Another installment in “the orgasm project.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about orgasm and about sex in general. (Did you expect anything different? I mean, seriously… “fuck” and “fail” are in the blog subtitle…) But lately, I’m damn near obsessed. (Like you aren’t?)
I find it interesting that I’m inconsistent in my position. Depending on my head space, the time of day, and my level of self-centeredness (all in direct relation to my degree of self-pity) my attitude toward the orgasm-problem can be wildly different.
Sometimes I approach it “scientifically,” thinking that if I just read a little more about anatomy and psychology, I’ll have a breakthrough and I’ll be coming buckets in no time. Other times, it makes me far more frustrated and sad than it should. Still other times, I think it isn’t a problem at all and I should STFU about orgasms and just enjoy the satisfying sex I’m having.
It almost seems as if I’m traveling through some version of the Kübler-Ross Model, better known as the “Five Stages of Grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. (Sorry, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, for bastardizing your theory.) Of course, the stages aren’t quite linear–they’re more recursive and overlapping. As applied to my situation, I think the stages might look something like this:
Denial: As long as I’m enjoying sex, orgasm isn’t important. That’s bullshit. Yes, I’m enjoying sex, but I’m sick of pretending that orgasm doesn’t matter. It matters a lot. To a lesser degree, it also matters how I get there (well, it matters to me).
Anger: I get angry at myself: Why can’t I come? Why can’t I fucking relax? I get angry at my partners: Why can’t you make me come? Don’t you want to make me come? I get angry with highly and multi-orgasmic women on my twitter feed who seem to cum buckets forty times a day: Why do you people cum so fucking often? Don’t you have jobs?!?!
Bargaining: Maybe if I _________, then I’ll have an orgasm! I’ve filled in that blank (ha!) with too many things to count… maybe if I learn to relax, maybe if I use this thing, maybe if I find a more skilled partner, maybe if I learn to love myself…
Depression: I’ll never have an orgasm with a partner! At various times in my life, I’ve lied about it or lost interest in sex altogether. Not having sex and not wanting sex is depressing.
Acceptance: … Honestly, I don’t know what acceptance sounds like because I’m not there yet.
I imagine my application of the Five Stages of Grief might make Dr. Kübler-Ross roll in her grave. Since she’s already dead, I’m sure she won’t mind me co-opting her idea to make my own Five Six Stages of Grief — a model that I can more successfully apply to my own situation.
And so I present…
Dumb Domme’s Stages of (Inorgasmic) Grief
Oh God… Oh God? (meh.)
If I read 12 anatomy books, get a Brazilian, communicate more, relax, try harder, and/or stop trying, then of course it will happen!
WTF? It hasn’t happened. I read books, got waxed, communicated, relaxed…. and no O. Seriously, WTF?! Dammit… I. Am. So. Fucking. Close… sofuckingclose…
Waaah! *cries* Poor me…
Who the fuck cares? I don’t give a flying fuck. Fuck it. Fuck it!
*buzzzzzz* *fap fap fap* *grunt*
(But don’t worry… I have a new plan…)