(continued from “A Retrospective: Part 6“)
“You’re mine.” I wrote it, and for the first time, I meant it.
And I do mean it. J is mine–my boy, my sub, my lover, and my friend, and I am his–his Domme, his dominant, his lover, and his friend. Ironically, now that I’m more familiar with the vocabulary, the labels don’t hold as much cache as they used to.
In general, I don’t think labels are important in determining any sort of value, but they are useful for negotiating one’s own identity and for communicating that identity to others. I’m still figuring out my identity, in general, and in my relationships. Since a few months into the thing with J, I’ve had a sneaking suspicion that I was bottoming from the top, service topping, or otherwise, not dominant, and that bothered me.
Does it bother me now? Honestly, I don’t give a fuck. :)
Other than the possibility of having bought a domain name that’s inaccurate, my label doesn’t make much difference to me. I don’t have any real investment in what I am, dominant, top, service top, or otherwise. I think I’m a Domme, but I also think it doesn’t matter whether I am not not.
Then, as now, I just want to figure out what makes me happy so I can get more of it. For now, J makes me happy. This dynamic (D/s, or whatever you want to call it) makes me happy.
In hindsight, I think a big part of my problem was that I didn’t share a lot of myself with J—things I should have shared. I gave him exaggerated versions of pieces of me, but I never let him in on a lot. I’m doing better with it now, and I’m sharing more, a little at a time. I’ve been far less eager to please him and I’ve tried to function with the level and kind of investment I really have. My level of investment is different than in my past relationships—it’s not more or less, but it’s different.
Lately, I haven’t worried about being the Domme he wants, I don’t give in to him like I used to, and I don’t wonder if I’m “doing it right” anymore. Now, I’m just trying to be a good friend, good lover, and a good dominant (which, in my mind, means making sure both of us get what we need). I don’t know whether J realizes that something has changed, but he’s different too–he’s more present, more attuned to me, more malleable, and more submissive. In some strange way, it feels as if my backing off made him step up. I struggle with this sometimes, as it conflicts with cultural narratives of (vanilla) love and partnership that I’ve always regarded as some sort of standard. Those narratives are hard to shake, but I can’t deny that this thing seems to be working.
I think I love him, but it’s different than love I’ve felt before–not more or less, but different. It’s not the love for the perceived embodiment of an ideal, not the love for some construction, and not the love of of being in love. It’s the love for a submissive, and more accurately, the love for my submissive, for my J. Sometimes that love is possessive and violent and demanding and sometimes it’s sweet and soft and giving. I guess I’m learning to let go of the narratives and embrace the idea that love can be all of those things.
J is still J, but he’s more submissive towards me now–he’s been sweet and thoughtful, he’s taking notice of my likes and dislikes, and he’s been sensitive to my life and my moods. I still think he’s far more interested in the idea of submission than he is interested in me, but the intersection of his need to submit and his interest and investment in me brings us to the same result, I think. He’s submissive towards me, and ultimately, that’s what I want.
A few weeks ago, I teased J that while I appreciated his efforts, the Build-A-Domme workshop was over. I was teasing, but as with most of my teasing, there was some truth there too. In a lot of ways, I think he molded the sort of Domme that he wanted (or at least, the one he thought he wanted), and now it’s his responsibility to deal with some of the consequences, the positives and the negatives.
For my part, I have some work to do in going back and correcting some of my mistakes, coming clean about lies I’ve told, and generally, being honest about what I’m feeling and what I want. I also have to revise some rules for him, for us, as I think I’ve been remiss in not giving him more guidelines to govern his behavior and to ensure he continues to please me.
So, as promised, at the end of this now far-too-long-story, I offer you no insight, no wisdom, and no conclusion, because there isn’t one. For that, I’m very glad.
Thanks for sticking with me if you’ve made it through. :)
I’m going to take a couple of days off and enjoy a long weekend away with my pretty boy… He doesn’t know it yet, but I’m kidnapping him after work and taking him to a sweet little bed and breakfast near the beach. I don’t think he’ll protest. :) Come to think of it, I might like if he protests a little…
Scratch that. :) He protested–kinda. Despite my having packed a bag full of fuck toys, good wine, and Scrabble, J had other plans for the weekend (plans I wouldn’t want him to break).
I’ll have to check with him next time I plan a weekend kidnapping. :)