In the earlier stages of our relationship, J often made suggestions about activities and techniques. That’s to be expected, as J is experienced and I am not. He knows a lot more than I do, and most of the time, I’m comfortable learning from him. His suggestions only started to bother me when it felt like he was pushing more than he was suggesting.
We talked about it, and while he said he didn’t intend to be pushy, that’s how it felt. He respected my feelings and he’s made good on his promise not to push me anymore (or at least, he’s been careful not to give the appearance that he’s pushing). Besides that, as I gain more experience and confidence, he has fewer opportunities to make suggestions anyway.
Since he’s making fewer suggestions, sometimes I want to know what he’s thinking about–I want to know what he wants. I enjoy the feeling of knowing what he wants and I love having the power to give it to him (or not). But recently, J revealed it bothers him, as it’s a confusing question in the context of our D/s dynamic. Why would I ask him what he wants when I’m supposed to be running the show? Why would I want to know if our playtime is supposed to be about what I want?
There are a couple of reasons why I might ask J what he wants.
- First, sometimes I ask J what he wants because at that particular moment, I have no preference as to what sort of activity we do next. We have a slowly growing repertoire of things we do during play/sex time, things we’ve tried and liked and things we’re comfortable doing. On a given night, if we’ve already done whatever it was I was hot to do, I don’t really care what we do next.
- Second, sometimes I’ll ask him what he wants because he’s been particularly good, sweet, and pliant and I want to reward him. For example, we spent last weekend together, and he was such a good boy on Friday night. We tried some new things I was eager to try, none of which were incredibly heavy or exciting, but they were on my “to try” list. I’ve been practicing some of my finer rope skills, and so I wanted to try binding his cock. He was very patient, and more important than that, he picked up on my attitude and mirrored it in a such a way that I felt comfortable and secure. He laughed with me when I made mistakes, started talking to myself, or made jokes about my incredibly slow progress. He also seemed excited about my wanting to try urethral figging, even though he really doesn’t like urethral play. Although not everything worked the way I wanted (stupid defective ginger), I thoroughly enjoyed myself and went to sleep feeling satisfied, confident, and downright Domme-y. Because he had been so lovely on Friday, on Saturday, I wanted to reward him by doing something he wanted to do.
- Third, and most importantly, sometimes I ask him what he wants because I want to make sure his needs are being met–I want to be sure he’s emotionally and sexually satisfied too. I believe him when he says that he finds general fulfillment in making sure I’m fulfilled, but on a given night, perhaps he’s eager for a beating or for bondage that I haven’t delivered. If it’s something he wants, and I’m eager to do it too, then I’m happy to deliver that beating or arrange that bondage.
- Last, but nearly opposite to the reasons above, sometimes I ask what he wants simply because I want to deny him [evil grin]. On a particular evening, I might feel as if he’s had too much of what he wants, or perhaps I might be feeling particularly contrary. For example, if he admits he’s dying for me to abuse his cock, I’ll absolutely ignore it for the rest of the evening… just for fun. Knowing what he wants and having the power to deny him gets me hot. Besides that, sometimes I’m not feeling particularly dominant and the ability to deny him in a particular moment helps me to reestablish a more dominant headspace.
On any given night, any or all of those reasons might motivate me to ask. My suspicion is that J is afraid I’m enabling him to top from the bottom, which is something I’ve been concerned about in the past. Perhaps J’s still feeling that concern, but it’s rare for me to feel that way anymore. These days, I’m a lot more comfortable being dominant the way I want to be dominant, in the way that seems to be working for us. I’m not as worried as I used to be about embodying a prescribed role, behaving according to a theoretical dynamic, or following some set of rules for a D/s relationship.
J is going to have to understand that sometimes I ask him what he wants because that’s what I want–to give him what he wants. And sometimes, I want to know just because I’m being mean. :)