May 022012
 

Another installment in “the orgasm project.”


I’ve been thinking a lot about orgasm and about sex in general. (Did you expect anything different? I mean, seriously… “fuck” and “fail” are in the blog subtitle…) But lately, I’m damn near obsessed. (Like you aren’t?)

I find it interesting that I’m inconsistent in my position. Depending on my head space, the time of day, and my level of self-centeredness (all in direct relation to my degree of self-pity) my attitude toward the orgasm-problem can be wildly different.

Sometimes I approach it “scientifically,” thinking that if I just read a little more about anatomy and psychology, I’ll have a breakthrough and I’ll be coming buckets in no time. Other times, it makes me far more frustrated and sad than it should. Still other times, I think it isn’t a problem at all and I should STFU about orgasms and just enjoy the satisfying sex I’m having.

It almost seems as if I’m traveling through some version of the Kübler-Ross Model, better known as the “Five Stages of Grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. (Sorry, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, for bastardizing your theory.) Of course, the stages aren’t quite linear–they’re more recursive and overlapping. As applied to my situation, I think the stages might look something like this:

Denial: As long as I’m enjoying sex, orgasm isn’t important. That’s bullshit. Yes, I’m enjoying sex, but I’m sick of pretending that orgasm doesn’t matter. It matters a lot. To a lesser degree, it also matters how I get there (well, it matters to me).

Anger: I get angry at myself: Why can’t I come? Why can’t I fucking relax?  I get angry at my partners: Why can’t you make me come? Don’t you want to make me come? I get angry with highly and multi-orgasmic women on my twitter feed who seem to cum buckets forty times a day: Why do you people cum so fucking often? Don’t you have jobs?!?!

Bargaining: Maybe if I _________, then I’ll have an orgasm! I’ve filled in that blank (ha!) with too many things to count… maybe if I learn to relax, maybe if I use this thing, maybe if I find a more skilled partner, maybe if I learn to love myself…

Depression: I’ll never have an orgasm with a partner! At various times in my life, I’ve lied about it or lost interest in sex altogether. Not having sex and not wanting sex is depressing.

Acceptance: … Honestly, I don’t know what acceptance sounds like because I’m not there yet.

I imagine my application of the Five Stages of Grief might make Dr. Kübler-Ross roll in her grave. Since she’s already dead, I’m sure she won’t mind me co-opting her idea to make my own Five Six Stages of Grief — a model that I can more successfully apply to my own situation.

And so I present…

Dumb Domme’s Stages of (Inorgasmic) Grief

faking orgasm

Faking:

Oh God… Oh God? (meh.)

hypothesis about inorgasmia

Hypothesizing:

If I read 12 anatomy books, get a Brazilian, communicate more, relax, try harder, and/or stop trying, then of course it will happen!

inorgasmia is frustrating

Frustration:

WTF? It hasn’t happened. I read books, got waxed, communicated, relaxed…. and no O. Seriously, WTF?! Dammit… I. Am. So. Fucking. Close… sofuckingclose…

depressed because I can't orgasm

Depression:

Waaah! *cries* Poor me…

Fuck it!

Fuck it:

Who the fuck cares? I don’t give a flying fuck. Fuck it. Fuck it!

Fapping by myself

Fapping:

*buzzzzzz*  *fap fap fap*  *grunt*

 

 

 

Yep… that model is way more representative of my process.

(But don’t worry… I have a new plan…)

  35 Responses to “stages of (inorgasmic) grief”

  1. I always find that achieving orgasm is weirdly vulnerable, and I'm not always willing to go there with a partner, not even a partner I've been with forever (I've been with one of my partners for a whopping 17 years).

    Part of that, I think, is ingrained societal expectation — like a lot of women, I grew up thinking that my sexual experience should fit "inside the envelope" of a man's sexual experience (with that envelope's borders being his arousal and his orgasm). I shed that pretty quickly, but I still often think that I take "too long" to come, and coming directly from a partner's stimulation is rare for me, particularly since, like you, I'm not a huge fan of being the receiving partner in oral sex — it rarely gets me off, and a lot of times I just find it weird and frustrating.

    I don't always want to commit to what it takes to get me off with a partner. But if I don't, after awhile — say a few weeks of regular sex without that — I find I become disinterested in sex with that partner. Which isn't fair to them, either. So ultimately I have to get real about what it actually takes for me to have an orgasm in another person's presence — whether that involves my hands or sex toys or whatever.

