Aug 152012
 

My first blog post was one year ago today. On the occasion of my year anniversary, I give you numbers, words, and the self-centered rambling you’ve come to expect.

Numbers:

106,773 – number of words written (approximately)
249 – number of posts published
52 – number of posts unpublished (drafted, unfinished, and/or possibly abandoned)
6  – number of shoes I’ve broken since I started the blog
2 – number of posts published and later deleted

Word Frequency Cloud (top 150)

Ramblings:

most frequently used words (top 20, selected)

I started writing here for the same reason lots of other people write blogs–to learn, to converse, to share, to reveal, to process, and to figure things out. Besides that, I’d like to think I’m funny, clever, interesting, and a fairly good writer, and I enjoy showing off those parts of myself.

A few months in, I realized I had a little bit of an audience and that’s when the attention whore in my kicked into high gear. I like the little bit of attention I get here–I like hearing that posts make people laugh, make them feel better about their own mistakes, and sometimes even made them feel all hot and bothered (ok, maybe just warm and anxious?).

Most of the time, I feel pretty good about what’s here, why it’s here, and what I get out of it.

But sometimes I don’t feel good about those things. At times, it’s made me too self-centered and it’s made me over-think things I shouldn’t worry about or dwell on. I’ve felt overexposed for revealing too much to people I’ve never met and I’ll never really know. I worry about how I present myself and my relationship and question my motivations for approaching certain topics in the way that I do.

I question what I’m doing here, particularly in those moments when I get so wrapped up in being read, understood, and praised–despite the fact I have no real message and no meaningful purpose. Sometimes I write simply because I have something clever to say and I want whatever attention comes from putting it out there into the world. That isn’t always healthy for me.

While there’s very little danger that I’ll stop writing, I have to figure out how to change or get over what I don’t like about writing here.

Wow. I’m a bit of a bummer today, aren’t I?

Okay… fuck all of that. On the whole, I’m happy about what “Dumb Domme” has been over the past year–I’ve figured out some stuff about myself, I’ve learned a lot from other writers and readers, and I’ve “met” a few new people I now consider friends.

So, will you raise a glass with me in celebration of a year’s worth of ramblings, relationship issues, embarrassing moments, and hot sex?

(Vodka tonic, please. As if you had to ask…)

  35 Responses to “one year”

  1. A man got to have a code.

    So do bloggers.

    I had it easy; I’d been writing online for over a decade by the time I started writing about sex, so I had plenty of experience with figuring out my boundaries. But figuring out what you will write and won’t write in a way that’s consistent with your values is pretty much key to keeping the whole thing both kosher and enjoyable.

    • @Lily: “figuring out my boundaries.”

      Yeah, I don’t think I’ve figured that out yet. Worse than that, I don’t know when I’ve crossed a boundary until I’ve already crossed it. Hindsight is… well, you know.

      • Yeah. Fortunately I did a lot of that in the bliss of obscurity.

        Stuff that was useful to me:

        1. Rigorously separate what you know from what you think you know. Don’t conflate fact and opinion. Make two separate posts if you have to.

        Then, in my vanilla blogging life, I had:

        The Bus Stop Rule: I never blog something about someone else that I wouldn’t tell a friendly stranger at a bus stop.

        Now, the big problem with transitioning to sex blogging is that it’s impossible for me to talk about my sex life without talking about someone else’s sex life. So it’s not as neat and tidy.

        I do know some people who are really committed to their freedom to write; their basic attitude is: “If you don’t wanna get written about, don’t fuck writers.”

        Me personally, I’m willing to make some compromises. So:

        1. While there’s no security through obscurity, my partners prefer the level of privacy that using a pseudonym affords. But they do know they’re being written about and they do know there’s some degree of privacy risk.
        2. I don’t settle arguments online. If I write about a conflict, it’s only after it is settled.
        3. I talk to Bryce and Holly about whether there’s anything specifically they do NOT want to see on my blog.
        4. This one’s specific to being poly, but: I don’t write about Holly and Bryce’s relationships with anyone else other than me.

        • @Lily: “Rigorously separate what you know from what you think you know. Don’t conflate fact and opinion. Make two separate posts if you have to.”

          I’m not sure I understand what you mean here? Lots of my posts are speculation, introspection, and interpretation–trying to figure out what I know, what I think, what I feel (and whether or not any of those things are meaningful or important). If I only posted about what I know, I wouldn’t have a heck of a lot to say.

          “my partners prefer the level of privacy that using a pseudonym affords. But they do know they’re being written about and they do know there’s some degree of privacy risk.”

