Quick recap: A couple of months ago, I finally told J (my current sex partner or whatever the fuck he is) that I faked orgasms with him… I lied about every single one. I’ve never had an orgasm with him, but I really really want to… and so, here’s another installment in what I’m calling “the orgasm project.”
I’ve never masturbated to orgasm in front of a partner.
My masturbation isn’t pretty. It’s not attractive, definitely not sexy, and I doubt it’s even interesting to watch. Ok, maybe watching me masturbate to orgasm would be interesting in the same way that watching a maladroit monkey use rudimentary tools to crack open a coconut would be interesting.
Interesting, maybe, but definitely not sexy.
I don’t engage in any of the sexy self-foreplay that I’ve read about others doing. I don’t take long, luxurious bubble baths first. I don’t light candles, don’t play soft music, and I don’t wear pretty lingerie. I rarely even fantasize. When I masturbate, I go to my bedroom, throw a towel down on the bed, pull up my skirt, kick off my panties, and I get it done.
Nothing about it is sexy. I don’t purse my lips gently nor do I make anything that might be considered “bedroom eyes.” I imagine the face I make when I’m really masturbating looks like the face I make when I’m trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube or the face I make when I’m straining to unscrew a stuck jar lid.
I don’t make soft, sexy moaning sounds. The sounds I make are more like snarls and grunted expletives.
I don’t breathe heavy… I pant. I don’t blush or “glow.” My face turns bright red and I sweat… a lot.
When orgasm is imminent, I’m fairly sure there’s an equal and inverse relationship between the time/distance to orgasm and my degree of sexiness–as I approach orgasm, I become less and less sexy.
The graph below illustrates this relationship. As you can see, the closer I get to orgasm, the more I look like a fapping monkey.
Sure. I’ve touched myself in front of partners before, but it’s always been for show, for teasing, for the sole purpose of looking sexy. I can do sexy… with gentle touches, soft strokes, purposefully pursed lips, and well-articulated, delicate moans of faux-pleasure. But it’s all an act–I don’t touch myself thinking I could actually get off. When I’m with a partner, I touch myself to look sexy, to be sexy… not to feel good. (Although, feeling sexy does make feel good, just not in the OMG-I’m-going-to-come kind of way.)
I know the sexy touching won’t do it for me. It’s even rare that I can get myself off with just my hand. I’ve only been able to do that three or four times (ever). Generally, I need a vibrator–either the kind that goes inside and also stimulates my clit (like a rabbit) or a dildo and heavy-duty vibrator (like a jackhammer). Also, I typically need to set the vibrator on “stun” to get me where I need to go.
So, that’s the unsexy truth of the matter. I don’t want to masturbate in front of anyone because it’s fucking ugly.
Besides that, I don’t want to masturbate when I’m with someone because I don’t want to get myself off… I want my partner to get me off. I don’t want to use a vibrator… I want to use my partner.
I want, I want, I want.
I want, but it appears that I can’t have what I want…
(to be continued, of course… as part of “the orgasm project,” a.k.a. “I’m want to come, dammit!”)