I haven’t been very good about updating the orgasm project. It’s not that I’m keeping anything a secret, it’s just that I would feel stupid running out of the bedroom to blog about an orgasm. I had an orgasm! Alert the internets!
Anyway, here’s the update.
The first orgasm with boy wasn’t a fluke–there have been two or three more since then. (Yay!) Of course, orgasms feel good, but more importantly, the experience of having one with my partner is intimate and personal and it’s something I really wanted to share with him. (How fucking emo is that?)
I’m happy about orgasms, and sharing, and I’m happy that I’m learning more about myself, my partner, and how we operate physically and mentally. This isn’t exactly breaking news, but I’m still coming to understand that I have a complicated relationship with oral sex, orgasm, and dominance. They’re all strangely connected (and disconnected) for me in ways I’m still trying to figure out and negotiate.
As of now, my biggest dissonance is with the way in which I’m able to reach orgasm with my partner and the mind-fuck that comes with it. It seems my orgasm and my feeling dominant are mutually exclusive–I can have one or the other, but not both (at least, not at the same time).
I’ve tried to “take” an orgasm–demanding an orgasm and violently fucking J’s face until I get one is so fucking hot–but it just doesn’t get me there. The truth is this: I’m shit at facilitating my own orgasm by way of his face. I’m just not good at it. I’m too stuck in my own head.
To have an orgasm, I have to give up some measure of control and I have to be passive. Giving up control, being passive, and being dominant do not coexist in my brain. I’m sure more confident, more experienced, and less uptight women can be dominant, passive, and give up some control all at the same time. But I can’t. Besides that, it kinda fucks with my head in a way I don’t enjoy.
To me, being passive and being “given” an orgasm feels needy and weak. It feels like I’m subject to a physical need and that need is subject to him. Lying there and letting him go doesn’t feel “rawr”–it feels kinda small and helpless. While I like the orgasm, I don’t like the headspace that accompanies it, and honestly, sometimes I’m not sure if the tradeoff is worth it.