-inducing… particularly because it was over something so insignificant.

      It was a little thing, and perhaps that’s why his refusal made such an impact.

      Meh. I dunno. I hate it when little things make me angry.

      • Yeah, that woulda kinda killed the mood for me too.

        One time I heard an interview with one of the members of Monty Python, who said that improv only works if all the participants say YES, no matter how ridiculous the setup being handed to them is. “Oh, rabid beavers! I see! Let me get out the rocket launchers!” In otherwords, the key to improv is YES AND — take what someone hands you and add to it. YES BUT or NO just stops the scene.

        In a weird way I think the same thing is at work here. It’s as if the two of you were onstage and you handed him a prompt and he just said, “Yeah, no,” and crossed his arms, just leaving you hanging there.

        At some level, people have to be able to say “No,” of course. But I think it’s worth saying, “You know, if you just give me a flat ‘No’ during a scene, it’s just going to deflate the confidence I need to actually BE dominant, and I’m probably going to call a halt to the scene.” That way, he’s making a choice: “Is this worth stopping the scene over?”

        Maybe it’s also worth adding some finesse to in-scene Nos. I remember hearing Mollena talk about being at a household where she was not allowed to use the actual word “No.” But there was a menu of alternatives: “Yes, sir,” (Sure!) “If you wish, sir,” (Wellllll…okay, but only because you’re the dom around here), and “Only if you wish, sir,” (You prolly better ask me why I really and for truly hate doing what you just asked for).

        • We need some sort of an “Everything I learned, I learned from from Monty Python” poster (Do I feel an infographic coming on?)

          The Mollena talk thing is actually my preference. I’m can deal with variations of “no,” — “I don’t feel comfortable,” “I don’t want to…” etc., but a flat out “no” doesn’t sit well with me.

          If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my work at the Ministry of Silly Walks.

    • I ran into this once with Darksoul. We weren’t D/s but our personalities and our relationship dynamic was very close to what people refer to her as being a vanilla Dominant I guess.

      “I told him to bite me hard enough to leave a mark.” In his situation, I am not sure if his no was sparked by leaving a mark on you or the level of pain he would have had to use to cause that mark. For me, I had the conflict of not wanting to tell her no and not mentally and emotionally able to perform what she was telling me to do either and too conflicted by the demand to move in any direction, much less try to utter an explanation.

      I know that probably makes no sense.


  2. “no” is a weak word.
    “no” is a looser
    Never say “no”…… because you will lose control when you say it.

    It sets a limit. It makes a boundary He or She who says “no” just asks to be smacked down. “no” is a surrender word from people without power.

    When someone says “no” to you, you have power over them. You may not know just how yet, but you know where to look.

    Calm down, take a breath…. and look.

    Love your blog


    • @BT: Fuck! Oh, how I appreciate your words!

      But still, I disagree. “No” isn’t a weak word — it’s so powerful to the one who hears it, assuming that person cares.

      “It sets a limit. It makes a boundary He or She who says “no” just asks to be smacked down.”

      You’re absolutely right that it sets a limit. But I’m not so sure about the “asks to be smacked down.” I won’t do it. I won’t force him, nor will I pressure him to do things he doesn’t want to do. He’s supposed to want what I want. When he doesn’t do (or want) what I want, it doesn’t give me any power, it only makes me less comfortable being myself and less comfortable in demanding what I want.

      It’s not that I want the power to supersede his wants with my own. It’s more that I want the power of his wanting what I want.

      All the same, your words are thought provoking. I guess I wonder whether he’s pushing me to assert more “dominance” (perhaps in some stereotypical, pornographied sort of way). If he harbors some fantasy that I’ll overstep his limits or violate his consent, he’ll be sorely disappointed.

  3. Ugh, that’s tough. I really hope it’s just a one-time thing. You two seem to have such a good thing going.

    I’ll add that I would be hesitant to bite hard enough to leave a mark. Inflicting pain makes me terribly uncomfortable. I think I could do it with assurance it was what my partner wanted, but it really wouldn’t be easy for me. Then again, I don’t suppose it’s about what is easy.

