Another installment in “the orgasm project.”
In comments to a post about sex techniques over on N. Likes’s blog, My Dissolute Life, I briefly lamented my inability to come to orgasm with a partner: “Even with pressure, fingers, face, a man with three hands and never-ending patience, it’s still difficult for me to get off. I’ve only ever come to orgasm with a partner a couple of times in my life.”
In the conversation that followed, I mentioned that I can get off on my own using a vibrator, but unfortunately, I’ve not been able to come to orgasm with my partner of over a year. Part of the problem, I already know, is that I don’t want to use a vibrator when I’m with J. I don’t want a vibrator to get me off, I want J to get me off.
N. Likes responded:
This sort of advice is common, and it’s good advice, but I’m sick of hearing it. I also imagine that I’m a little defensive because I realize my thinking on the matter probably needs a defense.
I responded by asking N. Likes to put himself in my shoes:
N. Likes’ response:
I don’t doubt N. Likes’ sincerity and I appreciate his advice, but I’m not sure I believe he’d be able to simply “smile and enjoy” if he were in my position. It’s easy for someone to saythey’d be happy in my shoes. In reality, I think people (men, particularly) would have a much harder time accepting it.Besides that, imagine yourself in J’s shoes–imagine you were unable to bring your partner to orgasm. You wouldn’t be happy if you couldn’t make your partner come, would you? J isn’t happy about it. Besides the fact that we’re in a relationship where he cares about me and wants to make sure I’m happy, we have a D/s thing going. As a submissive, it has to suck balls to be unsuccessful in making your dominant partner come.
I want this, he wants this, and I’m pretty sure it can happen… it just hasn’t.
And honestly, I am happy with what I have–a sweet, sexy partner who puts my happiness first, satisfying sex/play time, and what appears to be some sort of relationship that’s working out for both of us… but I still want more.
Is my problem manufactured? Maybe. But for now, that doesn’t make it any less of a problem.