I started to write something on desire after rereading Lacan’s discussion of the object petit, but when I couldn’t organize my thoughts, I abandoned the draft. A few weeks later, I came across a post about fantasy on “My Dissolute Life” wherein N. Likes deconstructed his “core fantasy” to “understand just why, and how, it works.” It motivated me to return to my draft and attempt to articulate how desire feels different in my current (D/s) relationship than it did in my previous relationships.
Ultimately, I hypothesized that my desire for my submissive is out of a want to consume him. It’s more than a desire to be with him — it’s a desire to possess him, a desire to consume him. In other words, I want him so fucking much that I have to have him, every part of him, in whatever way I want him… right now.
Recently, both Axe (of “Unspeakable Axe“) and Peroxide (of “Submissive in Seattle“) discussed desire within their larger discussions about forms of play they don’t enjoy. (If you don’t already know, Axe and Peroxide both identify as submissive men.) While Axe wrote about why he isn’t into cuckolding and Peroxide wrote about why he isn’t interested in denial, their rationales for disliking those forms of play are very similar — it all boils down to their want be desired (and feel desired) by their dominant partners.
Both men want to be desired and want to feel their dominant partner’s desire for them. In other words, their desire is to be desired. And so, forms of play that make them feel undesirable or undesired don’t turn them on.
While I’m on the other side of the D/s slash, denial and cuckolding don’t interest me either, for many of the reasons Axe and Peroxide suggest (implicitly and explicitly). Like them, for me it all comes back to desire. The activities I enjoy are those that enact my desire for my submissive partner. Practices like denial and cuckolding enact the polar opposite of desire (at least they would for me). Engaging in activities that don’t represent my desire would not only turn me off, they’d also feel dishonest.
If you’ll indulge me, I’m going to break down a few things that appeals to me and a few that don’t, and I’ll attempt to explain why it’s all linked to various kinds of desire — my desires and my submissive’s desires.
Denial = Not hot
As a general or long-term means to control a submissive, denial isn’t something that appeals to me. I don’t want to deny my submissive contact, intimacy, play, sex, or orgasm for a number of reasons. First, and most importantly, I like all of those things! I like physical/emotional intimacy, I like play and sex, and I like his orgasms. Denying him any of those things would mean denying myself, and self-denial isn’t something I’m into. Second, part of what (I hope) makes me the kind of dominant I am is that I want to ensure my submissive’s physical and emotional needs are being met. In terms of when and how they’re fulfilled, his needs may be secondary to mine, but they’re no less important. (Okay, maybe a little less important, but only a little).
Orgasm control and tease/denial “games” = Hot!
Controlling the boy’s orgasms is lots of fun and a huge turn on for me. However, my brand of orgasm control is more like “don’t orgasm without permission,” or working towards training him to associate a command with release, or “forcing” him to orgasm in a way he doesn’t particularly enjoy. Besides that, my preferred tease and denial “games” are just that — games. They’re only ever short term, in the context of a scene, an evening, or maybe over a couple of days. But, during a scene that involves tease and denial, there’s still lots of physical contact, lots of play (play that doesn’t include his orgasm), and lots of intimacy. I may flirt with being cold and callous in a particular scene, but that’s within the context of an established, warm, loving relationship. (Yeah, I know that doesn’t seem to make sense, but it does… at least I think it does.)
Cuckolding = Not hot
Cuckolding, or otherwise insulting, devaluing, humiliating, and/or generally making my partner feel bad about himself — none of those things turn me on. They aren’t appealing. In fact, the thought of doing any of them makes me cringe. I enjoy inflicting pain, but that isn’t the sort of pain I’m into giving. I’m a physical sadist — not an emotional one. I wouldn’t enjoy being emotionally sadistic because I like my boy — pretending otherwise would feel dishonest. My submissive is intelligent, talented, and proud, but he’s also big and strong and stereotypically masculine. I’m attracted to all of those things–those qualities and characteristics are desirable to me. More than a turn off, making him feel undesirable would feel like lying. I’m not even sure I could pretend he was undesirable, even if I wanted to.
Thinking about my submissive watching me with another sub = Hot!
While cuckolding is a turn off, I have fantasized about my submissive watching me play with someone else. In my fantasies, my sub watches me dominate and fuck another male-sub or a female-sub (sometimes there’s one of each!). But in that scenario, my submissive isn’t a cuckold — he’s an observer (a turned on and mildly jealous observer). He watches and he might be told to participate in some way, but not in any way that humiliates him or makes him feel bad about himself.
Sure, having an audience might be fun, but I’m pretty sure the idea turns me on because in my fantasy, my submissive not only enjoys watching, but he’s also jealous. He’s not fly-off-the-handle jealous or jealous in a way that makes him feel less desired, but jealous in a way that reinforces my desirability. I enjoy being the object of desire and I enjoy being the inspiration for measured jealousy because it reminds me I’m valued and wanted. The appeal of my sub watching me play with another sub is that it makes me feel good about myself — not that it makes my sub feel bad about himself.
In the end, everyone — kinky or vanilla — is motivated by some form of desire. My desire is for my partner — to possess him and consume him; and also, for his emotional well-being, his physical/sexual satisfaction, and for the pleasure his mind and body can provide me.
Sure, I want him to feel good about himself because I love him. But I also want him to feel good about being wanted by me (I don’t want just any old submissive that comes down the line). I want him to be proud of his submission to me because I’m worthy of his submission (I’m far from perfect, but I’m a good dominant and a good partner).
While all of those things demonstrate that I desire him, ultimately, they reinforce the notion that I’m desirable.
(And in the end, it’s really all about me, isn’t it?) :)