Dec 282012

When we first started dating, J identified as a submissive… but he also said he had been a “reluctant switch” in the past.

When I asked about his experiences topping, his responses were vague. While he indicated he was an effective top and could be pushed into being “wickedly sadistic,” he offered few details.

I didn’t press him, in part because asking for information about his past puts us both in an un-winnable situation. As curious as I am, I’ve told him I don’t want him to volunteer details about his past relationships because I know myself — I’m jealous and insecure about his past lovers. Some part of me wants to know, but I also realize I probably won’t handle the information well.

With that said, his history of topping (of actual topping, not topping from the bottom) hasn’t been much of an issue. I had all but forgotten about it until a few nights ago.

I sat on his lap and toyed with his cock while he kissed my neck. When his lips were at my earlobe, I told him to bite down.

“Bite… Come on… bite me.”

He did.

“Bite harder.”

He did.


He bit harder… and I liked it.

I don’t like pain for the sake of pain, but I do like the little jolt of adrenaline, and I fucking love making him do things he doesn’t want to do. It’s rare that I ask him to do things he’s unwilling to do, in large part because I’m not comfortable when there’s much risk to him. But in situations like that, where there’s no physical risk to him and the stakes are very low (it’s just my earlobe — it’s not like I asked him to strike me or choke me out), I imagined there was very little risk in asking him to hurt me, and I certainly didn’t anticipate my request would pose a threat to his feelings of submissiveness toward me.

I pushed him to bite harder, and at some point, he pulled away.

Half-smiling and half-teasing, I called him a pussy… for not clamping down harder… for not drawing blood.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Ma’am.”

I smiled and didn’t press him further (because I don’t really like pain anyway). We continued on with our evening — it was lovely and sweet and hot and all that I want from a submissive who has given me his undivided attention.

J went home the next day — both of us all smiles and warmth and love.

I emailed to thank him for being such a good boy, and I counted that moment as (surprisingly) one of the hottest of the evening. I also explained exactly what I’ve said here, and a little more:

“I don’t like pain for it’s own sake, but it’s fucking hot when you obey… when you do things you aren’t eager to do. Besides that, I like having a little reminder of you. Every time I tuck my hair behind my ear, I feel that little soreness. I think of sitting on your lap with your cock in my hand and your lips at my neck… it makes me think of you.”

I didn’t expect his response. Among other things (sweet things), he offered me a warning:

“You will do as you please, of course, and this is how it should be. But I’ll just mention one thing: you might want to be careful in pushing me to do things you think I wont like. I’m not a top by nature, but I’m a wicked sadist when offered the opportunity.”

The first time I read it, I laughed. The second time I read it, I got annoyed. I was annoyed at his response to what I thought was a throw-away recounting of a hot moment. I was annoyed at his lack of clarity. More than any of that, I was annoyed by the myriad ways I could read that as a threat, and ultimately, as an effort to control my actions.

What was the caution, exactly? Was I supposed to be careful because he might hurt me? Should I be careful because he might end up wanting to hurt me?

I suspect it’s a little power play on his part — his warning implicitly “reminds” me to maintain his version/vision of dominance, the interpretation of dominance he enjoys. I suspect he fears I might like being hurt or might like handing over some measure of control, and he fears it might shift the dynamic.

J likes things the way things are — and so I read his “warning” as him being selfish and manipulative (whether he knows it or not). I suspect it’s just J’s tendency to top from the bottom coming through.

And it’s fine. I’m not dismissing his “warning.” I heard it loud and clear.

I’ve considered it, and I can handle it. J is going to have to learn to like my/our reality. At the least, he’s going to have to accept it.

If I want him to hurt me, I’ll make it clear. If I want him to draw blood, I’ll tell him so.

Perhaps, rather than suggesting how it might make me less dominant, he should consider how his reluctance and disobedience might make him less submissive. While I’m not that interested in stereotypically defining our roles, perhaps he is.

We’ll work with that… or we won’t.

I give direction.

It’s his decision as to whether he wants to follow my direction or not.


  13 Responses to “bite me”

  1. I appreciated reading this perspective. Jalan is both sadist and masochist; I am neither. She does sometimes require me to top her, but has not asked for heavier play to date — that would be very difficult for me.

