Mar 222012
 

My response to J’s response to my weekend post-mortem. Wow, this is getting confusing.

Quick recap: J and I spent the weekend together. It was obvious he was disappointed because he didn’t get what he wanted. I sent him this to let him know I was so pleased that he didn’t complain, and to let him know how satisfied I was. He sent this back, and of course, I probably read too much into it. What’s below is my last response to J after thinking about what he wrote, measuring my response, and trying not to show that I  probably over-analyzed it.

J,

Hmmm… while you said “you know all this, but I’m saying it anyway” your note makes me think you’re a teeny bit concerned that I’m going to fall into some sort of more vanilla, less kinky, less dominant(?) thing. If that’s even a nearly-subconscious thought, I want to correct it.

Yes, I enjoyed being lazy and sweet in bed for a little while on Friday. But don’t think I’m easing up on what this is or what we do. It’s not my intent to push you to be, I dunno, more “vanilla” when we spend time together. That’s not what I want. And for fuck’s sake… I fucked you good and left you empty… is that too vanilla for you? ;) It’s just that I’m more comfortable in taking what I want from you and more comfortable being myself.

Like I said before, I’m done playing Domme. When we first got together, I got caught up in the “what should I do next” thinking, not sure of what I “should” be doing, worried that I’d bore you if I didn’t play Domme hard enough or well enough. Getting caught up in that thinking made me feel like a service top… and I didn’t like it. Okay, scratch that. I was a service top and I hated it. In part, I was trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do, and in part, I wanted to be what you wanted and I was afraid I wasn’t. Trying to go full-tilt, stereotypical “dominant” (when I had no fucking idea what that was) was me playing a role for you. That was me being submissive, service topping, doing what I thought you wanted.

I don’t feel that way anymore — I’m not playing a role. I’m taking you up on what you offered — to please me — within reason, to do what I want. If I use the cuffs, it’s because I want to. If we go out, have drinks, and talk, it’s because I want to. If I fuck you or sit on your face, it’s because I want to… not because I feel like it’s the already-determined climax (ha!) to the evening or just because you’re into it.

With that said, there’s no reason to think I’m not going to give you what you want (sometimes). A few weeks ago, you seemed concerned about me asking what you wanted from time to time. I don’t ask because I want you to “take over,” I ask because I want to make sure you’re needs are being met, to make sure you’re emotionally and physically satisfied too. For the most part, I believe you when you say you find fulfillment in making sure I’m satisfied, but on any given night, perhaps you’re eager for a beating or for bondage that I haven’t delivered. If it’s something you want, and I’m into it too, then I’m happy to deliver a beating or arrange that bondage.

If I’m not into it, or just not into giving you what you want, then you won’t get it. I guess it all depends on my mood, and I can’t predict when I’ll feel more sweet and gentle and when I’ll feel more demanding and violent. It’s dependent on what I’m feeling and what I want in any particular moment.

But, by all means, please run hot and stay hot — I like you that way. And you’ll get what you want, eventually.  ;)

~D


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