          Yeah, J still doesn’t know. I have gone back and forth about telling him, but not because of any risk to his privacy–more because I’ve been feeling strange about not sharing some of this stuff with him. It’s not like I keep stuff from him, but the way I approach things here are WAY different than the way I approach them with him (sometimes).

          “I don’t settle arguments online. If I write about a conflict, it’s only after it is settled.”

          That’s not a problem because J doesn’t read. I actually have mentioned conflicts and problems, but only to figure out whether I’m in the wrong/nuts in the head/etc.

          “This one’s specific to being poly, but: I don’t write about Holly and Bryce’s relationships with anyone else other than me.”

          If I find out J’s got another relationship, I’ll remove his junk and hang it from my rearview mirror. :)

  2. also

    DUMB DOMME

    Y U BREAK SO MANY SHOES?

  3. Yes, yes, yes. Sometimes I wish no one read what I wrote. Not really, but really. I guess that is why journals are supposed to be private? But, of course, the interactions with others have taught me much.

    However, I have noticed that there is this tendency to get angry (by me) when I think I can’t say something on my blog. Of course, all self inflicted, but still the emotions are convoluted. I have to remind myself that just because the internet is there, it doesn’t mean that I have to fill it.

    However, an anonymous sex blog is the closest I have ever come to showing all the sides of me.

    Pic above is hilarious by the way.

    • @Kitty: In as much as I started the blog for me, I don’t think I’ve ever posted anything I wished no one would read. I guess I do have some limits!

      I don’t ever feel angry for what I can’t post… more like angry that I have nothing to post or don’t know how to coherently write about what’s on my mind.

      Interesting stuff–you’re thinking is way different than mine, but equally problematic, I imagine.

      Cheers to blogaversaries and blogadversities? :)

  4. Congratulations! Please never stop writing. If there’s no chance of that then rest assured that I will always read. Even if it’s only about your shoe busting and/or personal grooming gone awry. Trust me, sweetheart, I’ll still be laughing my ass off. xoxo

    • Well, then, I’ll stop writing only after I decide to let my bush grow wild and decide to forgo shoes and just go barefoot. (Basically, when I withdraw from society and move into a shack in the mountains… ) :)

  5. Congratulations! I have the problem of having written a bunch of intensely personal stuff for the last (nearly) year and now it’s out there and.. I’m meeting people. Perhaps. Can I handle that? I dunno. But you’ve certainly made an awesome year of your blog here.

    • Thanks, Conina. Un/fortunately, I don’t suffer the problem of meeting people. When I go out, I don’t let on that I have a blog… perhaps that’s an idea for you, too. (although, it was FUCKING AWESOME to hear about my blog in a conversation when the person didn’t know he was talking to the author of said blog… the secret nearly made me pee myself!).

  6. You wrote: “I question what I’m doing here,…–despite the fact I have no real message and no meaningful purpose” . Maybe you’re trying to organize your thoughts?

    I agree with Lilly’s comment about not posting intimate details about others in your poly family unless they agree to it. Is it possible you are “protecting” J (although he doesn’t read your blog, he may someday learn of it)? As a guy, I would be interested in J’s thinking, too.

    I was a late joiner but I like what I’ve read so far.

    • @dave smith: “you’re trying to organize your thoughts?”

      That doesn’t seem like a worthy purpose (I could do it in a private diary, after all), and it certainly isn’t a message.

      “I agree with Lilly’s comment about not posting intimate details about others in your poly family unless they agree to it. “

      For the purpose of clarity, I’m not poly (not monogamous, but not poly either). Also, I don’t think Lily considers herself as being in a poly family. I just think she’s poly. (Lily, correct me if I’m wrong on that)

      “Is it possible you are “protecting” J”

      No. Not at all. I think I’m careful about presenting the truth–admitting as much of my own error as is honest. He’s a big boy and doesn’t need protection from me. I think he’d be hurt if I misrepresented him, but I really don’t think I’ve done that. I’ve been honest about his shortcomings, and certainly, about my own.

      “As a guy, I would be interested in J’s thinking, too. “

      I have thought it might be interesting to get his perspective, but then I fear the blog turning into a he said/she said more than a coherent narrative. Plus, I’m not sure he’d feel feel as comfortable as I do writing publicly, nor do I think he would want to.

      As always, thanks for your thoughts, Dave. It’s nice to know I’m being read, heard, and considered. :)

  7. Congrats on your one year!! I love what you’ve done, and are doing here, so I’m glad you aren’t planning to stop anytime soon.

    Coincidentally, I was just talking to someone about issues with blogging in terms of personal content yesterday. I have various posts whining about it, but the short story is that after I found myself single, my blog became much more of a minefield. Writing about my own boy and having him read it was easy because our communication was good and like Lily said above, I wouldn’t write about difficult topics until we had resolved it and it was in the past. Simple.

