Nov 202012
 

My mother isn’t domestic and she’s never been much of a cook. But this year, for the first time in her adult life, she’s hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for her boyfriend and his family.

I’ve been emailing her my recipes and fielding her questions when she finds herself overwhelmed by the number of choices in the grocery store. I’m not sure she’s been in a proper grocery store in years.

Anyway, tonight she called with some question about turkey roasting times… and then this happened:

Mother: How do I know when the turkey is done? Does the pop up timer change colors or something?

Me: No, Mom. The pop up timer doesn’t change colors… it pops up. But you shouldn’t use it anyway–it’s not reliable. Use the meat thermometer. As long as it reads 160° at the breast and 180° at the leg, you’ll be fine.

Mother: What if I don’t catch it in time? What happens if I cook it too long?

Me: It will be dry, but at least you won’t kill anyone with food poisoning. If it’s dry, it’s dry. No big deal… everyone will fall asleep after eating anyway.

Mother: Oh, I heard about that on the news!… That additive in turkey that makes people sleepy.

Me: It’s not an additive. It’s natural. It’s called…. um… I can’t remember the name of it… I think it’s called….

Mother: … Rohypnol? 

Me: … [silence]

 

  10 Responses to “domestic advice”

  1. Date-rape turkey on the next Geraldo

    • I said: “You want stuffed, bitch?”

      Turkey said: “Yes Ma’am.”

      Then turkey got fisted… hard… with sausage.

      Yeah. I’m drunk.

  2. ” It’s not an additive. It’s natural. It’s called…. um… I can’t remember the name of it… I think it’s called….”

    In my house, it’s from beer, wine, and Southern Comfort (Baily’s optional) and perhaps an herbal suplement (yeah, like sage)… Although, I think my cousin used Rohypnol on his ex one year, just to get her to shut the fuck up.

    • @slapshot: Yes! I plan to use lots of liquid additives… whiskey, vodka, rum. And I have plenty of sage here too. No, seriously. Sage (I’m so cool, I garden!)

  3. That’s funny. Watch out for guys sticking drumsticks in your drinks! Although the anal retentive geek in me can’t resist pointing out that the whole turkey and tryptophan thing is a myth…

    http://theincidentaleconomist.com/wordpress/turkey-doesnt-make-you-sleepy/

    -paltego

    • @paltego: “Watch out for guys sticking drumsticks in your drinks!”

      Ha! I absolutely love that mental image! The misfit parties get a little crazy at my place towards the end of the night… no doubt, there will be drumsticks where they shouldn’t be.

      “can’t resist pointing out that the whole turkey and tryptophan thing is a myth…”

      I did see it debunked somewhere, but never gave it much thought. Seeing as how mother dearest might drug her dinner guests with something stronger, I won’t bother dropping any science on her this year. :)

      “the anal retentive geek in me”

      Anal-retentive geeks are my favorite kind of geeks!

  4. OMG. This is awesome. My mom can’t cook either, but she just pretends she does, then gives me advice. I nod my head and note it as a “what not to do.”

    • @Femi: Yeah, my mother can’t cook worth a damn. I guess I was lucky because she never pretended when I was growing up–she didn’t cook much (thankfully!). Someday, I’ll have to write up a post on some of her more memorable culinary disasters. :)

  5. Wait – you’re NOT supposed to use Rohypnol?

    So how DO you get the turkey to roll over for you?

    • @N.Likes: “Wait – you’re NOT supposed to use Rohypnol?”

      I’m not exactly in-the-know on this sort of molecular gastronomy. Perhaps my mother is on the cutting edge!

      “So how DO you get the turkey to roll over for you?”

      I command it in my “Domme” voice, and if it disobeys, I punish it (As-Seen-On-TV Flavor Injector… oh yes, I will).

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