Jul 162012
 

I’ve been thinking more about my response to the question of whether I’ve ever fantasized about submitting.

While I stand by response–no, I don’t fantasize about being submissive–I have to admit, I am curious about whether giving up some measure of control might help with my orgasm difficulties. [A quick recap if you aren’t familiar: I have difficulty coming to orgasm with a partner. If you’re interested, read more here.]

WeekBiWeek’s comment on my previous post spoke to some of the issues that have been bouncing around in my head:

“There are certain pleasures that one cannot give oneself (the old adage, “You can’t tickle yourself”), like teasing. Being bound increases my chances of being pleased and teased properly, without my interfering it and ruining it for myself, but does not make me suddenly submissive to the person who is providing me the desired pleasures.”

Her comment highlights two issues: 1) whether I might increase my chance for pleasure (i.e., orgasm!) if I ask my partner to “top” me in the way I fantasized about in “tease me,” and 2) the degree to which asking my partner to top me might be felt as an act of (my) submission–to me, to my partner, or to us both.

I have thought about whether I might be more likely to orgasm with a partner if wasn’t stymied by my own physical and mental intervention. Part of my orgasm problem is that I’m too stuck in my own head–I think too much about whether or not it will happen, how much discomfort I’m causing, how long it’s taking, what treatment for a sprained tongue might entail, etc. It’s certainly not J’s problem. I swear his mouth is magic–he knows what he’s doing and he enjoys doing it. It’s my problem. I can’t seem to let go enough to allow him do what he does so well.

For that reason, I’ve wondered whether being restrained would allow me to get out of my own head long enough to let go. I’d have to be physically restrained so I couldn’t stop him or move away, and I’d probably have to be gagged so I wouldn’t have to think about giving feedback and so I wouldn’t be able to demand he stop. If I wasn’t able to move and had no ability to speak, it might force me to turn off my brain and allow me to focus on how good it feels.

The idea of being able to quiet my head and enjoy J’s attention is a huge turn-on in a dreamy, desperate sort of way. But what it might take to get there–being restrained, gagged, and giving him full responsibility for my pleasure–I have mixed feelings about all of that. It’s not that I don’t trust him and it’s not that I’m unwilling to give up some control (I think?)… I don’t know what it is, exactly. I just can’t quite wrap my head around the idea.

Besides that, there might be consequences as a result of the degree to which my partner and/or I might view this as my “submitting” (or viewing it as topping from the bottom). Putting myself in that position (and asking him to put me in that position) might damage the dynamic. I understand my thinking on this doesn’t show a lot of confidence in the dynamic, and there are good reasons for that. I am inexperienced (this is my first D/s relationship), sometimes I’m not confident in my role, and I’m not as confident in the stability of the dynamic as you might expect after being in a relationship for a year and a half (we can’t spend as much time together as couples who live closer to each other). It’s taken quite a bit of work to build the dynamic, and I’ll admit I am nervous about anything that might erode our positions in it.

Despite those concerns, I have thought about it, and I’m certainly thinking about it now. I guess I have to weigh the potential benefits against the potential drawbacks. If I ever did suggest it, there would be lots of rules and qualifications and a discussion about what we’re both comfortable with.

What say you, readers? (Read this first–a rough example of what I’m considering asking of my submissive partner.)

  • Would you consider what I’m thinking about as a submissive act or is it topping from the bottom? Does it matter?
  • Dom/mes, put yourself in my shoes (complete with my inexperience and my orgasm issues). Would this be something you’d suggest?
  • Subs, would you be comfortable with this if your dominant suggested it? Do you think it might alter or damage the dynamic or confuse your/your partner’s position(s) in it?

  33 Responses to “topping from the bottom”

  1. I would simply consider it “doing what She told me to do.” As such, it fits entirely within our dynamic. It is along the lines of saying, “I want you to take care of me.” So long as he knows You enough to know what that would mean, then it is a good thing.

    • @Tomio: I think you’re right that if I did allow it, there would be plenty of guidelines first. And I think that’s part of my hesitance is about the “within dynamic” thing you mentioned. I don’t know if the dynamic is strong or well-established enough yet.

  2. I enjoy sensations, but its something best experienced when you don’t know what’s coming. So for that, I enjoy bottoming. I don’t find it submissive, as I’m getting what I want, but it can effect the dynamic… Though its never happened in a way that wasn’t easily corrected. Usually, the things I have to pay attention to is when I demand this from him, how often, and I know I’ll need to manage his headspace later.

