May 162012

Dear D, 

I am a new sub (female) and my Dom (male) is new too, but He’s had more experience than I have. I am on the more subservient side and it is important that I get pleasure because He gets most of His pleasure off that. 

Now I was reading your blog post “I lied” about your orgasm issues. Since then, you told your sub that you haven’t been able to reach orgasm with him from clitoral stimulation. 

I have the same issue and I’ve tried telling Him about this. But He insists I’m unable to orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone because He didn’t give me direct permission to cum. 

Here’s the bigger issue: 

Currently we’re a long distance relationship but I’ll be moving in with him in 2 weeks time. From the time we started talking, I cheated on my ex to be with Master. One night He tried to hypnotize me without me realizing it but the session was interrupted by my ex walking into the room and I was not able to reach the deep “sleep” I was in before. But now Master is convinced that when ever He says a specific command that I go into a deep trance… I play along… that’s the first lie… 

The second lie is when He says another command he thinks I will orgasm instantly. It kills me though that I’m not able to cum on command for him… That I’m faking it. I’m conscious during the “trance”… He’ll ask me questions, tell me to do things, etc. He thinks I’m hypnotized. What makes it more difficult is He told me some VERY personal things about Him.. During the end of the trance, He tells me I won’t remember going into it… That I’m suppose to forget what ever He’s told me. I am not sure how he will take that I know these things or how he will take learning all of it was a lie.. a HUGE lie. 

Since we will be together so soon, I’m sure it’s going to stir up some trouble. In my defense, the definition of hypnosis is acting as if hypnotized or actually being in the state. I am obedient in his requests and answer him honestly without side remarks, etc… I have the effects I’m suppose to have as a result of commands during this time… I THINK I orgasm mentally… not psychically… feeling drained energy wise, increase in vaginal discharge, out of breath, but I don’t know if that’s just me playing along… 

I don’t know how to fix this especially since He takes my pleasure quite seriously. I feel terrible… 

Can you give me some advice? How you would react? How you would tell Him? The last thing I want is to disappoint Master. I’ve been honest with everything except for that. 

Thanks in advance, 

Hello H,

You suggested your Dom is still new–does he have any experience in hypnosis, training conditioned responses, or orgasm control? Those things require some training and practice, but from the details you provided, it doesn’t sound like your Dom has much understanding or experience in those areas.

The kind of orgasm control you mentioned is a conditioned response. Conditioned response is just that–it’s conditioned, over time. Let’s use your details to construct a hypothetical situation–the Dom wants to train his sub to orgasm on command.

In theory, to condition an orgasm, the sub must be brought to orgasm (by her hand or his) while being given the cue/command. This–physically being brought to orgasm while hearing the command–has to happen over and over and over again for it to be conditioned. As training progresses (in theory), the sub will need less and less physical intervention until eventually, she will be able to orgasm with the command alone, without any other physical or mental preparation. Check out “Orgasm Control Training” and “Orgasm Control” for more on this.

Without experience in hypnosis, without understanding conditioned responses, and without having put in the time needed for training, your Dom’s belief he could make you orgasm on command after one distance “session” over the internet is presumptuous, ignorant, or both.

What’s more troubling is that it sounds like he attempted to hypnotize you without your awareness or consent. Before this hypnosis “session,” did you give consent to be hypnotized? Did you consent to be conditioned to trance and/or orgasm on command? If you didn’t give explicit consent for those things, then at best your Dom was careless and irresponsible, and at worst, his actions were potentially dangerous. What if he had been successful in hypnotizing you (without your consent), and under hypnosis, he made you do something you didn’t want to do (again, without your consent)? I won’t get into extremes, but you can see how this might be troubling and potentially dangerous.

But your question was about how to handle the situation with your Dom, so let’s get to that.

It sounds like you already know you have to tell him the truth about everything. Most importantly, I’m sure you want to start this new phase of your relationship with honesty and openness.

Besides that, you won’t be able to pretend that he can hypnotize you into a suggestive state for very long. If he thinks he can hypnotize you, make you do things, and condition your responses, he’s going to do it for other purposese and you’ll have to play along. Imagine the possibilities! He’ll “hypnotize” you and “make” you put on that schoolgirl’s uniform and wash his car, or hypnotize you to juggle bowling balls for three hours for his amusement, or hypnotize you to into believing you’re a horse and make you gallop around the park… To keep up the facade, you would have to go along with whatever he “hypnotized” you to do–it won’t be possible to keep it up for very long.

