Nov 172012
 

I haven’t been very good about updating the orgasm project. It’s not that I’m keeping anything a secret, it’s just that I would feel stupid running out of the bedroom to blog about an orgasm. I had an orgasm! Alert the internets!

Anyway, here’s the update.

The first orgasm with boy wasn’t a fluke–there have been two or three more since then. (Yay!) Of course, orgasms feel good, but more importantly, the experience of having one with my partner is intimate and personal and it’s something I really wanted to share with him. (How fucking emo is that?)

I’m happy about orgasms, and sharing, and I’m happy that I’m learning more about myself, my partner, and how we operate physically and mentally. This isn’t exactly breaking news, but I’m still coming to understand that I have a complicated relationship with oral sex, orgasm, and dominance. They’re all strangely connected (and disconnected) for me in ways I’m still trying to figure out and negotiate.

As of now, my biggest dissonance is with the way in which I’m able to reach orgasm with my partner and the mind-fuck that comes with it. It seems my orgasm and my feeling dominant are mutually exclusive–I can have one or the other, but not both (at least, not at the same time).

I’ve tried to “take” an orgasm–demanding an orgasm and violently fucking J’s face until I get one is so fucking hot–but it just doesn’t get me there. The truth is this: I’m shit at facilitating my own orgasm by way of his face. I’m just not good at it. I’m too stuck in my own head.

To have an orgasm, I have to give up some measure of control and I have to be passive. Giving up control, being passive, and being dominant do not coexist in my brain. I’m sure more confident, more experienced, and less uptight women can be dominant, passive, and give up some control all at the same time. But I can’t. Besides that, it kinda fucks with my head in a way I don’t enjoy.

To me, being passive and being “given” an orgasm feels needy and weak. It feels like I’m subject to a physical need and that need is subject to him. Lying there and letting him go doesn’t feel “rawr”–it feels kinda small and helpless. While I like the orgasm, I don’t like the headspace that accompanies it, and honestly, sometimes I’m not sure if the tradeoff is worth it.

 

  12 Responses to “orgasm project update”

  1. This seems more like venting than a call for advice, but I’m still going to share what I think about it. You can either try to reconcile orgasms with feeling dominant, or you can live with them being mutually exclusive for you. To me, the former sounds much better than the latter. How you can do that, I don’t know. Maybe it’s a matter of how you look at it. Dominance doesn’t have to be all “rawr,” after all. Maybe you could look at it as when J is bringing you to orgasm, he’s doing it because you demanded it of him, and it’s something where he has to do all the work. Sure, he might enjoy it and probably does, but that’s not why he’s doing it. He’s doing it because you said so, and you’re the boss.

    That’s my two cents, but really, I know fuck-all about being dominant or a woman, so I could be full of shit.

    • @Neo: I don’t mind advice or other perspectives!

      “You can either try to reconcile orgasms with feeling dominant, or you can live with them being mutually exclusive for you.”

      I’m trying to do both–a little of one, a little of the other.

      “Maybe it’s a matter of how you look at it. Dominance doesn’t have to be all “rawr,” after all.”

      Yes! I totally agree with you here. But, my issue is one of those perspective things. While I know dominance isn’t all “rawr” (nor should it be), it’s hard for me to take rawr-free pleasure without losing whatever dominant headspace I have. I can give rawr-free pleasure, I can give rawr-free help, comfort, and love, and I can take rawr-free kindness, but not when it comes to this particular issue. I’m not sure why that’s broken in my head, but it is.

      “you could look at it as when J is bringing you to orgasm, he’s doing it because you demanded it of him, and it’s something where he has to do all the work. Sure, he might enjoy it and probably does, but that’s not why he’s doing it. He’s doing it because you said so, and you’re the boss.”

      I do love this idea, but I can’t do it. Because my orgasms are hard-worked-for, and few and far between, I can’t “demand” an orgasm. I like pushing J, and I like demanding things of him when I know he can do it, but I can’t demand something I’m not sure I’ll get, particularly when it isn’t his fault. In other words, if I demanded an orgasm and it didn’t happen, he’d feel reponsible or feel like he failed. I like him way too much to set him up for failure. Besides that, demanding orgasm makes orgasm the goal, and that’s something I’m trying to free us of so that I can just enjoy myself without all the pressure.

      “That’s my two cents, but really, I know fuck-all about being dominant or a woman, so I could be full of shit.”

      I appreciate your two cents! Besides that, I’m not sure I know all that much about being dominant either. The woman-thing, I got that down though. :)

      • Yeah, I can appreciate not wanting to set J up to fail. I know I wouldn’t want to be given a task that I could do a great job of and not meet the goal. Good luck sorting everything out.

