Nov 102011

By anonymous request, here are “the rules” I sent to J a couple of months ago. We’ve discussed a few more since then, but in the interest of an accurate historical record, I’ve copied my original words below. They are unedited, with all of their original D/s-dynamic ignorance, grammatical errors, overuse of parenthetical elements, and obvious errors in logic.


A few of these have never been an issue, and a few you already know. I’m including them anyway so you understand that I recognize and appreciate your attention, thoughtfulness, and your consideration of what’s important to me.

I expect you might have questions, want clarification, or examples. Please let me know. After all, these are only “the rules” if we both understand them and agree to them. Otherwise, it’s just us playing games and that isn’t what I want.

  Don’t call me “baby,” “honey,” “sweetie,” or any other diminutive pet name.

  You may not engage in any sexual or intimate activity with anyone else. No physical contact, no flirting, no sexual/intimate emails, messages, or chat. You may speak to, chat with, and email female friends, but only as friends. You may continue your friendship with your Domme friend as long as 1) she knows you have a Dominant, 2) she understands that you aren’t available, and 3) she doesn’t try to Domme you.

  Do what you say you will do, even if it seems minor. If you offer or agree to do something, I expect you to follow through.

  Don’t attempt to school me on my own orgasms. I understand that you have a lot of experience with female bodies, but you don’t have a lot of experience with mine. Although I admit I’m still learning, I do know more about my body, my head, and my responses than you do. Unfortunately, I’ve unintentionally bruised a few egos in the past, and so I’ve been careful in talking to you about this sort of thing. I know you respond better to commands than to hints or discussions, but you’re going to have to meet me halfway on this. I’ll try to be more honest and more direct about what I need, but you have to really listen to me–not only when we’re in bed, but when we’re just talking, too.

  I expect you to bring me to orgasm. You do it. I don’t want a vibrator. I want you. I’m all in favor of toys, but I’ve never fantasized about coming all over a vibrator. Bringing me to orgasm when I want is part of your position–the position you offered and I accepted. While I may choose to bring up the topic at a later date, I don’t want to hear another word about a vibrator from you.

  When we play (when you’re not bound), keep your hands off your cock and on me (unless I tell you otherwise). When we’re together, your cock belongs to me. I’ll take care of it… if, when, and how I want. Don’t touch yourself–touch me. Don’t ask permission to touch me–I find it distracting and besides that, I like being touched. I promise that if you touch me in a way I don’t like or don’t want, I’ll let you know or I’ll move you.

  If we’re going to see each other, ask permission before you drink any alcohol.

  I’d like to hear from you at least every other day. I need the attention and the reassurance that I’m somewhere in your head (I really wish I didn’t and maybe at some point, I won’t). In general, I prefer email. (I’m not one for chit-chat on the phone–I enjoy taking the time to think, craft, and arrange my words, and I’d like you to do the same.) For now, your general “hello” emails are adequate and I don’t require more than a line or two. With that said, more is better (if you are able and assuming you really want to write)–I love reading the occasional longer message. I like to know that although the “new girl” feel is wearing off, sometimes, you still obsess about me too. Frequent long messages aren’t required, but your attention is very much wanted and appreciated.

  If something is wrong, if you have a question or a concern, if you need something I’m not giving you, or if you’re angry or upset with me for whatever reason, you need to let me know immediately, regardless of what you think my reaction will be. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating–you’re very important to me and I enjoy what we have. You need to help me to be sure we don’t break it or let it fizzle out.

  5 Responses to “the rules”

  1. I like the rules! My favorite is your instruction for regular e-mail communication.

  2. Lovely. I like the expected 'connectivity' – touch, email, commitment, communication and authenticity (no 'baby', no easy vibe fall back…) All of which build trust and a longterm foundation.

    Thank you for sharing these!

  3. @WBW: I think I'm a word-slut.

    @DC: Aww, thank you. :) I realize they're not very involved, but they were incredibly difficult to write.

  4. It really goes without saying… J is a VERY lucky fella and hopefully he makes you feel just as lucky.

  5. @Troy: "J is a VERY lucky fella"

    Thank you!

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