We last left our heroine walking out the door…
I walked out the door, got in my car, and drove home alternately sad and angry (with a little “feeling stupid” in there too, having paid for a hotel room I didn’t use and being generally unsure of myself all evening). I waited approximately 3.5 days and emailed J a casual “hello… just saying hi” type of message. I didn’t mention what happened at the hotel. J responded casually and didn’t mention it either.
I’ve seen him once since then–we went out for drinks a few days ago (a welcomed break from my house guest). It’s not that I’ve been avoiding him, but with things busy at work and with the unexpected visit from my mother, J hasn’t been at the top of my priority list.
Not that I have a clue about what to do with any of what follows, but these are the issues and questions that bounced around in my head for a little while after the hotel incident.
1. Is J submissive in the way that I need?
J self-identifies as a submissive. I think he wants to be submissive, and he certainly has submissive leanings, but I’m not sure if that’s enough for me. If I want more, do I try to work with J, or should I just look elsewhere?
2. Does J need a more “strict” dominant?
J seems to appreciate me more when I’m angry or annoyed than he does when I’m kind. He seems to back off when I’m sweet. When I’m disinterested, annoyed, or angry with him, he’s attentive, kind, and totally submissive (not just in bed, in general too). I love him that way, but it bothers me that he only seems to respond when I’m distant or bitchy. The problem is that I’m not generally distant or bitchy.
In figuring this all out, I’ve actually been quite pleased to find that I feel more dominant and more playful (in bed and in general) when I’m happy and feeling close to someone. But maybe he wants/needs a strict or bitchy Domme. I’m not that.
3. Should I punish him, and how?
For the record, the punishment issue is a general question, not just because of the incident with the woman. J isn’t a brat, but he is a masochist–he loves pain and finds pleasure in forcible service. I have a sadistic side and I enjoy demanding service, but I don’t know that I’d want to do those things out of anger (at least, not all the time). Besides, a punishment isn’t a punishment if he enjoys it.
I’ve considered and ruled out a lot of punishments that aren’t feasible, wouldn’t be effective, and/or ones that I’d hate. The only way I can think to punish him is to ignore him.
But because we’re in a “driving distance” relationship where we both have our own lives and our own careers, ignoring him wouldn’t just punish him, it would punish me too. I like spending time with him (the fucking, the talking, the kicking-his-ass at Scrabble, etc). Ignoring him means I don’t get any of him–I wouldn’t have to deal with his unsubbish behaviors, but I also wouldn’t get to enjoy his beautiful moments of submissiveness, nor the other parts of him that I enjoy when the dynamic isn’t as visible.
So, that’s what’s been in my head, but I don’t think I’m going to do anything about it. The relationship is casual, after all, and for the most part, I’m enjoying what it is.
With that said, I’m not closed to meeting new people. I’m just feeling lazy about the whole meeting/dating thing and I’m secretly hoping my dream boy shows up on my front door with a basket of avocados and a bottle of wine… and I hope he’s naked. It’s unlikely, but I can dream, right?
[Panty Status: ON] But honestly, I don’t think that’s going to last.