Apr 132012

It’s taken me this long to figure out how to respond to five or six private messages I received after posting post-mortem, J’s response, and my response to his response (confusing, huh?). I guess this is the response to your response after my response to his response (okay. I’m dizzy.)

After reading the various messages about that exchange and about other stuff, I’m wondering whether I’m misrepresenting reality, or perhaps, I’m misunderstanding reality. I guess it’s probably a mix of both?

Here is some flavor from some of the messages I’ve received:

From an observer’s standpoint you appear to be “all in” on this hand and he’s holding something back. Your doubting yourself because of it.
J seems manipulative from my experience. Just be careful he isn’t a dominant bottom and you just don’t know any better.
Thing is, if I was hearing this from one of my vanilla-real-life friends, I would be a bit worried about you. . . Worried that you might be more emotionally invested in this relationship than he is and that you might get hurt.
I don’t know what kind of sub school he went to but J is not submissive. He might be submissive in bed but he is not submissive in Y/your relationship. j is the kind of submissive that gives submissives a bad name. j is not a sub and I hate to be the one to tell you that he is using You to exercise his kinks.

I don’t know what to do with all of that, except to say that I’m aware.

I’m aware, and besides that, here is what little I can tell you:

  • I know I’m more emotionally invested than J is. I’m aware. There isn’t much I can do about that other than to be careful and guard my heart as best I can.
  • I’m far more forthcoming on here on the blog than I am with J. It’s not that I’m being dishonest with him, it’s more that I’m working out my feelings here. And honestly, in as much as I value communication, not every thought that comes out of my head requires articulation and communication. J doesn’t need to know every little thing that makes my synapses fire. I think it’s far more healthy for me to keep some of my thoughts and emotions to myself. I guess part of this blog is me managing my emotion. Management is good.
  • I know this relationship will break. All relationships do. Growing apart, moving away, fizzling out, epic argument, violation of trust, or death–one way or another, all relationships end. It’s just a matter of time. It’s not that I’m not a romantic, it’s just that I don’t hold that romanticized ideal in the same way that some other people do. “Forever” isn’t something I value highly.
  • I know I have agency. At this point, it’s all up to me–to learn to accept J’s realities, or to try to make changes in our relationship, or to move on and find someone else (or not). It’s up to me to make a choice. I know that. For the time being, my choice is that I’m not making a choice. I’m still figuring out what I want and what’s important to me, so I choose whatever he is, whatever this is… for now. I see J when I see him, I have a great time when I do, and try to be realistic and level-headed about everything else.

So, that’s all I know about that. And to the emailers, messagers, and commenters, thank you for your kindness, your great advice, and your friendship.  :)

  3 Responses to “responses to response (to responses)”

  1. My penny's worth.
    You see that's an issue, which means that you're completely able to recognize it (which is important) and work through it (if you so care).

    I sorta chuckled at that letter and moved on at
    > from my experience.
    > Slashy speak (oh how I hate it).

    Anyhow, good luck to ya.

  2. It's funny (or maybe sad) sometimes how the written word can be taken differently by different people. Maybe it is because I am submissive, but I really didn't take what J had to say as most others here seem to have.

    In any relationship, vanilla, kinky, BDSM, D/s, or otherwise, the most important aspects are trust, honesty, and communication. Take this from one who's been married for 30+ years. With that said, what I took from the posts were that you enjoyed your time with J even though you knew or sensed that he wanted more. You told him that being his Domme,to you,sometimes less is more and he would have to except that. He intern said he too enjoyed the time, was honest enough to admit your assessment was correct, and not only excepted it but was excited because he viewed it as you asserting more control. Maybe his mistake was simply saying he could take more and wanted more, rather then saying he was willing to accept more if it would please you.

    Every relationship needs to grow in order to survive. It's a growth process and will not always be easy. Personally, my wife went from asking me what I
    wanted, needed, or desired, to accusing me of topping from the bottom. To me it came suddenly and was a bit of a shock. To her she just came to a point where she was ready to embrace her dominance where prior she was a little tentative about it all. I can tell you that through that process she learned to provide me with what I need and use those wants and desires to move the relationship to her terms.

    You can't punish a masochist by spanking him, nor a sissy by making him wear panties, You could reward one with a beating and maybe get a project or chores done by the other while he wears them, but first you need to know. I don't know how much experience J brings to the table but I think he is anxiously awaiting for you to take further control. He might be a bit overzealous and want it to move faster then you are comfortable with but I don't think he's less invested.

  3. "I'm aware. There isn't much I can do about that other than to be careful and guard my heart as best I can."

    That's about it. :) Just keep choosing what makes you happy 51%+ of the time.

    I think the most difficult thing in all this is the ambiguity of the written word. Whenever you read something, an email, a blog, a text, it comes with no body language, tone of voice, expression or context. And as we all know, only about 5% of communication is actually through words.

    All these multiple interpretations of your and J's relationship/emails/etc. are interesting and valid. But a conversation with J in five minutes will tell you more accuately what's going on than years of emails and online speculation.

    Hope it all works out well for you.

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