    So for me it doesn’t matter. I don’t care what you call it… I like it and its fun.

    As for you? I think its worth talking about first. If its something that he is going to find difficult, I suspect you’re not going to get the freedom you’re looking for. But if he feels comfortable…I’d give it a try. I highly doubt one evening of bottoming would ruin the relationship or the dynamic.

    • @Wicked Maggie: Good advice about planning to manage dynamic shifts, if there are any. I have worried about what it might do, but hadn’t thought about ways to manage it afterwards.

      “If its something that he is going to find difficult,”

      I don’t know that he’d find it difficult so much as he just wouldn’t/doesn’t want to top.

      Earlier in the relationship, we had two related issues: 1) he had a tendency to top from the bottom, and 2) when I’d ask him for suggestions about how to play or what to do, he was very hesitant. (While those seem impossibly conflicting, they often happened at the same time). While I don’t think it was purposeful (or that he was entirely aware of it), I believe he was trying to control things–he wanted topped the way he wanted topped, but he also wanted to claim/feel he was being entirely submissive.

      We’re mostly over that, but he’s been very careful about not topping from the bottom, in part because he respects my role, and in part because I think he’s realized that topping from the bottom negates those sexy, submissive, controlled feelings he enjoys so much.

      So, I don’t think he’ll be into it. I don’t care so much if he isn’t into it, but I do care about repercussions to the dynamic.

      Good stuff, Maggie. Thanks!

  3. These seem to be the same thoughts you questioned me on when I posted “I’m not submissive, but use me anyway” last month.
    To answer your questions:
    1. It’s not submissive. You have the option to say where and when, to say “Stop,” and to plan the scene more or less. Do you give J those options? I bet not.
    2. I’ve already done this, and the answer is a huge resounding “DO IT.” Now, that said, it was hard for me to let go. I’m so use to not giving up physical control to anyone else that being bound (arms and ankles) and told not to talk (I can’t use gags due to jaw problems) made my hackles raise at first. I had to keep reminding myself that I asked for it. That was the key: I asked for it.

    Sadly, I did not get off, but Iris is still a newb to all things sexual, and is still learning the details of how to please me. It was still really worth it. He enjoyed topping me, and he was ok with it because it was my idea.

    You don’t have to be “on” all the time. It’s ok to let go and just… receive.

    • @Femi: In your post, “I’m not submissive, but use me anyway”, you seem to suggest wanting something very different than what I’m thinking about. I don’t want to be his entertainment, I don’t want to be used, hurt, or surprised by what he does, and my goal wouldn’t be his enjoyment. He’d have a very clear, very short list of what he was allowed to do.

      In that way, I think the scenarios we both wrote about are VERY different.

      In response to your question 2, unfortunately, I have more questions. While I’m glad to hear that you did it and enjoyed it, from reading your blog, it seems you and Iris have had some trouble maintaining the dynamic. It sounds like the relationship is still intact (yay!), but that you’re putting the dynamic on hold for a while (boo!). I’m sure we don’t know the whole story, but it seems like Iris not being submissive and you’re not having the control you want played a big part in calling off the dynamic.

      I guess my question is this: do you think giving up some control (for an act, for a scene, or for an evening, or for a few evenings… to whatever degree) might have damaged the dynamic?

      I ask because J and I have had some dynamic-related issues too, and while things are much better, I’m not sure I’m confident enough in the strength of the dynamic to risk it right now. Perhaps I’ll feel different in the future, or perhaps I’m just kidding myself because either I’ll never be confident enough or I just don’t want to let go of that sort of control.

  4. I want to preface this by saying that I don’t know much either. I am even more inexperienced than you. That said, when I read this post, my first thought was that you and I are remarkably similar. Kindred spirits, perhaps. I too have trouble reaching orgasm, and I overthink every fucking thing, sexual and otherwise. I am also convinced that, for myself, the two are related.

    With my own adventures, I am finding that I cannot fit much of it in neat little boxes. I really want to. I like neat little boxes. But, often, I plan the scene and my husband carries it out. Often, he asks me what I want and then we do it. And it usually involves binding me and having his way because I really want and need to relinquish control. This is definitely topping from the bottom. This dynamic almost warrants its own name because it’s neither 100% Domme nor sub, and I suspect it’s quite common.