    What it takes for me (or you) to get off is WHAT IT TAKES, and nobody should have a problem with it. I mean, it's not like we're asking people to sacrifice puppies on the White House lawn, for goshsakes.

    Of course, and I'll speak for myself here, the main person who has a problem with what it takes for me to get off is me.

    I dunno. Maybe I'm ready to let go of that.

  2. So, this is an incredibly personal question, even for a sex blog, and you can feel free to studiously ignore it, but:

    Are you able to have an orgasm on your own, during masturbation? Or do you also find that difficult?

    For me, it's pretty easy to get off on my own. Getting off with a parter is WAY more challenging.

  3. "What it takes for me (or you) to get off is WHAT IT TAKES, and nobody should have a problem with it. I mean, it's not like we're asking people to sacrifice puppies on the White House lawn, for goshsakes. "

    rolf (but oh so true!)

    Those women who come 40 times a day are just weird imho. The vast majority of the time it takes me either a vibrator or my fingers to get me off. For ages I felt like I 'should' get off just from sex/oral sex/immaculate orgasm. At some point I got fed up and decided that if guys got upset about me needing a bit more to get me off (i.e. not just them) then that was their problem – I wanted orgasms. And it's quite fun to tease my boy that he's not man enough to get me off without any help.

    Just my two pence worth.

  4. @Lily:

    This: "ingrained societal expectation…"
    This: "I don't always want to commit to what it takes to get me off with a partner"
    And this: "I have to get real about what it actually takes for me to have an orgasm in another person's presence — whether that involves my hands or sex toys or whatever."

    I'm afraid if I say "you're 100% right" one more time, you won't believe me (but you are).

    Um, if no the White House lawn, where do you suggest I ask for the puppy sacrifice?

  5. @Lily: "Are you able to have an orgasm on your own, during masturbation?"

    Yep. I can get off fairly easily (sometimes in multiples) with a good vibe on my clit. If I have some g-spot stimulation and a vibe, sometimes I can squirt.

    I've only gotten off with just my hand once or twice.

    With a partner… damn near impossible. Part of my problem is mental (I'm sure) and part of it is the way I've trained my body to orgasm (I think).

    I'm working on it though. Practice, practice, practice.

  6. @SunnyGirl: "Those women who come 40 times a day…"

    They're very lucky women and I fucking hate them. :)

    "At some point I got fed up and decided that if guys got upset about me needing a bit more to get me off (i.e. not just them) then that was their problem"

    I wish it were that. I don't think the guy would be *too* upset (maybe a little jealous that it wasn't him), so that's not my hangup. Like Lily kinda suggested, the problem is more me than anything else. I'm getting better though… more comfortable, more understanding about how my body works… it's about damn time, too.

    Two pence? I only accept ideas in U.S. currency, sheckels, or seashells. :)

  7. where do you suggest I ask for the puppy sacrifice?

    I'd say Google around for the nearest Botanic Garden. Aesthetics are important.

  8. @Lily: Thank goodness. I finally disagree with you. Red blood and green foliage make far too stark of a contrast. I'm going to go with "steps of city hall" for the puppy sacrifice.

  9. Well, OK, then…I'm kinda thinking this through as I type, but I figure, we can expect to be able to train a partner to do what we can do for ourselves, but expecting them to get us off in a way we've never been able to get ourselves off is probably not a fruitful approach. I mean, it could happen; I've had it happen — but it's always been a kind of "Holy fuck, what just happened?!" thing; fabulous but not repeatable.

    Once upon a time, a female ruler would have had plenty of spear carriers around the throne. I say, train J to be a vibrator-carrier. It's the modern equivalent, isn't it?

    Also, Betty Dodson has a book about this topic; she's big on experimenting with trying to get yourself off sans muscle tension, and with lighter stimulation over a longer time. It's a thought, but I think one of the biggest hurdles for women is owning the fact that biologically, it just takes us way longer for us to get aroused than it does for a guy to get a boner, and in general, unless we slow sex way, way down, they just leave us in the dust and we never get to come.

    Which, I mean, FemDom to the rescue, right? I hope? Maybe?

    Oh, shit. Now I'm going to have to write a blog post. I have way too many complicated thoughts and footnotes even on this one. Damn you, DD! ;-)

  10. And people say you can't fight City Hall.

    Well, you can sure baffle them.

