Sep 022012
 

At dinner, J either misheard or misunderstood something I said and he reacted poorly. He hurt my feelings.

While those hurt feelings were nearly matched by anger, my response to him was uncharacteristically level-headed. I told J to go home–to his home, not mine. He left immediately, only to return a few minutes later. He sat and we exchanged more words, none of them all that productive, and I repeated my earlier command. He left again.

I finished my wine and left the restaurant. As I walked to my car, I saw him sitting in his. I found my keys and drove home without him.

My sending him home was half a response to my being hurt and angry and half out of wanting to punish him. I’m not sorry I ended the conversation and went home alone, in large part because I was angry and I probably would have made the situation worse. I know myself well enough to know that I’m not always rational when I’m hurt and angry. If I had invited him back to my place, I might have said something far more stupid and hurtful than he said to me–I’d be the one having to make apologies today. I needed time to cool off.

Besides all of that, some part of me was punishing him for being so careless with my feelings. I was glad to learn he recognized it as a punishment. It was.

But still, sending J home means I missed out on time with him. I probably won’t get to see him again for a couple of weeks.

I recognize this is one of the problems that comes with a driving distance relationship, particularly one wherein I’m unwilling to administer punishments that would waste my time and his. I’d rather not see him at all than waste our time together.

But of course, refusing to see him means… well, it means I didn’t get to see him. That sucks.

In the end, the details of the misunderstanding are unimportant. Despite some bruised feelings, we’re fine. I’ve said my own share of stupid, hurtful things in the past and J has always responded to my apologies with grace, understanding, and forgiveness. I admire that about him, and I’ve decided to follow his lead. He apologized sincerely and I forgave him (also sincerely), and all is well now.

But still… a missed night? Missed time together? I’m sure it hurts him, but it hurts me too.

  14 Responses to “missed opportunity”

  1. #DumbDomme [I] was punishing him for being so careless with my feelings-glad to learn he recognized it as a punishment http://t.co/W6oaVCrl

  2. Sending him off with his “tail between his legs” might work for now…but what will you do if your relationship becomes more than occasional (weekends) ? “Cross that river when you get to it” ?

    • @dave smith: “what will you do if your relationship becomes more than occasional (weekends) ? “Cross that river when you get to it” ?”

      One of the reasons I hate the idea of punishments now is because we don’t have a lot of time together. If I punish, it wastes the little bit of time we do have.

      If we ever get to the point we see each other more often, I’d feel a lot better punishments in general! I’d be willing to punish because time wouldn’t be as precious to us as it is now. I’d feel okay about refusing to play for an evening because we’d have another evening after that to enjoy each others company.

      At this stage in our driving-distance relationship, refusing to play might “work” in the sense that it gets the message across. Ultimately, though, it doesn’t work for me because refusing to play punishes me too much.

  3. I’ll take your word that sending him home was the best option to handle it, but I wish for your sake it hadn’t been. I’m glad you were both able to move forward from it, but it sucks that you both had to miss out on each other’s company.

    • @Neophyte:

      “I’ll take your word that sending him home was the best option to handle it,”

      It was the best option for me. I have no doubt that a more experienced and/or better Domme would have figured out a better option.

      I know myself well enough to know I had only two options–ignore it completely, or send him home. I wasn’t capable of pulling off anything in between, and I couldn’t ignore it, so I went home alone.

      It sucks, but it was the only viable option at the time.

      Strangely enough, it is growth for me. Months ago, I would have kept my mouth shut in the moment, and I would have either never handled it or I would have stewed over it and blew it out of proportion at a later date.

      It’s not much growth, but it’s something. :)

  4. posted: “missed opportunity,” in which both of us are punished, http://t.co/tTbKmnGk

  5. “I have no doubt that a more experienced and/or better Domme would have figured out a better option.

    With all respect, I don’t believe this to be the case, It’s not your “Dommlieness”, or lack thereof, that is at work here, but rather a relationship issue that you handled in the way you thought best at the time. OK, after thinking about it for a while, you may have decided that you could have handled it better but don’t think that you have, in some way “failed” as a Domme.

    It was a positive learning experience for both of you… Just my opinion. :-D

    • @slapshot: “you may have decided that you could have handled it better but don’t think that you have, in some way “failed” as a Domme.”

      You’re absolutely right. I don’t see it as a failure. It was the best I could do at the time and it’s the most I am capable of at this stage in my development. While I’m certain there were better ways to handle it, it’s the best I could have done.

      For that, I’m happy(ish). :)

  6. I’m glad it ended with quick meaningful forgiving and no further anger. Consider it an evening for ‘growing’ (because no way either of you are gonna let that happen again!)

    Hmmmm it’s making me wonder about the origins of the word ‘forgiving’… given he was supposed to be giving and you getting last night. :) (okay too early on a Sunday for word stuff).

  7. I am practicing forgiving & letting it go. Not keeping it as ammo to use in the future. I am reluctant to say ‘I forgive you’ yet though :-( I accept his apology but I’m afraid I’ll say “I forgive you” & then bring it up again.

    • @Elsie: “I am practicing forgiving & letting it go. Not keeping it as ammo to use in the future. I am reluctant to say ‘I forgive you’ yet though :-( I accept his apology but I’m afraid I’ll say “I forgive you” & then bring it up again.”

      Yes but… ! :) Forgiving and letting go is all well and good until the person makes the same damn mistake again. While sometimes it makes me feel stupid in the moment, in my more rational head, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to bring up past transgressions when they’re exactly like the one you’re working through in the moment.

      In other words, if a boy promises to pick up the dry cleaning, forgets, apologizes, and never does it again, then sure. You shouldn’t bring it up again. However, if the boy promises, forgets, apologizes, then does it again and again and again, I think it should be brought up. It’s relevant.

      With all of that said, I get what I think you’re saying. I have a tendency to bring up past issues, but honestly, they fall under the same “mental category,” and so I (sometimes) feel justified in bringing them up again.

      I dunno. I just wish boys didn’t fuck up. I wish I didn’t fuck up either. *sigh*

      • After I told the boy 3 times that the toaster gets returned to the shelf straight away. It is an open metal shelf so there is no issue with the toaster being hot. This morning it was still on the countertop after he had sat down to eat his toast. He is not allowed eat toast here for a week. If that doesn’t teach him I will stop buying bread. If he can’t put away the toaster he can’t have toast!

        I will forgive and let go of the stuff that can be let go of.

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