Mar 252012
 

Over on Submissive in Seattle, Peroxide (kinda) asked whether a dominant woman would prefer a submissive male that she must “domesticate” or a submissive male that is a “perfectly well behaved, tidy and otherwise mature.”

I tried to respond a couple of times, but something got messed up with my WordPress login info and the interwebs kept eating my responses. *grumble*

The gist of my intended response was this:

  1. First, I think there is huge difference between “domestication” (as civilizing a “wild” man) and “domestication” (teaching or expecting a man to do stereotypically “female” chores and tasks).
  2. Second, the seeming dichotomy between a “wild” man and a “domesticated” one is a logical fallacy of false dilemma. Most men (most people) aren’t “either/or” creatures. They aren’t either “wild” or “domestic,” but somewhere in the middle.
  3. Third, (and Peroxide already knows this) everybody has different preferences.

But besides all that, his post got me thinking: What sort of non-sexual skills and abilities do I look for in a potential partner?

Of course, I’m attracted to intelligence, good looks, creativity, and a good sense of humor, but besides those things, what else do I want?


DESIRED SKILLS & ABILITIES

Automotive Care:

Sure, I can change a flat tire and change the oil in my car, but I don’t want to do that stuff. My ideal man can take care of basic car care, including monthly checks of my oil, tire pressure, and battery. He can change a flat, change the oil, replace wiper blades, and wash, wax, and detail my car. (I once dated a man who couldn’t change his own windshield wiper blades and I found this  entirely unattractive.)

Wiring, Electrical, & Basic Home Improvement:

My ideal partner can install light switches and install the wiring necessary for a ceiling fan or an overhead light fixture. He should be able to lay tile and grout, paint walls, do a little dry wall, and have basic carpentry skills. He should be able to fix leaky faucets, test A/C units, seal windows, replace screens, and know how to use a pressure washer.

Finances, Taxes, and Investments:

I’ve been financially independent for over a decade and I’m very responsible with my money–I have no student loans and I don’t spend frivolously. With that said, I have no idea how to do my own taxes or how to invest. I’ve always farmed that work out to boyfriends, friends, or paid people to do it for me. I have no mind for math and absolutely no interest in figuring it out on my own.

Lawn Care & Gardening:

Like automotive care and home improvement, I can do most of this stuff, but I don’t want to! I don’t want to mow the lawn, weed my garden, plant saplings, trim shrubs, groom palm trees, or mess with my composter.

Basic Facility with Technology & Home Electronics:

I don’t mind taking responsibility for the bulk of desktop and laptop hardware and software computer issues. I’m better with computing technologies than most people I meet. However, my ideal man should have basic computing skills and be able to maintain and protect his own machine.

Additionally, I’d like a man who knows how to hook up the cable wires to the cable box, hook up the television, sound system, and other peripherals to wherever the fuck they’re supposed to go. I’m good with computer hardware and software, but I fucking hate dealing with wires and home electronics installations.

Massage:

I don’t need a trained masseuse, but I’d like someone who enjoys giving massage, specifically, foot massage. My feet always hurt–I have almost no “fat pad” (cushioning) on my heels (blame years of cross-country running, and the years of bartending and waitressing that paid for school). My ideal man needs to love my feet in the form of long and frequent foot massages.

In the next post, I think I’ll cover the sorts of skills and abilities I’m not looking for….

 


If you’re submissive, what skills and abilities are you proud to offer? If you’re dominant, what skills and abilities are you looking for? Let me know via email, Formspring, “ask me,” or in the comments.

  13 Responses to “what I want (skills for my submissive male)”

  1. Does Jay fullfil all of these needs for you?

  2. I find the skills thing odd. I mean, I have read enough of your posts to know that, actually, you don't really give a hoot about any of that stuff. Right? Sure it'd be nice enough, but… meh.

    I have written about this before when submissive men have asked 'how can I make myself more appealing', and women respond with 'learn how to do a bunch of stuff'. I don't get it. To me, if that stuff needs doing, I can pay someone to do it.

    He has a much better chance of improving his chances if he works on being fucking irresistable, being a beautiful piece of sexy man for my pleasure so that I cannot wait to rip his clothes off.

    Is that an actual skill? Um… yeah, I'd call that a skill.

    Ferns

  3. @Ferns:

    "I have read enough of your posts to know that, actually, you don't really give a hoot about any of that stuff. Right?"

    Um, wrong. What I post here is not indicative of the entirety of who I am and what I want. (If I'm not mistaken, you've said something similar on your blog).

    I do care about that stuff. While I haven't posted about how fucking turned on I was after J helped me think through a project I needed help with or how hot our discussion of Aristotle's Poetics got me, I did post about the sex that followed. :)

    "To me, if that stuff needs doing, I can pay someone to do it."

