Quick recap: A couple of months ago, I finally told J (my current sex partner or whatever the fuck he is) that I faked orgasms with him… I lied about every single one. I’ve never had an orgasm with him, but I really really want to… and so, here’s another installment in what I’m calling “the orgasm project.”
I’ve never masturbated to orgasm in front of a partner.
My masturbation isn’t pretty. It’s not attractive, definitely not sexy, and I doubt it’s even interesting to watch. Ok, maybe watching me masturbate to orgasm would be interesting in the same way that watching an maladroit monkey use rudimentary tools to crack open a coconut would be interesting.
Interesting, maybe, but definitely not sexy.
I don’t engage in any of the sexy self-foreplay that I’ve read about others doing. I don’t take long, luxurious bubble baths first. I don’t light candles, don’t play soft music, and I don’t wear pretty lingerie. I rarely even fantasize. When I masturbate, I go to my bedroom, throw a towel down on the bed, pull up my skirt, kick off my panties, and I get it done.
Nothing about it is sexy. I don’t purse my lips gently nor do I make anything that might be considered “bedroom eyes.” I imagine the face I make when I’m really masturbating looks like the face I make when I’m trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube or the face I make when I’m straining to unscrew a stuck jar lid.
I don’t make soft, sexy moaning sounds. The sounds I make are more like snarls and grunted expletives.
I don’t breathe heavy… I pant. I don’t blush or “glow.” My face turns bright red and I sweat… a lot.
When orgasm is imminent, I’m fairly sure there’s an equal and inverse relationship between the time/distance to orgasm and my degree of sexiness–as I approach orgasm, I become less and less sexy.
The graph below illustrates this relationship. As you can see, the closer I get to orgasm, the more I look like a fapping monkey.
Sure. I’ve touched myself in front of partners before, but it’s always been for show, for teasing, for the sole purpose of looking sexy. I can do sexy… with gentle touches, soft strokes, purposefully pursed lips, and well-articulated, delicate moans of faux-pleasure. But it’s all an act–I don’t touch myself thinking I could actually get off. When I’m with a partner, I touch myself to look sexy, to be sexy… not to feel good. (Although, feeling sexy does make feel good, just not in the OMG-I’m-going-to-come kind of way.)
I know the sexy touching won’t do it for me. It’s even rare that I can get myself off with just my hand. I’ve only been able to do that three or four times (ever). Generally, I need a vibrator–either the kind that goes inside and also stimulates my clit (like a rabbit) or a dildo and heavy-duty vibrator (like a jackhammer). Also, I typically need to set the vibrator on “stun” to get me where I need to go.
So, that’s the unsexy truth of the matter. I don’t want to masturbate in front of anyone because it’s fucking ugly.
Besides that, I don’t want to masturbate when I’m with someone because I don’t want to get myself off… I want my partner to get me off. I don’t want to use a vibrator… I want to use my partner.
I want, I want, I want.
I want, but it appears that I can’t have what I want…
(to be continued, of course… as part of “the orgasm project,” a.k.a. “I’m want to come, dammit!”)