Nov 192012
 

A while ago, a friend gave me some advice in regards to my inability to orgasm and feel dominant at the same time:

“Some dominants will do something toppy or sadistic to help them “reclaim” their headspace after orgasm. Being sadistic or demanding might help you take back your feeling of dominance and reinforce your sub’s feeling of submissiveness. For example, after you have an orgasm, you could try engaging in impact play or needle play (something hurty or stingy) to let him know who’s boss.”

In other words: 1) have orgasm, 2) beat sub, 3) profit… okay, maybe not “profit.”

I LOVE that advice. It’s good advice. (Of course, good advice is dependent on the people involved–I wouldn’t assume it’s good advice for everyone).

I tried that advice, or perhaps more accurately, I meant to try it. I meant to do something to help me reclaim my feelings of dominance and reinforce our positions after my orgasm. I had big plans for hurty, stingy, fun stuff, but… I just couldn’t get my head back into the game.

If recent experience is any indication, in the time immediately following orgasm, I have very little desire to “dominate” or otherwise reassert myself. In fact, making demands and hurting him is just about the furthest thing from my mind.

My theory is this: orgasm is my kryptonite.

After I have an orgasm, I don’t want to dominate him. I don’t want to stick pins in him or whack him with a paddle. After orgasm, I just want to curl up next to him and feel his arms around…

Fuck. Fucking fuck. Ok… I’m just going to say it… after orgasm, I want to cuddle.

It’s not as if I think cuddling is bad or weak or whatever, it’s just not something I do. I don’t even like the word “cuddle”–I can’t seem to type it without scowling at the computer screen.  I mean, I do cuddle (FFS, isn’t there a better word for it than that?), but not after-orgasm-girl-cuddle. I mean, I’m typically the cuddle-r, not the cuddle-ee… I like *rawr* cuddling, but after orgasm, it feels like *mew* cuddling.

Oh for fuck’s sake. I’ve digressed from a discussion of orgasm to a discussion of cuddling…. and now I’m typing in feline. Kill me. *hiss*

  22 Responses to “orgasm = kryptonite”

  1. Have you ever considered that you’re not a domme per se? Maybe you’re just a woman in love forcing yourself to be what your partner wants.

    • @DommeD: Of course! I’ve considered it in excessive and long-winded detail elsewhere on the blog.

      I don’t care all that much about what I am so much as I care about getting what I want and feeling good about it. Call me domme, call me sub, call me Brunehilda or Bob… I don’t like feeling needy or weak, no matter I am or what you call me.

  2. Interesting! I’ve heard men lose the desire to be submissive after orgasm. Possible connection?

    • Sionevah: Holy crap! You might be on to something… your suggestion is really brilliant! I’ll have to give it some thought.

      Thank you!!! :)

  3. Just because you like to cuddle does not make you not a domme. So, this thought pattern was perfect, because H likes to cuddle too and he certainly orgasm’s and the way he grabs on to me and holds me after all that he does makes me feel possessed and loved and cuddled and submitted.

    So, why can’t a woman do that? They can. It is just a matter of figuring out the reverse anatomy of it all. And YOU CAN HOLD HIM. I have only been allowed to hold my man once or twice ever, but it felt very comforting to me (and I think him, but he didn’t want to be comforted either).

    So, those are my thoughts to do with as you will. :)

    • @Kitty:

      “Just because you like to cuddle does not make you not a domme.” … “why can’t a woman do that? They can.”

      You’re 100% right on this–expressions of physical intimacy aren’t limited (nor should they be limited) by gender or role. People should express emotion in whatever way feels good and is meaningful for them and for their partner. I don’t think my position on cuddling (or my positioning during cuddling) makes me more or less female or more or less dominant. I wouldn’t care even if it did–I’m not all that invested in labels.

      I realize my post wasn’t very clear on this, but I actually do like cuddling (most of the time). I enjoy holding J and I enjoy being held by him (his arms are strong and beautiful and swoon-worthy!).

      I dislike the feeling that accompanies this particular expression of physical intimacy–not because I think I should dislike it, but because I genuinely don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable and a little confusing and I’m not sure why.

      It’s a strange sort of neediness feels weak in a way I don’t enjoy. It makes me feel subjectified, and that’s not something I’ve ever been comfortable with (not even before D/s).

      Ok… that wasn’t any clearer. *sigh*

  4. I hope I do “get it” and will offer this suggestion based on my experience with something similiar: domme drop. Sometimes I play so hard with a partner who craves intense impact play, that when
    the scene ends, I feel so weak, I want to lie down and go to sleep. I actually did this accidentally in
    at a play party once and was mortified. Just passed out on a couch right where everyone was arriving.

