Jun 182012
 

Regular readers already know about the “orgasm project“–my bitching and whining about not being able to come to orgasm with my sex partner. But it finally happened. :)

I had an orgasm! Alert the internets!

Of course regular readers also know I’m prone to over-thinking, and this is where I do it. So, let’s get to that, shall we?

I’ve been thinking about what was different about O night that might have contributed to the happy outcome. Of course, I understand that even if we replicate the conditions, it might not happen again… but it might!

In terms of the, um, action, there wasn’t much difference (J didn’t use some sort of ancient technique or motorize his tongue or anything), but my head space was a lot different than it usually is when we see each other.

The differences, in points (because nothing is sexier than points, right?):

  1. I hadn’t been feeling the dynamic as much as I usually do.
  2. I wasn’t as eager to see J as I usually am.
  3. I had no plan and no expectations, which is uncharacteristic of me.

Of course, all of those things are mutually informing, but I’m not sure what to make of them (if anything) in relation to orgasm. J and I don’t see each other as often as we’d like, and unfortunately, distance and time do not make my heart grow fonder. (Nor does forgetting my birthday earlier in the week make my pussy grow wetter.) We’ve both found it difficult to maintain the sorts of headspaces we need to foster the dynamic when we’re apart for too long. When I don’t feel the dynamic, I don’t feel as dominant, and when I don’t feel as dominant, I’m not as desperate to see him. When I’m not desperate to see him, I fall into a sort of “meh” attitude about seeing him at all. My “meh” leads to lowered expectations and general I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude.

Did you get all of that?

When the day of our play date rolled around, I contemplated calling it off–it seemed like too much effort. The “meh” was overwhelming, if that’s possible.

But I didn’t call it off, and as usual, as soon as we’re in the same room together, the dynamic snaps back into place fairly quickly. Still, I had no real plans for him and no expectations for an orgasm (his or mine). We talked and laughed and touched–nothing too sexy or sexual. After some time, I started feeling playful and demanding. Besides that, my attitude was “you’re here, I might as well use you…”

And I did.

Without any warning, warmup, or foreplay, I stripped off my jeans, pinned him, and sat on his face. (Yay me? Yay J? Whatever. Yay!) Generally, it takes some time, abuse, and teasing to get me wet and wanting and feeling confident enough to mount his face.

But that night was different.

(fast forward through a couple of hours and a lot of licking…) Then I had an orgasm, then another… and it was fucking awesome. Fuckingawesomeorgasm. Wait… what was I talking about again…?

Oh. Right. So, what’s it all mean? Does it mean that feeling “meh” about J, caring less about seeing him, and/or not feeling the dynamic as much let me chill the fuck out and take my orgasm? Was it just the lowered expectations?

I dunno. Maybe I just managed to get out of my own cluttered head for a while. Maybe the Domme thing is too much pressure and I just need to get on the boy’s face and take my pleasure. Maybe that is the Domme thing?

Or perhaps, none of this made a difference, it was all coincidental, and the universe finally decided it was time to let me get off. 

Oh, so a couple of you have asked: how did it happen? 

It was J’s tongue, in the bedroom, with the vibrator. The vibrator was involved, but only secondarily. The boy is good at what he does… very good.

Besides that, J is very patient. If you think about it, he’s been eating pussy for a year…

  31 Responses to “after orgasm”

  1. " If you think about it, he's been eating pussy for a year… " It's practically all I think about. ;)

    MB

  2. You relaxed. That's what happened. You stopped anticipating and just let it happen. Those of us who like control often are not able to relinquish our control enough to have an orgasm with our partners. It takes trust to finally say, "fuck it, I am too tired to fight it," and just relax. Congratulations.

  3. @MB: All you think about? Tell me more… wait… lemmie turn down the lights a little…

    You know, I referenced you here as "M." I might have to go back and edit that to "MB" if you're going to be commenting up and around these parts of the interwebz. :)

    Crap. The lights are down too low and I can't see a fucking thing…

  4. @MsNaydi: I hope that's all it was!

  5. The irony that the letter M comes after the letter J is not lost on me. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
    Sure is thrilling to be referenced by you.

    MB or M…You are the boss (he says with great optimism)

  6. Holy flippin pancake. You are one complicated woman :-D
    Congratulations on your orgasm, I hope you work out the technique.
    Odin

  7. Great post, and nice to see murderer boy commenting because I am all nosy like that… *laugh*.

    "I fall into a sort of "meh" attitude about seeing him at all. My "meh" leads to lowered expectations and general I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude."

    I think *this* is a factor.

    When you (general you, I don't know about YOU) are all wired and loved up and crazy in the head, you *care* too much, you *think* too much, you get self concious, it's too much all 'what about *him*, what does he think, what does he feel' etc.

