I participate in a couple of groups over on FetLife, answering questions with more questions, describing stupid personal experiences, making jokes, and offering opinions. On the absolute rarest of occasions, I give what I hope is good advice.
What follows is an expansion of my response to a FetLife member’s question about how to approach a partner with a fantasy, particularly when you aren’t sure your partner will be into trying it, or when you suspect your partner won’t like the idea.
The Questions & Context (paraphrased and altered):
How do you approach a partner with your fantasy? (especially when you think your partner won’t like it?) When partners agree to try a new activity or indulge a fantasy, often, both partners are dissatisfied with the results. How can that dissatisfaction be avoided?
Honest communication, trust your partner… blah blah blah. But you already know all of that stuff, and in my experience, it’s much easier said than done. And so…
My Advice & My Experience:
When I’ve wanted to bring up my fantasies, fetishes, or try new things, I’ve suggested to my partner that we have a “logistics session.” A logistics session is just that–it’s for planning, coordinating, working out details, and figuring out what works and what doesn’t.
Logistics Session Rules & Expectations:
- A logistics session is NOT play time. It’s practice.
- My partner and I are required to verbalize everything–a running commentary is mandatory. We talk about what’s going to happen, what is happening, what it feels like, what we like and don’t like, what feels good and what doesn’t.
- During logistics sessions, problems, odd noises, mistakes, general awkwardness, and laughter are expected.
I think this approach takes some of the pressure off for both partners. As the dominant, I don’t have to pretend I know what I’m doing, I can ask questions about how best to do whatever it is I’m doing, and I don’t have to worry about some feigned Domme-confidence that I don’t have because I’m trying something I’ve never done before. I can’t speak for my sub (but I will, a little), but he seems less nervous and more willing to allow me to try new things without any expectation that he has to keep quiet, react a certain way, or even be into it.
Just remember not to think of it as actual play or sex–it’s just practice. Because if it’s just practice, there are no commitments, no expectations, and no reason for disappointment.