    For me, intense play results in multiple orgasms–and afterwards, I am terribly weak. In
    the pass out on couch episode, my play partner put his arm around me and propped me up so I looked like I was resting in his arms. When I opened my eyes half hour later, I was creeped out to the max to be in this cuddle position. I can’t stand feeling weak-needy.

    What I have found to be the solution–is hot strong coffee. If you are in bed, weak
    after orgasm, let the sub know ahead of time to hop up and bring you a beverage of choice: red bull, coffee, strong tea. Whatever you like that will bring your energy level up quickly. It works for me, maybe it will work for you too.

    • @Mistress Raffi: I hadn’t thought it might be drop. That’s a really excellent idea–thank you!

      Based on what both you and Ferns said, it makes a ton of sense! There is a lot of physical and emotional exertion during play and I have been able to identify feeling dead-tired afterwards, but my orgasm happens infrequently that I hadn’t realize there might be a connection between that physical/mental exhaustion and a sort of sexual exhaustion, especially after release.

      I will definitely try coffee, and maybe even a snack to see if that keeps the weak-needy feeling at bay.

      I actually chuckled when I read this: “When I opened my eyes half hour later, I was creeped out to the max to be in this cuddle position.”

      I’ve experienced something very similar, so I know what you mean!

      Thanks so much for sharing this. :)

  5. I was going to comment on your previous, but this is a better place to put it.

    I’m like a dude. Once I’ve come, I’m done. Like you, I’m completely wound down then. And I’m not some wind up super orgasmic toy that just keeps coming.

    That fact doesn’t make it ‘dominant before’ vs ‘not dominant after’. That’s bollocks. It’s ‘ramped up sexual energy’ vs ‘sated’.

    So, the solution for me is easy. I come at the end, when I am done with all the high energy ‘fuck him up’ violent sexy grrr-ish play. The ramp-up to that point is awesome because I am playing with all that ‘raawwrrr’ and sexual energy I have to burn, everything turns me on, I can go as long as I want.

    When I’ve expended all that rawr energy to the peak and I’m kind of starting to wind down, *then* I let him make me come.

    Then I’m all curling, purring kitten and yay, lovely aftercare which includes *gasp* cuddling and gentle kissing and petting and snuggling and *all that lovely stuff*.

    I don’t see any dilemma with it at all.

    Ferns

    • @Ferns: For whatever reason (I’m dumb?), I hadn’t made the connection that most people are just drained after orgasm. Plus, after hours and hours of pretty intense play, that exhaustion is probably all-that-much worse after orgasm.

      I really like your framing of it as sexual energy (and then sexual energy expended). What you described, the sexual energy that fuels the play, where everything is a turn on (hot sexy fun), is spot on. When I’ve got that, I feel great (high even), I can go for hours, and I really do get out of my head as best as I’m able.

      When that winds down, and then release? Well, you said it. I’m just done after that.

      As usual, your thoughts are right on. Thanks, Ferns. :) You’re my hero.

  6. PS Sorry, I feel as if I was dismissing your feelings on re-reading my comment.

    Obviously how you *feel* is the thing causing you the problem. As you say *knowing* a thing isn’t the same as *feeling* a thing. My comment was to do the, “I’m just like you with how my headspace flows, here’s how and why it works for me” thing.

    Ferns

    • @Ferns:

      “Sorry, I feel as if I was dismissing your feelings on re-reading my comment.”

      Not at all!! You sharing your experiences and feelings doesn’t at all dismiss mine, and I didn’t read it as such.

      I appreciate knowing what works for you (and how and why). Your thoughts and experiences have helped me more than you know. :)

  7. after reading Fern’s commet: would like to amplify my comment a ittle. Feeling weak and needy–I see it as something you don’t overthink and seek to change how you feel–you feel how you feel, because of your brain
    .
    It’s sending emotional messages because the body’s been flooded with chemicals. You feel weak because temporarily you are weak. You feel needy too.
    If that combo doesn’t set well with your basic view of yourself.. why change the view, try to be like someone else’s view? Why not change the brain messages instead?

    Yes a strong, powerful woman can be weak, vulnerable. However, I want to be weak, vulnerable, cuddly on my own terms, when I want, not when my body-brain is overruling me. Setting a task for the sub ahead of time, means I am in charge, even tho I am temporarily mushy-needy-weak.

    plus that spurt of caffeine is going to give me back some energy, to feel better, to chose to cuddle or not. Hope that helps.

