Jan 122012

(continued from “A Retrospective“)

When J and I had just started dating, in the context of a normal conversation where two people getting to know each other share background and tell stories, J mentioned something about past ties to the “BDSM community.” It was a casual, flirty sort of conversation, and his comment didn’t seem all that strange in context. He seemed to be half-joking, or at least, he seemed to be poking fun at reality. I assumed his revelation and his lighthearted attitude were more about flirtation than anything else. And so I flirted right back—I smiled and told him that I was more than capable of dominating a man.

That was the truth. I had dominated men in bed… quite well, actually.

When I responded, J’s flirtatiousness fell away. He looked a little surprised and said he was relieved that I took the information so well.

His seriousness surprised me—I didn’t think it was such a big deal. My last boyfriend was really turned on by tits, and I have tits, so it worked out well. The guy I dated before that was an ass man, and I have an ass, so that worked out pretty well. J was a little kinky, and so was I, so we might work out well too.

I had messed around with BDSM before, and while I didn’t know that there was a “community,” it didn’t shock me to hear of its existence. But of course, I was completely unaware of the scope of all things BDSM—I didn’t know there were different types of BDSM, each with their own terminologies, theories, and practices. I didn’t know there were communities, play spaces, conventions, businesses, scholarship or political issues. I didn’t know any of it existed in such a visible, organized way.

J and I have never discussed that conversation, but I suspect that both he and I had completely different understandings of what was said and what it meant.

In my mind, J told me about a sexual preference… a turn-on. No big deal.

I suspect that in J’s mind, not only did I accept his lifestyle, but I also suggested I was interested in (and had some experience with) the same. Without any real reaction or curiosity from me, my guess is that J thought I was “into” BDSM the same way he was.

Because I didn’t know what I didn’t know, I thought J and I were on the same page. Because I didn’t ask questions and offered little reaction to his admission, J thought we were on the same page too.

Of course, J and I were not on the same page.

continue to Retrospective, Part 2: Oops

  8 Responses to “Retrospective, Part 1: Accidental Dominant”

  1. I want to be able to just hit "like" but, I can't.

    I definitely can picture J's mental gear change when you say you're capable of dominating a man.

    I've made a couple half-joking, tenuous personal revelations over the years, it would certainly excite me to get such a positive reaction.

    Likely enough that I might jump to conclusions about compatibility and general same-paged-ness.

  2. I've accidentally walked into a lot of stuff over the years, but generally, I know it when it happens. :) It's the times I have no idea what I'm into that I get in trouble.

  3. I fell into D/s in a similar way. A guy offered to essentially be my beck and call guy. I decided to run with it because I was bored and needed a laugh… little did I know I would find and meet my boy 4 days later ;)

    I love your blog, I can see so much of myself and my own journey in it.

    • Ahora que empezará el fresquito, vamos digo yo, que ya estoy deseando que se acabe el calor agobiante del verano, empezaré con mis trabajillos manuales, me lo paso genial con todas mis amigas haciendo cositas con diferentes telas, este otoño vamos a poner una exposición en un colegio, mismo hacemos negocio con ello, y todo

    • Nie wiem, w którym okresie; Zasadniczo dorastaÅ‚em w latach 80. A konkretniej od koÅ„ca 70. do jakichÅ› 90. bo potem byÅ‚em już starym koniem, co mi zostaÅ‚o.No dobra, to namówiliÅ›cie, jak bÄ™dÄ™ znów czegoÅ› polskiego szukaÅ‚, to spróbujÄ™.

    • DIS DONC je suis suspicionneuse tu SAIS que le devoilage de nichonnade pour faire diversion de la flemme de maquillage, c’est secret de FBI chinois hein, Y FAUT RIEN DIRE??

  4. I totally relate to this… :/

    • @Jools: I’m sorry you can relate to this! I know from experience that it’s not a very pleasant place to be in! Also, I hope your figuring it all out was far smoother than mine!

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