Apr 062012

I am so fucking stupid sometimes.

Okay… maybe it’s not outright stupidity, but more the crippling ignorance that accompanies my many (seemingly conflicting) personal flaws: 1) my absolute self-centeredness in thinking the world revolves around me, 2) my inability to trust my instincts, and 3) my propensity to mistrust and misinterpret others (because, you know, the world revolves around me…)

I’m a reaction-junkie, and in general, I’m getting good at eliciting the reactions I want from J. If I’m being sadistic, I’m usually rewarded with beautiful pained expressions, whispers through clenched teeth, and an “ohhhhh” with a particular cadence I could never accurately describe in words. If I’m being sweet, that sweetness is usually met with deep blue eyes that beg for more and soft moans that betray his self-discipline.

But sometimes, J gets quiet. He seems disconnected from what’s going on. Sometimes, administration of pain is met with unfocused eyes, hard use is met with silence, and sweetness is met with confusion. Because those reactions seem like inappropriate returns for my actions, I don’t know how to read them. I’ve tried to figure them out… Is he upset? Is he angry with me? Did I hurt him in a way I didn’t intend? Was I too rough? Have I crossed some sort of boundary I didn’t know existed? Is he not reacting because he’s bored?

When it happens, I ask if he’s okay. While he always says that he is, I can’t shake the suspicion that something is wrong. So, I ask again. And again, and again.

I hate that my asking undermines my sometimes-feigned appearance of confidence. I hate that I don’t really believe him when he answers. I hate that asking someone if they’re okay over and over and over again must be really fucking annoying.

In a more vanilla moment, once, I asked him about what he’s feeling when he goes quiet. He explained that he just gets that way–quiet and foggy and unfocused–when he’s feeling sub-spacey. While I didn’t totally believe him, it was enough to convince me that at least he wasn’t hurt or angry when he got like that.

Since then, I’ve stopped asking so often, in part because I’m fairly sure he’s physically fine, and in part because I so desperately want to get him into subspace–his mention of it was really exciting to me. I want him to feel subspace nearly as much as I want to have enough power and control to get him there.

So recently, instead of asking if he’s okay, I’ve started looking for signs of subspace.

And last night, it happened again. In the middle of play, he became increasingly unfocused. At first, he stumbled over his words, and eventually, he got quiet. Things progressed, J went silent, and at some point, he was suddenly physically weak and had to lean on me for support.

I started the familiar retreat into my own head trying to figure out what was happening. We weren’t playing hard. I had barely abused him, and I had only just started to use him…  So why this? Why the silence? Why the change in his behavior? Did I do something wrong?

Just before the questions cluttered up my head and made my enjoyment damn near impossible, I made a conscious decision to stop over-thinking. I just stopped. I shook it off. I decided to trust myself, to trust him, and to trust the explanation he had provided about this sort of strange behavior.

And I did. I threw away my self-doubt, abandoned my mistrust, and allowed myself to enjoy what I saw and what I felt. J was in subspace, and getting him there made me feel powerful and nurturing and beautiful… and I let myself enjoy it. I fucking loved it. Seeing his blank expression, hearing his mangled words trail off into silence, feeling his beautiful weakness, I was sure he was there–floating somewhere, disconnected from everything but me, my words, my touch.

Just once, I asked him if he was okay, but only because I wanted to hear him say it. I wanted to hear him say he was out, or under, or floating, or whatever it is that a person feels in subspace. While he didn’t say what I hoped to hear, he did confirm that was okay and he nuzzled his face against my neck. That was enough for me.

For the next hour or so, I held him and petted him and whispered my love to him, although I wasn’t sure that he was listening. I didn’t care. I was too wrapped up in him, too wrapped up in my own feelings of power and control, enjoying the absolute satisfaction I felt in being able to get him into subspace, to disconnect him from everything else, everything outside of us.

When he seemed steady enough, I left for a moment to get him water. He drank it all at once, and after he had recovered a little more, he apologized for his behavior.

Apologize? For what?

I was about to cut him off, to tell him there was no need to apologize for drifting into subspace, but I didn’t get the chance.

