Oct 092012
 

dumb gender bias bdsm

Sure. Unless the submissive woman has no desire to be “feminine,” or, unless she has no desire to be with someone “completely masculine.” Unless it’s reductive to assume all submissive women want the same thing. Unless you don’t believe submissive women require connection with someone masculine to fulfill their “hunger to be completely feminine.” Unless you don’t assume we all endorse shared understandings of masculinity and femininity. Unless “feminine” and “masculine” are big fat fucking constructs that a woman and her someone don’t endorse.

For fuck’s sake. It’s bad enough someone put this ignorant heteronormative bullshit out there into the ether. I assume it’s some dominant who squeaks like a school girl every time someone forgets to address him with a capital ‘D’. (You know, capitalization is the highest form of respect).

What I can’t understand is how, in just two hours, this shitty attempt at being deep and Dom(me)ly was favorited by 33 people and retweeted by 47 people.

What the fuck’s wrong with you people?

Is this starry-eyed-bad-romance-novel-failed-poet crap that compelling you feel the need to share it? Seriously?

If this is the type of vapid, ignorant bullshit that “speaks to your heart,” then you need to take a serious look at yourself. I won’t speak to your heart, but I’m damn sure your mind is fucking empty, and I strongly suggest you fill it with something of higher quality and substance… like cartoons or cats or something.

While we’re on it, (shitty faux-meaningful bullshit aside,) can we fucking quit it with the whole submission = feminine and dominance = masculine thing? Can we quit privileging particular embodiments and performances of some gender roles over others? Can we quit passing this type of crap around as if we endorse it? Can we stop being so fucking ignorant that we assume it goes-without-saying?

Yeah, I get it. You may prefer certain performances over others. You may privilege certain embodiments over others. But please, for fuck’s sake, don’t assume your preferences are mine, or someone else’s, or everyone’s. Don’t pass it on as shared, universal, or natural… because it’s not.

 

  16 Responses to “rant: reductive role bullshit”

  1. For a lot of people who don’t have to think very hard, BDSM = traditional gender roles, NOW WITH MORE COWBELL.

    Ya know what? That’s great. If they’re having a good time being Ultraman and Ultrawoman, more power to them.

    It’s great riiiiiiiiight until the point where they tell the rest of the world that’s the right way to be, the best way to be, the only way to be.

    And at that point I gotta tell ’em to fuck right off.

    • @Lily: “It’s great riiiiiiiiight until the point where they tell the rest of the world that’s the right way to be, the best way to be, the only way to be.”

      Sometimes I can blow that stuff off when I’m sure the person knows what they’re saying, when that’s what they really believe, and when the primary purpose of the statement is to communicate something about roles (even if that something is wrong). Even when the statement is dead-wrong, at least it’s purposeful.

      But when the ideology of the statement is secondary to the attempted-romantic language or when it’s secondary to an attempt at constructing ethos, I lose my shit.

      If you’re going to say something, at least say it because you mean it, and not because you think you’re being all sexy-attractive and think it might garner you some attention.

  2. *laugh* I saw that and honestly read it as “A submissive woman, one of them, somewhere, some submissive woman in the world exists who hungers for …and etc”

    I thought ‘yeah, okay, whatevs’.

    I think my faulty thinking about these sorts of things means that I get a lot less aggravated by idiocy out in the world.

    Ferns

  3. I get so frustrated with the notion that one has to feel feminine or masculine in order to feel female or male. It’s just not true. So very few people understand gender at all, so when they talk about it, it really annoys the shit out of me. And then I get all, “Someone on the internet is wrong!” and it takes all of my self control to NOT post the long rant I typed up at the end of a thread where nearly every post from each side of the argument made me angry.

    I don’t post it because I never want to read that thread again. If I post, I’ll have to come back and see what someone says about what I said. If they ignore me? I get pissed. If they misunderstand me? I get pissed. If they blindly agree with me, but still say something stupid? I get pissed. If they argue with me? I get even more ranty and pissed.

    And if they add submission and dominance into the mix? If they conflate feeling feminine with feeling female with feeling submissive and feeling masculine/male with feeling dominant? It occurs to me that these are people I simply am not capable of talking to because they obviously eat up all information they were force fed in childhood and adolescence and have never questioned anything they’ve ever been told about how the world works vs. how people actually work. In other words, they have probably never thought for themselves and likely still spout whatever opinion a majority of their friends spout.

