Nov 252011

After much procrastination, incoherence, and avoidance, here’s the post-mortem discussion of hotel part 1 and part 2… Or is this an epilogue? I have no idea.

We last left our heroine walking out the door…

I walked out the door, got in my car, and drove home alternately sad and angry (with a little “feeling stupid” in there too, having paid for a hotel room I didn’t use and being generally unsure of myself all evening). I waited approximately 3.5 days and emailed J a casual “hello… just saying hi” type of message. I didn’t mention what happened at the hotel. J responded casually and didn’t mention it either.

I’ve seen him once since then–we went out for drinks a few days ago (a welcomed break from my house guest). It’s not that I’ve been avoiding him, but with things busy at work and with the unexpected visit from my mother, J hasn’t been at the top of my priority list.

Not that I have a clue about what to do with any of what follows, but these are the issues and questions that bounced around in my head for a little while after the hotel incident.

1. Is J submissive in the way that I need?

J self-identifies as a submissive. I think he wants to be submissive, and he certainly has submissive leanings, but I’m not sure if that’s enough for me. If I want more, do I try to work with J, or should I just look elsewhere?

2. Does J need a more “strict” dominant?

J seems to appreciate me more when I’m angry or annoyed than he does when I’m kind. He seems to back off when I’m sweet. When I’m disinterested, annoyed, or angry with him, he’s attentive, kind, and totally submissive (not just in bed, in general too). I love him that way, but it bothers me that he only seems to respond when I’m distant or bitchy. The problem is that I’m not generally distant or bitchy.

In figuring this all out, I’ve actually been quite pleased to find that I feel more dominant and more playful (in bed and in general) when I’m happy and feeling close to someone. But maybe he wants/needs a strict or bitchy Domme. I’m not that.

3. Should I punish him, and how?

For the record, the punishment issue is a general question, not just because of the incident with the woman. J isn’t a brat, but he is a masochist–he loves pain and finds pleasure in forcible service. I have a sadistic side and I enjoy demanding service, but I don’t know that I’d want to do those things out of anger (at least, not all the time). Besides, a punishment isn’t a punishment if he enjoys it.

I’ve considered and ruled out a lot of punishments that aren’t feasible, wouldn’t be effective, and/or ones that I’d hate. The only way I can think to punish him is to ignore him.

But because we’re in a “driving distance” relationship where we both have our own lives and our own careers, ignoring him wouldn’t just punish him, it would punish me too. I like spending time with him (the fucking, the talking, the kicking-his-ass at Scrabble, etc). Ignoring him means I don’t get any of him–I wouldn’t have to deal with his unsubbish behaviors, but I also wouldn’t get to enjoy his beautiful moments of submissiveness, nor the other parts of him that I enjoy when the dynamic isn’t as visible.

So, that’s what’s been in my head, but I don’t think I’m going to do anything about it. The relationship is casual, after all, and for the most part, I’m enjoying what it is.

With that said, I’m not closed to meeting new people. I’m just feeling lazy about the whole meeting/dating thing and I’m secretly hoping my dream boy shows up on my front door with a basket of avocados and a bottle of wine… and I hope he’s naked. It’s unlikely, but I can dream, right? 

[Panty Status: ON]  But honestly, I don’t think that’s going to last.


  8 Responses to “hotel, post-mortem”

  1. Heh, I know a few people who hope that their dream partners will show up at their doors similarly equipped (just switch the basket of avocados out for their favorite items), and it has not yet happened for any of them, either. So, statistically, it does seem unlikely. :-P

  2. @WBW: Don't squish my dreams! He will show up… I know he will!

  3. What would happen if you asked J to be in an "actual relationship"? Not saying that this is what you want, but… would he be open to it?

    I feel like you're actually a couple, but just haven't labelled it as such, which is potentially dangerous ground.


  4. @LL: I don't think he would care if we called it a "relationship." Wait, what would change if we called it that?

    And how is not labeling it dangerous? Help a girl out… I'm not so good at this.

    Advice is always appreciated. :)

  5. Okay, so by actual relationship I mean you'd be exclusive, are a couple in public, and have met friends and family. Based on the Q&A;, you're not exclusive (which is fine, lots of people have open relationships– except that you were jealous about the woman flirting with him), nor are you a couple in public (avoiding him at the work function). I have no idea if you've met friends and family, maybe I missed it but I don't think you mentioned it. So to me, it seems like you're friends with (amazing) benefits.

    By dangerous ground, I meant that if you haven't discussed the boundaries of what you are to each other, then there can be misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Again, this only matters if you genuinely care for him and want him to be yours(you seem to)… I have a very undefined relationship right now, based solely on sex. At any point, we could stop and I'd be fine with it (emotionally only, I'd be upset not to be having wonderful orgasms anymore). Or, at least I tell myself that I don't care, I could end up crying into my soup next month.

    I really like reading this, and feel sort of emotionally invested in your relationship with J, in a totally not-creepy-just-caring sort of way, haha.


  6. @LL: Friends with benefits sounds about right, but I was certainly jealous and I'm pretty firm on him not seeing other people. It's a nasty double standard, as I'm allowed to see others as long as I let him know.

    And you're right about not having discussed boundaries. In past relationships, as soon as there are boundaries, the guy breaks one (even a little one), I react badly, and the whole thing fall apart from there. With some hindsight, I have to admit that most of my failed relationships are more about my reactions than my partners' actions. I guess maybe if there are no boundaries, I won't have a right to react when something goes badly, and I can hold on to it a little longer. (Wow, that's not the most emotionally mature thing I've ever said.)

    Curious… you said you (think) you would be fine if your sex-based relationship ended. Are you two seeing other people, and do you get jealous? Oh, and are you thinking it will ever be more/different than sex-only?

    For the record, you're anything but creepy–quite sweet, actually. :)

  7. DD,

    I'm nearly 30 days late and more than a dollar short in this particular conversation, but I too, feel compelled to try and add a bit to what has already been said.

    You mentioned that you hate punishing because it is punishment for you as well. Sadly, I have yet to find a way to escape that fate, and I honestly do not know how others do it, except to suck it up and get through it.

    Ignoring someone is just about the absolute worst punishment that gets doled out, aside from outright release from the relationship. And the ignoring for an undetermined time-frame thing, is beyond cruel.

    I do hope that you are able to come up with some suitable alternatives that work for your situation.

    Boundaries. They are there to be broken. It's very common for all of us to naturally test boundaries that others place upon us. Submissives are no different in this. The issue is when boundaries are repeatedly being broken.

    It doesn't sound like that has been the case from all that I have read of your blog thus far. I don't think you'll be very successful in a D/s relationship with no boundaries as you were considering. As the dominant, you need to place boundaries, just as much as the submissive needs you to place boundaries. Right? That has been my experience.

    And, because it can be a little fun now and then to throw a random monkey wrench into things, wait until you are in a D/s relationship and LOVE becomes a predominant element – that is oodles of fun and complications!

  8. @Troy: "Boundaries. They are there to be broken."

    I disagree, at least, for me. If I set a serious boundary and he agrees, I expect him to work within it–not test it. Boundaries about physical contact with others, for example, is a serious one for me. I don't want my submissive to test that boundary by kissing someone else and seeing how I respond. I don't want that.

    As for boundaries in general, while we have some rules, I don't think I've thought through all of the things that should be considered. While I realize my lack of boundaries may lead to some frustration (and ultimately, the end of whateverthisis), I'm not ready to figure it out yet… maybe soon? I have thought recently of revising them.

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