I’ve been thinking more about my response to the question of whether I’ve ever fantasized about submitting.
While I stand by response–no, I don’t fantasize about being submissive–I have to admit, I am curious about whether giving up some measure of control might help with my orgasm difficulties. [A quick recap if you aren’t familiar: I have difficulty coming to orgasm with a partner. If you’re interested, read more here.]
“There are certain pleasures that one cannot give oneself (the old adage, “You can’t tickle yourself”), like teasing. Being bound increases my chances of being pleased and teased properly, without my interfering it and ruining it for myself, but does not make me suddenly submissive to the person who is providing me the desired pleasures.”
Her comment highlights two issues: 1) whether I might increase my chance for pleasure (i.e., orgasm!) if I ask my partner to “top” me in the way I fantasized about in “tease me,” and 2) the degree to which asking my partner to top me might be felt as an act of (my) submission–to me, to my partner, or to us both.
I have thought about whether I might be more likely to orgasm with a partner if wasn’t stymied by my own physical and mental intervention. Part of my orgasm problem is that I’m too stuck in my own head–I think too much about whether or not it will happen, how much discomfort I’m causing, how long it’s taking, what treatment for a sprained tongue might entail, etc. It’s certainly not J’s problem. I swear his mouth is magic–he knows what he’s doing and he enjoys doing it. It’s my problem. I can’t seem to let go enough to allow him do what he does so well.
For that reason, I’ve wondered whether being restrained would allow me to get out of my own head long enough to let go. I’d have to be physically restrained so I couldn’t stop him or move away, and I’d probably have to be gagged so I wouldn’t have to think about giving feedback and so I wouldn’t be able to demand he stop. If I wasn’t able to move and had no ability to speak, it might force me to turn off my brain and allow me to focus on how good it feels.
The idea of being able to quiet my head and enjoy J’s attention is a huge turn-on in a dreamy, desperate sort of way. But what it might take to get there–being restrained, gagged, and giving him full responsibility for my pleasure–I have mixed feelings about all of that. It’s not that I don’t trust him and it’s not that I’m unwilling to give up some control (I think?)… I don’t know what it is, exactly. I just can’t quite wrap my head around the idea.
Besides that, there might be consequences as a result of the degree to which my partner and/or I might view this as my “submitting” (or viewing it as topping from the bottom). Putting myself in that position (and asking him to put me in that position) might damage the dynamic. I understand my thinking on this doesn’t show a lot of confidence in the dynamic, and there are good reasons for that. I am inexperienced (this is my first D/s relationship), sometimes I’m not confident in my role, and I’m not as confident in the stability of the dynamic as you might expect after being in a relationship for a year and a half (we can’t spend as much time together as couples who live closer to each other). It’s taken quite a bit of work to build the dynamic, and I’ll admit I am nervous about anything that might erode our positions in it.
Despite those concerns, I have thought about it, and I’m certainly thinking about it now. I guess I have to weigh the potential benefits against the potential drawbacks. If I ever did suggest it, there would be lots of rules and qualifications and a discussion about what we’re both comfortable with.
What say you, readers? (Read this first–a rough example of what I’m considering asking of my submissive partner.)
- Would you consider what I’m thinking about as a submissive act or is it topping from the bottom? Does it matter?
- Dom/mes, put yourself in my shoes (complete with my inexperience and my orgasm issues). Would this be something you’d suggest?
- Subs, would you be comfortable with this if your dominant suggested it? Do you think it might alter or damage the dynamic or confuse your/your partner’s position(s) in it?