    Screw ’em! Only, not the fun way!

    • @M. Date: “So very few people understand gender at all, so when they talk about it, it really annoys the shit out of me”

      In part, that’s why I don’t talk about gender often. I’m smart enough to know that I’m ignorant. I’m aware of the world and of the people in it enough to understand I don’t know what people feel, what they go through, and how such heteronormative statements might hurt. With that said, I’m smart enough to know I’m just one of millions of unique, interesting people out there. Speaking for everyone, claiming I understand, or thinking I know all there is to know about gender means I cut myself off from learning from others… and that’s something I’m not willing to do.

      I’m sorry that you get ranty and pissed. More than that, I’m sorry that ignorant-closed-minded-fuck-faced-morons give you reason to get ranty and pissed.

      So, yeah. Screw ’em. And not in the good way. (But really, do you think people like that have good sex? I can’t imagine they do… )

  4. I’ve ranted all damn week over this whole gender and roles and feminine and masculine crap. I’m fucking fed fucking up with it too.

    People are stupid. And ignorant. Sometimes they’re both. Mostly just self-absorbed, egotistical assholes though. You can’t change *them* but hopefully, you can get to the people who are on the fence and they’ll see that “right” and “true” and “real” and all that stupid bullshit is just that – stupid bullshit.

    Obviously, I’m still pissed off over it all.

    • @Femi: “hopefully, you can get to the people who are on the fence and they’ll see that “right” and “true” and “real” and all that stupid bullshit is just that – stupid bullshit.”

      I hear you. Mostly, though, whatever I say is motivated by my being personally pissed off and not out of some want of greater good. I guess if I have a hope (and of course, it’s a selfish one), it’s that I set myself apart from the fuck-faced-idiots. I’m not one of them, and I fucking hate it when they try to speak for me.

  5. I think the issue is that people who have lived a very “normal” life in the sense of gender and/or sexuality don’t ever even think that their way is not the only way. They can’t conceive of not being like they are, so they can’t conceive that anyone else might be different, or might have a different experience, either.

    Men are manly men and domly doms and women are girly girls and submissive submissives and that’s all there is to it.

    And to be fair, look how many people will re-post that stupid picture of the cat with some baby-talk verbiage added on top? Popularity is not a sign of quality, alas.

    • @Ms Constance: “I think the issue is that people who have lived a very “normal” life in the sense of gender and/or sexuality don’t ever even think that their way is not the only way. “

      While I agree with you, I also think it’s no excuse. I’ve lived a “normal” life, but never imagined I was the only example of human gender performance or human sexuality. Even if I did, I don’t think I ever thought enough of myself to publicly espouse the belief that my gender performance or sexuality was “normal” or “correct.”

      “And to be fair, look how many people will re-post that stupid picture of the cat with some baby-talk verbiage added on top? Popularity is not a sign of quality, alas.”

      Yes, but LOL cats don’t reinforce dangerous stereotypes, don’t encourage hate and discrimination, and don’t disenfranchise large percentages of the human population. So, while I understand your larger point (that ignorance is easily passed on), it’s no excuse when that ignorance hurts people in a big bad way.

  6. And then I get all, “Someone on the internet is wrong!”

    But hey, “Someone on the internet is wrong!” is my hobby!

  7. What a lovely rant!! And so accurate.

    i’m glad i’ve found your blog.

    aisha

  8. Jesus, what the hell? Favorites and retweets? It just sounds like someone who is very new and hasn’t explored anything outside of their own sexual bubble. Great – if that’s what you think, and that’s how you feel. But these overarching “I speak for everyone” statements – especially when it comes to other peoples sexualities. Not really okay.

    • @Coz:

      “It just sounds like someone who is very new and hasn’t explored anything outside of their own sexual bubble”

      Perhaps, but lots of people who are new and/or haven’t explored outside of their bubble aren’t reductionist heteronormative assholes.

      “But these overarching “I speak for everyone” statements – especially when it comes to other peoples sexualities. Not really okay.”

      Yes, and double-yes. :)

 Leave a Reply