(continued from “A Retrospective: Part 1“)
I didn’t give J’s “revelation” that he was into BDSM much thought at the time. While I admit I was ignorant of the depth and sophistication all things BDSM, I’ve never thought of people’s kinks as much more than preferences (in some cases, requirements for emotional and physical satisfaction). Some people like men, some like women. Some people enjoy breasts, some people are into belly buttons. Some people like bondage, others like group sex. Sexualities, kinks, fetishes, preferences… whatever. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, go forth, fuck, and be happy.
In the past, I had enjoyed dominating men in the bedroom and I enjoyed exploring my sadistic side from time to time. The idea that J might be into that was exciting, but I soon realized that he never identified himself as dominant, submissive, or switch, and that could be a problem. I assumed he was submissive, but that’s not the sort of thing I feel comfortable assuming. Sometimes he seemed submissive towards me, but he was dominant in most other aspects of his life, and I don’t think I could be with someone who is dominant. I’ve never considered myself submissive–not in general and not in bed.
A partner tried to tie me up once, and that experience left him with a black eye and a broken finger and left me in tears, confused, and apologizing for my actions. (Yes, we discussed it ahead of time and yes, I gave consent. No, I didn’t realize I’d have such a visceral or violent reaction to being tied up. No, he wasn’t great with knots or else I wouldn’t have been able to give him a black eye.)
In the days and conversations that followed, I was relieved to learn that J identified as submissive, and I learned more about his experiences and preferences. In the process, of course, I began to understand how ignorant and inexperienced I was. Worse than that, I became aware that I had suggested I was into something I knew very little about.
While J realized I wasn’t as experienced as he was, I wasn’t forthcoming about explaining we were on completely different pages. I didn’t suggest that my earlier statement about dominating men may have been unintentionally misleading. I didn’t want to tell him because I was embarrassed about having misrepresented myself (did he think I was a Domme?) and more than that, I didn’t want to turn him off to playing with me. Despite realizing I had no fucking idea what I was doing, I still wanted to play. I wanted to try being a Domme.
I know my failure to correct the misunderstanding was misleading and selfish. What’s done is done and I’m okay with it. But I still wonder whether I allowed that misrepresentation to stand because I wanted to dominate J or because I wanted to fit J’s idea of dominance. I’m sure it’s a little of both, and either way it’s selfish, but I still can’t figure out if I was I trying to please myself or trying to please him.
Was I trying to get what I wanted or was I trying to be what he wanted?
continue to Retrospective, Part 3: Playing Domme