The other night, I went out to a very nice dinner with a very nice man and I had a fantastic time. The morning after, I tweeted:
“Lovely date, lovely drinks, lovely dinner, lovely man, and one terrible martini. What would possess me to try a Key Lime Martini?”
Yes, dear readers, I ordered a Key Lime Martini1. Of course, I immediately regretted it–it was fucking awful. I told my date I thought it looked like a martini glass full of Superman’s ejaculate–opaque light green, frothy, and possibly, containing some Kryptonite2 derivative that might drain me of my powers and render me weak and useless.
A few hours after I tweeted, “What would possess me to try a Key Lime Martini?” I received this anonymous message via the “ask me” page on the blog:
From your Tweet, it sounds like you had a very nice dinner/evening out. Here’s a tip….if you really like to impress a man, don’t order a Key Lime Martini. Order a traditional one, be specific and direct about your gin/vodka and vermouth requirements. Knowing what you want and getting it is VERY SEXY and ATTRACTIVE to man. Later you can be flirty with your olives or onions. Save the novelty drinks when you’re out with the girls.
Since the writer was anonymous, I figure I might as well respond to the message here, right?
“Here’s a tip….if you really like to impress a man, don’t order a Key Lime Martini.”
I don’t order my drinks to impress men. I ordered a Key Lime Martini because I wanted a Key Lime Martini.
“Order a traditional one, be specific and direct about your gin/vodka and vermouth requirements.”
But what if I don’t want a traditional martini? Maybe I should just order a traditional martini anyway, just to be sure I impress my date?
“Knowing what you want and getting it is VERY SEXY and ATTRACTIVE to man.”
I knew what I wanted. I wanted a Key Lime Martini and I got a Key Lime Martini. (And unfortunately, I don’t always know what I want, and I’m not going to pretend.)
“Later you can be flirty with your olives or onions.”
I don’t flirt with olives or onions, nor do I use olives or onions as props to flirt with men. Sucking on an olive or gently tonguing an onion at the table seems a little classless to me.
“Save the novelty drinks when you’re out with the girls.”
I don’t go out with “the girls.” Regardless of who I go out with, typically, I drink vodka tonics or whiskey (straight, neat). And I hate to beat the horse corpse, but I ordered a Key Lime Martini because I wanted one.
1 Key Lime Martini Recipe, courtesy of Emeril Lagasse. I’m warning you, don’t try it. It’s fucking awful.
2 I know. I know. Superman is vulnerable to Kryptonite, but that’s why I said “Kryptonite derivative.” Besides, it sounded good at the time.