Feb 032012
 

I hate myself. I really do. Not for my body (at least, not at the moment), but for my fucked up head.

Yes. I buy into beauty culture, albeit in an educated, self-critical (self-loathing?), and sadly-ir/rational-about-self-worth sort of way. So what? Judge me… go ahead. It’s nothing I haven’t already done. (And for the record, I’ve done it with more feminist theory and cultural criticism under my belt [ha!] than most people are even aware of.)

Later today, I have an appointment for my first-ever Brazilian wax. They’re taking it all off… everything… and now that I’ve made the appointment, I’m fucking scared.

Mind you, I’m going in with the full realization that the want for pre-pubescent looking pussy is fucking sick in the head. I’m going in with the understanding that my doing this is caving to some unreal commercial beauty “standard” that doesn’t exist in real life (or at least, not in unaltered, unshaven, unphotoshopped life).

I’m also going in with some understanding of the pain. I use wax and/or an epilator on my legs, underarms, and bikini area. The epilator is a small machine, about the size of an electric razor, that instead of shaving off the hairs, rips them out one-by-one (quickly) with a set of twenty rotating tweezer-type things. I’m okay with that sort of pain… I’m okay with pain I anticipate and pain I cause.

But this is different.

While I’m somewhat concerned about the pain, I’m sure I can deal with it. The pain of ripping hairs out by the roots isn’t my main concern.

I’m more concerned about is the size and quality(?) of my vulva and outer labia. From self-waxing and self-epilation (is that a word?) I know that loose skin isn’t ideal. If the skin isn’t pulled tight enough, the outer layer of epidermis can just peel right off, leaving a stinging, bloody mess. I am not pre-pubescent and my vulva is… it’s normal, I guess. There’s fat there, and skin, and it isn’t “neat.”

Fuck fuck fuck.

Why am I doing this?

Oh yes… I’m doing this to adhere to unnatural standards of beauty, particularly standards that effect parts of me that 99.9999% of the people I come into contact with will never see. I’m doing this because pornography has taught me (incorrectly) that women should be hairless and “clean.” I’m doing this because I’m ashamed of the appearance of my genitals, because I’m unhappy with what I look like and feel like naturally, and because my shame and unhappiness has (to some extent) kept me from enjoying oral sex.

Great. I’ll just keep reminding myself that not only is this stupid, but it’s fucking dumb too (fucking dumb is different than stupid, for the record). I should know better than this. I do know better than this…

I’m doing it anyway.

  11 Responses to “Brazilian”

  1. Don't beat yourself up. You forgot to mention the motivation that it turns you on–you, not the purveyors of unrealistic standards. The same way you have preferences for guys with a particular build or hair color (or for one over another type of food), your desire to go hairless is just another desire or whim. Not wrong, just different. Good luck.

  2. its not so bad, and better after the first time, and the end result is just wonderful

  3. Take it out on J… you'll feel much better after! :) Seriously, none of us are immune. We just are less open and honest about it!

  4. Funny timing. I talked to my husband about shaving myself "down there" for our 10th anniversary. I've never done it (never wanted to, and still don't, but thought it might make a nice 10th anniversary gift) and, really early on, had said I would if he would, and the dastard went ahead and did it, and has done it several times since! >:-( No way am I having a Brazilian wax, though, for same concern about leaving a stinging, bloody mess, plus I tend to get plenty of ingrown hairs after waxing an area for the first time. No thanks.

  5. @lthrpup @ Anon: I responded in the next post (lthrpup, I didn't name you–let me know if you want me to)

    @DC: Thanks for the advice, I may do that. :)

    @WBW: There was no bloody mess, thank goodness. I've always had more irritation and ingrown hairs with shaving, actually. But, it might be a nice gift! Your hubs does get waxes? I think that'd be way more traumatic for a male (because of the loose skin on the testicles… if he had the whole thing done).

    At the waxing place, for men, getting it all ripped off was called "Back, Sac, and Crack." Classy, huh? ;)

  6. It must be the pending arrival of St. Valentines Day or some other unnatural phenomenom that has caused all this self loathing and shame about body image to become such a prolific blog topic.

    I come from a large well blended family plus having procreated several times and passed that gene along to my offspring. Because of those facts I have seen many pre-pubescent girl unclothed. I have never had the thought, urge or inkling of anything sexual or perverse. Just has not happened. Aside from a fetish for 40 Y/O women in school girl uniforms prostrated over my knee I have no interest in seeing hairless underaged girls or their genitals.

    So now that thats out of the way.

    Back to the matter at hand, wanting that clean shaven smooth hairless look has nothing to do with the aforementioned prepubescent girls. Nor is wanting that hairless love muffin look "fucking sick in the head", unless your goal is to attract pedeophiles where ever you intend to flash your now deforrested mound.

    I LOVE WOMEN! All women, each and everyone of you and all for different reasons. Mainly because your all different. As I said recently on another blog" you are exquisite creatures, like chinese puzzles with the right combination of observation, conversation and patience your unique secrets can be reveled" I digress.