    My husband has said that being the Dom is a lot of pressure. He has to be imaginative and “on” when we play. So, I took a bit of that pressure from him by planning out the scenes. Maybe it’s like that for you a little bit – where you never have a chance to relax? I don’t know.

    Again, I know nothing so take this with a grain of salt, but perhaps beforehand you could dictate exactly what you want J to do, down to the words you want him to say, and then lay back and take. That way it’s all about what you want on your terms, but there is still the opportunity for you to let go.

    You won’t really know until you try it. If you don’t want to call a safeword, establish a “this ain’t working for me” word and switch the dynamic as needed. Allow yourself to delve outside the box (pun intended).

    • @Flogging Mommy: “I too have trouble reaching orgasm, and I overthink every fucking thing, sexual and otherwise. I am also convinced that, for myself, the two are related.”

      No fucking doubt about it. I’m sure there are other issues too, but I’m sure there’s a connection between not being able to get out of my head and not being able to orgasm. I’d love to think I have trouble reaching orgasm because I’m thoughtful and smart, but really, it’s just that I’m self-centered (which is really fucking ironic that a self-centered chick can’t just think about her own orgasm… but I digress)

      “being the Dom is a lot of pressure. He has to be imaginative and “on” when we play. So, I took a bit of that pressure from him by planning out the scenes. Maybe it’s like that for you a little bit – where you never have a chance to relax?”

      I’m not sure? Yes, being dominant is a lot of pressure, but I can’t imagine it’s any less pressure for a sub! Not more or less, but certainly a different kind of pressure for both sides of the slash. For me, topping isn’t relaxing–it’s exhilarating, and I hit some sort of zen-buzz, but it isn’t relaxed.

      I guess I am thinking about the sort of thing you talked about, but in a very limited, controlled way. VERY limited, and VERY controlled. See…? I’m already making a list of rules… and that isn’t relaxing. Meh.

  5. Yea! Advice giving time, where I get to act like I know what I’m talking about! Whee!

    Maintain The D/s Dynamic:
    As said already, remind your boy that what he is doing is per your instruction. He should have leverage to (pleasantly) surprise you, certainly, but remind him that this is a service to you. Also, make sure that you provide yourself a means to communicate to him as you need. Just because I get bound and let others do the work does not mean that I fully abandon control; I certainly have given instructions while “helpless.” ;-)

    Being Bound:
    I’d start with simple and not very restrictive bondage at first… something that you can escape easily if you need. Maybe the anchors are just shoved under the mattress, rather than solidly tied/chained/locked, so a light pull does not free you, but a dedicated hard one does. SportSheets has a velcro-based bondage sheet set that works well for this. You might find yourself less panicked about being bound if you can free yourself. Also, always remember that you can command, “Free me/my hand/that foot/etc. now, boy!”

    You might also want to take other little steps towards bondage, like just having your hands tied together above your head, though not anchored to anything, or just having your legs bound apart with your hands free, or mix and match. You don’t have to be spread-eagle with full sensory deprivation first time! Or try being blindfolded without being bound (if you want to try a blindfold). You will be more limited, but not “trapped.”

    Topping from The Bottom:
    Do not expect utter fulfillment the first time. This is new to both of you. Try as you might to get out of your head, you’ll probably panic over lack of control, while he’ll fret about being in control. Keep it short, and maybe with explicit instruction for specific acts. Instruct him that, while you are bound, he does some particular thing, like lightly massaging your legs. After that, untie and switch to your more familiar play. Start with only short bursts of things that you instruct explicitly. If your collective confidence in the experience grows, then let the sessions go longer, and give him more creative room within vaguer instructions.

    Gags:
    I cannot give much advice here, because I cannot wear a gag myself. I shall speculate, though, that you might want to try wearing one out of the bondage context first, to find one that you think you can comfortably wear while bound. Also, determine whether you really want to be unable to speak or not. If so, then make darn sure that you have ways of clearly communicating things like “Ease up,” “Stop,” and “Release Me.”

    • Duh, sorry, I should also actually address your questions, rather than just mouth off.

      Would you consider what I’m thinking about as a submissive act or is it topping from the bottom? Does it matter?
      Personally, I consider it topping from the bottom, but I also think it does not really matter. However, if it does matter to you and to J, then what does my stance on “does it matter” matter? (Uh, awkward wording there.) Since you are concerned about how you two view your dynamic, emphasize this is his service to you, not a gateway to his being dominant.