    However now that I am single, I am stymied in what I write in a lot of ways because my blog is not anonymous, and anyone who I meet will know it and this makes writing about potentials fraught for many reasons. The result is that I only really do it in the vaguest terms. It’s frustrating at times because I lose that ability to be brutally honest, to analyse, and poke at things because often what goes on in my own head is purely internal railing, ranting, dreaming, bitching etc. Instead of stomping all over that in big boots, I tiptoe, and I think that makes it less valuable to me.

    See how I made this comment all about me?!! Me me MEEEEE!!!

    I will totally have a drink or two or six to celebrate!!

    Ferns

    • @Ferns: “after I found myself single, my blog became much more of a minefield.”

      It’s for that reason that at the few parties/munches/events I’ve been to, I haven’t revealed that I have a blog. I’d rather be a participant-observer than a source of publicity (for better or worse?) or a reporter. Perhaps I don’t feel as comfortable talking about my experiences at events because I have no real connections to the people I meet there. In some way, representing my relationship with J feels more honest and ethical to me because I’m an active participant.

      “The result is that I only really do it in the vaguest terms. “

      Is that because you’re meeting people through your blog or because you’re being upfront about having one? I say, fuck the details, meet people, and post whatever you want. I’m actually a little saddened to hear that you’re censoring yourself. I’d rather have full frontal Ferns… :)

      “Me me MEEEEE!!!”

      Of course it’s all about you!

      “I will totally have a drink or two or six to celebrate!!”

      How many are you up to now? I’ve lost count…

      • “Is that because you’re meeting people through your blog or because you’re being upfront about having one?”

        I find all of my submissives online either via BDSM sites (where I have my blog linked) or, more recently, via my blog directly.

        I *could* of course, unlink my blog from those sites, but then I reduce my chances of attracting what I want. I actively *want* to attract the kind of man who would read my blog and go ‘oh fucking hell yes please!!”

        “I say, fuck the details, meet people, and post whatever you want.”

        Yeah, it *sounds* great in theory, but when I have a lovely potential man who is twisting up all in my head for whatever reason, then it’s unfair to both of us to post things that I have no intention of discussing with him. And fleeting moments are often just that, and the “OMG, Must. Have. Now!” or “STFU, idiot!” thoughts don’t necessarily *mean* anything in the scheme of things, but once they are on the page, they become something concrete.

        So yeah, nup, not doing it.

        “I’m actually a little saddened to hear that you’re censoring yourself. I’d rather have full frontal Ferns…”

        Me too. I *often want to write about things… *itching… to… write… it…*!!! But, I don’t.

        Ferns

        As an aside, I’ve never met a partner ‘in the community’, it’s not my thing, but the first time I went to the local munch a while ago, the organiser pimped my blog (she invited me via FL and knew about it already) but even if she hadn’t, everyone at those things asks ‘what’s your FL nick?’ as a way of staying in touch, so they’d have seen it. Even my local BDSM shop owner knows about my blog (freaked me the fuck out when he mentioned it to me when I was in his store, because ‘WTF?!! How the fuck do you know who I am?!!’) Trust me, the world is small.

  8. HAPPY BLOG BIRTHDAY!!!

    I’d like to think I’m funny, clever, interesting, and fairly good writer,

    Yes! You are all of these things and I’ve enjoyed rummaging through your past year of posts to find little bits of written nuggets.

    While there’s very little danger that I’ll stop writing,

    This is s good thing. Not only do I enjoy reading what you write, but I like the interplay between you and your readers. I also admire anyone who has the discipline to consistently maintain a written account of their lives. I have, at times, thought of starting a blog of my own but I think that I would lose interest in it rather quickly.

    Anyway, congratulations on your first year! I warm and anxious to read more… Oh yeah, as far as the drink goes, this is a perfect excuse to finish this 12 pack that has been rotting away in my fridge since this morning… l’chaim!!!

    • @slapshot: “I’ve enjoyed rummaging through your past year of posts to find little bits of written nuggets. “

      Heathen! You’re looking at my nuggets?!? Shame on you! :)

      “I have, at times, thought of starting a blog of my own but I think that I would lose interest in it rather quickly.”

      I thought the same about myself… but… you know… a year and all! Do eeet! If you abandon it, you abandon it. So? Do eet. I’d love to read!

      “this is a perfect excuse to finish this 12 pack “

      Excuse? No excuses needed. In fact, I demand it! Cheers, friend!

  9. Great post. I like the “Like/Want/Know” highlights in your world cloud. It’s always fun to reflect on a year of writing.

