Email to J.
I had been trying to avoid sending you long post-mortems on our time together because I know I can be overwhelming and I didn’t want to freak you out or make you feel pressured to respond.
Fuck that! I have some stuff I want to say and I’m going to say it (because I want to say it).
So, here goes. In points, of course, because that’s how I roll.
- I could tell you were disappointed that we didn’t do more last night. Earlier in the day, I suggested I had some heavy use and abuse planned for you in the evening. But by the time evening rolled around, I was feeling… I dunno… warmly manipulative(?) rather than full-tilt violent. After dinner, I felt like fooling around and teasing you, and so that’s what I did. You can’t be too disappointed, really–when I was done draining you, you really didn’t have anything more to give. ;)
- I know you wanted to try getting me off, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I’m so pleased with how you handled it–you didn’t complain, didn’t push, and barely mentioned it. I noticed. Thank you. Don’t get me wrong, I will get my orgasm (I demand orgasms! Or at least, I will). But it’s important you know how satisfied I feel right now–satisfied in a way that plain old sex and plain old orgasms can’t provide.
- With that said, I understand you’re into more direction, use, and abuse than I give you sometimes. To varying degrees, and on occasion, I’ve felt guilty about that. But as we spend more time together, it bothers me less and less. (fuck, that sounds awful, doesn’t it?) Sometimes I do want to use you in every way I can think of, to hit you, to physically restrain you and act out all of the beautiful, violent things in my head. But other times I just want to be with you, I want the sweet fucking, I want to remind you that I own your cock, I want to love you and laugh with you, all at the same time. Last night, I wanted the sweetness–that’s what I took and that’s what you gave. Thank you for giving me what I want.
- Lately, when we’ve been together, you’ve been so beautifully attuned to me. You’re reading my mind (I knew it was possible!), picking up on my moods, and responding in kind. I love that and I appreciate it. (You’re good at it!) I guess it’s taken us awhile to figure each other out (to whatever degree we have) because we can’t see each other often, and let’s face it, I’m still figuring out what I want. But I feel like you’re giving me the space to figure things out, and I’m glad. Thank you.
Fuck. I don’t know if any of that makes sense?
Let me put it another way: last night was really good. You were such a good boy (my boy!), and I feel satisfied, happy, and secure. Thank you. :)
You are my boy. You know that, don’t you?
P.S. Don’t forget. You owe me a toothbrush.*
*I didn’t link in the email, obviously (J doesn’t know that I write here).