Apr 292012

Another installment in “the orgasm project.”

In comments to a post about sex techniques over on N. Likes’s blog, My Dissolute Life, I briefly lamented my inability to come to orgasm with a partner: “Even with pressure, fingers, face, a man with three hands and never-ending patience, it’s still difficult for me to get off. I’ve only ever come to orgasm with a partner a couple of times in my life.”

In the conversation that followed, I mentioned that I can get off on my own using a vibrator, but unfortunately, I’ve not been able to come to orgasm with my partner of over a year. Part of the problem, I already know, is that I don’t want to use a vibrator when I’m with J. I don’t want a vibrator to get me off, I want J to get me off.

N. Likes responded:

I’m not a sex columnist, but….This sounds a bit like a manufactured problem. The problem is that you can’t cum in a certain way. But you can cum another way. And you want to cum the way you can’t. The problem isn’t how you do or don’t cum. It’s how you relate to how you cum. If you go the rest of your life constructing this as a problem, you’ll die miserable about it. But if you can find a path to sharing the way you do cum with a partner, and involving him/her in it, and seeing that as hot sex, then you’ve hit the jackpot. (emphasis added)

This sort of advice is common, and it’s good advice, but I’m sick of hearing it. I also imagine that I’m a little defensive because I realize my thinking on the matter probably needs a defense.

I responded by asking N. Likes to put himself in my shoes:

If you were in my position, I assume the scenario would be something like this: you have a partner who you love, are immensely attracted to, but you can’t cum inside of her during sex and you can’t cum in her mouth. The only way you can cum is sitting beside her, jacking yourself off with some masturbatory aid. She can participate, sure, but she can’t make you cum—her pussy doesn’t make you cum, her hands don’t make you cum, and her mouth doesn’t make you cum. You have to make yourself cum, not inside her, not on her, just next to her. Sure. That might be hot here and there, but as a sort of standard practice, how easy would it be for you to see that as hot sex? Wouldn’t you want more? And if you did want more, would that wanting be a “manufactured problem?”

N. Likes’ response:

Seems to me that (and maybe this is a basic life point, rather than a sexual point) when things ARE a certain way, when they resist change, the greatest prospect for happiness likes in acceptance. Not in roll-over-and-play-dead acceptance, but in wise-old-person acceptance. If the way I’m wired doesn’t let me cum in my partner (today or any day), then fuck, I hope I have the good fortune to be able to smile and enjoy cumming wherever, whenever, however I can. [. . .] (emphasis added)

I don’t doubt N. Likes’ sincerity and I appreciate his advice, but I’m not sure I believe he’d be able to simply “smile and enjoy” if he were in my position. It’s easy for someone to saythey’d be happy in my shoes. In reality, I think people (men, particularly) would have a much harder time accepting it.Besides that, imagine yourself in J’s shoes–imagine you were unable to bring your partner to orgasm. You wouldn’t be happy if you couldn’t make your partner come, would you? J isn’t happy about it. Besides the fact that we’re in a relationship where he cares about me and wants to make sure I’m happy, we have a D/s thing going. As a submissive, it has to suck balls to be unsuccessful in making your dominant partner come.

I want this, he wants this, and I’m pretty sure it can happen… it just hasn’t.

And honestly, I am happy with what I have–a sweet, sexy partner who puts my happiness first, satisfying sex/play time, and what appears to be some sort of relationship that’s working out for both of us… but I still want more.

Is my problem manufactured? Maybe. But for now, that doesn’t make it any less of a problem.

  14 Responses to “manufactured problem”

  1. Apologies that you may have answered this question elsewhere, or that the answer is basically what you just said here, but I'll ask anyway:

    What about J handling the vibrator and his actions with the toy making you climax? You could even bring it into your D/s dynamic; you train him how to use the vibrator to bring the orgasm you seek.

    I know that it would not be J's body bringing you the pleasure, but it would be him… just as when I use a toy with SwingBot. Though the item that I use is obviously not a part of me, it is my use of it that feels so good to him. Likewise, he has used toys on me, bringing me to orgasm with them, but I still consider him the source of the pleasure, since it is what he did with the toys.

  2. I think both points are valid. Being someone who has never been able to give an orgasm to or receive one from a partner, I understand that it's frustrating as hell. On the other hand, I refused to stop having sex. The only thing I could do was try to make the other parts fun. Talking helps too, I suppose.

    I feel like fairy dust would help fix all of this, but the darn buggers are so hard to catch. Oh and Week Bi Week's suggestion sounds good too.

    Best of luck

  3. The smart ass in me (which is about 85% of me by volume) wants to swagger in and say that this is one problem I'd be glad to help with.

    Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I've got to say that the prospect of not being able to make my SO cum is terrifying. But if it was using toys or nothing, I'd be pleased to use toys.

  4. @Week Bi Week: "What about J handling the vibrator and his actions with the toy making you climax?"