      Dom/mes, put yourself in my shoes (complete with my inexperience and my orgasm issues). Would this be something you’d suggest?
      Yes, I would recommend trying this (with my baby step suggestions or something similar that works for you). I find mental fulfillment when I top, and some physical fulfillment. That form of fulfillment is certainly addictive and I could not do without. However, I get my wildest and most intense orgasms from when being pleasured by another. I don’t need to be bound or the bottom for this, but I generally am not fully in control or fully thinking. If being bound keeps your hands out of the way, then at least give it a try.

    • @WeekBiWeek: (in response to your first comment…)

      “Yea! Advice giving time, where I get to act like I know what I’m talking about! Whee!”

      I love advice! It’s been a happy accident as a result of starting to write up my issues publicly.

      But… even just reading through what you wrote makes me nervous–the words and the ideas make my stomach flip, and not in the good way. Like, I realize you can’t see me as I type, but I imagine my face looks as if I just took a gulp of spoiled milk.

      With that said, it’s all good advice. I think that if I let it happen, it will be with very explicit instructions for what I want him to do. Really, I just want to get off, so it won’t be all that detailed and he won’t have much freedom. I’m not looking to work up to anything (except getting off). The idea of being tied spread-eagle in sensory deprivation in no way interests me (at least I’m sure of how I feel about that!), and seriously, I’m afraid my face is going to stick this way if I don’t think of more happy thoughts like puppies and kittens and the handle of the flogger, firmly secured in my hand…

      • @WeekBiWeek: (in response to your second comment…)

        “I should also actually address your questions, rather than just mouth off.”

        But I learn stuff when you just mouth off!

        “I get my wildest and most intense orgasms from when being pleasured by another. I don’t need to be bound or the bottom for this, but I generally am not fully in control or fully thinking.”

        I think some variation on this would be my ideal–what I’m hoping to get to at some point. I want to be able to take pleasure, turn my brain off, and orgasm at the end of the night (fuck that… at the beginning, middle, and end of the night!).

        I’d love to sit around and wait for that to happen, but I want orgasms now, dammit! :)

  6. I think that with the right attitude and accouterments you can dom from below without giving off even a whiff of submission.

    It seems it’s just a matter of making it very clear that you’re in charge and you want this sensation, and J is to give this sensation; or else. No freestyling, no reveling in a new found sense of power he is to secure your bindings and get to work, and if he slacks of or whines he’ll regret it.

    It might help to maintain the sense of your authority if however you might be bound be something you could easily loose yourself from, but having J leashed to the bed so that he can’t get free until you let him.

    Just suggestions of course, from my perspective as being very much excited about submission and bottoming, how this scene might best be set up so that I would be excited about it. *Big grains of salt*

    • @Peroxide: “It seems it’s just a matter of making it very clear that you’re in charge and you want this sensation, and J is to give this sensation; or else.”

      I fucking love that! (my sour milk face is fading fast…) I like the idea: “You do this, I feel that. And if I don’t get off, I have this neat little glass jar in which I’ll display your balls.”

      And you’re totally right… there will be no freestyling, no nothing other than what I ask for. Honestly, jokes about little glass jars aside, if he went off on some sort of power trip, that would absolutely end the relationship. There would be no punishment, no discussion, no nothing. That would be the end. With that said, I already 100% trust he’d never do that. I’m more concerned about the danger of him feeling a power trip or feeling as if I’m somehow less dominant. I don’t think we’re strong enough to risk that sort of damage just yet.

      I’m not sure if this is what you meant about him “regretting it,” but I like the idea of attaching some sort of “punishment” if he doesn’t bring me to orgasm. I think that would help us both to remember who is in control.

      Salt or no, you have good ideas, Peroxide. :)

      • You can have a punishment lined up, or just tell him that he will regret it. You’re worried about preserving the dynamic, and I think what needs to happen is that J needs to know you’re in charged without regard to who is on top, or tied up or anything. I think a strong pre-activity dialogue could keep him from feeling in control of the situation.

        Do you guys have conversations about things you’d like to try outside of interacting as Domme and sub? Because you could probably explain to him that you want to set up a scene where you can’t interfere with your own pleasure.

        Do you think you need to be tied up for this to work or could you put your legs in stirrups or something and lie back and let go?

        • (You’re going to have to be patient with me here, as my thoughts are evolving in response to everyone’s comments…)

          @Peroxide: “I think a strong pre-activity dialogue could keep him from feeling in control of the situation.”

