Had a lovely night with the boy.
I only noticed that it was midnight because of the bangs and booms from the neighbors shooting fireworks into the air. I smiled, thinking it was a lovely way to ring in the new year, at home with J bound on his hands and knees and particularly pliant. I don’t know whether J realized it was midnight, as his face was pressed into the mattress and I couldn’t see his expression. I’m sure he didn’t mind. :)
We did have an interesting conversation later on. I’m not sure how we stumbled on the topic, but we were half-joking around about how things with us would end. My best guess is that someday, I’ll finally find J’s inability to properly load a dishwasher too much to handle and I’ll leave to find a man who knows that glasses go on top and dishes go on the bottom.
It wasn’t a serious conversation — not a relationship discussion — but oddly, it did make me feel better about where we stand.
So far, J and I are of similar minds about the durability of relationships. I’m not looking for forever and neither is he. People evolve and grow — sometimes those evolutions bring them closer together and sometimes it drives them apart. It happens. I think not being deluded about forever-unchanging-love means I’m more able to live in the present and make choices based on what makes me happy rather than on some cultural ideal that isn’t important to me. Don’t get me wrong, I think forever-love can happen, and it might, but that’s not my goal. My goal is to be happy.
In some strange way, joking around about how things might end made me feel better about the relationship and more sure about what it is (don’t ask me to articulate it, though). Acknowledging an eventual ending means that there’s something to end, and that means this thing with J and I is something.
I’m not entirely sure what to do with that, if anything. Inasmuch as I’m not looking for forever-love, I do enjoy being in relationships, and I know relationships require work, honest communication, and boundaries. Seeing as how this is my first D/s relationship, I know the work, communication, and boundaries will be a little different than in my previous vanilla contexts. To this point, I’ve been honest in not really knowing what I’m doing and not knowing what I want. J seems fine with this, and he’s been gracious when I’ve faltered, been patient when I’ve been unable or unwilling to articulate what I want, and he’s been generous with reassurances (when I’ve asked for them).
I guess I’m coming to realize that my sometimes-problems with J aren’t so much his problems as mine. Here and there, I’ve been unhappy with his behavior, but I haven’t held him accountable because I never articulated what I wanted in the first place. I didn’t articulate what I wanted because I wasn’t sure. I’m still largely unsure, but it might be time to trust him with a little more of what I’m discovering about what I want and what makes me happy.
After all, it appears this thing with J is a something. I’m enjoying it and I’d like to continue enjoying it, and that means doing whatever work we need to do to make sure it stays a something.
I should probably tell J that I’ve decided we’re a something, right? :)