    That's actually a very good idea, and one I'm considering. I've been hesitating, in part, because I'd like to have just one orgasm using just J before bringing in a vibrator. He's really, really into oral service, so I know it would mean a lot to him to do it on his own. And of course, I'd like that too.

    But, you're totally right. If and when I decide to bring a vibrator into play time, it will be as an extension of him and not a replacement.

  5. @Rogue Scholar: "I think both points are valid."

    True, which is why I go back and forth in my obsessing. :) On one hand, I am happy and satisfied. But on the other hand, I want what I want.

    I feel like fairy dust would help fix all of this, but the darn buggers are so hard to catch.

    I've had no luck setting unicorn traps, but I hadn't thought about fairies… if I make the unicorn trap in a much smaller size, it might work for a fairy… I'll let you know how it works out. :)

  6. @Peroxide: "The smart ass in me (which is about 85% of me by volume) wants to swagger in and say that this is one problem I'd be glad to help with."

    I don't mind a smart ass–smart asses are fun. :)

    After I posted "la petite mort," I got a one-line email that read "I want to murder you." That? That wasn't fun… that was creepy.

  7. Well if it's just a "little" death….

    No?! still creepy?

    what about a joke about being smothered in affection? Really, No?

    *I'll just show myself out*

  8. @Peroxide: Yep, still creepy.

    I assume you can show yourself out… smart-ass creeper. :)

  9. I'm having the exact same problem. This is the first time I've had a partner that couldn't make me climax orally. I can still get off when we have sex, so long as I'm on top, but I'd like some fucking variety (pun sorta intended).

    It's become a bit of a mission for me. I am determined for Iris to give me an orgasm orally, even if he has to be down there every spare minute!

    We're both feeling a bit like failures that it hasn't worked for us so far. He thinks he's not good at it (not true), and I can't figure out why I can't get there now when I always could before.

    My long rambling point is – you're not alone, and I agree 100% with you. Using a toy is just.not.the.same.

  10. I'm with WBW, but figured you would have thought of that already and had a reason why not, like this:

    "I'd like to have just one orgasm using just J before bringing in a vibrator."

    I get that, but surely putting conditions on your orgasm can only make it more difficult (for psychological reasons as well as physical in an 'oh, it only counts if…' kind of way).

    It's like me saying 'I only want to come with penetrative sex' or 'it only counts if I squirt' when that's just not how it works for me.

    I'd add that from my experience, once you have come *once* with him (via *whatever* method), you may get past some 'block' in your own mind, and from then on, it *may* become easier to orgasm using *other* methods because you take the pressure off both of you (and you have a 'go to' option if you want it). It seems to me the more logical route then is to go 'easy, most likely to work' option FIRST, then work up to the harder stuff (see what I did there? *snerk*). And yes, I do know logic isn't the primary thing at work here.

    Also this: http://www.spencersonline.com/product/dj-gh-vibrating-tongue-ring/


  11. @deviantlyromantic: "you're not alone, and I agree 100% with you. Using a toy is just.not.the.same."

    Yay! and, Boo! It's good to hear I'm not the only one, but not happy that you share the same sort of issue. It fucking sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

    There is a sort of feeling of failure, and besides that, it's just damn disappointing–for both partners.

    It sounds like we're on the same mission. I hope you'll keep me updated if you have any breakthroughs… orgasmic or otherwise.

  12. @Ferns: Yeah, I'd like to have just one before bringing on the army of vibrators. I'd just feel better about it.

    You're right about the conditions, but I imagine I have so many psychological blocks, I won't notice a few more.

    And I like hard logic, but I prefer harder logic. :)

    And a vibrating tongue ring? Ah fuck that… if I go that route, I might as well just jam the base of a regular vibrator in his mouth. Come to think of it… I might just do that. He can handle a few chipped teeth, right? ;)

  13. Here's what I did. Do with it what you will:

    I had him watch me. I denied him any contact, all he could do was sit there with his leaking cock and his begging eyes while I went to town. Denying him made it into D/s play as well, which really didn't hurt any.

    Later, I gave him the vibrator. He was still not allowed to touch me, with his hands or mouth. I denied him anything but the privilege to hold my vibe as I had a massive orgasm.

    Gradually I allowed him more access to my cunt. He was allowed to touch my skin as I came, he was allowed to kiss my thighs, and after a good while, when I was sure I was going to come WITH him (and he was properly frustrated and denied the pleasure of my cunt) I let him plant his face between my legs as I came.

    And HOLY mother of fuck, I came. And that's how I trained my body to respond to him the way I want it. All while having ALL sorts of wicked fun making him ache for me.

  14. @Looking for omega: "I trained my body to respond to him the way I want it."

    I've been thinking about this (surprise) and I think you're absolutely right. Both you and Ferns suggested a sort of "training" for me that might help me to push past whatever mental blocks I have and (learn how to) and practice coming to orgasm with him.

    Plus, the suggestion of "having ALL sorts of wicked fun making him ache for me" sounds like a damn good time.

    Thanks for the advice!

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