Sep 122011

Dear “Seeker of Profile Advice,”

While I find it somewhat amusing that anyone on FetLife would email me for advice, I might as well give it a shot. As I understand it, you want a “brutal” critique of your profile. I can do brutal.

Let’s start with your profile photo. It’s an out-of-focus closeup, and honestly, I have no idea what I’m looking at. I think it might be your earlobe, but it could just as easily be the underside of your ballsack. I’m not an expert, but I think I should be able to tell whether I’m looking at an earlobe or a ballsack.

Your second photo… holyshitshieldmyeyes… that’s an extreme closeup of your dickhead. I don’t know what sort macro lens you’ve used here, but I’m fairly sure I can see the inside of your urethra. For the record, I don’t want to see the inside of your urethra.

In your third (and mercifully) final picture, you’ve taken a photo of yourself pinching your own arm. Mhmm-kay. So, um, you’re into light pinching? That’s hardcore.

Okay. I’m not going to lie, your photos are fucking awful. Let’s move on to what you’ve written.

From your description, you sound just as exciting as a mid-sized beige area rug. I see that you’re looking for… jesuschrist I’m not going to read all of that, but damn, you’re really fucking needy. You want, you want, you want, but it appears all you have to offer is a lukewarm bucket of low-self esteem, numerous typographical errors, and your great love of “boobies.”

So there’s your critique, but unfortunately, I don’t have much advice for you.

On second thought, ignore everything I said about the photos. Maybe you should post more photos of your earlobe/ballsack. I guess playing a game of “what the fuck is that?” might be moderately interesting.

Also, maybe don’t call them “boobies.”

Best to you,

P.S. You should probably go see a dermatologist. That mole on your cock does not look right.


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