          J doesn’t really want to feel in control. On occasion, he’s slipped into trying to top from the bottom because I’m not doing what he wants. Let me put it this way: in his ideal world, he would have absolutely NO control, but he would *also* have the Domme of his Dreams who did everything exactly the way he wants it (or imagines it, or whatever). This isn’t a criticism of him–who wouldn’t want exactly what they want the way they want it? Even if what they want is submission, I imagine everyone has ideas about how they’d like to fulfill that submission.

          With that said, I’m not so much worried about him feeling in control or wanting to be in control. I’m more worried about him seeing me as less dominant. Does that make any sense?

          “Do you guys have conversations about things you’d like to try outside of interacting as Domme and sub?”

          I’m not sure I understand the question, but if I do, the answer is no. D/s is more or less visible at times, but even when it’s completely “hidden,” neither one of us wants to step outside of it.

          “Do you think you need to be tied up for this to work or could you put your legs in stirrups or something”

          Like, exam table stirrups? Crap. I just sent my exam table out for repairs. :) Actually, I wasn’t even thinking of my legs restrained–that isn’t an option. I wouldn’t like it. If I allowed any sort of restraint, it would be my arms.

          If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go check to see how the stirrup table repairs are coming along… :)

      • While just as erotic and awesome, I think you just described a style of Objectification play. Your submissive becomes more of a super smart vibrator, a tool that you pre-program to get you off then bring you a latte.

        PS: Soy milk or the real thing?

        • @MB: “Your submissive becomes more of a super smart vibrator, a tool that you pre-program to get you off “

          He is a super-smart vibrator, I’m just not so good at the programming. Besides that, there’s no way for me to stop from interfering with what I’ve programmed (I’m difficult like that).

          “latte. PS: Soy milk or the real thing?”

          Lattes are for pussies. I like my coffee black and preferably, Cuban.

  7. I got tired reading the responses because I haven’t had coffee yet, so possibly repeating.

    In general: No biggie, do it.

    For you: It’s a biggie, don’t do it.

    It’s easy for me to say that for a bunch of reasons:

    * you are pretty clear that you aren’t confident with your dynamic and you should be completely unconcerned before going there because this is now a whole other kind of D/s management

    * you aren’t sure that J will deal well with it, so you are stepping into a potential minefield

    * the above would be okay if your communication with J was wonderful, but even though it’s improving, it’s not stellar

    * managing it afterwards might be a big deal and you might not really know if you broke something until after the fact

    * …but apart from all that, I can’t imagine for one second that it would *work* for you, that it would actually take you out of your head. I CAN imagine that it would give you a million and one *other* things to worry about versus ‘freeing you’ from yourself

    I’d add that some submissives can’t do any form of ‘service topping’ without getting their head all in knots. Same as some dominants can’t bottom with their submissives because it makes them feel weird, and so they may have to get sensation play elsewhere if that’s what they want.

    If you are planning to do it at all, I’d spend a lot of time feeling him out on the concept in a general way before attempting to go there. I like to ask my submissive playful theoreticals to feel him out on things. It’s fun and I get to learn things without any of it being real (though if you’ve never had that sort of conversation before, of course he’s going to be all ‘whaaa?!’).

    Ferns

    • @Ferns: As for the response, I agree with most of it. I’m not confident enough, we aren’t established enough, and perhaps it isn’t time to venture into new territory. However, my mind changes with the winds, so who knows. Obviously, I don’t.

  8. Princess Zoe and I have a conversation similar to this on The Fetish Show. She’s dominant, but enjoys giving blow jobs, which in many circles is considered a submissive act. So, conventional wisdom is that she’s not supposed to do that. I think that’s ridiculous.

    If you’re the Domme, and you want this thing from your submissive then YOU ARE IN CHARGE. By it’s very nature, it’s a dominant act. You get to determine what you need to be fulfilled and it’s the submissive’s duty to follow through.

    There are no hard and fast rules here. I’ve known Dommes who enjoy being tied up, or enjoy engaging in rough sex. Sometimes what gets us off sexually doesn’t fit in a neat box of what is “submissive” or what is “dominant”.

    The bottom line is that if you want this, then it’s the responsibility of your submissive partner (or hell, a vanilla partner) to do their best to please you.

