Jun 272012
 

I’m not looking to get married — I’m already married to my career. I’m not looking for someone with whom I can share a nice house and a white picket fence — I bought my own home and painted the fence myself. I’m not looking for someone to grow old with because I’m secretly hoping to live forever… and forever is a long fucking time to spend with just one person. (Besides, I’m easily bored.)

In my twenties, I never gave much thought to the idea of finding a forever partner. I wasn’t against the idea, nor was it something I hoped for. I didn’t think about it because it wasn’t important to me.

I’ve been thinking about it lately, and for a number of reasons, “forever” still isn’t something I’m interested in. It’s still not important to me.

With that said, this relationship is the first one I’ve had where I’ve realized (from the very beginning) it would end. Unlike relationships past, its ephemerality has always been at the forefront of my mind. This reality isn’t nagging or looming, but it’s certainly present.

In a way, the constant awareness of transience has allowed me to be more honest and open with J than I’ve been with other people — it’s given me the space to be who I am without demanding that I consider the implications of my actions on tomorrow, next month, or next year. I don’t count on sharing tomorrow with J, so I might as well live for today.

I don’t worry that what I say or do might make him leave me — I already know he will leave me, or I’ll leave him. I’ve given so much of myself to him because I know he won’t hold onto it for an eternity. At some point, we’ll both let go. I’m not his to keep, nor is he mine, so we might as well share what we have while there’s time.

 

  11 Responses to “not forever”

  1. I find myself in the same situation for the first time in my life…and that is part of the attraction, I think. There will logically be an end and it is freeing to know that what I say and do and give and take has no effect on our future. It is now to enjoy the ride while it lasts and what a ride!! Enjoy yours as well!!

    • @M: It is freeing and kind of exciting to have the latitude to be this open and honest. It’s a little sad, too, in that I feel like I can really be myself with the one person that I’d bet my life will disappear.

      Here’s to enjoying the ride wherever it takes us, regardless of how long it may last. :)

  2. How is it you make me sniffle and smile at the same time? :)

    • @DomDomme: Chopping onions has the same effect on me. It’s the simple happiness of forthcoming dinner at the same time as acceptance of the runny nose that accompanies it.

      Wait, have I just compared my deepest thoughts and feelings to chopping vegetables? Oh yes, I have. :)

  3. There *is* something totally freeing in liaisons that you know are transient.

    This is why holiday flings can be so awesome. All the wild and crazy things that you ever thought about are on the table because, hell, in a couple of weeks, you never have to see this pretty boy again, so who cares?

    I also think that they are great practice runs for more long-lived relationships. Once I knew that ‘random not-so-forever guy’ thought I was fucking amazing for my not-so-easy-to-share qualities, I started to learn that those qualities were *not at all* unacceptable, unappealing, negative, or any of those things. That made it hell of a lot easier to bring them into *important* relationships.

    Ferns

    • “I also think that they are great practice runs for more long-lived relationships. Once I knew that ‘random not-so-forever guy’ thought I was fucking amazing for my not-so-easy-to-share qualities, I started to learn that those qualities were *not at all* unacceptable, unappealing, negative, or any of those things. That made it hell of a lot easier to bring them into *important* relationships.”

      You nailed it, Ferns. :)

      “It’s the simple happiness of forthcoming dinner at the same time as acceptance of the runny nose that accompanies it.

      Wait, have I just compared my deepest thoughts and feelings to chopping vegetables?”

      Heh! It works for me, and it’s pretty apt. Tempus fugit, carpe diem, and all that. :)

    • I don’t think I’ve had a lot of short flings, summer romances, or holiday boys, come to think of it. If J is a fling, he’s outstayed his welcome! :)

      But with that said, I’m pretty serious about most of my relationships–I’ve always been. It’s just I realize (really really realize) this one won’t last forever. It’s an odd situation, good and bad for a number of reasons.

      Back to chopping onions, and by chopping onions, I mean drinking vodka.

  4. So…can I ask *why* you think it won’t last? My curiosity is getting the better of me.

    • @Lily: That’s a good question, but I don’t think I have a good answer.

      I guess I just know. You know how people talk about realizing when they’ve found “the one”? What I feel is more like “J is the one… for right now.”

      Besides that, neither one of us want to switch jobs (if that were even possible) to live closer to the other. I know some people can handle that, but I won’t be able to do it forever.

      I think that sounds more foreboding than it is… everything is working out pretty well right now and I’m happy. I don’t have any sort of predetermined expiration date, but I’m sure there will be one eventually. That could be a week from now or a year from now.

      Obviously, I’ll have to give this some more thought later. (probably after he leaves and I feel all sad/happy/loved/navel-gaze-y.)

      My immediate plans include taking the boy to a late lunch on the water and then getting back to… you know… playing Scrabble and stuff. ;)

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