Nov 072011
 

For your amusement (and for your information), I present the sixth installment in Dumb Domme’s BDSM Lexicon, “pervertibles.”

View all past entries here.


pervertibles, n., /pərˈvɜːtɪb(ə)lz/ (IPA)  [per-vur-tuh-buhlz] (spelled) 

pervertibles, n.: common household objects and office supplies that can be used in sexual or BDSM play, including kitchen utensils, office supplies, and home improvement tools and materials.

“After realizing I was kinky, I saw pervertibles all around me. Honestly, Office Depot makes me wet.”

“I am the Lady MacGyver of pervertibles. Give me a ream of paper, six rubber bands, four binder clips and a hot glue gun and I’ll make you a spanking bench that I guarantee will last through the evening.”

“My favorite pervertibles are a corkscrew, a calculator, and a chamois. Pour me a glass of wine, balance my checkbook, and then wash my car. Then, if you’ve done a good job, maybe I’ll fuck you.”

household pervertible objects for BDSM play


Pervertible Categories:

Kitchen: Plenty of common kitchen utensils make good pervertibles–wooden spoons, metal spatulas, small frying pans, pizza cutters, saran wrap, scouring pads, scrub brushes, etc. Also, consider the range of perishables that you might have on hand, including lemon and limes for surface abrasions, and hot sauce (for oral ingestion–I do not recommend citrus juices or hot sauce for application to mucous membranes–don’t ask me how I know).

Office Supplies: Binder clips, staplers, rulers, yardsticks, rubber bands, tacks, paper clips, writing implements

Home Improvement Items: rope, chains, sandpaper, cable ties (remember to bring heavy duty scissors if you’re using plastic ties, or buy the reusable velco kind), duct tape, carabiners

Pervertibles Questions & Answers:

Q: How can I use a three-hole punch in the bedroom?
A: You can’t, you sick fuck.

Q: How can I use my meat thermometer in the bedroom?
A: You can’t, you sick fuck. Unless you’re making me steak and eggs for breakfast in bed.

Dumb Domme Personal Experience:

My first real experience in understanding the delightful plethora of pervertibles available for purchase (and creation) happened during a routine trip to Target. I had a somewhat typical short shopping list in preparation for a date with J–red wine vinegar, limes, lubricant, and super glue (for the record, the red wine vinegar was for a recipe, limes were for drinks, lubricant was for, you know, lubrication, and the super glue had absolutely nothing to do with J).

I had the toughest time finding super glue–I wandered the home improvement department, crafts, and office supplies. In the office supply aisle, I glanced around and saw some binder clips. Although they weren’t on my list, I did need them for some freelance work I’m doing, and I threw them in my cart. Seeing the clips next to the little bottle of lube, it hit me. I could totally put those on his cock! Oh. And rubber bands… those could go any number of places. I walked back through the crafts aisle with a little more determination. Head pins, quilt binding, a seam ripper (I sew like a machine, tight, even, and steady… so I might as well get a seam ripper, just in case),

Back to home improvement… cable ties, duct tape, rope! (After a past relationship with a boy scout, I know how to tie a number of knots… even a monkey’s fist, although I haven’t figured out how to use that one yet… maybe as a ball gag?) I threw a few hanks of rope on top of the cable ties, duct tape, pins, rubber bands, and binder clips and looked at my shopping cart and my eyes went wide… I was grinning like an idiot at my own brilliance (In hindsight, and with the benefit of Google, I realize I’m not so original, creative, or brilliant–I hate those realizations.).

My moment of pride was cut short by a gentleman who stood next to me, browsing the selection of ropes. After glancing in my cart, he smiled and asked, “Are those for you? Or for a friend?” I was mildly embarrassed and I blurted out something about re-doing my master bathroom. He grinned, I lowered my head and made a beeline for the checkout. I was absolutely ready for my date, except for the fact that I completely forgotten about the red wine vinegar and limes.

In hind-hind-sight, limes would have been a good idea. Limes have natural antibacterial properties and sting like a motherfucker on surface abrasions and mild puncture wounds.

If you’ll excuse me, I need to make a shopping list….


works consulted: Wikipedia: “Pervertibles”  The Frugal Domme
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  7 Responses to “BDSM Lexicon Entry #6: “Pervertibles””

  1. Target is a wonderful resource. That is where my hubby found the first of our spreader bars… sorry… clothes hanger bar.

  2. Ah, you never forget your first (spreader bar, that is). ;)

  3. Ahh what delicious creativity! A recent favorite for me was a long vinyl jump rope which turned into a collar and riding reins. And like WeekBiWeek, I found a curtain rod at Lowes that made a reasonable makeshift spreader bar.

  4. @DC: Curtain rods are the best–especially the ones that you can twist to adjust the width. :)

  5. yes, nice.

  6. My favorite pervertibles are a corkscrew, a calculator, and a chamois. Pour me a glass of wine, balance my checkbook, and then wash my car. Then, if you've done a good job, maybe I'll fuck you." I LOVE this one!
    Q. How can I use a 3 hole punch in the bedroom?
    A. Take the rubber part off of it that keeps the little pieces of paper from falling ou and VOILA! For spanking.

  7. I am gong to find a way to use a threehole punch sexually, don’t believe me? Just watch

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