  11. @Lily: Good then, I love your blog posts. Figure it out and write it down, sister!

    I haven't picked up Dodson, but I probably should. I've been thinking for a while that I have a sort of female version of the male "Death Grip Syndrome." I won't get into the gory details of my masturbatory history here, but you're certainly onto something I've thought of.

    I have a partial draft of a blog post that outlines that exact far-too-detailed sexual/masturbatory history I just mentioned… if I can polish it into something not-so-fucking-ugly and half-interesting, I'll post it.

    FemDom to the rescue, in part. The "dom" part means I'm mostly responsible for my own experience, and that's fucking difficult sometimes, particularly when I've got a epic fuck ton of mental blocks and ingrained notions to get over. I wish the idea of submission didn't squick me to the core, as it would be nice to hand over my head and my flesh for a little while and let someone else figure it all out. (Um, I realize that isn't even a tiny percent of what submission is, but so far, it's the only part of it that appeals to me… and sometimes, it's so beautifully appealing)

    And now that I've probably offended the subs… I should be going now.

  12. Shit, I'm a switch, and that doesn't offend me. But the thing is, there are models of dominance that could get you to the same place. Like, "You there, slave boy, get me off, no, I do not care about your puny pleasures!" I mean, I hear a lotta guys find that super hot as a scene.

    See also: Celebrity Dominant. Just scroll down for the chartsngraphs.

  13. I'm 110% sure I'm not the "celebrity dominant" type. I mean, I could be if I didn't give a fuck about my partner. But I do.

    But the rest of it… fuck. I gotta think about this for a while.

    At least that might distract me from my own crotch for a fucking minute.

  14. "Why do you people cum so fucking often? Don't you have jobs?!?!"

    *laugh* I know, right?!

    Also, stop soaking every fucking surface in every fucking place IN THE WORLD with your infernal squirting and get the fuck out of my way!!

    Ferns

  15. I like your FHFDFF Model of the six stages of grief!

    Hmmm given you can orgasm easily when alone, maybe it would work to totally objectify him (if you haven't already tried) as if he weren't there – and see if you can cum still? I bet he'd enjoy it… Just my two pesos. :)

  16. @Anon: So we have pesos, pence, pennys, sheckels, and seashells… um, whats the exchange rate on all of that? Wait, don't tell me… I'm in the US… I don't want to know!

    "maybe it would work to totally objectify him"

    That's kinda the plan. Next time I see him, he'll be a non-person… a passive observer, if that. At least, that's the plan. I mean… I intend to test the objectification theory. :) Yes. That's the plan.

  17. @Ferns: "Also, stop soaking every fucking surface in every fucking place IN THE WORLD"

    Seriously!! And really, if the cum-squad must soak every surface within a quarter square mile range, so be it. Just please, cum-squad, for the love of all things good, don't post photos of your wet spots… wet spot photos are equal parts cringe-worthy, jealousy-inducing, and kinda-icky.

    (really, I'm just jealous… but honestly, enough with the wet spot photos!)

  18. "Why do you people cum so fucking often? Don't you have jobs?!?!" God, that and your hijacked stages of grief are seriously too funny.

    I really love your particular mix of intellect, humor, seriousness, and frustration in these posts. Hopefully your plan works. We're rooting for you!

    ~R.

  19. @Rogue Scholar: "I really love your particular mix of intellect, humor, seriousness, and frustration in these posts."

    Well, thank you, but I really wish it were put on. I really am that serious and frustrated!

    Root a little harder please! Um, and a little to the left… :)

  20. "They're very lucky women and I fucking hate them. :) "

    See, me, I think they're just liars. Or as Ferns said, they don't have jobs.

    I like your objectification idea. I'm with Lily though, a vibrator (for you) is the way forward, and quite possibly a gag (for J).

    I believe the conversion rate of two pence to US currency is about 2 x 10^150. Or .03 of a sea shell (yep, a broken one).

  21. @SunnyGirl: I just wonder how much sex is required for 20 orgasms in a single day. A couple of hours? I'd like to see a little more action, but I imagine having sex 3-4 hours every day would get boring.

