I’ve never given you a reason to think I don’t care about what you want. Quite the opposite – I’ve encouraged it, even when it seemed to shake your confidence in me (or in whatever it is you think I am).
I’ve said before, and I’ll say again, I want to know what’s going on in your head. Knowing what you want gives me the power to choose between indulging you and denying you. Knowing what you feel makes me more confident in understanding the consequences of my actions and more comfortable in twisting you in the manner of my choosing. Ultimately, it means I’m better able to take what I want from you.
That is what you want, isn’t it?
That’s what I want.
To that end, and in service of that goal (the goal we share), don’t tell me “no” when I ask you for something. Not now. Not ever.
There’s no need for it — “No” is unnecessary. I’ve proven I won’t push you past the limits you outlined, despite your near-constant suggestions that I do. I won’t do it. That’s not what I want.
It’s disrespectful. I’ve never asked for your respect, and I shouldn’t have to. (Not because I’m “dominant.” Fuck that. Anyone who demands respect simply because they say they’re dominant is fucking ridiculous.) I shouldn’t have to ask for it because I’ve only ever acted in ways that earn your respect. For that reason, I assumed I already had it. If you’re unable or unwilling to give me the respect I’ve earned, then we have a problem. We’re well past the need for that discussion. I earned your respect, and you already know that I will work to keep it.
“No” is destructive and hurtful, perhaps more to my role in this dynamic than to yours. Giving you an instruction or asking something of you feels vulnerable in a way I don’t think you understand. Hearing “no” destroys me — it makes me question my worthiness of your respect, your trust, and your love. It makes me question whether I even have those things at all.
“No” has consequences. I don’t mean I’ll punish you or ignore you if you say it. If you tell me “no,” I’ll stop. You have my word on that. But there are other consequences, one of which is that I won’t feel comfortable expressing dominance anymore. (“Care & Feeding: Six Sigma,” Kink in Exile). If I don’t feel safe and comfortable being dominant, then I won’t be dominant anymore. Neither one of us wants that.
As I always have, I encourage you to make requests and to voice your opinions. You should tell me when you’re uncomfortable with something — I want to know. For my part, I’ll continue to respect your limits, consider your level of comfort, and make sure your needs are being met.
But from this point forward, don’t you dare look me in the eye and tell me “no.” Not like that. Never again.