    To the point I love to eat pussy, from my first attempt 35 years ago in the rear of a 67 Impala, hairy sweaty and clumsy to the present. I have enjoyed every lick suck and nibble. I have been pulled in by the hair pushed away by the forehead. I have lied and eaten pussy after I tied women up. I have shaved them been squirted on rubbed my nose in pussy breathing in the scent while tonguing your ass. Made women beg screaming outloud "eat my cunt PLEASE!!! ". I have pulled wonderful freshly fucked pussy off my cock and planted it on my face while my last spurts land on my chest. PUT SIMPLY … I LOVE PUSSY!!

    Your Pussy is Beautiful!! Shaved, trimmed, or as thick as Sherwood Forest. It is something to be proud of, exhalted, reveled in. It is where life enters this world, where millions of people join in loving bliss on a daily basis. Magical.

    Maybe I'm simply obsessed or slightly mad or maybe just maybe I'm not alone in my thoughts.
    Without ever seeing your freshly denuded pussy I can say without hesitation or doubt that it is beautiful… mostly because it is attached to you and not something seperate or foreign the whole package… woman.

    Cruel

  7. @Cruel:

    "It must be the pending arrival of St. Valentines Day or some other unnatural phenomenom that has caused all this self loathing and shame about body image to become such a prolific blog topic."

    Lots bloggers and writers talk about body image issues (year round). It's not an uncommon topic.

    "I have seen many pre-pubescent girl unclothed. I have never had the thought, urge or inkling of anything sexual or perverse."

    I never suggested that people who want a bikini wax or those who prefer women who've had a bikini wax are perverted or pedophiles.

    "'fucking sick in the head', unless your goal is to attract pedeophiles where ever you intend to flash your now deforrested mound."

    Really? Fucking really? Did I suggest or imply this was my goal? Just to be clear, that wasn’t and isn't my goal.

    But, yes, I think it’s fucking sick in the head, sick in my head—thinking I’ll feel better about myself and/or enjoy sex more because I’ve had a bikini wax? That’s fucking sick in the head. I have some body image issues, and for the most part, whatever notions, beliefs, and feelings I have about parts of my body around which I have issues are pretty disordered thoughts. Particularly when you think about what I’ve studied and what I know about the ubiquity of unnatural images of “perfect” women, it is sick in the head. As I said before, I should know better.

    I’m not saying anyone else is sick in the head… I’m saying I am (a little).

    " you are exquisite creatures, like chinese puzzles with the right combination of observation, conversation and patience your unique secrets can be reveled"

    I call bullshit. I’m not exquisite, nor am I a thing to which any “right” combination of observation, conversation, and/or patience can be applied to reveal my “unique secrets.” Besides that, what unique secrets? I’m a person, like everyone else. I don’t have unique secrets, I’m not magical, and neither is my pussy.

    I appreciate your response and I'm really glad that you love pussy. However, your comments can't undo the lifetime of bad programming that shitty media, Photoshop, and the pervasiveness of plastic surgery have caused. Your love of pussy, can’t make me love my own. (apparently, nor can my education or rational understanding… but that was sort of the point of the post…)

  8. @D disregard the preamble if it pleases you. It just seems lately I have seen more women expressing this very subject. In a fashion of sorts it bothers me that all.

    " Mind you, I'm going in with the full realization that the want for pre-pubescent looking pussy is fucking sick in the head."

    My whole point is … That while you did make the above statement I really doubt that you really exposed yourself to the pain just for that pre-pubescent looking pussy and to gather pedophiles.
    When I see a beautiful hairless pussy My thoughts don't go to the pre-pubescent child resemblence. Quite the contrary one has nothing to do with the other thats just applying guilt or shame to something they have nothing to do with.

    You are not sick in the head not even a little.

    I call your "bullshit" and raise you "thats my opinion" and not subject to alteration by your disagreement.

    Most people are oblivious to 99% of what goes on around them. They act in there own self interest ignorant of what they do or why they do it. With some "observation", "conversation" and the "patience" to reflect upon what is gleaned a lot can be gleaned about someone male or female.
    Its what I do. It makes me a popular boss, attentive Dom and has allowed me to succeed where I should have failed. Whether its giving people what they need to be happy employee's or how to get inside a subbies head being awake and observent is a skill worth learning.

    While I would love to be able with one post undo a lifetime of bad programing I am not arrogant or wise enough to acommplish that admirable goal.

    What I do hope is if not you that one person might read something and one word stays with them plants a seed of possibility that might germinate into the beautiful flower that is women.

    Cruel

    This is a Great Blog. I hope you take the time to read a little. Go to the bottom of the page and choose "catagories/ beautiful cunts"

    http://cuntlove.wordpress.com/

  9. Naw, he shaves, but he knows that I shave some parts and wax others, so figured that I might find waxing a handy alternative if I find shaving disturbing.

    Good to know that this did not leave a bloody mess. Unfortunately, I suffer ingrown hairs far worse from waxing than from shaving, and those ingrown hairs are vicious! So, still not a viable option, even if others have survived it. ;-)

  10. I'm almost afraid to ask… what does Google know? (besides everything?)

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