Sep 262012

where is the vaginaI’m continually surprised by the volume of really-fucking-awful sex advice out there on the interwebz. Honestly, who reads this shit? (I mean, besides me.) Wait. Forget that. Who the fuck writes this shit?

Anyway… I came across a link someone tweeted promising advice on how to speed up the time it takes to bring a woman to orgasm with oral sex. I clicked on the link, in part because I’d like to achieve orgasm with my partner in less time than it takes to make a scale reproduction of the Sistine Chapel with dried macaroni, and in part because (apparently,) I’m delusional and masochistic.

The “article” was posted on a blog touting itself as a top love and sex resource. If it’s a top love and sex resource, it must be good, right? I mean, people can’t say they’re the best if they aren’t the best, right?

I scrolled past the teasers for other articles and eagerly began reading, hopeful that I’d glean some magic advice I could pass along to my sub that would enable him to bring me to orgasm faster than a speeding bullet (vibe).

A few sentences into the “article,” I read this:

“When you go down on a woman, kiss her vagina all around and do it slow.”

I guess I can excuse the bad writing. Back in school, while I spent my time learning how to diagram sentences, reading great authors, and polishing my own prose, I imagine the cool kids spent their time learning how to suck and fuck. That’s understandable. We all have our priorities.

But the language error is a little harder to excuse–“…kiss her vagina all around…” Perhaps the sex expert meant to say that you should kiss all around her vaginal opening. Maybe it was just a typographical error, right?

A few sentences later:

“Every time you kiss her vagina, it opens up more and more, revealing her clitoris.”

At that point, I realized the sex “expert” couldn’t be a top love and sex resource because the “expert” has no fucking idea what a vagina is and no clue where it’s located.

For fuck’s sake, unless you have a speculum and a good flashlight, you can’t even really see a woman’s vagina (at least, not much of it). Her vagina is INSIDE her body. You can kiss and lick her clit, her lips, and her vaginal opening, and heck, you can even tongue fuck up into her vagina… but you can’t “kiss” a vagina any more than you can suck on a cervix.

Unless you have extraordinarily dexterous lips, or unless her vaginal opening is SO WIDE that you can get your whole head up in there, it’s impossible to kiss a woman’s vagina.

Next, I imagine the sex expert is going to tell me that when I give a blow job, I should kiss up and down my partner’s urethra… *shudder*


  15 Responses to “where in the world is my vagina?”

  1. Strangely enough, Urethral Kiss was the name of my band in college.

    • @Axe: Your college band was named Urethral Kiss? Based on what I’ve read, that means you’re qualified to write a sex advice column.

      BTW, my band in junior high was Vertical Smile. I am not proud.

      • Surprisingly enough my first instruction on oral sex was a “How to” Instructional Video by Adam & Eve. I was in college, and had the luck to have a girlfriend that wanted to increase our sexual knowledge.

        • @Rga616: I’m assuming that instructional video *did not* show a man with his entire head up inside a woman’s vagina. :)

          Instruction and advice can be awesome, but this particular “resource” was full of fail.

  2. *attempts to make his myspace duck lips more prominent in order to follow this advice*

    Man! Until I read this advice, I thought I knew what I was doing! At least a little bit.

    Looks like I have some practicing to do.

  3. I just peed my pants. Also, I managed to learn how to suck, fuck AND diagram sentences in high school. I’m an excellent multi-tasker.

    • @Nikki Blue: In high school, I got a decent education in sucking, but a lot of my fucking was limited to independent study. :)

  4. I saw some similar crap posted to Tumblr yesterday.
    If this is the advice men are getting, no wonder they suck at it.

    • @Femi: Yeah, that was pretty bad, but at least it made me laugh!

      If anyone ever goes at my clit like a “boxer whacking a speed bag,” I think I’ll just give up on sex altogether.

  5. Oh, you silly. You start by finding a really giant woman or by shrinking yourself really small, either way, so you can climb inside her vagina. From there, you start the kissing and such. As you arouse her and the vagina opens and stops smothering you, you then get access to the outside bits, like the clitoris.

    • @Week Bi Week:

      Oh… tell me more. How do I go about becoming a giant woman?

      Or, how might I go about shrinking my partner down to the proper size for insertion and vaginal kissing? I certainly don’t want to smother him, at least not until he’s done with the kissing.

      I patiently await further instruction…


  6. “Next, I imagine the sex expert is going to tell me that when I give a blow job, I should kiss up and down my partner’s urethra… *shudder*”
    Its probably been done…

 Leave a Reply