    Thank you for putting your math in terms of seashells. It's the only way I understand numbers. :)

  22. God do I feel for you, D. If I knew of any way to help you, I would. I second the 'objectification' idea. It may not be you or J's normal way of playing, but if it works you'll both be happy. I know as a sub that it can be a fun form of play for both people involved, in moderation of course.

    Erma Bombeck had absolutely nothing on You. You are moving to the top of my 'favorite people in the world that i don't even know but really wish that i did' list.

    submichael65

  23. @submichael65: I think something along the lines of objectification will work. I mean, I don't know if it will work, but it sounds like fun. :) I have a pretty good idea what I'll do to J next time I see him.

    "i don't even know but really wish that i did"

    You know a lot more about me than my IRL friends. That's got to count for something. :)

  24. IRL?

  25. Lily = pure awesome. Fact.

  26. IRL = in real life

  27. I'm not offended at all, but I wanted to bring up this: I wish the idea of submission didn't squick me to the core, as it would be nice to hand over my head and my flesh for a little while and let someone else figure it all out. (Um, I realize that isn't even a tiny percent of what submission is, but so far, it's the only part of it that appeals to me… and sometimes, it's so beautifully appealing)
    First of all, I find the idea of Dominating someone somewhat squick-ish, which I take to mean that I'm submissive. So You being squicked by submitting, as a Dominant, kind of makes sense.

    Secondly, perhaps "relaxing and accepting his service" is kind of the same thing as "hand[ing] over my head and my flesh," isn't it? Whether it is submissive or Dominant kind of depends on the frame of mind, I think.

    From my perspective, it's kind of my job as a submissive guy to learn how to read Mistress's body. If the tongue isn't quite getting there; and I can tell that a finger or two might help; then I can either ask permission or I can try it out and be corrected if I'm wrong. If fingers and tongue aren't working, and there is a nice vibe nearby; then should I wait for Her to interrupt Her pleasure to order me to give Her what I know She needs, or should I simply give Her what She wants?

  28. @Tomio: I won't put on you the responsibility of speaking for all subs (everyone is different), but I am really glad to hear I didn't offend you.

    And what you say is absolutely true: "perhaps "relaxing and accepting his service" is kind of the same thing as "hand[ing] over my head and my flesh…"

    I'm trying, but I'm just not there yet. :)

  29. What? I don't speak for all subs? Well, there goes my delusion of grandeur…

  30. I am taking bioidentical hormones..testosterone, progesterone, estrogen compounded by a supposedly great pharmacy and prescribed by a no. one gynocologist but for some reason I’ve become inorgasmic. I have a great desire to have sex and I enjoy orgasms and am very angry and frustrated at not being ale to come–only rarely and then it’s not very good. I have to use vibrators because I need so much stimulation. I am a widow. I can remember in my younger years that I was easily stimulated and orgasmed just fine. Something feels wrong with my body. Herbs don’t work, etc. I have been researching this for some time bur cannot find an answer as to what my problem is. I feel so much better when I have lots of orgasms. Now, it’s slim to none. Nobody and no dr. can help. Do you have any information that might help?

    • Hello Sharyl,

      I’m sorry to hear that you’ve having orgasm issues. Unfortunately, I’m in a similar situation, so I can’t offer you any information that might help. I’m not taking any hormones and haven’t seen a doctor about my issues, but l rarely orgasm without the help of a vibrator either (only a few times in the past year, and only once with my partner–and that was with a vibrator).

      I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you, but if you ever find an answer, please share!

      It’s frustrating and it sucks, but I guess we should be happy we can have orgasms at all… even with a vibrator. :)

      Best to you.
      D

  31. “Not having sex and not wanting sex is depressing.”

    Ugh. Yes, it is. I was in the legitimate “I don’t want sex” and “obviously, I’m not made to have sex or to enjoy anything sexual” state for years. Fucking. Horrible.

    • Yeah. I’m not so much in the “I don’t want sex” place as the “I don’t want to be pleasured” place. Of course, I take pleasure from hurting, teasing, and giving pleasure, but it’s not the same as being touched, being pleased, and receiving pleasure. I miss being touched. I miss being passive(?) and receiving pleasure. It’s my own fault, I know, but it doesn’t look like it’s in my sexual forecast any time in the near future.

      I guess I am a little broke, aren’t I?

      • If you’re broken, than so am I, because I honestly understand what you mean and have felt it too often.

        We can be broken together, it’s okay. :)

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