Jun 052012
 

When J and I first started exploring a D/s dynamic, I asked him to write me often. I wanted what was in his head. I wanted to know his fantasies, his fears, his beautiful thoughts, and the troubled ones too.

His fantasies have always been hot, detailing elaborate bondage scenarios, application of quality implements, administration of particular abuses, and descriptions of hard use. He would describe his positions, his physical sensations, and his mental space.

Reading his fantasies was a huge turn on, but as time passed, I wondered if I was part of them. It seemed the woman in his fantasies could be replaced with any Domme and the actions and emotions would be the same. The dominant woman in his head was a generic construction–she was barely even visible, present only to administer pain, demand hard use, and provide the action necessary to elicit his physical and emotional responses. She delivered what he wanted, served his fantasies–essentially, The Domme in his head was a service top.

But lately, his fantasies are different. They appeal to me so much more now because I see myself in them, but I can’t tell if my fantasies are becoming more like his or if his fantasies are becoming more like mine. Am I changing–becoming more like the Domme in his head? Or is he changing–thinking of me instead of whatever generic Domme that previously occupied his fantasies?

I imagine it’s a little of both. More importantly, and for whatever reason, I’m in his head.

Lately, the words he writes for me in his fantasies are my words. His descriptions of my actions are in my voice. His accounts focus on the sorts of responses that I want from him, the behaviors I value, and the activities I enjoy. His writing sounds as if it’s in my language–he’s taken up my rhythms and nuance. I don’t know whether he’s doing it purposefully or whether it’s just happening, but I don’t care.

While he’s always identified as submissive, lately, it seems he’s becoming my submissive. And while I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to figure out how to be dominant, recently, I’ve been good at being his dominant.

For the time being, it feels like we’re on the same page. It feels good.

  12 Responses to “evolving fantasies”

  1. Are You sure that he's not on this page? Sure that he hasn't discovered Your blog, D?

    Do You sometimes secrectly wish that he had? Think about how he, and You, would react if he ever did descover this site?

    michael

  2. @michael: That's interesting, actually! But no, I'm sure he's never seen the blog and still doesn't know it exists. If he did, I'd expect that he'd tell me.

    I have no desire for him to see the blog at this point in time, but I might change my mind in the future. If he did find it, I don't think he'd react badly… I'm not sure he'd react with much more than surprise.

    I don't think I'd have much of a reaction either, other than some hesitance about my level of honesty going forward. I think keeping J in the dark makes me a more honest writer about some of the more difficult aspects of the relationship.

    Good stuff to think about, though!

  3. I hate "J" a little more everyday. ;)

  4. @Anon: I'm sure J wouldn't like you either. :)

  5. In all fairness, J is one lucky bastard.

    I'm glad to hear things are going well.

  6. @Peroxide: I know! I keep telling him he's a lucky bastard. I think he believes me. :)

  7. D,

    I only recently (as in sometime in the past two weeks) started seriously thinking about domination and submission as something I could seriously be a part of. In looking around for resources, I found your blog, and I am archive binging. There have been some really touching posts, but this is the first one I felt the need to comment on.

    I’m still so new that I’m unsure where I am on the dom-switch-sub spectrum. For the past few days my thoughts have been on submission, and this post highlights something that I would want in a relationship if I find submission to be right for me: having her in my head despite any distance between us. I would say I envy J, but I really don’t. If I had that kind of connection with someone, being apart as much as you two are would be unbearable for me.

    Since this entry is more than two months old, I’m not sure if you’ll see this comment, but I thought it was worth posting even if you don’t see it.

    • Neophyte: Hello there, and thanks for the comment!

      “I found your blog, and I am archive binging. There have been some really touching posts”

      I’m always happy to hear about blog binges! And thank you. :)

      “I’m still so new that I’m unsure where I am on the dom-switch-sub spectrum.”

      I’m not sure of your current situation (whether your single, dating, or partnered), so this may not work for you the way it worked for me. I don’t think I could have “decided” whether I was dominant, submissive, or a switch before this current relationship. For me, the whole dominant thing happened within the context of a specific relationship with a particular partner. It may end up being the same for you–that a dynamic happens (and you both fall into roles within that dynamic)–as a result of a relationship. I realize you didn’t ask for advice, but all the same, don’t worry too much about figuring out “what you are” right now.

      “this post highlights something that I would want in a relationship if I find submission to be right for me: having her in my head despite any distance between us.”

