Nov 302012
 

So, it’s official. J knows about the blog. I called him out the other day, and after a long and anxious wait, he finally “delurked” and left a comment:

not so secret anymore

How fucking cute was that? :)

Anyway, here’s the backstory, if you’re interested…

When I started writing here, there was no reason to tell J. I didn’t think we’d have anything more than a casual relationship, and I certainly didn’t imagine I’d have any reason to keep up the blog as long as I have.

But it happened. It got serious. As things with J got more serious, the stuff I wrote about got more serious too.

When I realized what was happening, I figured I should tell him, but I didn’t want to. It’s not that I wanted to keep my thoughts to myself (obviously, as my blog is public and I enjoy having a readership), but I wanted to keep some of them from him. Despite pop psychology, I don’t believe every feeling should be shared, particularly when the feeling is out of proportion, misdirected, or misunderstood. Some feelings need processed, and this is where I do it. Besides that, sharing feelings (especially raw ones), is overwhelming — both for the person sharing and for the person being shared with.

But of course, J was bound to find me sooner or later, and about a month ago, I began to suspect that he had.

After monitoring my stats for a couple of weeks, I was sure of it. Part of me was relieved — I didn’t have to tell him because he had found it on his own.

He knew about the blog and I knew he was reading, but neither one of us wanted to admit it to the other. I didn’t know what to say (Uh, hey, so what did you think of my last blog post?) and neither did he. I never told him about the blog, and so he assumed I didn’t want him to know.

Ultimately, I didn’t want to keep him in the position of secretly reading without knowing whether I was okay with it or not. I didn’t want him to feel guilty or conflicted about reading what’s here. As I’ve said before, I think it’s too much to make someone aware that they’re being written about and then expect them not to read.

So, I had to let him know that I knew that he knew (did you follow that?!? No? Let me try that again…). I had to tell him that I was aware he was reading.

I thought about using the opportunity to fuck with him. :)  I could post something about falling in love with a potato farmer and my decision to move to Idaho so we could spend the rest of our lives together growing tubers and making sweet, sweet potato pancakes. Or, I could post something about wanting to demand that J and I get matching Justin Bieber tattoos. Or, I could admit to having a secret sea creature fetish and discuss my plans to stick him in a bathtub full of piranhas before I shove an electric eel up his ass…

I couldn’t decide on something believable that wouldn’t be emotionally scarring, so instead, I just called him out and waited to see if he responded.

After a anxious and anticlimactic wait, he finally saw the blog post and left a comment to announce his presence.

In the phone call that followed, J explained he stumbled on the blog via a link on someone else’s website. He read through a couple of posts, noticed a few things that sounded familiar, but didn’t give it much thought at the time. He returned a day later, saw more similarities, and thought he must have a lot in common with “J.” When he visited the site a third time, he read more and more until he finally realized he didn’t just have a lot in common with J… he was J.

He was surprised to learn I’ve been writing here for so long, but he wasn’t upset with anything he read. There isn’t much he didn’t already know about, more or less. Of course, some of my reflections and exorcisms of raw, unprocessed emotions were new to him, but they weren’t surprising. More than anything else, he was unsure of what to do with his new-found awareness.

Of course, that didn’t stop him from reading. :) I don’t blame him for that, nor am I upset with him for it.

Honestly, I hope he’s read every single word. There’s no way he could read what I’ve written here and not know that I love him, not know that he’s the object of my obsession, or not know how much I enjoy loving him and hurting him and fucking him into beautiful little pieces.

Going forward, I’m not sure what (if anything) this means for the blog. Knowing J is reading does change things, but I’m not sure how much it will impact how I write and what I write about.

What won’t change is J’s (lack of) participation here. Aside from being the subject of my ramblings and the object of my love and affection lust and obsession, he won’t have a presence here. The blog is mine — not ours — so don’t expect to hear from him. At some later date, I may give him the opportunity to write a post or two (actually, asking him to respond to reader questions might be fun!), but for now, J’s participation will be limited to lurking only.

It’s okay. This isn’t the first time I’ve told him to shut up and just look pretty… :)

 

  18 Responses to “not-so-secret anymore”

  1. Aww! You’re right, it’s pretty fucking cute. And YAY for coming out! I think it’s fantastic! We both know discussing FEELINGS can suck big sweaty balls, and that’s where the blog is a good thing. Sometimes it’s easier to write them than to say them OUT LOUD. Okay, I may be a little cap happy today, but I’m thrilled for you!

    • @Nikki: “Aww! You’re right, it’s pretty fucking cute.”

      It’s easy for him. He is pretty fucking cute. :)

      “iscussing FEELINGS can suck big sweaty balls, and that’s where the blog is a good thing. Sometimes it’s easier to write them than to say them OUT LOUD.”

      Fuck. Yes. It’s way easier to write them, particular when saying them out loud (without the necessary processing) will reveal my crazy. I’ve got PLENTY of crazy… seriously. I have extra. Do you need any?

  2. Yay! Such a great ending! So glad it all worked out fine.

    I’ll be interested to see if or how this influences how you write here. I feel as if you haven’t been writing as much personal stuff in the last month, which may be my skewed perception (and of course it’s all about ME!).

