It’s taken me this long to figure out how to respond to five or six private messages I received after posting post-mortem, J’s response, and my response to his response (confusing, huh?). I guess this is the response to your response after my response to his response (okay. I’m dizzy.)
After reading the various messages about that exchange and about other stuff, I’m wondering whether I’m misrepresenting reality, or perhaps, I’m misunderstanding reality. I guess it’s probably a mix of both?
Here is some flavor from some of the messages I’ve received:
“From an observer’s standpoint you appear to be “all in” on this hand and he’s holding something back. Your doubting yourself because of it.”
“J seems manipulative from my experience. Just be careful he isn’t a dominant bottom and you just don’t know any better.”
“Thing is, if I was hearing this from one of my vanilla-real-life friends, I would be a bit worried about you. . . Worried that you might be more emotionally invested in this relationship than he is and that you might get hurt.”
“I don’t know what kind of sub school he went to but J is not submissive. He might be submissive in bed but he is not submissive in Y/your relationship. j is the kind of submissive that gives submissives a bad name. j is not a sub and I hate to be the one to tell you that he is using You to exercise his kinks.”
I don’t know what to do with all of that, except to say that I’m aware.
I’m aware, and besides that, here is what little I can tell you:
- I know I’m more emotionally invested than J is. I’m aware. There isn’t much I can do about that other than to be careful and guard my heart as best I can.
- I’m far more forthcoming on here on the blog than I am with J. It’s not that I’m being dishonest with him, it’s more that I’m working out my feelings here. And honestly, in as much as I value communication, not every thought that comes out of my head requires articulation and communication. J doesn’t need to know every little thing that makes my synapses fire. I think it’s far more healthy for me to keep some of my thoughts and emotions to myself. I guess part of this blog is me managing my emotion. Management is good.
- I know this relationship will break. All relationships do. Growing apart, moving away, fizzling out, epic argument, violation of trust, or death–one way or another, all relationships end. It’s just a matter of time. It’s not that I’m not a romantic, it’s just that I don’t hold that romanticized ideal in the same way that some other people do. “Forever” isn’t something I value highly.
- I know I have agency. At this point, it’s all up to me–to learn to accept J’s realities, or to try to make changes in our relationship, or to move on and find someone else (or not). It’s up to me to make a choice. I know that. For the time being, my choice is that I’m not making a choice. I’m still figuring out what I want and what’s important to me, so I choose whatever he is, whatever this is… for now. I see J when I see him, I have a great time when I do, and try to be realistic and level-headed about everything else.
So, that’s all I know about that. And to the emailers, messagers, and commenters, thank you for your kindness, your great advice, and your friendship. :)