        • “I know I wouldn’t want to be given a task that I could do a great job of and not meet the goal.”

          Exactly!

          And thanks for the good luck… I need it. I’m sure you’ll be able to read all about my continued issues in FAR too much detail… same Dumb time, same Dumb place. :)

          Stay tuned!

  2. Laying down? Why not receive oral standing up against the wall with him kneeling in front of you? Paying homage to his queen? Worshiping at the throne of his goddess?

    • @kw: I do take oral service standing up, on his face, on the table, in the car… you get my drift. :) I enjoy more “active” positions, in part because it does make me feel *rawr*. However, I don’t orgasm in those positions. It just doesn’t happen.

      And for the record, I’m not sure I’d call my pussy a “throne.” Isn’t a throne something you sit on? If he ever sits on my pussy, then we’re going to have a good long talk about “doin’ it right.” :)

      Worshipping? You’re doin’ it wrong!

  3. Hi, Dd,

    This is way off topic, and i feel kind of like i’m stammering… but um, i nominated you for the Liebster Award, which is one of those bloggers awards we give each other that helps us get to know new people and recognize people whose blogs we think highly of.

    Anyhow, it comes with rules for accepting it, and you can find them, as well as your nomination here:

    http://beingaisha.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/the-liebster-award/

    And whether or not you accept the award, i love your blog!

    aisha

    • @aisha: Thank you so much! I’m flattered that you nominated me and very happy to be included in such a great list! You have a couple of blogs that I haven’t checked out yet, but I’ll be sure to give them a read!

      Thanks again! *blush*

  4. But… his job IS to give you an orgasm. You aren’t being needy and weak- you are receiving service, and receiving service that he really, really likes to give you, at that.

    Are you just generally not good at receiving service?

    • “But… his job IS to give you an orgasm.”

      No. I don’t see it that way. His job isn’t to give me an orgasm; his job is to be submissive. Giving me an orgasm if and when I want one can be an act of submission, but it’s only a small part of his submission… and even then, it’s only if and when I want.

      “Are you just generally not good at receiving service?”

      I’m fine with receiving service, but this situation is different. It really does feel as if I’d be setting him up for failure (or setting him up to feel like a failure) for two reasons, 1) it’s really really hard to get me to orgasm, and 2) it’s not in his control.

      My not having an orgasm is not for his lack of trying and certainly not for his lack of skill. :) (He’s fucking brilliant with his mouth.) If I demand an orgasm and don’t have one, he’s going to feel as if he failed me, and that’s not the case at all. It’s not his failure–it just doesn’t happen and there’s nothing he can do about it.

      It feels as if I’d be demanding that he win the lottery. :)

      “You aren’t being needy and weak- you are receiving service,”

      I know that, but knowing it and feeling it are two different things. So far, I haven’t been able to reprogram my brain to have it feel like anything other than needy and weak.

      And for the record, it’s not oral sex that makes me feel weak, it’s orgasm and the physical and mental positioning that it takes to get me there.

      How’s that for confusing (and picky!)

  5. “To me, being passive and being “given” an orgasm feels needy and weak. It feels like I’m subject to a physical need and that need is subject to him. Lying there and letting him go doesn’t feel “rawr”–it feels kinda small and helpless. While I like the orgasm, I don’t like the headspace that accompanies it, and honestly, sometimes I’m not sure if the tradeoff is worth it.”

    So. We’ve tried a couple times the last week for him to give me an orgasm. That ^ was exactly where I ended up. So, yeah. I get it now. And I don’t like it. (For the record, it worked the first time, but it took forrrreeeeveerrr. Didn’t work the second time.) I just feel all… out of control. I think, “come on, make this happen, give it to me,” and I don’t like it. But I can’t take it. I don’t like the “this is out of my hands” feeling. I didn’t have that feeling with anyone ever before, but I never had a sub before, either. We were equals in the bedroom; it was just a given that I’d get mine, then he’d get his, then sleep. That isn’t a given now, and it’s this big wall that I don’t know how to get over.

    So yeah. Right there with ya.

    • @Femi: “I get it now. And I don’t like it.”

      Thank you. I’m not glad it happens, but I’m glad someone gets it. For the record, I don’t anyone for not getting it, it’s just hard to explain (and I imagine, difficult to understand).

      I get so fucking frustrated with some of the threads on FetLife and other blogs and articles with “advice.” Someone will write “I can’t have an orgasm with a partner” and everyone responds with “have him/her lick you” or “practice!” If only it were that easy… we’d all be coming buckets all day long…

      “it’s this big wall that I don’t know how to get over.”

      I guess recognizing that it is a wall is a good step. Right? Meh… I’m not even sure I believe myself on that one…

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