I didn’t intend for my last post to be sad, nor did I mean to indicate any changes on the horizon. What I wrote was the product of a melancholy moment, nothing more.
I have my share of melancholy moments, but I also have more than my share of ridiculously happy ones too. Sometimes I’m obsessive-in-love, and sometimes, not as much. While the less-than-happy moments aren’t my favorites, the fluidity of relationships doesn’t bother me.
It’s the nature of the thing — all relationships ebb and flow. They change and evolve just as the people in them do.
While my rational brain feels sorta zen about it, my heart and my emo-brain don’t always fare so well. I’m fairly sensitive, and on top of that, the ebbs and flows in this relationship seem more pronounced because it’s D/s and because it’s (often) distance — the highs are higher and the lows are lower.
I do get down sometimes — I wade in self-pity and I get sad. I miss J and I get angry with him for being so fucking far away.
But it’s not his fault. My rational brain doesn’t blame him for it… but sometimes the rest of me does, and that’s not fair.
So, when the melancholy comes, when it threatens to turn angry, I take a little time and roll around in it. I allow myself to feel it — hard. Feeling it and writing it out helps me to shrink the excess (and often misplaced) emotion back down to more appropriate proportions. It helps me to put all of my overthinking and overblown emotion back into perspective.
When taken together — the highs, the lows, the joy, the sadness, the absolute gnawing want, and the occasional, fleeting indifference — I’m happy, and that makes the sometimes melancholy moments more than worth it. :)