    Dream hard,
    – Dirk

    • @Dirk: For a number of reasons, I’ve never had an issue with blow jobs. In this relationship, I’ve never felt it was a submissive act (and I agree with you and Zoe that thinking any one act is *always* submissive or *always* dominant is silly–it depends on the relationship, the people involved, and their unique dynamic). I think the difference between the way I feel about doing down and this is the idea of being restrained.

      “You get to determine what you need to be fulfilled and it’s the submissive’s duty to follow through.”

      Yes, but, I’m also responsible (to whatever degree) for being sensitive to his headspace. I have no doubt that if I demanded it, he would do it. That isn’t my concern. My concern is that it might damage a not-yet-fully-established dynamic and cause problems down the road.

      I do agree that what we want doesn’t always fit into neat little boxes. Oh, but I wish it did!

  9. 1. Topping from the bottom, I’d think.
    2. Not really? Not if I weren’t sure of my partner’s ability to stay in their space.

    To elaborate:
    I’m not sure that such a scene would alleviate the problem of you getting out of your own head, really. That is, whatever it takes for you to get out of your own head, running the show from the bottom probably isn’t going to be it. You could try, but considering your circumstances, I share your wondering if you’ll lose some of the ground you’ve made so far in establishing the dynamics of your roles.

    Part of the problem may be that during a scene, you’re so worried about being domme-enough for J, monitoring the scene and his reactions to what you do, and checking your actions and reactions against that internal J-domme-meter, that you’re not tuned into what makes *you* get off. Thus, unable to relax and just use him for what makes *you* feel dominant and happy.

    (which is what I think happened when you finally reached the big O recently: you stopped caring so much about what his thoughts were and monitoring his headspace and, knowing he was into it and loved it, you just went for it, your way, until you got what you wanted. Result: happy happy for you both.)

    • @DomDomme: I feel silly for saying, “I agree” again, but I think I do.

      My only point of deviation is the “domme enough” thing. I’m not sure I care so much about that anymore, but I do care about his perception of the degree to which I am. That doesn’t make any fucking sense… does it? I know I’m domme enough, in general, but I’m not so sure he’s as confident (and perhaps obviously, that highlights some of the differences in our D/s preferences). But still, for that reason, I’m hesitant to damage his view of the dynamic until we get a little stronger.

      Also, the “internal J meter” seems to be limited to ability to take an orgasm. In other situations, of course I make sure he’s okay, but I’m getting quite adept at other forms of play… I enjoy them and I’m good at them. I’m good with ropes, I’m good with a little CBT, I’m good with impact play… it’s just my own orgasm (perhaps the most vanilla activity of the bunch) I fucking suck at. I’m just not good at my own orgasms.

      And that? That fucking sucks.

      • Re: agreeing: I almost typed “What Ferns said!” but I’d promised. :)

        I guess what I’d meant by the “domme-enough for J” was “J’s definition of a domme, based on his years of wank fantasy, porn, PD experience, play with other partners, and what his current mishmash of idealized domme is, combined with your actual domination of him”, which is quite the mouthful.

        So in that sense, it’s not about how dominant you are, yourself, but your worrying about whether your dominance or domination matches up with what J’s expecting or wanting (or hoping to get). That’s my interpretation, anyhow.

        I got nothing for you on the orgasm. Seriously. And that does fucking suck.

        Women’s orgasms are much more tied to their heads (and much more often) than, I think, it is for men. If you’re used to using a vibrator, that could also affect your sensitivity and conditioning to orgasm without one. What might help is to think about the scenes or imagery you use to get off with a vibrator and try applying some of that in a scene, unless you already do this, and thus, extra-frustration.

        Like I said…bupkis.

        Muy excellente on the skills-building! I’m still practicing how to tie that speed-cuff thing I saw recently. Heh. (“dangly part of ropes go *which* way, again?!”)

        • @DomDomme: “Muy excellente on the skills-building! I’m still practicing how to tie that speed-cuff thing I saw recently. Heh. (“dangly part of ropes go *which* way, again?!”)”

          I guess that’s better than saying “These ropes go around *which* of your dangly parts again?” :)

  10. You are the Domme… If you want to be pleasured, tell him what to do as an “order”, then sit(?) back and relax.

    That is a very simplistic statement, but in effect it is the way the scenario can be played. My ex-wife was a bit of a sadist at times and I would often be given the task of bringing her to orgasm using only my tongue although she would fight it in the way that you have suggested may be the root of your problems.

