I’ve taken some strange comfort in the continued reassurance that I’m not really sadistic, not like other people are sadistic. Sure, maybe I enjoy it on some level, but I don’t need it, and it doesn’t really effect me.
But it seems my body betrays me, and I have no way to intellectualize myself out of this.
Last night, I toyed with him for hours. It wasn’t anything all that major, certainly nothing angry or violent or all that exciting, just small, and nagging, and constant. Clamps here, pins there, biting, twisting, pushing. I enjoy playing with him and watching his reactions. Besides that, I’m sure some part of me wants to see how much he’ll put up with before he gets bored or annoyed (that’s an odd thing that’s been stuck in my head — another discussion for another time).
I’m starting to feel more comfortable with toying and pushing and playing. And I’m getting to know his body better — I know where his skin gets tender the quickest, the places where the blood is closest to the surface, the spots that are most likely to bloom into angry purple bruises.
That’s all well and good, as he’s a masochistic fuck, and I’ve been able to file it away in my brain as all in good fun. I’m not really a sadist.
But last night, I caught myself smiling, and I hesitated. Actually, I damn near panicked. It’s not as if I don’t smile, but I didn’t like the way this felt. It was different.
I untied him and took off all the clamps and bindings. I climbed up on top of his chest and looked down into his sweet face — I have no idea what I had intended to do there — admit I was enjoying myself? Who knows.
When I straddled his chest, I realized how incredibly turned on I was. I was hopelessly wet — dripping, soaking, smearing-his-skin, wet. It was vulgar and obscene and I was almost ashamed at my reactions.
I haven’t approached the mental gymnastics it’s going to take me to be okay with this, but apparently, my body was clear on my preferences. I needed to come so much it hurt. My pussy was swollen and aching with need for release.
At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to quiet my head and shove my pussy into his mouth.
And I did.