    She’s all about the control, and secondarily about the play. For me, I’d probably say the same, with control just edging out bondage play. But anything that smacks of undermining her dominance, she reacts negatively to, as you describe. For an example from another domain, I’m currently the wage-earner, and she’s the decider. But I’m also the keeper of budgets and spreadsheets, as that’s a strength for me, and not for her. It took quite a lot of time and thought to figure out a system for discretionary income that didn’t smack of my giving her an allowance.

    I don’t know if I really have a point, but that’s the reaction this entry sparked! What you describe from J would not be received well from me, either, thought the details would differ.

    • @Naga: “I’m also the keeper of budgets and spreadsheets, as that’s a strength for me, and not for her. It took quite a lot of time and thought to figure out a system for discretionary income that didn’t smack of my giving her an allowance.”

      Interesting situation! If you don’t mind sharing, I’d be curious to hear what sort of situation worked for you. While that’s not the situation for us, it’s interesting to hear how other couples deal with the various D/s issues they face.

      “But anything that smacks of undermining her dominance, she reacts negatively to, as you describe.”

      It was interesting to me that I thought it was a sort of meaningless event, but when J followed up, it became clear it was a bit more than that. While undermining dominance does tick me off, it was the way he worded it that really got under my skin — it came off as a sort of “don’t unleash the beast” sort of thing with an implicit warning that “if you do this, it will be your own fault.”

      Thanks for the comment, Naga. I always enjoy hearing other perspectives on similar issues.

      Best to you and Jalan!

      • Sorry for the delay: Spam filters FTW!

        As far as the budgeting goes, here’s what we came up with (not all of it is in place yet, because we’ve been traveling). The context is that I have a pretty good salary and some side income, but we also have some substantial expenses and debts. Only recently have we started being in the black month-to-month. Other context is that she gets very anxious when she has to deal with the big-picture numbers too often, and I view spreadsheets as toys (though I’m only allowed to update the main spreadsheets twice/month, with paydays, to keep curbs on how much time I spend staring at the same numbers).

        * We have a joint account, and she has a separate one at the same institution. They’re linked so that we can transfer funds freely between them online, but I can’t see her balance or register.

        * We have a standing amount per month for “GGDM” — gas, groceries, dining, and miscellaneous — that we can both draw on for these things. She also grants me a standard allotment per week that I can spend as mad money, with limits (I have a history of impulsive spending problems, thanks in part to the bipolar). She can, of course, change these amounts when updating.

        * At the 1st of each month, I summarize for her the past-month’s spending and what money we have available, with detailed projections for what’s going to be surplus after known expenses through the month, including GGDM and my allowance. I also do best guesses for the quarter. There are some uncertainties in my side income and some calendar effects, and there are always surprise expenses, so this is approximate.

        * After we go over that summary, she tells me how much of any surplus she wants me to put to liquid savings or paying down our debt, and how much I am to transfer to her account and put out of my mind.

        * I also give her a small interim update weekly, just so she knows how we’re tracking on GGDM and anything that’s come up.


        And yeah, “warning her” would not go well for us, either! I am under a strong transparency rule, but the result is that I *inform* her of what I’m feeling and how my emotions are, but the *decisions* are always hers!

        • @Naga: Thank you for this! This is really brilliant, and it helps, too, to know that it’s a method that you arrived at after some trial and error. Have you done a blog post on this? While I’m not in a similar living/financial situation, lots of people in D/s relationships are and struggle with the very same issues you seemed to have figured out. You should post on this — I’m sure it would help a lot of people out!

          Great stuff!

          • Glad you appreciated. And blogging about is a good idea. We’ve been dealing with a challenging situation at home for several weeks, and blogging has fallen by the wayside, so I particularly appreciate the prompt!

  2. Very interesting post… the “warning” from him could come under communication guidelines, but you know him best. I wonder why it makes him uncomfortable to explore his sadistic side at your direction?

