Feb 042012

The Brazilian was about as much fun as having all of my pubic hair ripped out. Oh wait, that’s what happened. I had all of my pubic hair ripped out.

The name of the place had about as much class and discretion as “Bush Whackers,” but I didn’t anticipate how embarrassed I’d feel walking in. There was a little cafe next door, and I imagine the cute college boys sitting outside sipping their espressos were silently wondering how hairy I was.

I was nervous, but the technician (the waxer? the bush whacker?) was very nice and explained the procedure to me first. While I was pretty sure I knew what would happen–she’d apply hot wax to my pink parts and rip all of my hair out–it made me feel better to hear her explain it anyway.

In the unreasonably tiny room, I got nekkid from the waist down and was told to lie on the table and position my legs “frogger style.” This made me think of “Frogger,” the old-school video game, and that got the midi tune melody stuck in my head. Every time she ripped off a strip, I swear I could hear the “got run over by a van” cadence.

If that wasn’t bad enough, right before she ripped off the wax, she yelled “PULL!” I half expected to see a clay pigeon fly through the air, and of course, that made me think of “Duck Hunt.”

I guess the happy place I went to in my head was video games–but the sorts of video games where animals get run over by trucks and shot with hunting rifles. Maybe it wasn’t such a happy place?

When she was done, I relaxed my legs and finally exhaled. But unfortunately, it wasn’t over. She told me to pull my knees to my chest and hold them there.

“Wait, what? Why do I have to hold my knees to my chest?”

“Oh honey, we didn’t go through all of that just to leave a little bit of hair in the back.”

“In the back? Wait…. the back of what?!?”

Before I had a chance to mentally process what was happening, I had already pulled my knees to my chest and she was applying hot wax to the perimeter of my asshole. She yelled “pull!” ripped the strip off, and it was finally over. Yes, dearest readers, my asshole has been waxed.

All in all, it wasn’t that bad. I’m pretty good at taking pain (although I do not enjoy it) and it was way less painful than when I’ve waxed my bikini line myself.

I do want to respond to a couple of comments left on the last post, and I might as well do it here…

Anonymous: “You forgot to mention the motivation that it turns you on–you, not the purveyors of unrealistic standards…”

Umm, no. I didn’t forget to mention anything. It doesn’t turn me on. I am not turned on by the idea of it and I am not turned on by the results. There is nothing about this that turns me on. However, as I tried to indicate in my initial post, in the past couple of years, I’ve been somewhat uncomfortable receiving oral sex, and I had hoped this would make me more comfortable. I don’t think it will.

Anonymous 2: “…the end result is just wonderful.”

Wonderful for who? I think J prefers the hairless look (and feel?) but he’s said he doesn’t really care and would rather me avoid the discomfort. And if this is the end result, it isn’t wonderful, it’s just hairless. For the record, I typically shave almost everything, and I keep what isn’t shaved trimmed very short. If the end result you speak of is more enjoyment of oral sex, I don’t see how this will be any different. I hope it is, but I doubt it.

So, that’s it. I’m hopeful, doubtful, hairless, and only slightly less annoyed than this…

hairless, angry kitty

  9 Responses to “post-Brazilian”

  1. Hairless angry kitty looks like an alien! I've thought about waxing, but the whole idea of a stranger dealing with me like that just makes me think Nooooooooo!

    I just want to point out that it's okay to Just Not Like having someone go down on you, and absolutely okay to not do something sexual that you Just Don't Like.

    You know, I've been giving some more thought to the whole Squeegee Man comment. I feel kinda bad about it, because I didn't realize that the story you were serializing wasn't a story about a breakup. I try not to say things about other people's partners that are going to make their relationship more difficult.

    That said, now that I already said it *facepalm* I've been giving some thought to how squeegee men became history.

    Squeegee men in New York City targeted people trapped in their cars in rush hour traffic jams. They used to be endemic — it was difficult not to encounter one. If you didn't pay, or you honked your horn, it wasn't an uncommon thing to get a bucket of slop dumped on your car, or a frightening encounter with someone banging on the outside of your car.

    Now? You cannot find a squeegee man in New York City.

    What happened? Well, zero tolerance enforcement happened. It's illegal to sell things at stoplights anyway, and squeegee men just started getting arrested.

    Now, you might have some handcuffs lying around, but with these submissive types, locking them up might just encourage them. But I do think a zero-tolerance strategy when it comes to pressuring you to do anything at all is something you're well within your rights to do and might actually work.

    I have a "no exchange" policy with my submissive. She can't "earn" anything. I think quid-pro-quo arrangements in D/s relationships are more trouble than they're worth. Her submission feels much more genuine to me when she offers it without thinking about what she'll get for it. Ultimately, she has to decide to submit or not submit — it shouldn't be about sexual bean-counting.

  2. "Pull!" Really? Is it that you are supposed to be really tense when they pull? I assume that is the point of doing that.

  3. Yowch! I hope this turns out well, I have a penchant for tangled gardens, but it is more important to me that my partner feels sexy. I feel like that is the case for most rational guys.

    At least if you don't like it this way, it will grow back eventually.

  4. @Lily: Your previous comment about the squeegee men was perfect, as was this one. :) My partner doesn't read the blog (doesn't know it exists), so he can't be offended by it. And honestly, you're right. That metaphor allowed me to think about the situation in a whole new way.

    It was helpful because I'm still figuring this thing out–what role I want to play in the relationship, what I want to get out of it, etc., as I'm sure my partner is figuring out the same things. My policy hasn't yet been 0%, but it's something I'm getting more and more comfortable with. I've recently realized that he isn't going to be able to do any better than me (I'm a catch, I swear!) and that if he isn't willing or able to submit the way I want, we can part ways.

    So, what I mean is no *facepalm* please. :) You're comments are insightful, helpful, and appreciated.

    Down with squeegee people. :)

  5. @WBW: I think "pull" was actually her psyching herself up to pull the strips off. At least, that's what it seemed like. It was weird.

    @Peroxide: "Tangled gardens" <–I like that! It sounds way better than "hairy mess." :)

  6. I so enjoyed your post. I have thought about it, but… well, that's as far as it has gone. I can't even wax my legs without having a fit. And then, let someone else do it… no way baby! This chick sure ain't nuts!!!! A little odd and sadistic maybe, but nuts… never!

    So, when do you have to go back and have it done again? ;)

  7. @TerryAnne: Thank you! I shouldn't be the only one to laugh at my misfortune (idiocy?). When am I having it done again? I don't know… if, or when. I think it depends on the ingrown hair issue and how long it lasts. I might… who knows… unlike lightning, stupidity often strikes twice. :)

  8. This was hilarious. Maybe not so much for you… but for me, reading it. I've never had a Brazilian, but I've wanted to, just never got around to it… maybe it's the stories! :(

  9. @TheSinDoll: Thank you. :) My internal dialogue was kinda hilarious… if nothing else, it keeps me entertained.

    And the waxing wasn't that bad. The anticipation was far worse than the main event.

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