Feb 112012

I started drafting this email to J on September 27th, 2011, at 1:16 pm.

I keep reading this over and over and over again, each time thinking it won’t make my heart hurt as much as it did the last time: “A Unified Theory of Orgasm.” It makes me cry. It hurts to feel this and it’s compounded by the fact that I made you a promise and I broke it.

I lied. I fucked up.

I’m sorry.

That was four months ago. I never finished the note and I never sent it.

I’ve lied to J–over and over and over again–about having orgasms during oral sex. I haven’t ever had an orgasm from oral sex–not with my previous partners and not with J. Not once. I lied every single time.

This is kind of a big deal for me. It’s big to me because honesty is important and I HATE that I lied. It’s big because I’m embarrassed that I lied and I’m ashamed of the reasons why I lied. It’s big because after we get past my confession and whatever conversation follows, I want us to figure out how to get me to orgasm that way. I want to be honest, I want oral service, and I want to want service all the time. I want to orgasm. I want to have an orgasm on his face, I want to come in his mouth, I want to come so fucking hard that it makes his brain vibrate. I want that. I want to demand it of him and I want him to have it.

To get to that point, I’m going to have to tell the truth. I’m going to have to tell him that I’ve lied, and probably tell him a whole bunch of other stuff that I feel uncomfortable talking about, but deep down, I really do want to talk about. It’s big deal because I want to talk to J about this.

I don’t know whether or not this will be a big deal to J. I know it was important enough to him that he asked me to promise I wouldn’t lie about it. But I did. I broke my promise. I don’t know whether he’ll be angry or upset with me or whether he’ll blow it off. I don’t know whether he’ll understand that this is a big deal to me–the lying and the truth.

I’m going to find out if it’s a big deal to J very, very soon.

I’m going to tell him tonight.

  4 Responses to “I lied”

  1. When I was 17, and still a virgin (but with the sexual experience of that age), for the first time ever, a boyfriend asked me if I had ever come with him. "No", I said. I had never faked it, but I had also never explicitly told the truth either. His response was guilt and an incredible desire to give me that. He was the first boy who ever made me come in his mouth, and believe me, he worked for it because *I* had to overcome the feeling that he had to work *too hard*, that it took too long, that it was all unfair etc. It was not easy stuff, but it was a pivotal lesson in that I had to give myself permission to make it all about *me*.

    That's a tough headspace to get to, I think, because you get to the 'oh, he's trying so hard, I'm not sure how to guide him, it's just not going to happen' thing and you just want it to fucking end now. Now I am okay to say 'stop now' and he can deal with his own disappointment: for fuck's sake, grow up!

    For the record, I don't come from penetrative sex. I have absolutely no issue with that, and PIV sex is a pretty low priority for me because of it. I imagine if oral didn't do it for me, I would have no problem with that either and it would be the low priority. I'm open to PIV sex working for me one day, but I'd be scathingly harsh on any man who somehow made me feel like I 'should'.

    In short, your previous posts have shown that you have no problem coming, either by yourself or with him, so putting this pressure on yourself to the point where you lie to your partner about it comes from *you*. Frankly if my boy insisted on oral when I told him how I felt about it, I'd let him do it until I got really bored and then go 'See, I told you!' because I am a bitch like that. Fuck him (figuratively, for being arrogant, and literally because you like it).

    I really hope the truth-telling went okay. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing because more faking it will just make you feel worse and worse.

    Good luck with it.


  2. I'm so glad you're going to do this, because YOU are the person who stands to gain from being honest here. Hopefully he understands the circumstances *fingers crossed*.


  3. Clarisse's post is really wonderful. Have you considered sending that to J? I suspect a lot of men think that performance pressure doesn't happen to women — but most of us do feel some pressure to perform for our partners, including pressure to perform pleasure that isn't actually there.

  4. Thanks ladies… I finally did it, and it went better than expected. :)

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