    • @Neo: So far, it has been a one time thing. It wasn’t a blow up argument or anything — just something we had to discuss. I’m not sure he understood how much it bothered me. Let’s hope he understands now.

      We do have a good thing going, except when it’s not good, and then we figure out what it takes to make it good again. :)

  4. Damn. Just DAMN.

    I agree with you. “No” is a very powerful word and it affects the comfort level of the dynamic. It also feels like a kick in the gut and that sucks ass. Not in a good way either.

  5. I personally think that in certain situations such as that, you can see the power exchange between both the submissive and Dominant.

    I have to agree that “No” is such a powerful word. Doesn’t matter who utters “No”, it stops everything. I have never reflected or saw the word in such a way. Thank you for opening my eyes to it. Although you and Sir are different, it gives me an idea on how he probably thinks when I refuse.

    Thank you D.

    • @Agatha: I’m glad my rant has given you pause to think about “no,” but I hope you don’t read too much into it.

      I’m responsible, almost too responsible with J. I’m responsible and cautious to the point I often fear I’m ineffectual. It’s okay — I don’t mind — I’d rather be ineffectual than risk hurting someone I love. The risk is mine, though, not “risk” that any/all dominants take — I’m clumsy, inexperienced, and uncertain. I don’t like those things about myself, but they’re true. Certainly, they don’t apply to all “d” type partners. I envy the command and confidence of other dominants — I don’t have it.

      So, yes! I think it’s absolutely healthy to consider the implications of refusal, but also, make sure to think about who you are and who your sir is within your dynamic and your relationship. Hopefully, he’s far more confident and experienced than I!

  6. I know this conversation is over, but I have found myself stuck in your blog and unable to extricate myself from it, so I guess I will just comment on everything I feel I need to, no matter how old it is!

    Your reasoning behind not wanting J to tell you no is fully justified and reasonable to me. It IS a hurtful word in a relationship (especially a D/s one) when there are so many other ways of letting someone know that you are uncomfortable in a situation. <—hey, that's a good one right there! "I'm uncomfortable with what you are wanting from me right now." Of course, from the sub's point of view (mine! :-) ), sometimes it is hard to say something like that because you want so desperately to give your Dom/Domme what he/she wants from you, no matter how hard it is or what the consequences. But, for me, it is MUCH easier to say something like that than to come out and say "no" to my BD. I can't imagine telling him "no" about anything he wants or requests from me. That is where the trust comes in that has to be so much a part of these relationships. "No" is a hurtful, undermining, and destructive word….You and I were just talking about "positive connotations" in the comments of another post (although in those comments, we were talking lightheartedly about it), and the same applies here, in my opinion.

    Okay, now that that seriousness is out of the way and I feel better about it….

    "But from this point forward, don’t you dare look me in the eye and tell me “no.” Not like that. Never again."

    Again, with the hotness! You sure do make an awesome Domme!!!

    • @Cassaundra: “but I have found myself stuck in your blog and unable to extricate myself from it, so I guess I will just comment on everything I feel I need to, no matter how old it is!”

      Yay! I’ve made you inextricable! Consider yourself extricken by my powers! (yeah, I made up a word there, didn’t I?)

      ” “No” is a hurtful, undermining, and destructive word….You and I were just talking about “positive connotations” in the comments of another post (although in those comments, we were talking lightheartedly about it), and the same applies here, in my opinion”

      It is oddly hurtful. It’s not something I ever imagined would hurt until I heard it that way. And you’re 100% right, that tone and positivity have a lot to do with it–in explaining the thing, you can either make it better or make it much, much worse.

      “Again, with the hotness! You sure do make an awesome Domme!!!”

      Ha! Thank you. I try, but I assure you, I come off much better in print than I do in person.

      *skips away* *trips*

      • Inextricable? extricken? Okay, I thought BOTH of those were made up, but when I typed the first one I didn’t get a red line under it, so I guess it really IS a word! LOL! Way to go, D! Expanding my vocabulary!!! Thanks! :-)

        LOL @ the tripping….you make me giggle!

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