    When you are 'meh, whatever', then you get to subconsciously go 'fuck that, I'll have what I want and if he doesn't like it, he can fuck off!' because the care factor is set at 'meh' (even if it's temporary).

    I really hope that you have now broken down the barrier and it will be easier.

    Ferns

  8. @Ferns: Maybe I should ask for BDSM references on murder boy?

    "When you are 'meh, whatever', then you get to subconsciously go 'fuck that, I'll have what I want and if he doesn't like it, he can fuck off!' because the care factor is set at 'meh' (even if it's temporary)."

    I don't know how to get to "meh" without feeling distant or annoyed first.

    "I really hope that you have now broken down the barrier and it will be easier"

    Broken the orgasm barrier? Perhaps. No expectations, right? Meh?

  9. @Odin: I guess maybe I am complicated. I wish I wasn't.

    Perhaps I should come (ha!) with an instruction manual?

  10. @MB (which doesn't stand for murder boy, except in the mind of Ferns, which is where all truths are made):

    I can't Domme the alphabet, silly.

    "Alphabet! Yes, you. You over there with all of the letters… change your order! Now!"

  11. Hahaha. Chiming in with everyone else to say that yeah, I think you got off from being relaxed…and, in a way, were in a more "organically" domme-state than when you thought out a scene and had to have it play out a certain, expected way, with you monitoring J's responses and condition more than your own and being wrapped up in (ahem) serving his needs than focusing on getting yours alone. This time, it seems you saw, you took what you wanted, and you came, to paraphrase another J, but in this case with something that you knew your J loved to do. Just in a way that pleased you to do it. ;)

    Or I'm way, way overthinking it, ha!

    DomDomme

  12. Oh, and happy belated birthday, despite your J (gasp) forgetting it! Demerits and a chore he despises, in case he likes spankings.

    Who wants a slice of the tasteful gateaux with the realistic penis candles? :D

    DomDomme

  13. DomDomme: Ah. Now we can have an "Overthinking Olympics!"

    I kind of agree with the premise that perhaps I was just relaxed, and so, more willing to take. I don't totally agree because I've been relaxed before, and it hasn't happened.

    I fucking HATE that feeling "meh" had anything to do with it. I don't like feeling meh–all disconnected and not giving a fuck–that doesn't feel good.

    I'm not sure that I get wrapped up in "serving his needs" as much as I get preoccupied with making sure I don't break my toy. Besides that, I do want to make sure his physical and emotional needs are met. Otherwise, he wouldn't want to play with me and then I'd lose interest entirely.

    It's a weird balance that I guess I haven't found yet. (obviously)

  14. @DomDomme: Thank you for the well wishes. :)

    I'll have a slice. If you'll give me a minute to find the blow torch, I'll light the penis candles.

  15. As it relates to the "murder" line, you could see that note as insurance, that I would never harm you to death. ;) I mean, what kind of murdering fool would put that in the public record. You should also feel very comfortable given the fact that I did many searches for knockout juice on Google and bought the shovel and lime on my credit card. Please, feel relaxed and at ease, it's good for the big "O" and junk.

    MB

  16. "Maybe I should ask for BDSM references on murder boy?"

    Absolutely. They are mandatory and all twue whatevers do that, you know. Though now that he has said this:

    MB: "I would never harm you to death."

    Well, phew… I'll bet you feel all kinds of better now. He has a way with the reassuring words, young Murder Boy…

    "I don't know how to get to "meh" without feeling distant or annoyed first."

    I might write a post about this. I can relate to the concept of it, but it's a bit long for comments here.

    Anyway, I am sure you are busy checking your locks and windows so that nobody 'harms you to death' in your sleep, so don't have time to read rambling comments…

    Ferns

  17. DD, ha! Totally. Post-mortems to see what worked, what didn't, and why, are fun. Heh.

    I'm with you on ultimately ensuring both parties are mutually satisfied (overall), and it's probably something that will take more iterations to nail down some of the factos that worked and what didn't.

    It might be interesting to see where the indifference springs from, and whether the "meh"-ness is causative, correlative, or unrelated (or only minorly related). Would having more contact with J during the times you're apart help with that? Or something like it?

    (I was just thinking that it's tough to verify that one's sub is getting most of their needs met when part of what fulfills them is making their dommes satisfied, even if they're just saying what they think their dommes want to hear instead of what they really want. Yeah…domme world problems, heh.)

    DomDomme
    and LOL at the blowtorch!

  18. Hey, thanks saffagrl! I appreciate it. :)

  19. @MB: Um, so on a scale of fluffy-bunny-snuggles to death, how much would you harm me?

    Do me a favor. Bring your shovel and your junk. I know just what to do with them.

    (I'd add a little smiley emoticon, but I'd be afraid you'd take that as an invitation and show up at my door with, um, juice.)