Before you figure out how to come clean and apologize, you need to understand that your lie did a few things: it led your Dom to reveal personal things he might not have revealed if he had known you’d remember, it led him to think he had/has the power to make you orgasm on command, and it led him to disbelieve you when when you told him what you needed to be satisfied in bed. When you do tell him the truth, be prepared to deal with more than just your initial lie, but those other issues too.

When the time comes to have the talk, I recommend you do a couple of things: tell the truth, explain your reasons, consider his ego, and suggest a plan for moving forward (a plan that should include some important discussions).

First, of course, you need to tell the truth. In your email, you said:

“In my defense, the definition of hypnosis is acting as if hypnotized or actually being in the state. I am obedient in his requests and answer him honestly without side remarks, etc… I have the effects I’m suppose to have as a result of commands during this time… I THINK I orgasm mentally… not psychically… feeling drained energy wise, increase in vaginal discharge, out of breath, but I don’t know if that’s just me playing along…”

I don’t know what definition of hypnosis your using, but the common understanding of “being hypnotized” is not acting like your hypnotized, so I don’t buy that as a defense and you don’t either. If you believed that, then you wouldn’t feel as if you’ve been dishonest. You already know you’re playing along–thinking about orgasm and imagining yourself having an orgasm are not the same as having an orgasm. You’re using these excuses to make yourself feel better and to justify continuing the dishonesty. I suggest you don’t use this sort of defense or make excuses when you tell him the truth. Instead, honestly tell him why you were dishonest, which leads me to…

Second, instead of giving excuses or defenses, explain why you lied in the first place. From your email, it sounds like your explanation for lying was because you wanted to please him, and possibly, because you wanted the hypnosis to work. Letting him know why you did it–to make him happy–won’t make it all better, but it might help.

Third, be prepared for his bruised ego. When you tell him you lied about the trance and the conditioned orgasm, he’s probably going to feel stupid. (He probably should feel stupid for thinking he could train you to orgasm on command after a single web cam conversation.) Regardless of whether or not he should feel stupid, I assume you don’t want him to feel that way because you care about his feelings and because your dishonesty caused them. I don’t know how he acts when his ego is damaged, but be prepared for anything from anger to punishment to disappointment to some sort of withdrawal.

Last, you need to suggest a plan for moving forward that includes an assurance of honesty in the future and includes discussions about consent, limits, expectations, and needs.

Those discussions–about consent, limits, expectations, and needs–are really important. In terms of consent and limits, each of you should take some time alone and consider how you feel about the range of activities, practices, and methods available to you. I recommend you find a comprehensive BDSM checklist to fill out and discuss. BDSM checklists are long lists of activities that ask you to indicate your experience and rate your interest in each. (There are links to a couple of checklists below, and there are lots more out there.) After you both fill out the checklists privately, sit down, compare your responses, discuss, ask questions, negotiate, and don’t end the conversation until you’re sure you understand each others interests and limits (limits being activities you don’t consent to).

In terms of expectations and needs, you two need to have an honest conversation about what your expectations are for the relationship, the D/s dynamic, and play/sexual activity–both your expectations for now and in the future. As part of that discussion, you will have to tell him what you need to be sexually and emotionally satisfied, how you need/want to be touched, what turns you on, what you need to reach climax, what sort of aftercare you need when playtime/sex is over, etc.

Good luck to you, and let me know how it turns out.


BDSM Checklists:

The Importance of Checklists, link
The BRC Online Checklist, link
Darkwatch Online Checklist, link
CEPE Printable Checklist, link
Leather & Roses Play Checklist, link
Leather & Roses Scene Negotiation Checklist, link

  4 Responses to “advice: hypnosis, orgasm control, and lies”

  1. Great post really good read! definitely will recommend to my girls :)

  2. Did you hear from her again?

    • @Anon: “Did you hear from her again?”

      Yes. She emailed within a couple of days and told me about her plans to let her dominant know. A few days after that, she emailed with the happy news that she had told him. He was hurt, but ultimately, was happy she admitted the truth and is eager to know how better to ensure she has orgasms during play/sex.

      It’s been a couple of months though… I’m curious as to how they’re getting along. I might just drop her an email to see what’s up.

      I’m wishing them the best!

  3. That’s great that she came clean and that he has accepted the fact that he can’t think an orgasm for her LOL

    Keep us posted

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