Aug 192012
 

He took every abuse I administered. He consumed my violence with the same want, willingness, and grace with which he consumes my kindness and my kisses.

At what was supposed to be the end of the evening, after he had opened up and offered himself, he rested on his side, restrained at the wrists and ankles.

I lay down next to him and our contrasts came into sharp focus. He was naked, bound, and had given all he had. I was clothed, unrestrained, and had taken everything I wanted.

I expected his exhaustion, blurry edges, and some sort of vacant relief.

Instead, I turned towards him and my eyes met the sweetest smile and the most eager, clear, beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen.

My breath caught in my throat and I had to look away to spare myself (to spare both of us) the flood of feeling. Looking away didn’t help. My lower lip began to quiver and stinging tears threatened to escape their boundaries.

(Here’s the thing: I don’t cry. I rarely cry. I have nothing against it–it’s not some point of pride. I just don’t.)

Last night, I was so close to tears that it frightened me. I can’t quite explain it other than to say I felt broken. Not generally broken, but broke open, raw and exposed. He’s supposed to be the one who breaks–not me. Yet, I felt like I was breaking. The love of him (and the want for him) threatened to melt me completely. It was overwhelming. He is overwhelming–his beauty, his submission, his devotion, and his willingness to be mine. He nearly breaks me with his want to be taken, his want to be had.

I love him for it. Hard.

But I’m also selfish and self-centered in ways I wish I wasn’t.

In the moments after fighting tears, I realized how much I envy him. I envy him for his ability to inspire such a torrent of emotions in another human being. I’m jealous of how much he is loved. To be the object of such maddening want, such violent fascination, and such possessive love–I can’t imagine being so loved and wanted. As it is, my mind and body are barely capable of processing what I feel for him. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to be him, to be the object of so much emotion.

 


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  19 Responses to “almost broken”

  1. I know this feeling. Isn’t it amazing how fragile you feel as the Top when this happens? I have always said and firmly that the submissive has all the power, that their role in the dynamic is much more difficult, that they are the ones who show all the strength. Yet so many only see the physical. They don’t understand.

    This hit home with me and hard.

    I hope your landing from Topspace was a soft one, but based on what I read I somehow doubt that.

    • @Scot: “amazing how fragile you feel as the Top when this happens?”

      It’s amazing how fragile it feels as a human! You know, I sort of slammed a friend of mine about whether BDSM is “spiritual.” While I stand by my statement that it doesn’t feel spiritual to me, there is something about connectivity and catharsis and play that I find difficult to explain. It isn’t spiritual, but it’s something more than physical… that’s for sure.

      “I have always said and firmly that the submissive has all the power, that their role in the dynamic is much more difficult, that they are the ones who show all the strength.”

      I agree with this in a lot of ways, although I might use different words to explain it. I guess I’d say that my submissive’s strength is in his willingness to be weak and open. That’s a type of strength and courage I don’t possess (and I guess, that’s another thing I envy about him). I couldn’t take opening up the way he does, I couldn’t take the use and abuse, I’m not strong enough.

      I’ve said it before–here or elsewhere–sometimes it hits me hard in those moments when I have no idea which of us in more in control of the other.

      “I hope your landing from Topspace was a soft one,”

      Interesting! I wouldn’t have called this a topspace… perhaps it was? Or maybe it was the coming down? I don’t know that I can distinguish between the emotions yet, and goodness knows I can’t articulate them well.

  2. It must be exhausting for you to have gone through with this. How do you feel about him now?

    • “It must be exhausting for you to have gone through with this.”

      I’m not sure what you mean. Gone through with what? I didn’t plan on having some damp catharsis… it just sorta happened. Don’t worry though, I squished it all down and out of sight!’

      “How do you feel about him now?”

      On the whole, no different than I felt about him before. My level of obsession swings wildly. Sometimes I’m more invested, interested, and enamored than others. In my experience, it’s the nature of a “driving distance” relationship. There are periods of hot, intense burn, and also, periods of lukewarm, damp, stagnancy.

