I’m continually surprised by the volume of really-fucking-awful sex advice out there on the interwebz. Honestly, who reads this shit? (I mean, besides me.) Wait. Forget that. Who the fuck writes this shit?
Anyway… I came across a link someone tweeted promising advice on how to speed up the time it takes to bring a woman to orgasm with oral sex. I clicked on the link, in part because I’d like to achieve orgasm with my partner in less time than it takes to make a scale reproduction of the Sistine Chapel with dried macaroni, and in part because (apparently,) I’m delusional and masochistic.
The “article” was posted on a blog touting itself as a top love and sex resource. If it’s a top love and sex resource, it must be good, right? I mean, people can’t say they’re the best if they aren’t the best, right?
I scrolled past the teasers for other articles and eagerly began reading, hopeful that I’d glean some magic advice I could pass along to my sub that would enable him to bring me to orgasm faster than a speeding bullet (vibe).
A few sentences into the “article,” I read this:
“When you go down on a woman, kiss her vagina all around and do it slow.”
I guess I can excuse the bad writing. Back in school, while I spent my time learning how to diagram sentences, reading great authors, and polishing my own prose, I imagine the cool kids spent their time learning how to suck and fuck. That’s understandable. We all have our priorities.
But the language error is a little harder to excuse–“…kiss her vagina all around…” Perhaps the sex expert meant to say that you should kiss all around her vaginal opening. Maybe it was just a typographical error, right?
A few sentences later:
“Every time you kiss her vagina, it opens up more and more, revealing her clitoris.”
At that point, I realized the sex “expert” couldn’t be a top love and sex resource because the “expert” has no fucking idea what a vagina is and no clue where it’s located.
For fuck’s sake, unless you have a speculum and a good flashlight, you can’t even really see a woman’s vagina (at least, not much of it). Her vagina is INSIDE her body. You can kiss and lick her clit, her lips, and her vaginal opening, and heck, you can even tongue fuck up into her vagina… but you can’t “kiss” a vagina any more than you can suck on a cervix.
Unless you have extraordinarily dexterous lips, or unless her vaginal opening is SO WIDE that you can get your whole head up in there, it’s impossible to kiss a woman’s vagina.
Next, I imagine the sex expert is going to tell me that when I give a blow job, I should kiss up and down my partner’s urethra… *shudder*