Feb 062012

Now that I’ve had my Brazilian and my pussy is completely hair free… I was wondering, what else can I do to “look better” down there? For your information, amusement, and absolute horror, a collection of some of the dumbest “beauty” products that you can apply and adhere to your most personal places…

Genital Cosmetic Colorant: It’s better known as labia dye. If you’re feeling as if your labia is a little dark, or a little colorless, add some skin dye. It comes in four colors: Marilyn, Ginger, Bettie, and Audry. I have no idea what those colors look like, but who wouldn’t want to have labia the same color as Marilyn’s?

Henna Areola Dye: Apparently, this henna nipple dye is for those who want their nipples a little darker… and bonus, it doesn’t rub off! The product comes in Cocoa, Raisin Glaze, Melon, Black Licorice, Pomegranate, and Sunset.

Benefit Benetint (For Nipples?): For those who want their nipples a little brighter, more pink, and more youthful. Benefit spokesperson Alison Haljun says “even if you don’t show [your nipples] off you know they’re rosier and more perky.” Really? Tinting my nipples will make them more perky? I didn’t even realize my nipples were sluggish.

Vajazzle: So you’ve removed all of your pubic hair, and you realize that your vagina still isn’t exciting enough. What to do? Add sparkles! Who doesn’t want a sparkly vagina and underpants full of adhesive and cut glass rhinestones?

Luxury Animal Fur & Feather Merkins: The vajazzle isn’t enough for you? So what do you do after your Brazilian wax when you’re feeling naked, exposed, and genital crystals aren’t enough? Well, since you’ve ripped out all of your human hair, why not have some animal fur or animal feathers glued to your exposed pink parts?

Anal Bleaching: Just what it says. Do you think that you’re balloon knot is a little too dark? Well then, bleach your asshole, silly!

Pubic Hair Dye: Comes in auburn, black, blonde, brown, hot pink, aqua blue, lilac, ruby red, and green. Apparently, this company also sells “stencils” and cream hair remover, so you can shape your neon blue bush into the shape of a heart, peace sign, lips, dollar sign, and what appears to be a dog bone(?). What girl/guy doesn’t want to go down on her/his partner and find an electric blue dollar sign down there?

Um, on second thought… no thanks. :)

  7 Responses to “dumb beauty products”

  1. The bleach your rear exit thing is hilarious. Hope it burns, hope it burns real bad. If you are stuck so deep in your body cult, that you actually get bleached, you should suffer for it.

    Very entertaining post, thank you.

  2. @Odin: "In deep"? No silly, it just goes on the outside. :) I'm relatively stuck in a body cult, but not so much that I'll bleach my ass. Not yet, at least. God I hope I never consider bleaching my ass…

  3. I'd add to the ridiculous products all the ones that ensure that your pussy doesn't smell or taste like pussy because… ewwwww… gross!!

    *such an enormously big eyeroll that I give myself a migraine*


  4. Hahaha. Saw this a few months ago on one of the malls here in Manila!

    Next to bikini line whitening, the company who developed this deeply cares on keeping our nipples whiter and healthier. I mean, SERIOUSLY?

    • @Agatha: Bikini line whitening? Now that’s one I hadn’t heard of! As for our nipples, now I’m not sure whether mine are supposed to be darker, lighter, rosier, or whiter! Oh well, perhaps my nipple color will be trendy again next season! :)

  5. LMAOOL! Oh D you’re so funny, as for the anal bleaching, I’m told I have such a pretty little asshole, I’ll never bleach it! Thanks for the giggles!

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