Mar 082012
 

The other night, I went out to a very nice dinner with a very nice man and I had a fantastic time. The morning after, I tweeted:

key lime martini tweet

key lime martini garnished with lime slice

Yes, dear readers, I ordered a Key Lime Martini1. Of course, I immediately regretted it–it was fucking awful. I told my date I thought it looked like a martini glass full of Superman’s ejaculate–opaque light green, frothy, and possibly, containing some Kryptonite2 derivative that might drain me of my powers and render me weak and useless.

A few hours after I tweeted, “What would possess me to try a Key Lime Martini?” I received this anonymous message via the “ask me” page on the blog:

“From your Tweet, it sounds like you had a very nice dinner/evening out. Here’s a tip….if you really like to impress a man, don’t order a Key Lime Martini. Order a traditional one, be specific and direct about your gin/vodka and vermouth requirements. Knowing what you want and getting it is VERY SEXY and ATTRACTIVE to man. Later you can be flirty with your olives or onions. Save the novelty drinks when you’re out with the girls.”

Since the writer was anonymous, I figure I might as well respond to the message here, right?

Here’s a tip….if you really like to impress a man, don’t order a Key Lime Martini.

I don’t order drinks to impress men. I ordered a Key Lime Martini because I wanted a Key Lime Martini.

Order a traditional one, be specific and direct about your gin/vodka and vermouth requirements.

adult martini costume

But what if I don’t want a traditional martini? Maybe I should just order a traditional martini anyway, just to be sure I impress my date?

Knowing what you want and getting it is VERY SEXY and ATTRACTIVE to man.

I knew what I wanted. I wanted a Key Lime Martini and I got a Key Lime Martini. (And unfortunately, I don’t always know what I want, and I’m not going to pretend.)

Later you can be flirty with your olives or onions.

I don’t flirt with olives or onions, nor do I use olives or onions as props to flirt with men. Sucking on an olive or gently tonguing an onion at the table seems a little classless to me.

Save the novelty drinks when you’re out with the girls.

I don’t go out with “the girls.” Regardless of who I go out with, typically, I drink vodka tonics or whiskey (straight, neat). And I hate to beat the horse corpse, but I ordered a Key Lime Martini because I wanted one.


1 Key Lime Martini Recipe, courtesy of Emeril Lagasse. I’m warning you, don’t try it. It’s fucking awful.
2 I know. I know. Superman is vulnerable to Kryptonite, but that’s why I said “Kryptonite derivative.” Besides, it sounded good at the time.

  7 Responses to “key lime martini”

  1. Having looked at the recipe, I have no desire to try one. I try to avoid things with both "vanilla" and "pineapple juice" since those two things seem obnoxious just to think about being in the same drink.

    Further, it doesn't sound like a "martini" to me. Swirling some slop into a martini glass doesn't make it a martini any more than calling a sheep's tail a leg makes it so.

    On the other hand, I kind of like the idea of Superman drinking his ejaculate (hawt!) and becoming weak from it. One of the major disappointments in my nerd life was the realization that Superman would have to be a virgin, because if he ejaculated, his super-spray would kill his partner. (This was before I discovered orgasm denial, which actually makes me respect Supes a bit more.)

    As a man, let me dispute the idea that telling a bartender how to do his job is sexy. Ditto flirting with random fruits/vegetables rather than the man you are with (I snorted at that one).

    You know what I think is sexy? Mistress Delila orders for me when we go out. (hawt!)

  2. Here's a tip….if you really like to impress a man, don't order a Key Lime Martini. Order a traditional one, be specific and direct about your gin/vodka and vermouth requirements. Knowing what you want and getting it is VERY SEXY and ATTRACTIVE to man. Later you can be flirty with your olives or onions.

    Wow. This is exactly why dominant women bitch about so-called 'submissive' men who are actually dominant bottoms. Apparently your desire to try a key lime martini doesn't matter when you could be ordering the one true drink. I really can't think of an action less dominant than ordering a drink you don't want to impress someone.

  3. "Ditto flirting with random fruits/vegetables rather than the man you are with (I snorted at that one)."

    I can see it now… "hey baby, you are one sweet potato. I really love your eyes…"

    :)

  4. "one true drink…"

    I will continue to seek the one true drink that will make me a Real Domme… I can tell you from experience, that drink is not a key lime martini. :)

  5. Of course not: it's Fireball Whiskey. Whiskey shows that you're tough and strong, like a man, since one must be "like a man" to be Domly! The cinnamon, however, is both spicy and sweet, just like a woman ought to be. Raawr! Order this and all will know that you are a Real Domme!

    And, if you don't like it, then you drink it like you like it, since all Dommes are just for show, anyway. We only do it to impress men.

  6. @WBW Well, I think drinking flavored, blended whiskey is probably not the epitome of manli-maniness in the bar scene. That my friends and I like it so much just says what kind of men we are. Well, I am, anyway. Sah-wish!

  7. @WBW: I was thinking Everclear, because it's pure, like a Twue Domme. However, I like the whole cinnamon idea with the Fireball Whiskey. All I have to figure out is rocks or neat?

    @Swingbot: Nice to see you around these parts…. been reading about you forever… And if ordering what you like makes you Sah-wish, then count me in with the swishing! I'll swish! I wanna swish!

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