      Yes! This is really important to me, too. Despite the distance (and often, time) that separates us, I’m more and more in his head in various ways. Sure, he thinks of me and also, thinks of me in the way I want him to. But also, I’m learning more about him and what makes him tick and getting better at using that knowledge and our connection to get him where I want him (in general, but particularly when we play). It’s been good for the dynamic and for the relationship.

      “If I had that kind of connection with someone, being apart as much as you two are would be unbearable for me.”

      Sometimes it’s easier than others. In some strange way, I think not seeing each other as much as we would like has been unexpectedly beneficial–it’s allowed me the time and space to figure things out at my own pace. But yes, sometimes it’s just painful and difficult and I fucking hate it. :)

      ” Since this entry is more than two months old, I’m not sure if you’ll see this comment, but I thought it was worth posting even if you don’t see it.”

      I’m glad you did! (BTW, I get an email alert whenever someone comments, no matter how old the post is).

      Best to you!
      D

      • I’ve been single these past six months, and most of that time was needed to get over my ex-gf (who is a wonderful person who I can’t hold any ill will toward — she had mature reasons for breaking up and did so in a mature manner). I’ve probably been ready to date only about a month, and in that month I realized that this is an opportunity to look for something more than just dating. I suspect you’re right about it depending on the partner and seeing where that goes. I’m trying to meet people, but that’s hard when your home is as rural as mine. There aren’t many people, and most of them are already in relationships.

        And you’re right that I didn’t ask for advice, but I always like a good conversation. Part of my exploration is talking to other people, because that makes me think about my feelings enough to put them into words. And like you, I love words. This morning I did something I’ve never done before: wrote a love letter. It isn’t TO anyone; it’s more of an example of what I would want to be able to say to a partner sincerely. I don’t plan on ever actually giving it to someone, because who would want a love letter that wasn’t actually written for them?

        • @Neophyte:

          “I’ve probably been ready to date only about a month, and in that month I realized that this is an opportunity to look for something more than just dating.”

          I’m sorry to hear about the breakup, but good for you for wanting to get back out there! You probably already know this, but lots of people in the scene date the same way that vanilla people do. Of course, there are people that jump right into “relationships” too.

          I suspect you’re right about it depending on the partner and seeing where that goes. I’m trying to meet people, but that’s hard when your home is as rural as mine. There aren’t many people, and most of them are already in relationships.

          “This morning I did something I’ve never done before: wrote a love letter. It isn’t TO anyone; it’s more of an example of what I would want to be able to say to a partner sincerely.”

          This is such an interesting idea! I assume if you’re writing about the type of relationship and the type of love that you want to experience, you’ll have a much better idea of what you’re looking for once you get out there. It sounds like a very interesting exercise.

          You have to keep me updated on your discoveries as you get out there and start dating again! Good luck to you!

          • It wasn’t really written about what I want to experience, as much as imagining I was already there and what I would write. There are only a couple of references that aren’t strictly vanilla, (which I’m not sure if I like the term “vanilla,” I’m just not sure what else to call it; mainstream, maybe?), of different levels of subtlety. I could e-mail it to you, if you’re interested in reading it; but I hold no illusions about it being great writing; it’s clunky in spots, and the metaphor breaks down enough I kind of hang a lampshade on it. I’m a writer, but my writing is a craft rather than an art; its purpose is to convey factual meaning, not express something deeper. I’ve had the urge a couple times since then to write, but without any idea what I wanted to write.

            I’ll try to keep you apprised of how dating and discovery go for me. I’m anticipating meeting some people at an evening get-together for my first face-to-face meeting with people active in BDSM, at least that I know of.

          • “(which I’m not sure if I like the term “vanilla,” I’m just not sure what else to call it; mainstream, maybe?”

            I don’t mind “vanilla.” I’m sure the term rubs some people the wrong way, it’s useful for communication (here, at least).

            “but my writing is a craft rather than an art; its purpose is to convey factual meaning, not express something deeper. “

            I’m not big on writing as “pure” expression either (I don’t see the value). With that said, I prefer to think of writing as a techné rather than an art or a craft.

            “get-together for my first face-to-face meeting with people active in BDSM”

            Just don’t let the first get-together influence you one way or the other. I’ve not had a great time at kink events (not that I have that much experience to speak from). Some people love them, some people are turned off. Keep me updated on how it goes. :)

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