I hate myself. I really do. Not for my body (at least, not at the moment), but for my fucked up head.
Yes. I buy into beauty culture, albeit in an educated, self-critical (self-loathing?), and sadly-ir/rational-about-self-worth sort of way. So what? Judge me… go ahead. It’s nothing I haven’t already done. (And for the record, I’ve done it with more feminist theory and cultural criticism under my belt [ha!] than most people are even aware of.)
Later today, I have an appointment for my first-ever Brazilian wax. They’re taking it all off… everything… and now that I’ve made the appointment, I’m fucking scared.
Mind you, I’m going in with the full realization that the want for pre-pubescent looking pussy is fucking sick in the head. I’m going in with the understanding that my doing this is caving to some unreal commercial beauty “standard” that doesn’t exist in real life (or at least, not in unaltered, unshaven, unphotoshopped life).
I’m also going in with some understanding of the pain. I use wax and/or an epilator on my legs, underarms, and bikini area. The epilator is a small machine, about the size of an electric razor, that instead of shaving off the hairs, rips them out one-by-one (quickly) with a set of twenty rotating tweezer-type things. I’m okay with that sort of pain… I’m okay with pain I anticipate and pain I cause.
But this is different.
While I’m somewhat concerned about the pain, I’m sure I can deal with it. The pain of ripping hairs out by the roots isn’t my main concern.
I’m more concerned about is the size and quality(?) of my vulva and outer labia. From self-waxing and self-epilation (is that a word?) I know that loose skin isn’t ideal. If the skin isn’t pulled tight enough, the outer layer of epidermis can just peel right off, leaving a stinging, bloody mess. I am not pre-pubescent and my vulva is… it’s normal, I guess. There’s fat there, and skin, and it isn’t “neat.”
Fuck fuck fuck.
Why am I doing this?
Oh yes… I’m doing this to adhere to unnatural standards of beauty, particularly standards that effect parts of me that 99.9999% of the people I come into contact with will never see. I’m doing this because pornography has taught me (incorrectly) that women should be hairless and “clean.” I’m doing this because I’m ashamed of the appearance of my genitals, because I’m unhappy with what I look like and feel like naturally, and because my shame and unhappiness has (to some extent) kept me from enjoying oral sex.
Great. I’ll just keep reminding myself that not only is this stupid, but it’s fucking dumb too (fucking dumb is different than stupid, for the record). I should know better than this. I do know better than this…
I’m doing it anyway.