  10. Congratulations on one year. I know it can be a challenge sometime to find the time to do this. But there are strange and unexpected rewards.

    Mick

  11. Congrats on your first blog-versary! Slainté, salut, etc. I guess being late to the thread makes me the DD (ha!).

    I hope you keep writing, because it helps me figure things out, too. :) (self-centered much, me? Never!)

    Also loving the bit about hearing someone talk about your blog. Secret identity time! *throws ninja powder, makes like a ninja*

    • @DomDomme:

      Thanks, lady! Actually, you’re being self-centered helps me feel less self-centered, so thank you for that! Also, if you have any extra ninja powder, can you send some my way?

      *trips over shoe, makes like clumsy ninja-reject*

      • I don’t think it’s self-centered to share your experiences. It helps others *coughcough* learn. And you know what they say…sharing is caring. ;)

        *hands you ninja powder, trips over broken shoe*

  12. Mubaarak! (not the Egyptian dude, just the Arabic word) I guess saying congrats would’ve been simpler :) Us slaves always go overboard to please/impress a Domme/Dom.

    I love your blog – long may it continue. I get what you are saying about the audience, however. My only audience issue is the audience of one – my Dom, Meneer. Since he has been officially reading my blog, I haven’t quite felt as “free” to express myself and I get annoyed that although I am writing to vent/overthink/whatever, I am in essence writing for his eyes and secretly wanting his approval. That’s probably why he started reading it – insisting – to push me beyond my boundaries of openness and honesty. Being open and honest with strangers, who I will never meet, is really really easy. Telling him that I feel vulnerable, not so much!

    Again, awesome awesome blog! J is one hell of a lucky guy!!!

    x

    • @Nicki: “Mubaarak! (not the Egyptian dude, just the Arabic word)”

      Shukran(?)

      ” I am in essence writing for his eyes and secretly wanting his approval”

      A lot of the time I feel very similar–sometimes I’m writing for readers more than I’m writing for me, and of course, not-so-secretly wanting approval. :)

      ” Being open and honest with strangers, who I will never meet, is really really easy.”

      And here’s another place where my insecurities show through–it isn’t always easy for me because I live in fear of being wrong, saying something stupid without knowing it, and I fear judgment. I know that’s crappy, but I can’t help it.

      “Again, awesome awesome blog! J is one hell of a lucky guy!!!”

      Thank you, Nicki! That’s really sweet of you and I appreciate it more than you know. :) (wait, maybe you do since I just said I LOVE approval!)

  13. Dear D,

    I enjoyed the frank and open honesty in this post. Most bloggers have a hard time actually admitting that they’re in it for the ego, but isn’t that what motivates us ALL (whether we’re bloggers or not)?

    I’ve followed you for quite a while because you DO write very well, and have risen self deprecating humor to an art form, but something has always bothered me a bit….

    Oftentimes, the situations and dialog seems a “bit too perfect”. You know how in a typical sitcom, one character might exit a room a millisecond before another character enters? That never happens in real life but that’s the impression I sometimes get with the experiences you relate here (“self bondage fail” springs to mind, though there have been many others).

    All good writers take poetic license with embellishments etc, but I’m often left wondering where fact leaves off and fiction takes over. Though I must say, you always leave me smiling in the end.

    Best,

    Michael

    • Michael:

      “Most bloggers have a hard time actually admitting that they’re in it for the ego, but isn’t that what motivates us ALL (whether we’re bloggers or not)?”

      No, I think some people do it to force themselves to get their thoughts out and to help others. I’m not exactly one of those people (at least, not anymore).

      “I’ve followed you for quite a while because you DO write very well, and have risen self deprecating humor to an art form,”

      Thank you. :)

      “but something has always bothered me a bit… Oftentimes, the situations and dialog seems a “bit too perfect”. You know how in a typical sitcom, one character might exit a room a millisecond before another character enters? That never happens in real life but that’s the impression I sometimes get with the experiences you relate here (“self bondage fail” springs to mind, though there have been many others).”

      I’m sorry it bothers you, but I’m sure you probably already realize that I don’t write down the dialogue as it happens. :) So, sure, the dialogue is from my memory (and for that matter, so is the action). And of course I take out things that are boring, things I don’t want to share, too-identifying information, etc. Of course I make the narrative more coherent and understandable–otherwise, my writing would suck.

      “All good writers take poetic license with embellishments etc, but I’m often left wondering where fact leaves off and fiction takes over. Though I must say, you always leave me smiling in the end.”

      There’s not much I can do about that. Wonder away, my friend. :) With that said, I’m glad you end up smiling in the end.

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