Nov 242012
 

I call and say hello, but I don’t have much more than that. The mundane details of my life are the same today as they were yesterday, and the same as they’ll be tomorrow. I’ve run out of things to say, but I still attempt some sort of contact.

The minutiae is ever-present and never-changing, and simply saying hello doesn’t fill the silence. “Hello” is not enough to bridge the distance between us. It’s a smoke signal. It’s dust in the atmosphere that says nothing more than “I’m still here, and you’re still there.”

Neither one of us is satisfied to sit and listen to the other breathe. It’s not enough to sustain us, but it’s hope for something more. (Hope is dangerous sometimes.)

At times, it feels as if the newness has faded — saying “I love you” has lost it’s luster. It’s not new, nor are we, and I’m not sure that it’s enough. “I love you” feels repetitive. It sounds mechanical through the invisible lines that tether us together. It feels hollow even though it’s true.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I hang up and stare at the cellphone in my hand. I can’t help but think it would be far more satisfying to slam a receiver into its cradle.

I resist the urge to pitch the phone at the wall. I want to hear the plastic shatter. I want the release that comes with knowing something material has changed. In the absence of his flesh, I have nothing left to destroy but the medium of his voice. I want to, but I won’t.

The display light dims, and disappears, and I wonder if I’ll call again tomorrow.

 

  8 Responses to “call”

  1. Oh, no. I hate those kind of phone calls. I hope you’re able to make it through these doldrums and get back to the excitement.

  2. Oh D. This post saddens me. I hope you feel better soon. Same as Neophyte, I hate those kind of phone calls.

    • @Agatha-luise: Oh, thank you! No sad though! I just had a melancholy moment… I try to write it down because it helps me push it away. All is fine in my world, I promise. :)

  3. I still see occasional payphones around. I think you should call tomorrow from one of those – good cradle, loud, durable. It would feel both invigorating and a bit nostalgic. (Better yet, hope it’s a much happier call).

    I was viscerally angry at work about 6 months ago and ended up needing to order a new phone. Phone smashing is indeed quite satisfying. :)

    • @DC: “Phone smashing is indeed quite satisfying. :)”

      It really is! I’m not sure why, but I guess I’m not the only one who feels like hurling them at walls. I might just try to find a payphone around somewhere…

      Good to hear from you, DC. :)

  4. There’s gotta be someone out there who will make a hand set for a cellphone to be inserted into so one can hang up all “old”-fashioned like….

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