    • @Kitty: “the “warning” from him could come under communication guidelines”

      I’m not sure what you mean — do you mean our own communication guidelines? I hadn’t thought of that until you mentioned it. One of our “rules” is this: “If something is wrong, if you have a question or a concern, if you need something I’m not giving you, or if you’re angry or upset with me for whatever reason, you need to let me know immediately, regardless of what you think my reaction will be…”

      So, yes! It could be him following the guidelines by letting me know it made him uncomfortable. But, what do you make of the additional “warnings”? I’d be very interested to hear your thoughts on this.

  3. Such an interesting post! Being a closet masochist, it’s near and dear to my heart. I’ve been in your shoes -asking a sub to hurt me who doesn’t really want to hurt me but wants to obey and please me. But I’m also a sadist and understand the rush you get from the control of hurting someone that wants it. It’s definitely a tricky area for you both but it sounds like you’re able to talk about it, which is awesome. I think you’re wise to heed his warning but this could still be a fun area for you to explore cautiously.

    • @Lilyana: “I think you’re wise to heed his warning”

      You’re 100% right, and I do. Perhaps it’s just the phrasing that bothered me (I’m prone to reading too much into things). It just seemed as if he was saying that he might end up enjoying hurting me. While neither one of us can dictate what he feels, the idea that he could enjoy being sadistic with me and the idea he might be “good” at it hurts my feelings a bit.

      Oh, the irony is not lost on me.

  4. This might be a really good time to review the concept of “service top” for you both. Why? Because I read in his message that he is telling you that he will enjoy being sadistic. Not that he will enjoy pleasing you. And that’s really the difference between topping and service topping.

    If you truly believe that you want him to top you, then you are opening the door to unleashing his dom side. Swtiching. Both of you. I don’t get the impression that is what you desire. I think you want him to follow your direction, to please you, to service top you–for your pleasure only.

    The fact that he can express his concerns to you is so excellent. Why drag in a feeling of having your dominance “undermined”? This is good communication on his part. Why not follow through later. Not by pushing his limits, but by retraining him first in how to service top. He doesn’t know how.

    It’s not about positions,tools and techniques–it’s an attitude of service,duty, your pleasure with a serious commitment to obedience. Train him to bite something other than you. Sse your crop to change his positions, nudge him, physically’verbally dominate him while he is practicing. Neuro links between your direction and his actions in biting will be made. When you next try him on your earlobe, he is more likely to bring up the reactions he had in practice, than to inflame his own sadistic side.

    Hope this finds you happy and looking forward to a Bright New Year.
    Hugs from MistressRaffi xo

    • @Raffi: “difference between topping and service topping.”

      We’ve had our struggles with his topping from the bottom, my service topping, etc.

      “If you truly believe that you want him to top you […] Swtiching. Both of you. I don’t get the impression that is what you desire”

      You’re absolutely right. I don’t want that. I don’t want to switch, and I’m fairly sure I don’t want him to service top. I had considered it, but ultimately decided against it.

      I’m a little surprised that asking him to bite my ear suggested I wanted him to service top. Perhaps it signaled the same to him, so thanks for the thought.

      “The fact that he can express his concerns to you is so excellent.”

      You’re right on this. I do value his honesty and willingness to express his thoughts above the way in which he does it. It’s important to remember that, and thanks for the reminder. :)

      “Hope this finds you happy and looking forward to a Bright New Year.”

      Thank you! I am happy, and looking forward to whatever tomorrow brings. Best wishes to you in the new year!

  5. I see your point in interpreting his message. “You will do as you please,… But…”.

    Chopping things down to the core of the communication it looks like an exception being placed upon your dominance. And one of the things I have seen confirmed from reading your site is how a sub is a sub by choice. Your intuition that it is topping from the bottom coming through can been seen in that comment. Maybe he isn’t as reluctant as he thinks he is…none of us really know ourselves as well as we think we do.

    • @Roy: “I see your point in interpreting his message.”

      Thank you. I know I read too much into things, but sometimes I fear I’ve really left reality. :)

      “our intuition that it is topping from the bottom coming through can been seen in that comment. Maybe he isn’t as reluctant as he thinks he is…none of us really know ourselves as well as we think we do.”

      Good point. It echoes what Raffi Raffi said about appreciating that he’s willing to express himself. And you’re right… we can’t really know how we’ll react until we’re in the situation.

      Thanks for your thoughts on this.

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