    When I blog, I’m very aware of the potential for hurt/confusion/elation in response by people I know, even if (as you say), I’m just expressing a momentary, fleeting thought that would normally just stay in my head. Once it’s out there, it’s concrete, made ‘real’, and has impact.

    Ferns

    • @Ferns: “I feel as if you haven’t been writing as much personal stuff in the last month,”

      You’re not off in your thinking, but it’s due in part to my being really.fucking.busy. It’s way easier for me to write a quick (hopefully) witty thing than to delve into the epic knotted mess of thoughts of feelings that is my brain.

      “even if (as you say), I’m just expressing a momentary, fleeting thought that would normally just stay in my head. Once it’s out there, it’s concrete, made ‘real’, and has impact.”

      I am a bit afraid of this. It seems my brain allows me two choices, 1) process, which requires writing for an audience nowadays, or 2) ignore it, hope it goes away, ultimately knowing I’ll let it fester and grow until its big enough to destroy something I love.

  3. “…he read more and more until he finally realized he didn’t just have a lot in common with J… he was J.”

    This absolutely fascinates me. The dawning realisation. Oh to have been inside his head as he worked that out… *…la la laaa… ??… tick… tick… tick…ticktick… ticktickticktick…. BOOOM!!!*

    Ferns

    • Head-kasploding revelations can be a lot of fun, even without being inside the person’s head. Just watching the look on their face can be wonderful.

      • @Neo: My only regret is that I didn’t get to watch any of it happen… not the “hmmm” to “WTF?” as he figured it out, nor the “Oh shit…” when I finally called him out. Oh well, I’ll have to be content with his description and my imagination. :)

    • @Ferns: I know! I really wish I had been able to see it happen in person. I can only imagine his facial expressions as they went from “hmmm…” to “wha?” to “WTF?” to “OMFG!”

  4. Clearly @Nikki Blue, @Ferns and @Neophyte have said it all!

    HAPPY FOR YOU D!

    The story on how he found out about the blog is so fucking cute and awesome-sauce! If I was him, I would probably shit rainbows and fart glitters by the time I realize that that was me I was reading about!!! I don’t know if “romantic” is fitting but the story on how he found about it is just GREAT! How you handled the situation was probably the best it should be :)

    On “I don’t believe every feeling should be shared, particularly when the feeling is out of proportion, misdirected, or misunderstood.”

    I do believe that’s true. I have issues about Sir knowing what I think about. I would like to quote you on this one on my blog.

    • Thank you, Agatha!

      I’m really happy about it too. :) I think I’d pay good money to see him shit rainbows and fart glitter! *laugh*

      “I do believe that’s true. I have issues about Sir knowing what I think about. I would like to quote you on this one on my blog.”

      Interesting! Is it for the same reasons as mine? I’d be flattered if you quoted me, and I’d also like to read whatever your thoughts are on the matter. Please let me know if you do decide to write on this!

      • Will do write about it! Didn’t know I wasn’t the only one feeling the same way.

        I remember I wrote something touching this subject last month, http://bareskinned.wordpress.com/2012/10/25/exit/
        (those are my thoughts last month, which clearly are not my thoughts now)

        Decided to imported the entry from another blog. I recently made bareskinned.wordpress.com because I don’t want Sir to hear my thoughts. I want to keep parts of it to myself too and to my readership.

  5. Wow! So many confused feelings about this!

    • @HH: “many confused feelings about this!”

      Wait, my confused feelings, Js, or yours? :) Certainly, I have enough confused thoughts and feelings for all of us!

  6. I echo my bff’s sentiment of HOW FUCKING CUTE IS THIS! You and J were our topic of conversation this morning during our morning call. We sounded like two teenagers gossiping about the latest development in the popular crowd. Well, the popular kinky crowd. Congrats! I’m certain it will be all puppies and rainbows from this point forward. Or is that stray cat and orgasms? xo

    • @Heather: Whee! We were morning-phone-call conversation fodder? Yay! That means I’m in the popular crowd? Oh wait… or does that just mean the kids in the popular crowd are talking about me? Eh… doesn’t matter. I’ll take it either way. :)

      And yes! Hopefully it’s all glitter farts and bejeweled paddles and rainbow orgasms from here on out!

  7. Wow! I haven’t visited in way too long, D. (too busy using my free computer time searching for a local you). Just finished reading the first page and has the price of poker changed. You handled it exactly like I thought that you would have. Being in the situation that I am in, sneaking, there was something under the surface reading your blog knowing that J didn’t know that was really, um, don’t know. It was just cool to me that in a way you were sneaking, too. That you had a secret like I did gave me a weird bond with you. You had a sub that didn’t know that you were writing about him and I was searching for a domme that the people in my life would never know about.

    I’ll read the rest of things that I haven’t read sinse I haven’t been here in weeks and catch up more (like there is really more to catch up on than J (whom I hate and I am jealous of and … just kidding J, well not really, I don’t hate you but I’m jealous of you and want to kill you everytiome that you even come close to hurting D). Missed reading you D and will not stay away so long again.

    Michael

    • @submichael: I was wondering where you had gone to. Glad you’re back!

      “just kidding J, well not really, I don’t hate you but I’m jealous of you and want to kill you everytiome that you even come close to hurting D)”

      Ha! I’m glad you have my back, Michael. :) Don’t worry about J. I’ll keep him in line. ;)

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