    After discussion, I was “ordered” to think up ways of resolving this, and the first time we tried something she was blindfolded only, but the loss of that sense made a difference and she came much more quickly. After a few goes, she also found light bondage was a further “relaxant” and asserted her position by refusing to allow me to come. Although she was in bondage she was still remained the Domme in our relationship.

    It was through this I found my Dom tendencies too. I also found that I could get her begging to come after just 5 minutes of gentle innocent looking teasing/caressing in vanilla settings!!!

    If you are concerned about upsetting the dynamic between you and J, talk it through and maybe attend a few munches together and talk to other Domme/Sub couples to find out their views. You may find a Dom or Domme who will help you overcome your head-space problems.

    As an afterthought, many pro Dommes occasionally will “bottom”. This helps them understand what they are putting their subs through.

    • @thelongbean: I realize this is my fault for not providing details (or perhaps, for some of you who already know, it’s a blessing!), but it’s not so easy. I’m incapable of sitting back and relaxing when it comes to my orgasms. I can make it out of my head in fucking amazing ways when I’m engaged in other activities, but the orgasm issue hasn’t been so simple for me.

      As for talking to other subs and doms, that’s what I’m doing here, and you just gave me your thoughts and advice. :) I’m sneaky like that.

  11. As a dominant guy, but one who generally doesn’t think of himself as a “Dom” – that’s to say, I think that dominance is something I enjoy, rather than a defining attribute of my essential self – I find all this a bit baffling. I have the sense that you and I are quite similar in the way we like being teased. For me, it’s entirely uncomplicated to say to someone, “Would you tie me up, please?” And to establish, in advance, that the restraint of me is something that’s being done at my request/command.

    But unlike you, I have a lot less invested in appearances, in the durability of the dynamic. Is this because I’m a guy, because, generally, I can command submission physically, even if only implicitly? I don’t think so – I think that for me submission is a gift I’m given, rather than a prize I take. And it is the nature of its being given that it can be withdrawn at any fucking moment, so it’s inherently fragile, and in fact, strengthened, rather than weakened, by acts such as the one about which you fantasize.

    Whether it’s “topping from the bottom” or what is of no moment to me. It’s hot, and so occasionally I do it.

    • @N. Likes: “I find all this a bit baffling”

      Baffling? I can’t imagine why it’s baffling. You and I are VERY different–we have entirely different types of relationships, we have very different relationships to our own orgasms/ability to orgasm, we have different attitudes towards the importance of a D/s dynamic and/or dominant roles.

      I think you correctly identified the primary difference between your sex partners and/or relationships and my sex partner/relationship. You said that you “have a lot less invested [. . .] in the durability of the dynamic.” More than the durability of the dynamic, because you have multiple sex partners and/or relationships other than your primary relationship, I assume you’re a lot less invested in the durability of those other relationships.

      I don’t mean to diminish the importance of those relationships (outside your primary), but my assumption is that your other relationships are less important than your relationship with your wife. I have no idea of the degree to which those other relationships are based on sex, but I assume sex plays a big role. For that reason, I imagine if there were a sexual “issue” with one of your non-primary sex partners, the relationship might dissolve fairly quickly. You would lose less than what I have at stake.

      “I have the sense that you and I are quite similar in the way we like being teased.”

      I don’t like being teased. I want what I want, and I want orgasms–hard, fast, numerous, and with my sex partner/within my relationship. My guess is that you always (or nearly always) orgasm with your sex partners–with your primary partner and with other sex partners. I have experienced orgasm with my partner only once. That’s a hell of a difference between us.

      For those reasons–the many differences between us, I am baffled as to why you find it baffling.

  12. I asked ken in Thursday if he would like to top (he jokes about us switching roles for a while) and I was interested to hear him say no. His reasoning was that he is afraid that if he sees me bottom once that it will change how he sees me as his Domme. I appreciate his honestly and won’t be offering to bottom any time soon.

    I am toying with the idea of being bound but I’m not overly gone on it. Like you I have great difficulty turning my brain off (I figured out how to do it one night when there was a show about cutting diamonds on the TV in the background… It was on loud enough to distract part of my brain but not enough to actually engage my interest) and I wonder if being bound would distract me a little… Hmmm…

    • Yeah. I went through that whole thought process… I don’t want to, but I might like it, might have benefits…

      And then I finally arrived at “fuck it,” and “fuck the whole idea.” :)

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