      Experiencing that particular emotion (whatever it was… love? jealousy?) didn’t make me feel any different about him. I still love him, still want him, still want to fuck him sideways, into the wall, to the point of tears (his, not mine)… it’s just that those emotions manifest more at some times than others. It’s the nature of the thing, for better or worse.

  3. Oh, damn. This is beautiful. As usual, I want to worship your words.

    This is just one of the experiences that makes D/s so much more of a truly close connection that I, personally, could never see happening in a vanilla relationship. At least, nothing like this.

    • I do see you’re point there. I guess I’m worried about (somewhere down the road) being into someone who isn’t into D/s and finding out that something is missing. That would suck.

      • Yes, that would suck. But hey, you’re happy now. And even though you know this relationship won’t last forever, it’s not good worrying about something that may or may not happen somewhere in the future. :)

  4. This is candid, and beautiful, and thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing.

  5. This was absolutely beautiful, raw, uninhibited emotion. We all crave for things like this. In life, in relationships…in ourselves.

  6. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to be him

    Oh I so agree! I always feel a bit like that after a hard play night. To look at him and see the love and devotion emanating from him after I’ve put him through the ringer still astounds me.

    • Generally, my boy just gets kinda incoherent and dreamy-looking (which I love), but this time he was altogether different… it actually choked me up a little. Sweet boy. :)

  7. To be the object of such maddening want, such violent fascination, and such possessive love–I can’t imagine being so loved and wanted. As it is, my mind and body are barely capable of processing what I feel for him. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to be him, to be the object of so much emotion.

    The love of him (and the want for him) threatened to melt me completely. It was overwhelming. He is overwhelming–his beauty, his submission, his devotion, and his willingness to be mine.

    This was such a raw, tender, and frankly, terrifying piece! Then again, perhaps kinksters do what they do because it takes them deeper and harder than non-kinky interactions. :)

    I wonder, though, if, being so thrown off balance, you aren’t missing what it must be like to view yourself through his eyes? (Now that would be an interesting exercise for you to make him do, ha!) :)

    I always wonder what goes on in submissives’ heads, what they’re thinking. I’d think that he loves you as intensely and all-consumingly as you do him at that moment; not that I would know know, but I’m trying to imagine what it would be like from the other side.

    (now, hoping I didn’t completely louse up the tags…!)

    • “This was such a raw, tender, and frankly, terrifying piece!”

      It is a little terrifying! I don’t like almost-crying. (I guess I can blame him, right? He made me almost-cry! Bastard!)

      “I wonder, though, if, being so thrown off balance, you aren’t missing what it must be like to view yourself through his eyes? (Now that would be an interesting exercise for you to make him do, ha!)”

      Yeah, maybe not. The boy is excellent with sweet notes (and getting better at knowing when I need them). However, when I put him on the spot, it’s not so good. I get that… it’s easier for me to write something or say something when I feel it. Besides all that, he’s been here before with other dominant women. He’s my first submissive boy… there’s something special about your first. :)

      “I’d think that he loves you as intensely and all-consumingly as you do him at that moment”

      I hope so! But I have a feeling he’s just lost to the world at that moment… or just slutty. I’ll take any of the above. :)

  8. Wow. Beautiful, poignant, heartfelt and raw.

    I have felt this exact thing, but as a – as *his* – his submissive. Loving and desiring and *needing* him so deeply and desperately it is like an obsession. It is joyful and fierce and such a full feeling I cannot imagine trying to squelch it. (And yet, sometimes, I do.) And yet it is also painful in the realization that I, too, wish to be him in those moments sometimes. The one loved and wanted and needed to obsession.

    • @Jade: Thank you for the sweet comment! It’s lovely to hear things from the other side of the slash. I only hope that my submissive feels it as hard as I do. :)

  9. I love how open and honest this is. Beautiful, really!

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