    Sure. I've paid for those sorts of things too, or I've done them myself. However, I'd like a man to do it for me. I find it attractive when a man can take care of me in the form of maintaining my car in the same way I imagine you find it attractive when a man cooks you dinner. I mean, you could pay someone to make you dinner every night, but you enjoy it when a man does it for you, right?

    "He has a much better chance of improving his chances if he works on being fucking irresistable, being a beautiful piece of sexy man for my pleasure so that I cannot wait to rip his clothes off."

    I'm fairly sure we have different ideas of what constitutes "irresistible." I'd prefer my potential partner go spend an hour in the library rather than an hour in the gym. Brilliant conversation gets me as hot and hungry as a set of well-defined biceps. Hot bodies are nice, but if we have nothing to talk about before or after the clothes ripping, then I find my interest wanes pretty quickly.

  4. No. We don't live together. I call it a "driving distance" relationship–we're close enough to get together on most weekends, but not on weeknights.

    Besides that, this is just a wish list. Besides intelligence, and a good sense of humor, I'm pretty flexible.

  5. …. People don't know how to change a tire / use a pressure washer?
    Seriously? It's three (four if you use soap) hoses.

    Also, depending on the car, it's a ton nicer to just bring it to jiffy lube. Dry wall's also a bitch, dust everywhere and getting the texture right is an art form.

  6. "I mean, you could pay someone to make you dinner every night, but you enjoy it when a man does it for you, right?"

    I do, yes. I love all that stuff. My argument isn't that it's not nice. Sure it is.

    But whether I am mad about him or not has *nothing* to do with the set of practical skills that he has in his kit bag. It doesn't at all increase my attraction to him to know that he can cook me dinner or put up a gazebo.

    That's why I don't get the concept of a 'skills list' and the seemingly pretty standard assertion by many dominant women that men who are capable of doing x, y and z are somehow more desirable (as evidenced by them giving this advice to submissive men as a way to be more appealing).

    "Brilliant conversation gets me as hot and hungry as a set of well-defined biceps"

    Right, but this dichotomy makes no sense. It's not an either/or proposition with the smarts/hot body. My point is that IF he's got it all going on, then I'd much rather he work on being a sex object than go and learn how to lay a floating floor.

    "I'm fairly sure we have different ideas of what constitutes "irresistible.""

    Agreed! And I am hijacking your post with a wider comment about 'the skills list', versus your perfectly valid 'what you want in a submissive' list which is, well, what you personally want, and what you should have.

    Ferns

  7. "But whether I am mad about him or not has *nothing* to do with the set of practical skills that he has in his kit bag. It doesn't at all increase my attraction to him to know that he can cook me dinner or put up a gazebo."

    I agree with you. I'm attracted to hots and smarts first. However, my initial post wasn't intended to be about attraction–it was what I want in a sub male. (And if I wasn't attracted to him at first [hots and smarts], I wouldn't bother to find out about all that other [practical] stuff anyway.)

    After the beginning stages of a relationship, I do find those other things increase my attraction to a man. More consequential, though, is the fact that the lack of some of those skills is a total turn-off. Honestly, the guy I dated who couldn't change his own windshield wipers totally cock blocked himself.

    "Right, but this dichotomy makes no sense. It's not an either/or proposition with the smarts/hot body. My point is that IF he's got it all going on, then I'd much rather he work on being a sex object than go and learn how to lay a floating floor."

    I didn't present it as a dichotomy–I don't think it's an either/or situation. J certainly has a bit of both–seeing him shirtless? I want to rip off his pants. Hearing him talk international politics? I want to rip off his pants.

    "I'd much rather he work on being a sex object than go and learn how to lay a floating floor"

    Have you ever watched a beautiful man lay a floating floor… *swoon* :)

  8. Meh. I change my own oil and I've hung my share of dry wall. I've had more issues with the joints than the texture.

  9. I've changed my own oil, once. Never again. (On the 98 4runner I owned, the dump plug went right onto the skid plate. Very messy. It was easier to pay jiffy lube).

    I can not get texture to match, at all. It's gypsy magic to me.

  10. I agree with your post in its entirely. I would also add cooking to the list of skills I require.

  11. Honestly, the guy I dated who couldn't change his own windshield wipers totally cock blocked himself.

    Oooh, that's a good point. In general I find incompetence really unsexy, although it is possible to be adorably terrible at something. Competence, on the other hand, is hot. I really enjoy watching people do things they're good at. It's even nicer if they do things they're good at for me :)

  12. I loved the post. You described exactly what *I* want. Cheers!

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