  20. @Ferns: Yeah! I'm relieved… I mean harm is one thing, but harm to death? That's extreme.

    "He has a way with the reassuring words, young Murder Boy…"

    MB has a way with words, oh yes, right up until the time he puts his foot in his mouth. But it's okay. He likes feet in his mouth.

    "I might write a post about this. I can relate to the concept of it, but it's a bit long for comments here."

    Do that! Do that!

    "I am sure you are busy checking your locks and windows so that nobody 'harms you to death' in your sleep"

    More like checking my pepper spray and ammo. :)

  21. @DomDomme: By "fun" you mean labor-intensive and torturous?

    It's cool. I like nailing down factors… or whatever. ;)

    The "meh" does stem from not enough attention when we're apart. I haven't asked for more attention because I don't want to be the girl who needs attention. So of course, the logical thing to do would be to sacrifice both my happiness and the relationship because I'm too prideful to ask for a few more phone calls or emails here and again.

    I've had nagging suspicions that he's not physically satisfied. He had a lot of experience playing hard and frequently with Super Über Dommes up in NYC. Silly me, I didn't think to buy a house with a dungeon.

    I'll know for next time. :)

    Heh.

  22. @DD: it wouldn't be so fun if it weren't such work, at least for the rewards involved. Heh.

    Yeah, pinning THAT sort of logical circularity down makes total sense. ;) Tell him what you want, once you realize you want it! Heh.

    You'll have to expand on his physical satisafaction bit. You mean in getting enough impact play, that sort of thing? I sometimes wonder about guys who go to PDs too much, but that may be my newbie self showing. Conditioning concerns and communication dynamics concerns, for one or two.

    Is it even possible to get a house in FL with a basement without opening the doorway to the ocean or inviting a sinkhole?! (laughs)

    DomDomme

  23. @DomDomme: "You'll have to expand on his physical satisafaction bit. You mean in getting enough impact play, that sort of thing?"

    Yeah. That sort of thing. Plus I don't have eyebolts in the ceiling to string him up, nor a basement, as you mentioned (ha!). Although if I dug one and created a sinkhole, I could just put him in there.

    "I sometimes wonder about guys who go to PDs too much, but that may be my newbie self showing."

    He didn't see any PDs, but from his descriptions, the Dommes he played with seemed hard core–had stables of live-ins, lots of equipment, etc. He's mentioned it here and there, but I generally don't like to hear about his past experiences, nor does he seem to want to share.

    "Is it even possible to get a house in FL with a basement without opening the doorway to the ocean or inviting a sinkhole?! (laughs)"

    What? I think a sinkhole is a great place for a sub. It sure beats the walk-in closet. :)

  24. The worst harm I would do would be to your carpet…but I will have it professionally cleaned. And by carpet I mean of the floor covering variety.

    You had me at "Um,"

    M to the B

  25. @MB: I don't have any carpet–not the floor covering variety or otherwise.

    For the record, I had you way before "um."

  26. I absolutely LOVE your style of writing :)

  27. @DD Heh! I can see your message to J: bring more lube, your tous, eyebolts, chains, and your power tools… ;)

    A sinkhole *would* be a gift of Ma Nature in the sub and basement dept, wouldn't it? I keep thinking those are the acre-sized ones with water and caves instead of the more versatile, smaller ones. /laugh

    Okay, yeah, that is some HC full-on lifestyle stuff! I'm still a wide-eyed onlooker at the um, breadth of the kink world.

    I'm not sure I'd want too many in-depth details about a sub's experiences, either, heh. At least when I felt possessive. :)

    How come you two don't get to see each other more often? You can answer that in an Ask DD post separately if you want. :)

    DomDomme

  28. @DomDomme: "How come you two don't get to see each other more often? You can answer that in an Ask DD post separately if you want."

    J and I are in what I'm calling a "driving distance" relationship. We live a couple of hours away from each other. Theoretically, we can see each other on weekends, but (too often) other stuff comes up and weeks pass before we can get together.

    Plus, we're both pretty career oriented, and he travels a lot for business.

  29. Okay. First things first. Congratulations on taking your pants off and putting your not exactly favorite body part where you were previously uncomfortable with it being! Woots and kudos!!!! And I agree, orgasms are MUCH easier to accomplish with less on your mind. And also, I agree that in thinking less about it all you Dommed him very well! Congrats on all counts! Except the "meh" no Congrats for that.
    Kittie McManus

  30. @Kitty McManus: Thank you! I do feel a little strange taking congratulations and well-wishes on my orgasm. That's okay! I'll take it!

    Yeah, still trying to figure out what to do about the "meh."

    I'll figure it out! I'm all about the over-thinking and figuring it out (not that I'm always successful).

  31. For you D. Because I said I would. http://some.ly/MIN76R

    Kittie

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