J went on to explain that he was quiet because he felt sick… he didn’t eat dinner and had too much to drink.

I thought J was in subspace.

He wasn’t… he was drunk.

I am so fucking stupid sometimes.

  10 Responses to “(not in) subspace”

  1. Oh, man. I felt so hapy for you right up until those last few grafs!

    I actually explicitly require that my girl be forthcoming, and I tell her that I will feel really awful if we end up doing something that still feels bad — physically, mentally, emotionally — the next day. I tell her that that is something I expect her to keep ME safe from, by being forthcoming about what she's thinking and by USING THE GODDAMN SAFEWORD DAMMIT.

    I don't want to walk away from a scene feeling like a monster and a perp.

    Does she sometimes get annoyed with my requests for reassurance? Of the three things I require from her, is being forthcoming the hardest and does she sometimes try to duck it? Oh yes.

    She doesn't like being that transparent.

    You know what? Too bad!

    I wouldn't fly a plane blindfolded, either!

    If she wants to get the kind of play and sex she finds thrilling, she's gonna hafta pony up with the information. Otherwise, I'll back off into less edgy forms of play; that's just the way it works for me.

  2. What Lily said times eleventy hundred.

    I have to trust *him* to communicate well if I want to feel free and safe enough to get crazy-wild on his arse, otherwise I'm second-guessing and my goodness, that's exhausting and distracting.

    I am loving your blog more and more, by the way!


  3. You know even with the title, I read it thinking that it sounded like subspace to me, or at least what I've heard of it, and the edges I've touched. I think it was a reasonable assumption on your part, and his fault for not communicating that he was feeling unwell.

  4. @Lily:

    "I wouldn't fly a plane blindfolded, either!"

    You're freaking brilliant, woman!

    I'm glad it wasn't a heavy-play sort of situation, because you're right, someone could get hurt (physically, emotionally, etc.). If he got hurt, I'd feel terrible.

    Thankfully, it was only a situation where I ended up feeling stupid, but dammit, I really hate feeling stupid.

  5. @Ferns:

    "What Lily said times eleventy hundred."

    Yes! I often find myself thinking that about Lily. Either that, or "why didn't I think of that!"

    "otherwise I'm second-guessing and my goodness, that's exhausting and distracting."

    True. And I do enough second-guessing that I generally need a nap afterwards. Second-guessing myself is already a full time job, and damn, it's tiring.

    "I am loving your blog more and more, by the way!"

    Why thank you! I'm finding I have a serious love hate relationship with it these days. :)

  6. @Peroxide:

    "I read it thinking that it sounded like subspace to me, or at least what I've heard of it,"

    I've flirted with the idea that J has been a little sub-spacey at times, but I have trouble believing him sometimes because, you know, stuff like this where I think he's sub-spacey only to later find out he's drunk.

    I have trouble understanding things outside of my own experience, and I've never experienced sub-space, nor seen it really, so I have no idea what it looks like and no clue what to look for. I guess I'll just have to keep looking.

  7. I have trouble understanding things outside of my own experience
    Me too, I feel like I've been on the fringe, it sure sounds like a swell place to be.

  8. I love the self satisfaction of helping ken into subspace and thankfully, for some reason, the lines beside his eyes change when he is there (an odd phenomenon that took me a while to spot) so I can tell without asking if he is lost to me. I am very fortunate that it doesn’t take much to send him into subspace and I can do it by text message so he is often already there when I arrive in his place.

    I actually have a rule of no play if more than 4 units of alcohol have been consumed because I can’t trust his reactions and it leads to frustration.

    • @Elsie: “I am very fortunate that it doesn’t take much to send him into subspace and I can do it by text message so he is often already there when I arrive in his place. “

      That’s good to hear! Unfortunately, I’m not so capable when it comes to getting boy into subspace. It takes a lot longer and I’m still often unsure of whether he’s there or not.

      If only I could make it happen by text message!

      • I know. I am spoiled. However I do defend my smugness with the fact that his alpha side is STRONG and if he is not in subspace when I arrive it can be hard work.

        He is never in subspace when he comes to my place as he can’t drive in subspace so I have to be ready to knock his socks off when he arrives :-)

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