I started drafting this email to J on September 27th, 2011, at 1:16 pm.
I keep reading this over and over and over again, each time thinking it won’t make my heart hurt as much as it did the last time: “A Unified Theory of Orgasm.” It makes me cry. It hurts to feel this and it’s compounded by the fact that I made you a promise and I broke it.
I lied. I fucked up.
That was four months ago. I never finished the note and I never sent it.
I’ve lied to J–over and over and over again–about having orgasms during oral sex. I haven’t ever had an orgasm from oral sex–not with my previous partners and not with J. Not once. I lied every single time.
This is kind of a big deal for me. It’s big to me because honesty is important and I HATE that I lied. It’s big because I’m embarrassed that I lied and I’m ashamed of the reasons why I lied. It’s big because after we get past my confession and whatever conversation follows, I want us to figure out how to get me to orgasm that way. I want to be honest, I want oral service, and I want to want service all the time. I want to orgasm. I want to have an orgasm on his face, I want to come in his mouth, I want to come so fucking hard that it makes his brain vibrate. I want that. I want to demand it of him and I want him to have it.
To get to that point, I’m going to have to tell the truth. I’m going to have to tell him that I’ve lied, and probably tell him a whole bunch of other stuff that I feel uncomfortable talking about, but deep down, I really do want to talk about. It’s big deal because I want to talk to J about this.
I don’t know whether or not this will be a big deal to J. I know it was important enough to him that he asked me to promise I wouldn’t lie about it. But I did. I broke my promise. I don’t know whether he’ll be angry or upset with me or whether he’ll blow it off. I don’t know whether he’ll understand that this is a big deal to me–the lying and the truth.
I’m going to find out if it’s a big deal to J very, very soon.
I’m going to tell him tonight.