When J and I first started exploring a D/s dynamic, I asked him to write me often. I wanted what was in his head. I wanted to know his fantasies, his fears, his beautiful thoughts, and the troubled ones too.
His fantasies have always been hot, detailing elaborate bondage scenarios, application of quality implements, administration of particular abuses, and descriptions of hard use. He would describe his positions, his physical sensations, and his mental space.
Reading his fantasies was a huge turn on, but as time passed, I wondered if I was part of them. It seemed the woman in his fantasies could be replaced with any Domme and the actions and emotions would be the same. The dominant woman in his head was a generic construction–she was barely even visible, present only to administer pain, demand hard use, and provide the action necessary to elicit his physical and emotional responses. She delivered what he wanted, served his fantasies–essentially, The Domme in his head was a service top.
But lately, his fantasies are different. They appeal to me so much more now because I see myself in them, but I can’t tell if my fantasies are becoming more like his or if his fantasies are becoming more like mine. Am I changing–becoming more like the Domme in his head? Or is he changing–thinking of me instead of whatever generic Domme that previously occupied his fantasies?
I imagine it’s a little of both. More importantly, and for whatever reason, I’m in his head.
Lately, the words he writes for me in his fantasies are my words. His descriptions of my actions are in my voice. His accounts focus on the sorts of responses that I want from him, the behaviors I value, and the activities I enjoy. His writing sounds as if it’s in my language–he’s taken up my rhythms and nuance. I don’t know whether he’s doing it purposefully or whether it’s just happening, but I don’t care.
While he’s always identified as submissive, lately, it seems he’s becoming my submissive. And while I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to figure out how to be dominant, recently, I’ve been good at being his dominant.
For the time being, it feels like we’re on the same page. It feels good.