When we first started dating, J identified as a submissive… but he also said he had been a “reluctant switch” in the past.
When I asked about his experiences topping, his responses were vague. While he indicated he was an effective top and could be pushed into being “wickedly sadistic,” he offered few details.
I didn’t press him, in part because asking for information about his past puts us both in an un-winnable situation. As curious as I am, I’ve told him I don’t want him to volunteer details about his past relationships because I know myself — I’m jealous and insecure about his past lovers. Some part of me wants to know, but I also realize I probably won’t handle the information well.
With that said, his history of topping (of actual topping, not topping from the bottom) hasn’t been much of an issue. I had all but forgotten about it until a few nights ago.
I sat on his lap and toyed with his cock while he kissed my neck. When his lips were at my earlobe, I told him to bite down.
“Bite… Come on… bite me.”
He bit harder… and I liked it.
I don’t like pain for the sake of pain, but I do like the little jolt of adrenaline, and I fucking love making him do things he doesn’t want to do. It’s rare that I ask him to do things he’s unwilling to do, in large part because I’m not comfortable when there’s much risk to him. But in situations like that, where there’s no physical risk to him and the stakes are very low (it’s just my earlobe — it’s not like I asked him to strike me or choke me out), I imagined there was very little risk in asking him to hurt me, and I certainly didn’t anticipate my request would pose a threat to his feelings of submissiveness toward me.
I pushed him to bite harder, and at some point, he pulled away.
Half-smiling and half-teasing, I called him a pussy… for not clamping down harder… for not drawing blood.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Ma’am.”
I smiled and didn’t press him further (because I don’t really like pain anyway). We continued on with our evening — it was lovely and sweet and hot and all that I want from a submissive who has given me his undivided attention.
J went home the next day — both of us all smiles and warmth and love.
I emailed to thank him for being such a good boy, and I counted that moment as (surprisingly) one of the hottest of the evening. I also explained exactly what I’ve said here, and a little more:
“I don’t like pain for it’s own sake, but it’s fucking hot when you obey… when you do things you aren’t eager to do. Besides that, I like having a little reminder of you. Every time I tuck my hair behind my ear, I feel that little soreness. I think of sitting on your lap with your cock in my hand and your lips at my neck… it makes me think of you.”
I didn’t expect his response. Among other things (sweet things), he offered me a warning:
“You will do as you please, of course, and this is how it should be. But I’ll just mention one thing: you might want to be careful in pushing me to do things you think I wont like. I’m not a top by nature, but I’m a wicked sadist when offered the opportunity.”
The first time I read it, I laughed. The second time I read it, I got annoyed. I was annoyed at his response to what I thought was a throw-away recounting of a hot moment. I was annoyed at his lack of clarity. More than any of that, I was annoyed by the myriad ways I could read that as a threat, and ultimately, as an effort to control my actions.
What was the caution, exactly? Was I supposed to be careful because he might hurt me? Should I be careful because he might end up wanting to hurt me?
I suspect it’s a little power play on his part — his warning implicitly “reminds” me to maintain his version/vision of dominance, the interpretation of dominance he enjoys. I suspect he fears I might like being hurt or might like handing over some measure of control, and he fears it might shift the dynamic.
J likes things the way things are — and so I read his “warning” as him being selfish and manipulative (whether he knows it or not). I suspect it’s just J’s tendency to top from the bottom coming through.
And it’s fine. I’m not dismissing his “warning.” I heard it loud and clear.
I’ve considered it, and I can handle it. J is going to have to learn to like my/our reality. At the least, he’s going to have to accept it.
If I want him to hurt me, I’ll make it clear. If I want him to draw blood, I’ll tell him so.
Perhaps, rather than suggesting how it might make me less dominant, he should consider how his reluctance and disobedience might make him less submissive. While I’m not that interested in stereotypically defining our roles, perhaps he is.
We’ll work with that… or we won’t.
I give direction.
It’s his decision as to whether he wants to follow my direction or not.