    • Mistress Raffi:

      “Feeling weak and needy–I see it as something you don’t overthink and seek to change how you feel–you feel how you feel, because of your brain”

      Thank you for that. I do overthink, but that’s the way I’m wired (as you suggested) I wish I could dismiss things like that, but I can’t. So, as you said, I seek to change those things that I’m uncomfortable with. Might as well be proactive!

      What you and other have said about chemicals and emotions rings really true for me. It makes a lot of sense. Realizing where the chemicals come from does actually help the way I feel about them (at least in theory–hopefully in practice, too), and the coffee thing is a great idea for trying to lessen the effects of the tired and the drop.

      “Yes a strong, powerful woman can be weak, vulnerable. However, I want to be weak, vulnerable, cuddly on my own terms, when I want, not when my body-brain is overruling me.”

      Yes!!! This! Thank you thank you… you do get it! I want to be vulnerable on my own terms, not when I’m subject to things I don’t understand and don’t know where they came from. I do know I’m subject to body/brain in a lot of ways, and simply knowing that helps a ton. I absolutely will try the coffee, and I’ll also try setting some small task ahead of time to keep that feeling when my body gets the better of me and I’m feeling out of control.

      “Hope that helps.”

      It absolutely does. Thank you! :)

  8. “FFS, isn’t there a better word for it than that?”
    Snuggle! Hug. Embrace. Spoon. Nestle. Nuzzle. Have happy-sleepy-snoozy-squeezy times.

    “I’m not all that invested in labels.”
    Pfft ha ha ha ha! Oops, sorry. But yes, m’dear, you are. That is okay, but I think it is one of the reasons you have issues with your Orgasm Project. You are heavily invested in the label of Domme and sub and what you feel they should mean, and suffer when reality (such as what reaching orgasm for you requires, or how you feel after orgasm) conflicts with your views.

    The other commenters already gave good suggestions on how to deal with the issue. I am just going to add a cliche that should hopefully also be lots of fun: practice! The more you get accustomed to having an orgasm and whatever aftercare you use (cuddles, spanking him, C&B torture…) without it somehow impacting your roles, the likelier you’ll be to feel confident that you are still dominant.

    • “Pfft ha ha ha ha! Oops, sorry. But yes, m’dear, you are.”

      So, you’re telling me what I really care about? That’s a bit presumptuous, don’t you think?

      “I think it is one of the reasons you have issues with your Orgasm Project. You are heavily invested in the label of Domme and sub and what you feel they should mean, and suffer when reality (such as what reaching orgasm for you requires, or how you feel after orgasm) conflicts with your views.”

      I appreciate your thoughts, but you don’t have enough information to make this assumption. I had the same and similar issues in the 10+ years I was sexually active before I knew D/s existed. I couldn’t have been “heavily invested” in labels then.

      Thanks for your thoughts.

  9. Congrats on being named one of the top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2012.

    Much deserved.

  10. Those are such cute kitty cats!

  11. Isn’t being dominant about getting what you want when you want it? When I feel like cuddling, we cuddle…

    My orgasms with my sub (who’s only the second man ever to get me there without the help of a toy) actually make me feel MORE dominant if anything because I either lay down comfortably, and just give him a certain “look”, or I say “make me cum”. And he does.

    Being a Domme doesn’t mean I can’t ever be weak or vulnerable or cuddly. I wonder if us female Dom are not worrying too much about “maintaining” our dominance simply because the idea that female = not dominant, has been so deeply ingrained in us. So we feel we have to try harder, and stay tougher? Just a theory I’ve been mulling over. The more comfortable I get, the less I worry.

    When I need to be held after orgasm (I usually don’t….after a short break I get very giggly and almost “high” and I’m usually energized afterwards), then holding me is just another act of service (if I absolutely have to think of it in D/s terms).

    • @moonbeam: “Being a Domme doesn’t mean I can’t ever be weak or vulnerable or cuddly. I wonder if us female Dom are not worrying too much about “maintaining” our dominance simply because the idea that female = not dominant, has been so deeply ingrained in us. So we feel we have to try harder, and stay tougher? Just a theory I’ve been mulling over. The more comfortable I get, the less I worry.”

      You’re absolutely right on that point — Of course you can be weak, vulnerable, and/or cuddly and still be a Domme.

      I can too. I understand that. My issue isn’t whether I can be weak and vulnerable (I know I can)–the issue is that I fucking hate it.

      Lots of people enjoy those feelings–I know my submissive has said as much. He enjoys feeling (or being made to feel) weak and vulnerable with me. I don’t enjoy those feelings.

      I know I haven’t done a fantastic job of explaining it all, but for me, the bottom line is that I don’t like feeling weak or vulnerable. It doesn’t have anything to do with what those feelings “say” about my role. It has everything to do with loathing the actual feelings.

 Leave a Reply